The democrats tried to corner the market in WTF? this week with their anti-gun, Anti-Trump, anti-American hysteria but amazingly enough there were some other reality-defying moments that they cannot claim:
Headline of the Week
Stinking Fart Interrupts Kenyan Parliament Meeting
A member of Kenyan Parliament let off a fart so vile the Speaker was asked to suspend the debate.
According to local media, a spat broke out whoever let one off during the Kenyan regional assembly on Wednesday as the politicians attempted to get to the bottom of whose bottom was responsible for the stench.
During the incident at the Homa Bay County Assembly Julius Gaya is reported to have said: “Honourable Speaker, one of us has polluted the air and I know who it is.”
But it looks like it could be a case of whoever smelt it dealt it, because the guy he accused said: “I am not the one. I cannot do such a thing in front of my colleagues.”
It all got a bit much for Speaker Edwin Kakach, who suggest everyone step outside for a minute to calm down.
It’s reported he then requested air fresheners in to ‘make it pleasant.
Adding: “We cannot continue sitting in an environment that smells bad.”
Were they were debating whether or not to release Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate?
Boner of the Week
After injury, man learns his penis is turning to bone
After falling on his rear end on the street, a 63-year-old man went to the emergency room for knee pain. Doctors, worried that he might have some additional broken bones, conducted a pelvic x-ray.
Instead, they discovered that his penis was turning to bone.
“An extensive, plaque-like calcification along the expected distribution of the penis was evident,” study authors…write in a report of the case…
The man with the member was not identified in the report, although it mentions that he walked with a cane and had a history of alcoholism.
He told doctors that he had experienced some pain in his pelvic region, but no other symptoms (such as swelling or discharge).
Then he left — against medical advice — before doctors could examine his rare condition further, or formally diagnose him.
Apparently he found his diagnosis a little hard to believe.
The Other Boner of the Week
British man hospitalised with TWO WEEK erection as doctors face ‘race against time’ to save penis
Danny Polaris, who is in agonising pain, and has lost a lot of blood, fears it may need to be amputated.
The Swansea-born Jazz singer who lives in Berlin, took Viagra before he went to a party.
After he went home with a nurse, he agreed to have an erection enhancer injected into his penis.
“It’s one of the worst decisions of my life”, he said from his hospital bed, as he may never have a natural erection again.
The following morning, he noticed he still had an erection, but he decided against going to seek help, wearing his flatmates wine cooler wrapped around his penis…
But two days later, he was rushed to hospital in “screaming pain”, where he was diagnosed with a priapism.
It is a long-lasting painful erection that can cause permanent damage to your penis if not treated quickly.
Medics have already tried to force needles through the side of his penis five times to remove blood.
They have even conducted emergency surgery, taking a vein from his blood to draw the blood away.
But he still has an erection, and is now “often crying with extreme stress and anxiety”.
He added: “Some days I wake up and I just cry about how stupid I was, about what I’ve lost, about what’s going to happen to me.”
Priapis turns into pre-op puss.
Nut of the Week
Testicle ‘attack’ leaves Bradford Bulls hooker facing ban
Bradford hooker George Flanagan could be banned for more than eight games after being charged with a Grade F ‘attack to the testicles’ in Saturday’s Championship loss to Toronto Wolfpack.
There have been similar incidents in Super League, with current Halifax back-rower Kevin Larroyer banned for two games in 2017 for ‘other contrary behaviour’ for an incident on Catalans centre Vincent Duport while at Castleford.
England’s South Sydney Rabbitohs forward Sam Burgess was banned for two games in the National Rugby League in Australia for a ‘squirrel grip’ on Melbourne centre Will Chambers in 2013.
We have a “grade-F testicle attack” from a hooker, some “contrary behaviour” from a back-rower, and whatever the f*ck a “squirrel grip” is. Is this a sport or a weekend at Jeffrey Epstein’s Island? What? Too soon?
Swedish Meatball of the Week
Unlucky Man Accidentally Gets His Testicle Stuck in Ikea Chair
Jørstad of Alta Norway who accidentally got his testicle stuck in an Ikea chair a few years ago…after a knee injury, Jørstad decided to invest in a MARIUS Stool to sit on while he showers.
According to the Norwegian man, while sitting on the stool one of his testicles got stuck in a hole in the seat when the hot water caused them to expand. He stated, “Sitting there and noticing the accident, I bent down to see what happened, I realized the little nutter has got stuck.”
The poor man said he sat there for so long not knowing what to do, that by the time he desperately tried to save himself, the water turned freezing cold. A few minutes later his testicle was able to shrink again allowing him to safety uh….pull his little guy out.
Ikea has a lotta balls selling dangerous furniture like that.
Clam bake of the Week
Woman left with agonizing vagina burns after ‘steaming’ procedure
A Canadian woman who tried out a controversial steaming procedure once favored by GOOP guru Gwyneth Paltrow was left with severe second-degree burns on her vagina.
The 62-year-old woman’s traditional Chinese doctor advised her to mix an herbal medicine blend in a pan of boiling water and sit over it for 20 minutes. The woman told her doctors she did this twice, then sought a second opinion — at which point doctors found she had sustained the second-degree burns.
Sick burn, bro. I mean, sis.
Cavity of the Week
Police say Kentucky woman snorted drugs hidden in body cavity between her legs following arrest
Kathryn Ahlers, 28, allegedly pulled out a plastic bag containing drugs from a body cavity between her legs. Police said she inhaled a white substance through her nose early Saturday and, at one point, tried to hide the bag again…
The incident began when an intoxicated Ahlers allegedly tried to drive a car with her toddler inside, the station reported. Police found Ahlers and another intoxicated person, whom she identified as her boyfriend.
The woman told police they got lost traveling from Lexington to Cincinnati, WKYT reported. Ahlers moved unsteadily as she tried to get her toddler out of a car seat that was improperly fastened, police wrote. Her toddler’s diaper also needed to be changed…
Police arrested Ahlers and loaded her in a patrol car, where the officer said she “pulled a clear plastic baggie from her vagina cavity” and “dumped some white substance on the seat,”…Then, Ahlers “began to inhale it through her nose,”…
I bet that was some smelly meth.
Bullshit of the Week
Drunk mother accused of hitting children with bullwhip in Hawkins County
A drunk woman was arrested Wednesday after authorities said she hit two children with a bullwhip in Hawkins County.
A deputy responded to Laurel Branch Road in Rogersville around 5:25 p.m. and saw a woman, now identified as 38-year-old Crystal McMillian, still holding the whip. McMillian put down the whip and admitted to the deputy that she hit her kids with it. The deputy said McMillian was very intoxicated and told him the kids hit her first. McMillian was then detained and put into the patrol car.
The deputy went to the children and saw a 7-year-old boy had two cuts to his forehead. The deputy also noticed a knot on the back of the boy’s head. A 12-year-old girl was also hit several times on her bottom, according to police.
It’s time these kids learn not to start a fight they can’t finish.
Peopleshit of the Week
Poop less for a cleaner planet, says Brazil’s president
Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested Friday that people “poop every other day” as a way to save the environment, after he came under fire for a surge in deforestation of the Amazon since he came to power.
“It’s enough to eat a little less. You talk about environmental pollution. It’s enough to poop every other day. That will be better for the whole world,” said Bolsonaro, who earlier this month sacked the head of a government agency that had reported a major increase in Amazon deforestation.
Wouldn’t an “every other day shit” be twice as big?
Choker of the Week
Puke Rebuke: Salon Owner Dealing With Serial Vomiter
Marissa King owns Maven Salon Studios in Urbandale. After years of cutting hair she finally opened her own place in 2018, but things have taken a strange, and objectively gross turn.
“This is by far one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever experienced. Never did I think with opening a business I would have something quite like this to deal with,” said King.
King says since June she’s been dealing with what she calls the “Parking Lot Puker,” a man driving up to her business, vomiting in the parking lot, and leaving.
“It was starting to get excessive, multiple days in a row. This is typically, right in front of the business where he likes to pull in, park, you can see there’s a couple of spots here, one over there. Basically, he started to come around to where our clients enter and exit their vehicles and they were starting to take notice as well. A lot of them actually thought someone dropped a pizza in the parking lot,” said King.
King has floated the idea of staking out the parking lot to catch the person herself, or leaving a bucket with a note to please take his behavior elsewhere.
It’s not a coincidence that mass pukers pick bucket-free zones.
Chicken Choker of the Week
Rubber chicken takes a road trip. Police nab perps
A dispute over an apple led police to two men they charged with breaking into Madawaska Middle High School and liberating a rubber chicken from a classroom.
Late afternoon on July 17, one of the school custodians found a bite taken out of his apple and confronted his coworker about the deed. Paul Chasse, director of school facilities, safety, operations and maintenance, found the two bickering and said he would help them solve the issue by looking back through security camera footage.
While looking for the perpetrator of the apple caper, Chasse found footage of two men who appeared to have broken into the school. He notified police.
Police said that at the 4 a.m. mark on the recording, two men could be seen walking through the school, and at one point, were in possession of a rubber chicken apparently taken from a room in the school. It appeared to be the only item taken during the incident.
On Thursday morning, July 18, Madawaska Police Lt. Jamie Pelletier received a call from 21-year-old Benjamin Williams of Old Town, who said he was one of the men caught on camera and wanted to know what he needed to do to make it right.
Williams and Pelletier made arrangements to meet, and Williams drove from Old Town on July 22 to Madawaska where he was arrested and charged with criminal trespassing and criminal mischief.
I wonder what they do to rubber chicken thieves in prison.
Hog Hanger of the Week
Germans kept up at night by noisy igelsex (that’s hedgehog coupling)
German emergency services called out to attend to nighttime disturbances are increasingly finding themselves confronted with copulating hedgehogs.
People are calling 110 (the German emergency number) to complain about noises they typically put down to neighbours having unacceptably loud sex or to injured animals crying out for help.
Recently police in Augsburg were called to a primary school one night after suspicious noises were heard in the playground and a security light was activated. Only after the caretaker had been dragged out of bed and several police officers had inspected the site were the culprits found to be a pair of hedgehogs busily mating.
“The suspicious noises were soon pinned on a hedgehog couple in the midst of a mating ritual,” a superintendent wrote in his report, entitled “Prickly intruders”, adding that the hedgehogs were not disturbed.
Hedgehogs are capable of making a range of sounds from a quiet snuffling to hissing, snarling, purring, whistling, clicking and even loud screaming, which is what sometimes gets them mistaken for excited or distressed humans.
Seriously? I thought Germans loved freaky sex.
WTF? of The Week
McDonald’s left red-faced after customers notice very rude fail on new cup design
McDonald’s bosses have been left red-faced after realising that from certain angles their new soft drink cups appear to show two children in X-rated positions.
The special designs for Japan’s new McFizz drinks, which have been developed for youngsters, are supposed to show two children ‘falling in love’.
Mission accomplished. Now they just need to change the name to the “McJizz.”
