Beto O’Rourke dropped out, democrats voted for a pseudo impeachment inquiry, and Joe Biden is still crazy so there were no surprises this week. Here are some genuine WTF? moments liberals should aspire to:
Headline of the Week
Utah woman charged with falsely reporting her husband murdered her
A Utah woman is facing two criminal charges after she reportdly claimed her husband shot and killed her.
Rebecaa Nielson, 44, of Bluffdale, Utah is charged with one count of criminal mischief, a class B misdemeanor, and emergency reporting abuse, a third-degree felony, court documents state.
Multiple agencies responded to the couple’s residence. Several announcements were made, asking for the man to exit the residence. Eventually, Nielson–much to the officers’ surprise–came out of the house. A few minutes later, her husband exited a motorhome parked on the property.
Court documents state the man seemed confused as to why the officers were there.
The man told police he had been talking to his friend on the phone when Nielson started yelling at him. She allegedly took his phone away and broke his laptop computer screen. After the argument, the man went to sleep in the RV.
911, what’s your emergency? I’ve been murdered! Stay on the line, coroners are on the way.
Runner-Up Headline of the Week
Angus man who tried to fly drone into Perth Prison claimed Romanian circus stole his chihuahua
A drone pilot caught trying to fly a mobile phone into a maximum security prison has been jailed for nine months.
Philip Moreton was found hiding in a hedge near Perth Prison and claimed he was searching for his pet chihuahua as it had been dognapped by a Romanian circus troupe.
Sheriff Pino di Emidio described Moreton’s shaggy dog story as “fanciful” and said: “It was one of the most remarkable lines of defence I’ve ever heard.”
Define “remarkable.”
Dick of the Week
Woman ‘bites attacker’s penis off during sexual assault’
A kidnapped woman reportedly bit off a sex attacker’s penis as he assaulted her at knifepoint.
The victim fought off Dennis Slaton, 61, before stabbing him and fleeing into the street naked and covered in blood…
He allegedly abducted the woman in the city of Greenville after stopping at a petrol station to give her a lift on 8 August.
Instead of dropping the woman off at the street she requested, he threatened her with a knife and took her to his home…
After forcing the woman into his house, he sexually assaulted her and threatened to kill her…
But the victim fought off Slaton, severing his penis, and used his knife to stab him in the buttocks before fleeing his house.
The crime report did not say how Slaton’s penis was severed, but against the advice of his attorney, Slaton spoke to various media outlets and told local television station 7News the woman had bitten it off.
“It was pretty bad, pretty tragic, what happened to me,” he claimed…
Define “Tragic.”
Dick Pic of The Week
Hot tub repair man worked in women’s homes with his penis hanging out
A HOT TUB repair man turned up at a female customer’s front door with his penis sticking out of his trousers.
Ivan Kotkov remained in that exposed state as he carried out work at her house.
Kotkov then went to the home of another woman where he again walked around the house with his penis out.
The women, aged 54 and 33, described his penis as “hanging out” and “popping out” of his trousers as he walked about their homes carrying out the repairs.
One of the women took a photograph of the penis hanging out of his trousers and it was shown in court.
Both were very distressed by their ordeals with one saying she felt “traumatised” afterwards.
Kotkov claimed the zip on his works trousers was broken but he had not realised this when he turned up at the first house.
He said it was only when he went to use the toilet at that house that he noticed the zip was broken and he had then tried to fix it with a pair of pliers.
He claimed he was not wearing underwear and that the women must have seen his penis through the broken zip.
Maybe it’s just me, but if someone shows up at my house with his dong hanging out, I don’t let him in.
Nut of the Week
Boxing legend Johnny Nelson forced to quit coffee after testicle swells to ‘size of a coconut’
BOXING legend Johnny Nelson has given up coffee — after revealing his testicle swelled to the size of a COCONUT.
The former cruiserweight world champ, who reigned supreme with the WBO title from 1999 to 2005, has told of how his testicle went from the size of “peanut to coconut” after drinking caffeine.
“I have this problem when I drink coffee. I can’t drink caffeine because one of my balls swells up.
“It goes from peanut to coconut. I thought, ‘There’s something not quite right here.’
“So I went to the doctor and he started laughing and said, ‘Well, just don’t drink coffee.’
“So now I just try and stay away from caffeine.
“Now and again if you see me walking and I’m shaking a leg out then I’ve had a cup.”
The reaction appears to be an allergic reaction to caffeine, which can sometimes aggravate a drinker’s throat, stomach or legs.
But to have swollen testicles is rare.
It would also wreck Nelson’s chances of wearing a fitted suit.
Not if it was fitted for his coconuts. Speaking of nuts…
Asshole of the Week
Creature Feature: Sea Walnuts: Occasional Anuses
Although it looks similar to a jellyfish, Mnemiopsis leidyi is part of an entirely separate family called comb jellies or ctenophores. Also known as the sea walnut or warty comb jelly, they have 4 rows of fused cilia known as combs that are used to propel them through the water.
The warty comb jelly is a hermaphroditic species, meaning that they produce both eggs and sperm and are thus capable of self-fertilisation. They are also carnivorous, consuming smaller organisms such as zooplankton and sometimes even resorting to cannibalism.
New discoveries about how it expels waste have made Mnemiopsis leidyi a talking point in the news. Unlike jellyfish, which eat and defecate out of the same hole, the warty comb jelly does so out of two separate orifices. However, it has been found that their anus only appears when the time to poop arises. A recent study showed that the warty comb jelly expels waste on a set time schedule, and the anus vanishes between these set times.
For my next trick I will make my asshole disappear. Ta-da.
Vag of the Week
Woman to undergo third surgery for the ‘perfect Barbie vagina’
This gal is putting her money where her crotch is.
Star Delguidice — who prides herself on being a “real-life doll” — is traveling from the United Kingdom to Turkey, where she will pay over $6,400 for an operation the clinic calls “The Barbie Vagina.”
“The surgery will enable me to have the most perfect vagina, just like Barbie,” says Delguidice, 32. “Despite the large cost, it’s something I can’t stop thinking about.”
The vaginoplasty, explains Delguidice, involves “tucking up” the vagina in the hopes of “making it as small and tight as possible, while neatening it all from the outside.” The operation is usually performed on women who have had children, but Delguidice tells Caters News she’s getting the designer redux in December as a Christmas gift to herself.
Delguidice says this will be the third operation she has on her lady bits, amounting to just a fraction of the $257,000 she’s already spent on cosmetic procedures over the years.
The self-described surgery addict has spent over a quarter-million on surgery in her hopes of looking like a real-life Barbie, having undergone a litany of procedures over the years. The 32-year-old says she’s had breast implants, liposuction, four nose jobs, jaw and forehead contouring, two eyebrow lifts, nipple reduction, eyelash treatment, veneers and a surgical lip lift, to name a few.
Barbie doesn’t have a vagina. I checked.
Cobbler of the Week
Man fined for masturbating and urinating in female residents’ shoes
SINGAPORE — A man who masturbated and urinated into female residents’ shoes at HDB blocks was on Thursday (24 October) fined $5,000 at the State Courts.
Low Yan Long, 34, pleaded guilty to two charges of doing an obscene act in public.
Low, who held part-time jobs at a casket company and a fast-food restaurant, also admitted to two counts of mischief and causing damage to property which were considered in sentencing.
The court heard that Low had been feeling stressed due to work and family matters, and turned to looking for women’s shoes at HDB blocks.
“The accused did so because he was sexually aroused when he saw and smelt ladies shoes as he would imagine beautiful women wearing the shoes,” said Deputy Public Prosecutor Joshua Foo.
“When he found such shoes, he would masturbate and urinate in the shoes as a way to relieve stress,” the prosecutor added.
On 22 January, Low went to a HDB block in Toa Payoh after work.
“Feeling stressed due to pressures at home, the accused decided to masturbate with a lady’s shoe to relieve his stress. Thus, he went up to the said block in search of a lady’s shoe to masturbate with,” said DPP Foo.
At about 7pm, he found a pair of shoes placed outside a home. Low picked up the footwear and went to the staircase landing, where he unzipped his pants and used a handkerchief to cover his groin area.
He placed his penis in one of the shoes and masturbated before leaving the shoes at the staircase landing and leaving the scene.
The sign said “Fine for Masturbating” so he thought it was okay.
Boob of the Week
Artist creates brilliant paintings of the Queen by using her boobs as brushes
This week in weirdly delightful news, a woman has been painting with her boobs, and the results are pretty great.
Artist Nadia Matievskay from Belarus doesn’t paint fruit bowls or nude folks, she makes majestic illustrations of none other than Her Majesty the Queen.
The 21-year-old has been using Elizabeth II as her muse and her boobs as her brushes, and she even manages to sell her paintings.
Covering her breasts in paint, Nadia has also been able to create stunning landscapes.
Nadia said she had never picked up a paintbrush until she began painting her unique pieces back in February.
The budding Picasso says she picked up her unique style of painting while she was completing an acting course.
She said: ‘One day our mission was to give each other some weird tasks.
‘And my task was quite odd, to paint a picture with my breast and sell it. So, at the start, it was sort of just a joke.
And another plus side – she gets to save money on aprons.
If she uses her boob for a brush, what does she use for a boob?
Dope of the Week
Doctors remove bag of weed that was stuck in man’s nose for 18 years
Doctors in Australia removed a bag of weed that was stuck in a man’s nose, unbeknownst to him, for 18 years, according to a new case report.
Physicians said they removed what is known as a nose stone in the case report called: “A nose out of joint: first reported case of prison-acquired marijuana-based rhinolith.”
Although stones rarely form in the nasal cavity, a rhinolith is like a stone formation within the nasal cavity.
“Despite experiencing persistent symptoms of nasal obstruction and recurrent sinonasal infections, the marijuana package was only discovered 18 years after insertion following imaging for an unrelated indication,” the case report said.
“During a prison visit, the patient’s girlfriend supplied him with a small quantity of marijuana, inside a rubber balloon,” Smith and his colleagues noted in the case report.
The now 48-year-old patient had slipped the package of weed into his right nostril, which successfully hid it from prison guards.
When the man tried to retrieve the bag of marijuana, he accidentally lodged it deeper into his nasal cavity and assumed he had unknowingly swallowed it later, the report said.
But unbeknownst to him, the joint stayed there for nearly two decades, as the nose weed never made it to the man’s throat. Instead, it developed in a gray calcified lesion, a rhinolith that measured 19 by 11 millimeters.
But where did they find the bag of coke? The answer may surprise you.
Arborist of the Week
Man ‘tried to have sex with a pile of leaves’ in a hotel car park
A drunk and drugged up man ‘tried to have sex with a pile of leaves’ in the car park of a Premier Inn, a court heard.
Michael Golsorkhi was seen ‘thrusting’ with his trousers around his ankles in full view of families eating at a Beefeater pub in Stockport.
The 26-year-old pulled up his underwear before running away and hiding in bushes after he was confronted by hotel staff.
He emerged from the bushes after 10 minutes following requests to come out by police during the incident last month.
In a statement, an unnamed staff member said: “My colleague and I were aware of a male acting suspiciously in the hotel car park, near to the main entrance.
“We saw a white male with his trousers down and we could see his bum. There was nothing between me and this male, he was about a car length away from me and he appeared to be having sex.
“At one stage I shouted to him ‘what are you doing, you dirty b*****d?’ and he then leapt up, pulled his trousers up and sat in the bushes.
It turns out he was the branch manager so everything was cool. Besides it’s not like he was raping animals…
Zoologist of the Week
A DEVIANT who pleaded guilty to having sex with three dogs including a golden retriever has had his sentencing delayed.
Dean Anthony Sellenthin admitted to 96 charges including multiple incidents of bestiality and stealing the underwear of women and children.
Aussie cops had claimed over a seven-year period he preyed on tourists, locals and pets in the popular beach resort of Byron Bay in New South Wales.
He pleaded guilty to bestiality charges, which involved sex with a “dark short haired canine” and the retriever, which he raped 19 times at his home in Bangalow, say court documents.
Sellenthin was also said to have stolen up to 48 pairs of women’s and children’s swimwear, and underwear from properties in the region.
What did they think happens at a bungalow in Bangalow? Besides it’s not like he raped a human corpse…
Organist of the Week
Hospital guard caught having sex with woman’s corpse ahead of organ donation
A perverted hospital security guard who had sex with a patient’s corpse just hours after she died has managed to avoid a prison sentence
Cameron Wright, 23, admitted the vile act after two men caught him in a body storage room.
The woman, April Parham, 37, was an organ donor and was due to have vital parts removed.
Wright was fired from St. Francis Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee, following his arrest last August.
He was charged with abusing the nursery school teacher’s corpse.
But shockingly, he could now end up with a clean record without spending time in jail after a court ruling.
Court files reveal that the charge against Wright, who had no previous convictions in the area, is considered a “low-level crime.”
And a judge has granted him a three-year diversion, which means the case will be set aside if Wright does not commit other offences, according to prosecutors.
His attempt at donating an organ wasn’t nearly as selfless.
WTF? of the Week
Yuan Herong, 30 started training two years ago because she wanted a stronger body.
She started going to the gym five times a week and now has incredibly honed body, with her millions Instagram fans stunned to see how athletic she looks.
Now, Herong calls herself a doctor and part-time model.
She works in a traditional Chinese medicine clinic in China’s Shandong Province, and explained she got interested in body building from a young age because she’s always loved Kung Fu.
She works out up to five times a week and although it’s often “painful and tiring”, seeing how quickly her body changed means she won’t give up.
I bet she could crush Johnny Nelson’s coconuts with those thighs.
