New year, same WTF? This week was so long and WTF? it started last year and spans 2 decades. Also the democrats still haven’t transmitted the articles of impeachment and they are all suddenly big fans of the brutal Iran terrorist regime. Here’s some other WTF? to kick off 2020 with a bang:
Headline of the Week
Suspect arrested after allegedly abducting man, goat at gunpoint in Missouri
A man with an extensive criminal history was arrested early New Year’s Day in Oklahoma after allegedly abducting a man and his goat during a carjacking or sorts in Missouri.
The victim told Creek County, Oklahoma, deputies that the assailant drove him around parts of Missouri, Oklahoma and Kansas, at times pistol-whipping him and taking methamphetamine while driving.
The suspect, Brandon Kirby, was eventually found in Sand Springs and was caught after a chase with officers.
The victim was asleep in a truck outside an adult video store in Carthage, Missouri, while his friend was inside, when Kirby allegedly got into the truck, pointed a pistol at him and drove away.
The kidnapper eventually let the victim out along the side of a road in Creek County, but not before reportedly driving to Joplin, Missouri; Galena, Kansas; Webb City, Missouri; Tulsa; Sand Springs; and then into Creek County.
The victim told deputies that the kidnapper let him take his pet goat with him when he was set free. The deputies later transported both the victim and his goat to the sheriff’s department.
He was taking a nap with a goat and then got kidnapped. How’s that for irony?
Boner of the Week
A public ice rink with an apparently phallic shape is attracting much attention in Siberia.
The huge rink with a striking resemblance to the male genitalia and complete with a large Christmas tree at one end was installed in the Siberian city of Novosibirsk in the southern Russian region of Novosibirsk Oblast.
Residents were shocked by the rink on Lenina Square after aerial photos appeared in local media.
Local journalist Yuri Dud, 33, posted the snap on his social media page, commenting: ‘This is what can be described as the power of Siberia.’
And another social media user added: ‘I wonder if it was planned or they just happened to accidentally come up with a rink like that.’
One person said: ‘Of course they had to shape it like a penis. What else can you expect from Siberians…’
Others seemed impressed like Netizen ‘Natalia Ilina’ who said: ‘Oh my God, this is so pretty!’
And ‘Vladimir Elizarov’ commented: ‘European cities must be so jealous of this snowy fairy tale we have. You can only see such beauty in Siberia..’
The vice mayor of Novosibirsk, Anna Tereshkova, did not seem bothered by the fuss however and noted: ‘Real art should arouse people.’
You should see their vagina-shaped swimming pool in the summer.
Cutter of the Week
Wu-Tang-affiliated rapper, who cut off his penis, gets married
Christ Bearer — a Wu-Tang Clan-affiliated rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a second-floor balcony in 2014 — is now a married man.
Bearer, whose real name is Andre Johnson, wed a woman named Cheryl on Dec. 30, TMZ reports.
He told the outlet his penis, which was reattached after the incident, was “fully functional on their wedding night.”
In 2014 during a drug-fueled breakdown, Johnson sliced off his own penis and jumped off the balcony in an apparent suicide attempt in North Hollywood, Calif.
Johnson said a bad combo of depression, weed and literature about monks and vasectomies led to the incident, and at the time he was lonely because of restraining orders that prevented him from seeing his two daughters.
So the incident was a hip-hop chip-chop flip-flop?
Nibbler of the Week
Man’s penis turns black after sex partner accidentally bites it
When a man’s lover accidentally chomped his penis during oral sex, it killed part of his member: A black wound immediately began spreading across the head, a case study published this week in the Visual Journal of Emergency Medicine reports.
“Approximately five days prior, his significant other accidentally bit him on the tip of the penis during sexual intercourse,” says lead study author Marc Zosky, a University of Arizona College of Medicine professor, in a statement. “Since the initial trauma, the patient noted the wound to be worsening in pain and became darker.”
The unnamed 43-year-old patient had no fever and was fine when he drove himself to the emergency room — save the dark mass of rotting tissue spreading across his phallus.
The “necrotic post-traumatic bite wound to the glans” resembled a rotting banana — or a scrawl of black Sharpie marker on the tip of his schlong.
Doctors admitted the man to the hospital, where the urology and infectious disease teams both took a look at his blackening tool and quickly treated him with intravenous antibiotics.
This cultural appropriation thing is getting out of hand.
Ripper of the Week
Man arrested for ripping his boyfriend’s testicles open
A man was arrested Tuesday for allegedly grabbing his boyfriend’s testicles so hard that he was sent to the hospital, and the laceration may require stitches and leave a permanent scar.
Corey Jones is accused of the crime, which caused his boyfriend’s testicles to bleed uncontrollably, according to a probable cause form.
The victim told a responding deputy that he had a bad day at work and had an attitude when speaking to Jones. A verbal altercation ensued, and then the victim locked himself in a bedroom inside the apartment he and Jones have shared for about one month.
The victim said Jones entered the room and charged him, so he pushed Jones. In response, Jones allegedly grabbed the victim’s testicles. The victim tried to push Jones away, and Jones then bit the victim’s hand, causing a small laceration, the victim said.
The physical struggle continued, and the victim’s testicle sac was torn open, leaving a significant laceration, according to the document.
Gay domestic violence is way worse than straight domestic violence.
Whopper of the Week
Conspirators are convinced Burger King’s Impossible Whopper gives men breasts
Burger King’s Impossible Whopper has become a hit for the fast-food franchise, but a conspiracy theory that the meatless burger causes men to grow breasts has become a growing concern online.
Men all over the Internet have sounded the alarm on the plant-based Impossible Whopper’s alleged side effect.
“Healthy young man goes to Burger King, gets pumped with a massive shot of Impossible Whoppers, doesn’t feel good and changes – BREASTS. Many such cases!” one Twitter user posted on Wednesday.
Another person tweeted on Thursday, “Sure, let’s turn our boys into girls fast!!! What a great agenda!”
“Social engineering is not enough apparently these days, so let’s do it with the food that we eat!” another wrote.
Apparently the origin of the concerns stems from a Dec. 20 report by Tri-State Livestock News, which claimed that the Impossible Whopper, supplied by Impossible Foods, contains so much estrogen that it could lead to literal man boobs.
“There are 1 million nanograms (ng) in one milligram (mg). That means an impossible whopper has 18 million times as much estrogen as a regular whopper,” wrote James Stangle, a doctor of veterinary medicine in South Dakota. “Just six glasses of soy milk per day has enough estrogen to grow boobs on a male.”
However, experts have pushed back against the suggestion that plant-based foods, often containing soy estrogens, cause men to grow breasts or have other negative outcomes.
“Asians have been eating soy products for millennia and don’t seem to be any the worse for it. They have among the longest lifespans and best health, at least in classic diets,” said New York University nutrition professor Marion Nestle.
They should call it the “Titillator.”
Gunner of the Week
Burger King employee accused of pulling gun over incorrect order
A Burger King employee reacted aggressively after a customer complained about her order, authorities said.
The worker allegedly yelled and cursed at a customer before pulling out a gun and pointing it at the woman. No injuries were reported, but the worker, Oderrial Moore-Williams, was taken into custody.
The incident occurred around 1 p.m. on New Year’s Day at a Burger King in Memphis, Tenn., Local Memphis reports. The customer had reportedly placed her order at the drive-thru and then entered the restaurant to say that the order was wrong.
Moore-Williams was working behind the counter at the time and reportedly yelled and cursed at the customer, who pretended to go grab something from her car.
A witness told police officers that Moore-Williams pulled out a gun and pointed it at the customer. She was then reportedly seen putting the gun in a paper bag and then handing it to an unidentified individual in the parking lot.
Authorities took her into custody and Moore-Williams has been charged with aggravated assault.
Just take the titty burger and STFU!
Mooner of the Week
Complaint: Man had ‘Freedom’ written across buttocks during exposure incident in Windber
A Windber man is headed back to court after authorities say he exposed himself after being convicted of disorderly conduct in an earlier exposure incident.
According to a criminal complaint, 30-year-old Robert Goas was at a summary hearing in Windber Aug. 30 where a district judge found him guilty of disorderly conduct. Authorities say Goas had exposed his buttocks to a woman on 15th Street.
Following the hearing, Windber police say Goas and his wife started yelling at the victim and the officer escorting her out of the courtroom. Goas and his wife were told several times to stop yelling and go home, according to the complaint.
Police say Goas and his wife continued to yell as they were being escorted out of the office. They continued to cause a disturbance once outside the building and claimed that their First Amendment rights were violated, the complaint states.
About half an hour following the hearing, police say they received a call about a man who was walking along Somerset Avenue with his pants pulled below his buttocks and something written or tattooed on his buttocks. The caller said a woman and child were with him, according to the complaint.
Police say they responded to the area and saw Goas standing on his front porch with his buttocks to traffic on Somerset Avenue. Police say they could see something written or tattooed on his buttocks that included the word “freedom.”
Police say Goas’ wife saw police and the couple went inside their home. Police say they notified them that further charges would be filed.
Assholes are protected by the 1st Amendment.
Dumper of the Week
Wisconsin teacher admits to defecating in park for 2 years
A high school English teacher admits to repeatedly defecating in a public park. FOX6 News was there — as the same man returned to Whitewater to the same park.
FOX6 News found Jeffrey Churchwell preparing to leave Natureland Park in Whitewater, Thursday.
The longtime Milton School District teacher had nothing to say about the disturbing and disgusting behavior he’s accused of — requesting privacy before getting into his car and driving away.
Natureland Park is the same park he’s accused of defecating in for more than two years. The Walworth County Public Works Department had to sometimes clean up his mess five days a week — multiple times a day.
“It required us to go out there and check on things daily,” says Richard Hough, the Walworth County public works director. “It was taking up precious time and resources to go and clean up unnecessary human waste.”
The feces was found in the open. The problem got so bad, the department installed a trail camera to catch the culprit — eventually gathering images of Churchwell and his car.
“That gave us enough information that we shared it with the Sheriff’s Department,” Hough says.
When confronted by authorities, Churchwell reportedly said he did it for convenience and to be disrespectful.
Authorities say Churchwell agreed to pay a fine of over $6,000.
Apparently he’s a big fan of the Green Bay Fudge Packers.
Cracker of the Week
Retail Worker Pays Women $100 A Go To Give Him Wedgies
A man who has been paying women to give him wedgies for around five years estimates that he’s gone through between 110 to 140 pairs of underwear. He said: “Sometimes I will climax as it’s happening. Other times it’s not until later, I’ll be thinking about it and I will probably masturbate to it.”
Zach, a 28-year-old retail worker from Virginia, US, believes he’s spent around $1,400-$1,500 (£1,070-£1,150) over the years, but insists he tries to space them out because he doesn’t want to ‘do any damage’.
Zach says the fetish ‘unfortunately turns him on’, as he explained to LADbible: “I know there’s way worse in the world but I also can’t say that I love the fact I enjoy having a woman shove my underwear up my ass and ripping my underwear off.”
“It’s kind of like a weird thing and I’d rather have a partner don’t get me wrong, but I just have really bad luck with women so I don’t know how I’d be able to have that discussion with a future partner.”
Zach the Ripper?
Sucker of the Week
Florida man wakes to find burglar sucking his toes, deputies say
A Florida man woke up on Christmas Eve to find a burglar sucking on his toes, according to the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office.
When the Bradenton resident asked the stranger what he was doing in his house, the stranger said he “was there to suck toes,” according to an incident report obtained by the Bradenton Herald.
A fight broke out and during the struggle the suspect tried to grab the victim’s genitals and claimed to have a gun, the report says. Deputies said no weapon was found at the scene.
The victim eventually forced the other man out of the house, but deputies say the suspect smashed one of the home’s windows as well as the windshield of the resident’s car.
The Herald reports that investigators swabbed the victim’s toes for DNA and tried to track the suspect with a police dog, but the alleged toe-sucking burglar escaped.
Is Joe Biden campaigning in Florida?
Beater of the Week
Man Arrested For Watching Porn and Masturbating at Applebee’s
It looks like this Georgia man enjoyed Applebee’s $1 margaritas a little bit too much. Thomasville Police Department arrested Timothy Dugan after he was caught by employees watching porn on his cellphone and touching himself. You know, just a regular Thursday night in Georgia.
Authorities respond to the incident after customers and employees, some of whom were under 18, reported witnessing the man fondling himself out in the open. Employees had reportedly forced Dugan to leave before police responded, but he was found hiding in a bush near the chain restaurant.
Police officers quickly caught him and arrested him on the site. Dugan is being charged with indecent exposure and child molestation. He is being held without bond at a county jail.
Beatin’ good in the neighborhood.
Thrower of the Week
Underage Michigan men arrested after drunken horse-and-buggy ride
Michigan deputies nabbed four underage suspected drunken drivers after they were spotted throwing beer cans from their horse-and-buggy.
The Gladwin County Sheriff’s Office said in a Facebook post that it received a complaint from a motorist around 4 p.m. Sunday that four men were riding on a buggy through Beaverton Township and they seemed to be intoxicated.
The four men were tossing beer cans from the horse and buggy, the driver said.
According to the sheriff’s office, when deputies found the buggy, the four were identified by the motorist. Initially, they gave deputies false information about their ages and refused to give their names.
However, after further investigation, the four were identified as Levei Mast, 20; Andrew Zook, 19; Joseph Miller, 20; and Joseph Troyer, 19, all from Gladwin County.
Inside the buggy, deputies found several open and unopened containers of alcohol. Police determined the four were under the influence of alcohol.
They may also be under the influence of inbreeding. Are those even human faces?
Blower of the Week
Driver who blew a .25 said she wasn’t impaired, ‘is a professional drinker’
An Omaha police officer shared a story of a DUI driver on Twitter Thursday.
KETV reports officer Jeremy Zipay tweeted that a woman who blew a .256 on the breathalyzer said she “had very little to drink,” and “was not impaired because she is a professional drinker.”
She was arrested for DUI and speeding after the traffic stop.
Drinking is a profession? Who do I send my resumé to?
WTF? of the Week
A man who had a ‘third testicle’ hanging between his legs has finally gotten his confidence back after having Dr. Pimple Popper remove the three-pound fatty lump that has been plaguing him for a year.
Ravon, 26, from Clarksville, Tennessee, met with the famous dermatologist, whose real name is Sandra Lee, on Thursday night’s episode of her TLC reality series, and even she was a bit shocked by the bizarre growth.
‘My initial reaction with Ravon is, wow,’ Dr. Lee told the camera. When somebody tells me that they have a growth on their leg, this is not what I’m expecting. It really took me aback initially. I thought I was looking at the wrong thing. He definitely has something here that is unique.’
The father of one was eager to get rid of the lump, which had zapped his self-confidence and negatively affected everything his sexual relationship with his girlfriend to how he went to the bathroom.
‘It’s like a third testicle, and it’s just there hanging,’ Ravon said. ‘It started about a year ago and it was about the size of a bouncy ball that you get out of one of those machines.
‘When I first seen it I didn’t think of it as anything big — I just thought it was an ingrown hair,’ he admitted. ‘Then over the course of about six months to now, it’s got to the size of a tennis ball.’
Not only was the growth unsightly, but it caused him pain and rubbed against his leg.
‘When I go to use the bathroom I have to lift up my leg. I can’t really sit on it,’ he explained. ‘When I sit down it instantly drops into the toilet.
‘I’m not saying it hits the water or anything like that, but it’s hanging there,’ he added. ‘So you’ve already got two genitals there, just imagine another large mass hanging off your leg. It’s just nasty.’
Ravon assured Dr. Lee that it was its own separate entity, and she asked if she could touch it.
‘That thing is pretty darn wobbly, huh?’ she said.
I was going to say “that’s nuts” but it really isn’t
