After a month of sitting on the articles of impeachment, Pelosi and the democrats finally transmitted them to the Senate for President Trump’s inevitable acquittal. Here’s some other WTF? stuff that should have never happened but was bound to eventually:
Headline of the Week
Anus, Ahtisham, Fardeen shine in U-18 National Jr Snooker
Syed Anus Zafar, Ahtisham Asghar and Fardeen emerged as winners on the second day of the 5th Jubilee Insurance Under-18 National Junior Snooker Championship 2020 here at Pakistan Sports Complex on Saturday.
Sindh’s Anus beat Syed Bilal Shah (Balochistan) 3-0 with the scores of 53-17, 56-21…
Luckily there were no pictures with this article.
Sock Puppet of the Week
A Thai man’s penis began to decay after he got it jammed in a metal pipe for five days and only sought medical attention after the pain became unbearable.
The 21-year-old placed his penis in a sock and then put it into a metal cylinder and had sex with it last week.
After climax, the tip had swollen so much the blood couldn’t flow back – and he was stuck inside the make-shift sex toy.
He wandered around his house for five days in extreme pain while trying a variety of lubricants to free himself from the jam.
The unidentified man eventually dragged himself to hospital in Bangkok, Thailand, and explained the situation to doctors on Sunday night.
He told medics that he had used the industrial equipment to masturbate twice before, but this time after ‘experimenting with a sock’ he climaxed and could not remove himself.
He had endured the pain for five days – with his penis rotting inside the contraption – before he summoned up the strength to call for help. Volunteer rescue workers then took him to the hospital.
Paramedic Akachai Buapathum said they spent three hours cutting the metal from the man’s penis – but wasted 25 blades slicing through it. Akachai said: ‘When I first saw his penis it was already swollen.
Doctor Sitra Likisakul said the man could have lost his penis as the skin had rotted so badly the tissue inside was visible.
He said: ‘It’s very dangerous to have the penis in this situation for three hours, let alone five days.
‘The penis was stuck because when it was erect in the bolt, the cavities filled with blood. But afterwards the blood couldn’t return and stayed in the glands at the top of the penis. The organ then began rotting.’
‘Being stuck like this for just three hours could cause someone to lose their penis but this man was stuck for five days. I am still shocked that he survived.’
In Thailand prostitutes are cheaper than pipes or socks. Just sayin’.
Nut of the Week
Man hospitalized after wife puts ‘chastity nut’ on his penis while he slept
A Ukraine man awoke to find that his wife had placed a metal “chastity” nut on his penis while he slept to stop him from having affairs, requiring him to get it removed with a saw.
The unnamed man, who is in his 40s, first knew something was awry when he awoke in pain and spied the improvised abstinence device constricting his member, causing it to swell…The metal nut had been placed there by his wife after she found out he allegedly had a habit of sleeping around.
The man was taken to a hospital in the southern city of Zaporizhia, but it didn’t possess the proper tools to deal with his condition. They enlisted a local “Cobra” rescue crew to cut the choker off the anesthetized patient with a bandsaw, as seen in a shocking video by the Ukraine news service NTN TV. The not-so-delicate procedure got so intense that it caused sparks to fly, forcing the specialist surgeons to pour water on the patient’s groin to cool him down.
Fortunately, the operation was a success. Rescuer Eduard Nekhoroshev said that they “saved the man’s penis,” and he is recovering in the hospital…
The unfaithful husband is expected to regain full function of his organ, but he is also thinking of getting a divorce.
That’s weird. Sparks usually fly to start a relationship, not end it.
Balls of the Week
The Rock Jokes about Making a Candle That Smells like His Balls
You may remember reading about the candle Gwenyth Paltrow recently launched. The £57 candle, called This Smells Like My Vagina, sold out immediately online.
Well, if an internet joke transpires, the actress-turned-wellness guru may not have the monopoly over genital-scented candles for much longer.
Comedian Adam Ray took to Instagram urging The Yankee Candle Company to tap into this new style of fragrance – by selling candles that smell of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s balls.
“It was only a matter of time until normal scented candles would be out of style,” Ray wrote. “Your move Yankee Candle Co. Time to get @therock to sell candles that smell like his balls. Price is Right ONE DOLLAR her, and sell them for $74.”
The Rock was down with his suggestion. “Brother I tried to make those candles but I kept burning my balls,” he joked in response. “So I moved on to shampoo #scentofsac”.
In a story about The Rock’s balls, a candle that smells like Gwenyth Paltrow’s vag is the grossest thing.
Dick Hate of the Week
Adolf Hitler had ‘tiny penis’, injected animal testosterone and whipped dog to impress lover
Nazi crackpot Adolf Hitler had bovine testosterone injections to improve his sex life and got off on whipping his prized Alsatian in front of women.
And the famous World War Two song ‘Hitler has only got one ball’ is also based in fact as the dark secrets of the crazed dictator’s deformed genitals are revealed.
The despot is said to have suffered from a disease that causes small penises – as well as ‘undescended testicle’ which was documented in his army days.
Historian Emma Craigie – author of Hitler’s Last Day: Minute by Minute – told History Hit podcast: “It seems likely that Hitler had genital abnormalities. Historians have been through medical records and tried to make sense of them.
Craigie also claims Hitler and his mistress used medication to support their sex life with Austrian having injections of bovine testosterone – said be be ‘old-fashioned viagra’ – to boost his sexual prowess.
Long-time mistress Braun also suppressed her periods when they were together – suggesting the pair were sexually active and he wasn’t ‘asexual’ as previously claimed.
“They both had Alsatian dogs and he horse-whipped his, called Prince, in front of her to impress her.
It’s thought that Hitler suffered from a condition called hypospadias – a congenital condition in men where the opening of the urethra is on the underside of the penis.
The condition has been linked to sufferers having such a small penis it’s unclear at birth which sex they are.
Thankfully Hitler is back to being “worse than Hitler.”
Dick Plate of the Week
Well, friends. This is what came in the mail. I’m gonna need something else, please. pic.twitter.com/42TjTrTh2j
— Lynsey Mukomel (@lynseymukomel) January 17, 2020
The best part is, the woman who got a “Dick 24/7” license plate is a reporter for WOOD.TV.
Brush With Death of the Week
A 12-year-old boy accidentally slipped while taking a bath and got a toilet brush lodged up his anus in a freak accident that happened on 22nd May 2019.
According China Press, the boy from Nantong City, Jiangsu Province in China was taking a bath when he slipped and fell onto a toilet brush which so happens was placed standing against the bathroom wall. The toilet brush handle pierced up his anus causing severe injuries.
Not only that, the 10cm long handle, had also ruptured the boy’s small intestines, causing his faeces to spill into his abdominal cavity. This immediately caused abdominal infections and other symptoms like abdominal pain, frequent vomiting, high fever and even septic shock.
The boy was immediately brought for surgery where surgeons performed a laparoscopy – an operation performed in the abdomen or pelvis using small incisions with the aid of a camera – and found the situation to be more serious than they had thought.
The abdominal and pelvic area was filled with so much faeces that the surgeon could not find the hole that the toilet brush had pierced. However, the surgeon still managed to clear the faeces and located the hole in the upper part of the rectum.
In order to avoid further infection, the doctors had to do a Colostomy, which requires the boy to temporarily defecate through his abdominal wall into an external bag.
For many months, the boy slowly recovered and was discharged in January 2020. In four months time, the boy will undergo another operation so that he can defecate normally again.
Yeah, it was totally an “accident.”
Sting of the Week
Charlie Hunnam stung by wasp in ‘no man’s land between anus and scrotum’
Charlie Hunnam was camping in the woods last year when he went out to collect wood for the fire, only to stumble upon a wasp nest, with the insects inside turning angry when he accidentally kicked over their home.
He recalled: “A very strange thing happened to me when I went camping. I went out looking for firewood one day, and it was the end of the season and it was kind of picked dry, so I was pretty far from my camp.
“I saw three trees fallen into a triangle, and in between those trees were the motherload of firewood. So I said ‘Alright, here we go’, and I got up and I was crouched down picking up firewood, and all of a sudden, wham! Like a snake bite in the perineum.”
After explaining that the perineum is the “sweet piece of no man’s land between the anus and the scrotum”, the star went on to reveal that the sensation wasn’t caused by a snake, but instead a swarm of “yellow jackets”, which is another name for wasps.
He continued: “I looked down and there was no snake, so I was trying to process what could have happened, and bam! Another shrill pain in my a** cheek, then one in the back of my head, and then one under my armpit. And I realised I was under siege from yellow jackets. I’d kicked over a nest of yellow jackets, and as I was processing this angry swarm coming at me, I got stung about another 10 times.”
Charlie ran from the wasps, but when he stopped for breath he was stung again as the wasps had chased him down.
He then decided to shed his clothes and continue running, in an attempt to get the insects to leave him alone.
What better way to protect yourself from stinging insects than by stripping? Also, it’s called a “taint” but “gooch” is acceptable as well.
Jimi of the Week
Purple haze floats over Arizona pot farm
It was all just a trick of the light … or was it?
A purple haze was hanging over none other than a legal marijuana growing operation in Snowflake, Arizona…
Copperstate Farms uses UV lights to grow medical marijuana…
The light, combined with snow clouds, created the psychedelic show like something you’d expect from Woodstock.
The light show didn’t please everyone. While some thought it was pretty, others complained that it was light pollution…
Which lead directly to:
Munchies of the Week
Wisconsin man busted for selling weed told cops he ‘ingested’ his mom’s ashes
A Wisconsin man busted for selling weed and possessing other drugs told police he ingested his dead mother’s ashes, a report said Thursday.
Austin Schroeder, 26, allegedly sold drugs to undercover cops a number of times from November 2019 to January 2020 in Waukesha County, west of Milwaukee…
A drug task force executed a search warrant for his apartment on Jan. 10 and found glass pipes, MDMA, bongs and an “unknown powder,” according to the report.
Officers also found a large amount of gold and platinum stashed in a safe in the apartment.
When cops questioned Schroeder about the powder, he told investigators his mother had died in 2019 and she was cremated.
He told cops he mixed his mother’s ashes with a variety of substances, “some of which he ultimately ingested,” according to the report.
A tube of raw cookie dough is good too.
Ash Hole of the Week
Taal Volcano Eruption: Duterte Says He’ll Eat Poisonous Ash, Pee On ‘Goddamn’ Volcano
Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte, assailed by the world for human rights abuses, launched into a rant Monday, boasting he’ll eat poisonous volcanic ash spewed by the Taal Volcano that erupted Sunday.
The man accused by international human rights groups of launching an anti-drug campaign that’s seen the killing of more than 20,000 suspects at the hands of Philippine police also said he’d pee on the “goddamned” volcano, probably to make it stop erupting.
Duterte said he’d fly over Batangas province (site of Taal Volcano) in a helicopter Tuesday because he can’t risk personally visiting any area affected by the volcanic eruption. He said his doctor told him not to visit these calamity areas on foot. These places are now covered in a thick layer of volcanic ash, which are infused with bits of glass that can pose serious health hazards when inhaled for some time.
“I’ve been warned by my doctor to be careful because this device cannot control the ashes. After many years of smoking, my lungs are affected,” said Duterte pointing to an inhaler around his neck…
Duterte took the moment during his talk with reporters to make light of the dire situation with a stunning and puerile boast.
“I’m going to eat that ashfall. I’m even going to pee on Taal, that goddamned volcano,” Duterte said in Filipino.
Dude is literally trying to piss off the volcano god.
Casa de Peepee of the Week
Mexico City subway says pee causes escalator breakdowns
Travelers on the Mexico City subway system often blame authorities for broken-down escalators at subway stops, but Metro officials have another explanation: vast amounts of pee.
Somehow, urine is penetrating and corroding the drive wheels and mechanisms of the escalators that carry riders up from underground stations.
In a list published Tuesday, the Metro system listed “corrosion due to urine” as one of the top five causes of escalator breakdowns.
Fermin Ramirez, the system’s assistant manager for rails and facilities, said riders appear to be urinating on escalators at off-peak hours and lightly used stations, “even though it seems hard to believe.”
“When we open up escalators for maintenance, there is always urine,” Ramirez said. Most stations have no public bathroom facilities…there are not even any pay toilets.
The whole country is a toilet. The welcome sign reads: Urine Mexico Now
Nutty Buddy of the Week
Bloodthirsty Squirrel Leaves 2 Hospitalized, Neighbors Hiding Out During Daytime
An unruly squirrel is defying Disney stereotypes by terrorizing one Houston neighborhood, according to KPRC-TV.
“We usually don’t go outside in the daytime because he comes out in the daytime,” Sharlene French-Amezquita told the TV station.
The feral animal who’s anything but friendly has even attacked two people, leaving them bloodied, bruised and in need of stitches.
“When I stepped outside the door he leaped on me and bit my arm, I pulled him off, threw him to the ground, and tried to get in the house,” said French-Amezquita. “I couldn’t get in the house because he came back, he bit this leg.”
She has the stitches and bite marks to prove it. The squirrel also attacked Katie Herrera who lives in the Bridgeland Shores neighborhood.
“It’s scary,” Herrera said. “I’m just very grateful that it actually attacked me and not my children.”
I thought it was going to be zombies, robots, or aliens that destroyed humanity. Nope. Squirrels.
WTF? of the Week
THE WORLD’s first transgender doll has gone on sale in a Russian toy shop.
Pics of the doll – which features a penis and dress – have gone viral after being spotted in Planeta Igrushek (Planet Of Toys) shop in the city of Novosibirsk, Siberia.
The images, posted online, show a doll with long blonde hair and female facial features.
And underneath a red and yellow polka dot dress, there appears to be male genitalia.
The doll is the first of its kind spotted in Russia – and thought to be among the first child transgender dolls in the world.
The images attracted opinion on social media, with one writing: “Is it ok to produce toys like that for children?”
Another said: “All they have to do is buy a medical tool kit and the kid can learn how to amputate.”
But some people were unimpressed by the forward thinking toy.
Forward thinking toy? It’s a Chelsea Manning action figure!
