Liberals went full-WTF? this week accusing President Trump of putting children in concentration camps and of inviting foreign interference in the 2020 election. That is to say, it was a pretty typical week on the left. Here’s some people who did some things that were actually unexpected:
Headline of the Week
Gym pulls out before masturbation case reaches court climax
A criminal case against a man banned from a gym for allegedly masturbating ended prematurely on Thursday when Virgin Active withdrew charges.
The 18-year-old suspect was due to appear in the Stellenbosch Magistrate’s Court after the gym laid charges of sexual assault.
But the man’s lawyer, William Fullard, told TimesLIVE charges had been dropped when Virgin Active agreed a settlement with his client before his court appearance.
The gym laid charges a month ago after saying it had banned the man for life. He was allegedly caught in the act by another gym member who recorded and posted the video on Twitter.
Even the article seems like a joke but this is apparently real.
Runner-Up Headline of the Week
Lucky Unicorn Nipples to be stocked by toy store in Vietnam
The entrepreneur behind a bizarre invention has finally found a toy store to stock his Lucky Unicorn Nipples.
Danny Ruxton, the man at the helm of Ruxton Corp, spent a year designing and making the strange good luck charm along with Dutch designer Ritchie Van Daal.
The 32-year-old showed off a pair of the colourful teats in their display case last year for the first time, but Brits may still have to wait some time to get their hands on the nipples.
Danny, who lives in Larkfield, said: “Lucky Unicorn Nipples are up and running which is great news, albeit only in Vietnam for the time being.
So far, 5,000 pairs of the nipples, which are activated when you “flick ’em, rub ’em, suck ’em”, have been made and will sell for 148,248 Dong – the equivalent of £4.99.
And you thought the unicorn nipples were from fantasy land. There’s a magical place where dongs are money.
Florida man of the Week
Deputies arrest strange dancing naked man at McDonald’s in Naples
Deputies responded to an incident of a male taking his clothes off dancing strangely in a McDonald’s.
Witnesses believed the man must have been on drugs.
The witness also stated that it looked as though the male was trying to have relations with a railing.
Rail rapist?
Florida Woman of the Week
Florida woman squeezed boyfriend’s genitals ‘until they bled’: cops
The report said the woman — identified as 21-year-old Katie Lee Pitchford — had become “enraged” during an argument. The alleged victim, who was not identified, reportedly told the officers that Pitchford had struck him “with her fists and scratched the left side of his face.”
An arrest affidavit…said the man’s face was bloodied and had visible bruising. The man reportedly told officers that Pitchford had grabbed him “by his b—s and squeezed them until they bled.”
He told officers that after that, Pitchford choked him until he couldn’t breathe, but he managed to wrestle her away and call police, the affidavit reportedly said.
Even knowing what she’s capable of, she’s kind of cute.
Smile of the Week
Surgeons remove TOOTH from teenager’s testicle – after thinking it was cancer
Doctors in Russia were carrying out surgery on the 13-year-old to remove a worrying lump.
But incredibly it turned out to be a molar missing from the back of his mouth.
Medics said the rare condition was a teratoma tumour originating before birth due to a stem cell failure, say medics.
It meant that the tooth had grown inside of one of his testicles instead of his mouth.
Click the link, there are pictures. Meanwhile I feel like there’s a Yakov Smirnoff joke in here somewhere: In Russia, testicle bites you.
Quotes of the Week
“If you think being a witch is just sitting around doing spells all the time, you think wrong.”
“Don’t make me stab the dog. I’m not dropping the knife.”
“You can’t just have your titties out everywhere”
In a perfect world you can.
Memory of the Week
Mum Rosana Cândido, 27, and Kacyla Pessoa, 28, of Brazil, stabbed the boy over a dozen times and removed all the skin from his face before butchering his body.
The pair were said to have even used a knife to try to gouge out the boy’s eyeballs to prevent possible recognition.
They bodged a bid to burn some of him on a barbecue so stuffed his remains in a suitcase dumped in a sewer, police said.
Other parts were found in two backpacks at their home in Brazil.
In a gory twist, they are also accused of tearing off Cândido’s son Rhuan’s penis a year ago during horrifying home-made surgery.
The two women are said to have told investigators they used “rudimentary tools” because Rhuan “wanted to become a girl.”
Local reports say: “After removing his penis, the women said they sewed an improvised version of the female organ onto the mutilated area.”
Cândido reportedly claimed the lad was a “burden” and a hindrance to her relationship with Pessoa.
She also “felt hatred and no love” for him because he reminded her of father, who allegedly abused her.
Seems like going after the father would have been a better course of action here.
Heist of the Week
Armed robber dies after shooting himself in groin in botched store raid
The crook – identified as Federico Luis Acosta – was filmed demanding money from a lone cashier at a pharmacy in Tucumán, Argentina, at around 9pm on Wednesday.
In the footage, Acosta can be seen wearing a white crash helmet and pulling out a gun when a customer walks into the store.
The white-shirted man and robber exchange words before the customer retreats with his hands in the air.
Acosta finally puts the gun back into his waistband – but then accidentally fires it.
A bullet hits his groin and he jumps in shock, before hobbling out of the store.
The customer then picks up the stolen money that the robber has dropped and hands it back to the cashier.
Acosta fled on a motorcycle but only made it two blocks before collapsing and was found lying in a pool of his own blood by police.
He was taken to a local hospital but died two hours later, after severing a major artery in his groin.
That’s just nuts.
Roomies of the Week
Jefferson Police Called In To Dispute After Someone Urinated In A Cookie Jar
There has been no indication if any charges will be filed after a Jefferson woman reported that someone had urinated in her cookie jar. The Jefferson Police Department received notice of the incident at approximately 1:55 p.m. on Thursday when the resident in the 600 block of North Olive Street told officers her roommate had committed the offense. The woman retaliated by pouring the cookie jar full of urine on the offender’s clothing.
These bitches are pissed off.
Horse’s Ass of the Week
Police: Man struck police horses, officers after being told not to pee in public
A man was arrested in the early morning hours Saturday after Austin police say he struck two police horses and two mounted officers after an officer told him to stop peeing in public.
Luis Rios Flores, 20, was arrested June 8 and charged with interference with police service animal, a Class A misdemeanor.
According to one of the mounted officers, while riding, he observed Flores peeing in public and told him to stop. He didn’t and instead began cursing at the officers, says the affidavit, and the officer moved closer to tell him again to stop. Flores finished, and when mounted officers arrived, he hit the first officer’s horse in the head with his hand, causing the officer to lose control of his horse momentarily.
The mounted officers told Flores he was under arrest and moved to detain him by holding his arms. Before they were able to successfully, Flores took a swing at another horse, missing, and punched an officer in the hand and another in the thigh, and hit a third horse on the side.
Antifa thinks even horses look like Nazis.
WTF? of the Week
Florida man steals pool floats for sex ‘instead of raping women,’ police say
A Florida man has been arrested and charged after the Palm Bay Police Department said he stole pool floats for sex “instead of raping woman.”
Authorities stopped Christopher Monnin, 35, on his bike around 1:25 a.m. Thursday as a suspicious person.
Authorities say Monnin was carrying a white garbage bag filled with deflated pool floats.
Monnin drove officers to the vacant house where he keeps his pool floats. Officials say there were apporximatly 75 floats inside, including ones that the victims described.
Monnin told authorities that he “sexually gratifies himself” with the pool floats instead of raping women.
Say what you want but this hero stopped 75 rapes from happening.
