After 2 weeks of public testimony, democrats only managed to produce witnesses who said President Trump didn’t commit a crime or an impeachable offense and didn’t demand quid pro quo. The biggest WTF? of the week, the year, and of Trump’s presidency is that democrats continue to push for impeachment. Here’s some other crazy stuff that can’t possibly compete with that level of WTF?:
Headline of the Week
MSP trooper pulls over man in banana car, gives him $20
Last month, Steve Braithwaite was traveling down the highway near Adrian when a Michigan State Police trooper pulled him over.
The 59-year-old thought he may get a ticket, but the trooper just wanted to admire his car.
His large, bright yellow, banana-shaped car.
Braithwaite said the incident happened on the morning of Oct. 27 while he driving on U.S.-223. Without a roof covering him, the first thought that came to Braithwaite was how the delay was going to make him colder.
“It was a really cold morning,” he said. “I had seven layers of clothes on and my main thought was, ‘How much colder was this going to make me? ‘”
But then he and Trooper Bill Strouse had a conversation.
“I told him some Big Banana stories, and he was a really nice guy.”
…Strouse checked the vehicle’s headlights, brake lights, and taillights. When he gave back Braithwaite’s driver’s license, a $20 bill was wrapped around it.
I feel like there’s a racial profiling story hidden in here somewhere.
Forced Bussing of the Week
N.C. man accused of taking his penis out, forcing himself on woman on city bus
A Burlington man is behind bars Thursday, accused of taking his penis completely out of his pants on a GoRaleigh bus and forcing himself on a female rider, a Wake County arrest warrant shows.
Christopher Eugene McDade, 37, is charged with second-degree kidnapping, assault on a female, sexual battery, and indecent exposure. He was arrested Wednesday.
According to the warrant, McDade kidnapped a woman on Wednesday “by unlawfully confining the victim and restraining the victim, without the consent of the victim and restraining the victim…for the purpose of terrorizing [the victim] and maintaining [the victim] for sexual servitude.”
In addition to kidnapping the woman, McDade is accused of physically restraining her from getting off the bus and pushing her. After pushing her, McDade had “his penis displayed and pushed himself onto the victim…not allowing her to leave the bus,” the warrant says.
McDade had his “penis completely out of his pants” on the GoRaleigh bus, according to the warrant.
This is North Carolina’s first recorded case of a bus-jacking.
Celebrity Impersonator of the Week
Hospital ‘removed a man’s testicle without permission after bungling an op’
Bill Murray, 62, had been booked in for a 30-minute procedure to drain a swollen testicle.
But he woke to find a vacuum drain had been inserted which was not checked for 24 hours, leading to an infection.
He was taken back into surgery and anaesthetised without anyone telling him the testicle would be removed, he claims.
Mr Murray said: “I looked down and saw I was missing a testicle. I didn’t know what to say. I was just in shock.”
He added: “A consultant took me for an ultrasound and said ‘I’ve never seen such a bloody mess in my life’.”
Who ya gonna call? Gonadbusters!
Ringer of the Week
Firefighters save man’s penis after he gets 2cm-wide steel ring stuck around it
A man who got a 2cm steel ring stuck around his penis prompted a full-scale emergency operation to get it removed.
Doctors and firefighters wielding a bolt-cutter managed to save the unlucky bloke’s member after he turned up at hospital after suffering for three days.
The man, from Xinxiang City, in China’s Henan Province, told local media he was “too embarrassed” to attend medics after being unable to remove the ring himself.
The unnamed male patient, who the fire service said was around 30-years-old, reportedly refused to say whether he had slipped the sex toy around his genitals in order to pleasure himself.
When he finally turned to doctors on November 11, medics had to call the fire service for help after they struggled to remove the ring from his red and swollen anatomy.
The rescue operation was a race against the clock to save but urgently needed to free the patient’s penis in order to prevent necrosis – the death of the tissue of his genitals.
Firefighters arrived with heavy-duty hydraulic cutters, after rejecting the idea of an angle grinder due to fears the sparks would cause further injury.
Always use the right tool for the job. Speaking of which…
Handler of the Week
Man killed by hammer handle in rectum
AHMEDABAD: Maninagar police on Thursday filed a case of murder for the death of a 38-year-old man, who was killed one year ago by an unknown person who stuck the handle of a hammer into his rectum and dumped the body near Dedki Garden in Khokhra.
Later, a panel postmortem was conducted which found the cause of death was shock as a result of injury sustained in the sigmoid colon. The police complaint stated that an unknown person had inserted the wooden handle of a hammer into Ashish’ rectum, which had led to his death.
No superficial injury was seen on the body. Police had found only the hammer handle, which turned out to be the murder weapon.
Nailed it!
Ass of the Week
Woman files lawsuit claiming man severely injured buttocks with sword
A woman is suing a Berkeley County father and son, claiming the son struck her with a sword while they were attempting to buy computer equipment.
The lawsuit names John and Tommy Juba and was filed Wednesday in state court in Berkeley County.
According to suit, Chasity Baughn says in December 2016, she and her husband answered an ad to buy some computer equipment and tools at Juba’s home.
Baughn says she and her husband were making the purchase inside the garage with the defendant’s roommate when suddenly John Juba charged at the couple with a sword.
The lawsuit claims when Baughn tried to get away, Juba hit her ”in the buttocks” with the sword, “causing severe and permanent injuries.”
The suit alleges Juba’s father, Tommy, knew or should have known of his son’s “propensity for dangerous and erratic behavior and that this combined with the presence of a lethal weapon” John Juba had acess to “constituted an unreasonably dangerous situation.”
She wanted a computer with a lot of RAM and instead got rammed in the ass by a sword. Now that’s irony.
Jackass of the Week
Swiss Police Release Video Featuring ‘Sex With Donkey’ to Explain to Kids Why Bestiality Porn is Bad
As law enforcement in a Swiss city near Zurich are finding more and more illegal videos on teenagers’ smartphones, they decided to explain to minors why such clips are bad using what appeared to be footage of a man having sex with an animal.
The city police of Winterthur, Switzerland, have raised eyebrows with their prevention campaign against the spread of certain illicit videos among teenagers. They released several videos that were supposed to show the dangers and consequences of possessing footage of crimes or bestiality porn.
One of the clips began with an explicit scene featuring a man who ran up to a donkey, pulled his pants down, and appeared to have sex with the animal. This illustration of what an explicit video might look like was then cut to a shot with prison bars over a smartphone with the donkey sex on it and a caption that said “Animal porn is punished!”
How else are they going to learn?
Name of the Week
Mississauga teacher found not guilty of sexually assaulting student
A Mississauga high school teacher has been found not guilty of sexually assaulting a student and attempting to solicit a pornographic photo of another.
Gavin McAnally, who was a teacher and soccer coach at St. Francis Xavier Secondary School, was charged with four counts in total, including sexual interference and invitation to sexual touching.
The charges related to two separate incidents, one in the summer of 2016 and the other in February 2017, involving two boys who were students at the Mississauga Catholic school at the time. The two accusers, aged 15 and 17 at the time, have their names protected by a publication ban.
In the decision, released Oct. 29, Ontario Superior Court of Justice Judge William LeMay said he had reasonable doubts that McAnally committed the crimes due to “frailties” in the evidence provided by the accusers.
But the judge found that the boy, who accused the teacher of touching his penis, was “inconsistent” on some key details during testimony and not “completely candid” about the number of times he contacted the teacher following the alleged sexual assault.
One of the four counts, a charge involving McAnally allegedly inviting touch for sexual purposes with a minor, was withdrawn by the Crown.
Plus they let him go because his name is McAnally, not McHandjobilly.
Nombre of the Week
Phoenix man arrested for threatening victim, stealing burrito
A Phoenix man has been arrested after police say he stole another man’s burrito.
Court documents state that the victim called police when 29-year-old Timothy Bell took his burrito from him while threatening him. The victim stayed on the phone with police and followed Bell until officers arrived…
Police stopped Bell and found the burrito wrapper on him. He was taken into custody and booked on one count of felony robbery.
Police were shocked that a man named T. Bell felt entitled to Mexican food.
Bank Name of the Week
Man arrested for bomb scare at Chase bank in Village of Oak Creek
The Yavapai County Sheriff’s Office has arrested a man they say caused a bomb scare at a Chase Bank in the Village of Oak Creek.
The situation began shortly before 12:30 p.m. Thursday with a report of a man “causing a disturbance” at the Chase Bank on Highway 179 north of Verde Valley School Road.
According to the YCSO, the man, later identified as 48-year-old Michael Chase, walked into the bank and demanded they close his account. Deputies say Chase said he had a bomb on him and a second bomb inside his van parked outside next to the bank. He also broke a window and was “exhibiting strange behavior.”
Chase was wearing a poncho that covered most of his upper body and appeared to carry a cell phone and a box-like object. Deputies say Chase was aggressive and uncooperative, so they used a TASER stun gun to subdue and arrest him.
You didn’t think Chase was going to rob a Wells Fargo, did you?
Disney Name of the Week
Suspect in Monroe police shooting identified as Simba Lion
Details are still limited but the Michigan State Police have identified the suspect who allegedly shot a pair of Monroe police officers Tuesday.
According to MSP officials, the suspect is 40-year-old Simba Lion.
The names of the injured officers have not been released.
Lion was listed in critical condition at St. Vincent Medical Center in Toledo as of Wednesday morning.
Who knew “hakuna matata” means f*ck the police?
Father-Daughter Dance of the Week
West Virginia father marries one of his daughters after murdering her boyfriend
A West Virginia man admitted to authorities that he married one of his two daughters after helping both of them kill another man and dump him in a shallow grave, a report said Monday.
Larry Paul McClure, 55, said in a letter to state investigators that he and his daughters — 31-year-old Amanda Michelle Naylor McClure and 32-year-old Anna Marie Choudhry — plotted the murder of John McGuire, who was dating Amanda…
A West Virginia State Police officer testified in a recent court hearing that the trio hit McGuire in the head with a bottle of wine, tied him up and injected him with two vials of meth, according to the report.
They then strangled him and buried him in a shallow grave on the property of a home where they were staying in the Skygusty section of the state.
“I cannot tell you why Amanda wanted John McGuire dead,” Larry McClure wrote, according to the report.
“I am asking for this to be over and not waisting [sic] the taxpayers money and hurting the family members on both sides of this. John McGuires family and my family,” he added.
Police allege Amanda and her father then traveled to Virginia and married each other at the United Methodist Church ministry of the gospel.
Leaving West Virginia to marry your daughter is like leaving the bar to get a drink.
Pelt of the Week
Pueblo Police officer pelted with ramen packet while making arrest
A woman in Pueblo had “beef” with an officer when she threw packets of Top Ramen noodles and other items as he was attempting to take someone into custody Wednesday night.
The Pueblo Police officer was on patrol when he ran a license plate at a motel and learned it was stolen.
After he ran the plate, a woman came out of a motel room and made her way to get in the driver’s seat of the car.
The officer immediately went to take her into custody.
The department said she resisted and the officer got her to the ground, where he tried to place handcuffs on her.
While he was attempting to place her in custody, the second woman came out of the room and started throwing things at him.
PPD said the second woman was taken into custody when backup arrived.
Why’d the woman throw ramen at the cop? Well, that’s a real noodle-scratcher there.
Superhero of the Week
Boy brings heroin to school, says when he tastes it he becomes ‘Spider-Man’
A Massachusetts man has pleaded not guilty to drug charges after authorities said his 5-year-old son brought heroin to school and told his teacher that when he tastes the powder he becomes Spider-Man.
The Daily Hampshire Gazette reports that 29-year-old Benny Garcia, of Holyoke, was arraigned Friday in Holyoke District Court. He faces charges of drug possession and reckless endangerment of a child.
Prosecutors say Garcia’s son brought a plastic bag decorated with Spider-Man to kindergarten Thursday and put it in his mouth, telling a teacher eating the powder turns him into the superhero. Authorities say the boy was taken to a hospital but was unharmed.
Police searching Garcia’s home say they found more than 200 bags of heroin and cocaine.
Who does the boy become when he tastes the coke? Crack Panther?
WTF? of the Week
Danielle Gaffar, 19, carried out the frenzied assault on terrified Kyra Strachan, then 18, at Dundee’s Aura club on February 3.
Gaffar, of Tealing, pled guilty to grabbing Miss Strachan by the hair, forcing her to the ground, striking her head off the ground, putting her arm around her throat, restricting her breathing and biting her to her severe injury and permanent disfigurement on February 3.
Dundee Sheriff Court heard the pair were friends but had fallen out over Gaffar’s ex-boyfriend.
The court was told victim Strachan required plastic surgery as a result of the assault and also how Gaffar received death threats as a result of the publicity of the case.
This is why you never use “eat me” as taunt before a fight.
