Democrats went fun WTF? this week by trying to impeach President Trump for something they know he didn’t do, but that Joe Biden has admitted on camera doing. Here’s a bunch of other crazy stuff that also doesn’t make a damn bit of sense:
Headline of the Week
Florida woman escapes 600-pound camel in Louisiana by biting its testicles
After her dog got into a camel’s pen at a Louisiana truck stop petting zoo, a Florida woman was forced to bite the testicles of the 600-pound animal after it decided to sit on her.
Authorities with the Iberville Parish Sheriff’s Office [said] that the testicle-biting incident began last Wednesday, Sept. 13, at the Tiger Truck Stop in Grosse Tete, when the woman’s husband was tossing treats to the couple’s small dog near Casper the camel’s pen.
The dog then ventured into the enclosure, forcing them to climb past warning signs and under a barbed wire fence to retrieve the family pet. After getting inside the cage, the couple allegedly shoved the animal and swatted at it with a hat, which resulted in Casper sitting down on top of the wife.
She then freed herself by biting the dromedary’s testicles, or D’s nuts, if you will.
Camel toe vs. camel nuts.
Big Dipper of the Week
Woman accused of serving coworkers meth-laced bean dip
An employee was arrested and charged after police say she put methamphetamine into bean dip that was eaten by a coworker.
Cassandra Medina Hernandez, 38, is facing multiple charges including delivery of meth, reckless endangerment and causing another person to ingest a controlled substance.
On Sept. 9, a Thriftway employee told investigators that Hernandez, who works in the deli, let her try some of the bean dip she was making.
The employee said she liked it so much, she decided to take some for lunch.
Investigators say when the employee went to eat the bean dip, it tasted a bit funny.
When the employee went back to work, she says she started to feel unsteady. She went to the hospital, where tests showed meth in her system.
Hernandez is accused of putting the drugs in the bean dip.
Deputies believe at least one other employee ate the dip from the same contaminated dish.
Authorities made the arrest after interviewing multiple employees and reviewing surveillance video.
“I think it’s really unusual. I’ve never heard of such a thing,” a shopper [said].
What? You never heard of frijoles con meth before? It’s the official dish of Mexico.
Dick Move of the Week
Man accused of shoplifting but suspicious bulge in his trousers was just his 10in penis
A MAN was accused of shoplifting after staff saw a suspicious bulge in his jeans — but it turned out to be his 10in todger.
Window fitter Steve Whitehurst, 47, showed security his member after a female manager raised the alarm.
He had been buying £400-worth of stuff at Scotts Menswear, with girlfriend Mandy Shenton, 46, and her 18-month-old grandson.
But things came to a head at the till when the store manager asked about his bulge.
Steve, who claims he often has to roll up his manhood, said: “I had very tight jeans on that day and there was a bulge, yes, but that’s not illegal. I can’t help the way I’m made.
“The manager started arguing with me. She wouldn’t let it go. I just kept telling her that it was my penis.
“Eventually I dropped my trousers in front of everyone and just stood there in my boxer shorts and said, ‘See, I’ve got nothing to hide’.
“But that didn’t satisfy her. She kept saying, ‘What’s that bulge?’”
He said he then went to a cubicle with a male security guard at his local store in Stoke-on-Trent.
Steve recalled: “I dropped my boxers. He shook his head and ran out and spoke with the manager. I heard her say, ‘Please tell me he’s got something down there,’ and the guy said, ‘No’.”
I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me. Mostly because it’s never happened to me.
Dick Groove of the Week
Man found with cuts on his penis and gunshot wound to the head, Cleveland police say
Cleveland police are investigating after a 24-year-old man was found shot in the head and with part of his penis cut by a knife, according to a police report.
On Sunday shortly before 3:30 a.m., police responded to the 8900 block of Detroit Avenue for a man who had been shot.
Upon officers’ arrival, the victim was being loaded into the ambulance by EMS.
While attempting to locate witnesses, police noticed blood on the ground and found 11 shell casings scattered throughout the parking lot of an apartment building.
Talking to hospital staff about the man’s condition, police learned the victim had received a gunshot wound to the right side of his head, where the bullet was still lodged. He also had road rashes alongside the back of his legs and it appeared that 50% of his penis was cut from a knife…
On the bright side, 50% of his penis was not cut.
Dick Grave of the Week
Who erected this penis statue in Sweden more than 2500 years ago?
What a team of Swedish archaeologists first believed to be a Bronze Age grave turned out to be a large penis that may have been used for sacrificial rites.
The phallic stone, measuring a stately 52 centimetres, was discovered during an archaeological excavation at Rollsbo, Kungälv, near Gothenburg in western Sweden.
“The stone was hidden under a stone packing and originally the archaeologists thought it was a Bronze Age grave,” said archaeological consultancy firm The Archaeologists in a press release.
“In this specific context, with a stone so clearly resembling a phallus, perhaps it was primarily a fertility cult,” mused The Archaeologists about the purpose of the sacrificial site.
The phallic stone was found erected in the centre of the monument, with patches of soot surrounding it. A hammer stone and two small burned bones were also found, probably animal bones, said The Archaeologists.
Dick Peterson?
Deuce of the Week
Mother with TWO vaginas and two wombs defies odds to end up with four children
Lauren Cotter, 34, was diagnosed with uterus didelphys aged 16 following years of agonising period pains.
The condition – which affects around one in 3,000 women – meant she was born with two uteruses, two cervixes and, in her case, two vaginas.
The primary school teacher was told that carrying and delivering children would be difficult because her wombs and cervixes were half the size of an average woman.
But, against the odds, Mrs Cotter and childhood sweetheart husband Ben, 33, have become parents to Amelie, five, Harvey, three, and 15-month-old twins Maya and Evie.
Yeah, 2+2=4. That’s not news.
Nut of the Week
Navi Mumbai resident sodomised, five men insert coconut shell in his anus
A 36-year-old man was brutalised in a sexual assault by five unidentified persons at Vashi in Navi Mumbai, necessitating an emergency surgery to save his life, police said on Wednesday.
The incident occurred on Monday evening at a deserted place in sector 8, an official said.
According to the complainant, he was forcibly taken to a deserted place by five men when he was smoking a cigarette, he said, adding that the accused inserted a coconut shell in the anus of the victim while sodomising him.
The accused fled the spot after the victim fell unconscious, the Vashi police station official said.
The accused are believed to be in the age group of 25-30 years, he said, adding that police suspect the accused might have been under the influence of drugs.
The victim somehow walked to the main road before collapsing.
He was rushed to a nearby hospital by some passersby, the official said, adding that the victim had to undergo an emergency surgery at a private hospital.
What kind of drugs make you shove a coconut up someone’s butt?
Money Shot of the Week
Man charged with attempted criminal homicide after shooting lover in buttocks, groin
Metro Police have arrested a man for shooting his lover in the buttocks and groin while attempting to meet up for intimacy.
The victim and the suspect, 20-year-old Shaheem Hyde, had an intimate, sexual relationship.
The victim told police that he and Hyde agreed to meet up on Tuesday night, Sept. 17, to spend some time together. The victim later went to Hyde’s house where he picked him up just after midnight Wednesday.
The victim was driving and Hyde told him to go to a park not far from his house. When they got there, they saw numerous people at the park and Hyde instructed him to go to the other side of the park. When they got there, they saw more people. Hyde then reportedly told the victim to go to this other spot down an alley and the victim refused. Hyde then instructed him to park his car near a home on the 2300 block of Lacy Street.
When they got there and got out of the car, Hyde approached the victim and kissed him. The victim stepped back when he noticed Hyde had a gun and confronted him about it. Hyde reportedly fired shots at the victim, striking him twice. The victim ran to a nearby home where Hyde continued to fire at his direction.
When Hyde caught up with the victim, he demanded his phone. The victim was able to make it back to his car and flee the scene. Hyde continued to fire at his car, striking the car and causing damage.
Gay gangster foreplay is horrifying.
Funny Shot of the Week
Officer shoots himself in buttocks
A police officer is off work after shooting himself in the buttocks with a Glock pistol.
He was putting the firearm back in its holster when the gun went off.
The accidental discharge happened last week on the firing range at Police College where the officer was on a specialist training course.
“The live round went through an internal wall into an office and embedded itself in an external wall,” the IPCA wrote.
No criminal charges were laid but an employment investigation concluded the officer’s actions amounted to misconduct.
“The officer was not badly injured and is expected back to work at their home station later this week,” said Inspector Dave Rose, the manager of Tactical Training.
He added the police will keep looking into the matter to determine what other lessons could be learned.
Isn’t “don’t shoot yourself in the ass” the only real lesson here?
Fruit of the Week
Omaha police investigate ‘assault with a banana’
A banana thrown at a man’s face prompted a call to Omaha police.
Officers were called to Benson Tower at 59th Street and the Northwest Radial shortly before 9:20 a.m. Thursday “in order to investigate an assault with a banana.” A 53-year-old man said he had gotten into an argument with a 23-year-old female resident.
The man told police he walked away to de-escalate the situation, but as the elevator doors were about to close, the man saw the woman’s hand “punch through the door, followed by a banana,” according to a police report.
The woman threw the banana at the man, hitting him in the face and dirtying his red T-shirt, the man reported.
Officers could “see a small amount of banana smudge” on the man’s shirt, the police report said, but no mark was visible on his face.
“The banana was not recovered and its whereabouts were unknown,” officers said in their report.
When police talked to the woman, she told them that she had started arguing with the man because he was trying to throw away items that belonged in the building’s common area.
The woman said the man then called her and her baby ugly, officers reported, and he said “she was giving all of his friends STDs.”
The woman’s assault conviction was later overturned on a peel.
Vegetable of the Week
‘Sexy Vegan’ pleads not guilty to sexually abusing dog
A Newhall man who calls himself “Sexy Vegan” pleaded not guilty in court Friday to sexually assaulting his dog.
Sexy Vegan, a.k.a. Hansel DeBartolo III, age 37, entered the plea after being charged with one misdemeanor count each of sexual assault on an animal and posting obscene matter…
On Sept. 5, Vegan posted a video on his social media account depicting inappropriate behavior with a pit bull, prosecutors said.
The video, which was shared last week on social media, involved a man with his dog performing a sex act on him…
The man was identified in the Sheriff’s Station booking logs as Sexy Vegan, a Newhall resident who listed his occupation as 2020 presidential candidate.
The suspect has gained notoriety for his social media postings and an appearance on “Dr. Phil,” in which he was kicked off the set “for using excessive profanity while dancing the moonwalk,”…
Moonwalking and dog f*cking probably won’t win him the White House, but he’s certainly qualified to be governor of Virginia.
Slash of the Week
Columbus City Schools bus driver stabbed to death in front of home; 3 arrested
Three people are charged in connection to the death of a Columbus City Schools bus driver.
The Franklin County Sheriff’s Office said 54-year-old John Clinedinst was found dead on the porch of his home on Tuesday.
The sheriff’s office said 19-year-old Tarayle Glick and 23-year-old Donte Slash are charged with aggravated murder. Abraham Shears, 52, is charged with felony conspiracy.
According to a sworn affidavit filed by the sheriff’s office, deputies said Slash and Glick waited outside the home for the victim to leave at around 3:30 a.m. on Tuesday.
When Clinedinst came outside, Glick blinded the victim with a flashlight while Slash stabbed the victim several times, according to the affidavit.
The sheriff’s office said Shears arranged for Clinedinst’s murder.
Slash and Shears were arrested for a stabbing? Too bad the other guy’s name isn’t Slicey Puncture.
Chop of the Week
During argument at Allentown party, woman chops victim with tomahawk, police say
A 55-year-old woman was arrested Sunday after she allegedly chopped her friend with a tomahawk, causing a lacerated liver, according to court records.
Allentown police said the stabbing happened at 11:35 p.m. Saturday at a party in the apartment of Carol Lofland in the 700 block of Dixon Street.
Police learned of the stabbing after they were dispatched to St. Luke’s Hospital in Allentown, where the victim was reportedly dropped off in the emergency room by two friends. The victim had a 2-inch cut on the right side of her chest, police said. The injury lacerated her liver and caused internal bleeding, police said.
The victim said she was at a party at Lofland’s apartment. At the party, she got into an argument with another woman and “her friend,” Lofland, hit her with what she described as a “Native American scalpel,” an ax-type edged weapon like a tomahawk, court records say.
The victim was taken to the trauma center at St. Luke’s University Hospital for further treatment.
Elizabeth Warren continues to push Medicare-for-all.
WTF? of the Week
This is somehow less unsettling than her actual speech.
