The biggest WTF? this week wasn’t that the democrats’ nonexistent impeachment case against President Trump crashed and burned but rather that they acted shocked about it. Here’s some other stuff that also seems really dumb:
Headline of the Week
Cops: Man Agreed To Swap Burger For Sex
A New Mexico man arrested in a prostitution sting agreed to give an undercover cop a Chili’s hamburger in return for sex, according to a criminal complaint.
Police say that Dominic Calderon, a 36-year-old registered sex offender, was collared Tuesday night after riding his bicycle up to the female officer, who was standing on an Albuquerque sidewalk.
After Calderon and the cop agreed on $80 as the price for a sexual encounter, Calderon asked the undercover cop for her phone number, explaining that he “did not get paid until Friday.”
Noticing that Calderon was carrying a bag of food from Chili’s, the vice cop asked what was inside. Calderon replied that it was a hamburger, prompting the undercover to propose a barter deal. “I told Dominic that my fee could be the burger,” the cop reported.
When Calderon agreed to the swap, he was arrested for patronizing prostitutes, police report. While the complaint notes that, post-arrest, “Dominic’s items were tagged into evidence,” it is unclear whether the burger itself is now in a police storage locker.
I could see trading a hotdog for a taco, but this is ridiculous.
Thai Fighter of the Week
Intense Sex With Thai Prostitute Reportedly Leaves Tourist With Torn Penis
A British man ended up writhing in pain and spraying blood all over the bed of a hotel room in Pattaya, Thailand after apparently displaying too much enthusiasm during a romp with a local sex worker, the Daily Star reports.
According to the newspaper, a team of paramedics rushed to the hotel “amid fears there had been a murder or attack” after the unfortunate tourist dialled the emergency services while “yelling incoherently down the phone”.
“I picked up the phone and heard he was screaming so loudly. I only understood that he wanted us to go there as soon as we could,” one of the rescue volunteers, Khun Tumrin, said as quoted by the newspaper. “When I entered the room and saw the bed sheet, I first thought there had been a stabbing”.
Upon the volunteers’ arrival, the tourist, who was already dressed in shorts by that time, explained to them that he was having such intense sex with a Thai prostitute (who was also present in the room when the team got there) that his frenulum – a piece of tissue that connects the foreskin to the tip of the penis – got ripped, and that all the blood on the bed sheets came as a result of this minor injury.
He had a ripping good time.
Reach Around of the Week
Cops Grab Alleged ‘Penis Man’ Graffiti Artist in Arizona
The graffiti artist dubbed “Penis Man” could be facing hard time after a SWAT team took him down in Phoenix … potentially ending a looooong string of vandalism. Yes, crime size matters.
Cops in Tempe, AZ say 38-year-old Dustin Shomer is behind the “Penis Man” spree — the words have been tagged all over Arizona State dorms, local businesses, municipal buildings and even the famous “A” landmark above the campus … dating back to November.
Shomer was arrested last weekend, and charged with 16 counts of aggravated criminal damage, 8 counts of criminal damage and 1 count of criminal trespass in the first degree.
The suspect says he was taken in a pretty ballsy raid — 25 heavily armed SWAT officers swarming his apartment complex before arresting him at gunpoint.
However, the alleged “Penis Man” says he’s getting the shaft … because he claims he’s just a copycat, and the REAL “Penis Man” is still at large.
He told the Phoenix New Times, “I’m not the original. There are hundreds of copycats with very distinctively different handwriting.”
Translation: Cops grabbed the wrong penis, man.
They needed a SWAT team to arrest a vandal?
Nut of the Week
Harvey Weinstein accuser testifies that Hollywood producer ’does not have testicles’
A Harvey Weinstein accuser testified in court that the disgraced Hollywood producer “does not have testicles.”
Jessica Mann, one of Weinstein’s accusers, testified in a Manhattan courtroom on Friday, alleging that Weinstein, 67, raped her in 2013.
“The first time I saw him fully naked, I thought he was deformed and intersex,” she said in her testimony, according to a Vulture report. “He has an extreme scarring that I didn’t know, maybe [he] was a burn victim.”
“He does not have testicles, and it appears that he has a vagina,” Mann, 34, added to the court’s record. Mann also said that Weinstein forced her to perform oral sex on him. Mann accused him of urinating on her.
With no nuts, Harvey literally is worse than Hitler.
Ass of the Week
A dispute with his baby’s mother leads to a fatal gunshot to the buttocks
Hartford’s first homicide of the New Year was the result of a dispute between Kwadir Paris and his baby’s mother, who then got an acquaintance they met on the street to confront Paris about getting her belongings back, according to an arrest warrant.
The result was Paris suffering a gunshot wound to his buttocks with a .22-caliber bullet, which apparently bounced around inside his body, causing fatal injuries.
On Sunday, Hartford police charged Yamil Rohena, 24, with murder, criminal possession of a firearm and criminal use of a firearm. Rohena was arraigned Monday in Superior Court in Hartford and ordered held in lieu of $1 million bail.
The shooting occurred about 1:30 a.m. Jan. 4 in front of 42 Martin St. in Hartford. Police got a ShotSpotter activation and moments later found a car crashed into a utility pole at Albany Avenue and Vine Street. Inside they found Paris. His mother, Keela Fuller, was trying to drive him to St. Francis and Medical Center when she lost control of the car and crashed. An ambulance took Paris the rest of the way to the hospital, where he died less than an hour later.
Paris had a falling out with his former girlfriend and the mother of his child, Tashaya Jenkins, according to the warrant. She had some items still at Paris’ house and wanted to retrieve them, but Paris and his sister prevented her from doing so, she told police.
A man who she described as her cousin, but whose last name she did not know, returned to Paris home with her to retrieve her items, according to the warrant. She and her cousin were told to leave. They returned a short time later with the man police later identified as Rohena. While on the porch speaking to Paris’ sister, Paris drove into the driveway. There was a confrontation and Rohena shot Paris, according to the warrant.
He’s an ass-assin.
Iron Man of the Week
Buttocks ironing robber jailed 12 years
Brezhnev Maposa (38) was convicted of robbery by Bulawayo regional magistrate Mr Joseph Mabeza. He will serve an effective 10 years in jail after two years were suspended for five years on condition that he does not within that period commit a similar offence.
Maposa, who is linked to several pending cases of armed robbery that include robbing a Midlands miner of gold worth US$33 500 and US$6 000 cash, connived with four other suspects who are still at large and descended on two houses in Tshabalala suburb at night.
The armed robbers plugged electric irons and burnt them on the buttocks before robbing them of their money and property.
You’ve been hit by a smooth criminal.
Sweepstakes of the Week
Cops looking for 3 suspects accused in Brooklyn broomstick-sodomy attack
Three suspects accused of taking part in a December gang beatdown of a 59-year-old homeless man on a Brooklyn street in which the victim was sodomized with a broomstick and robbed of $100 are still on the loose, authorities said Wednesday.
The total of six suspects allegedly jumped the victim, who they knew from their East New York neighborhood, just before midnight on Dec. 23 near the intersection of Pennsylvania and Flatlands, court documents state.
The assailants stomped on the victim and two or more of them ripped off his clothes, according to court papers. Then one announced he would “stick the broom in his a–,” the victim told police.
The attack was so vicious that the victim suffered a torn rectum, perforated bowels and broken ribs, police said. Following the assault, police found the victim lying naked and bleeding on a sidewalk next to a bloody broomstick.
The victim is clinging to life — his injuries required surgery and he was placed under a medically induced coma. He needs a ventilator to breathe and is still in the intensive care unit at Brookdale Hospital.
What was homeless guy doing with $100?
Flamer of the Week
‘I am created from fire:’ Teacher accused of molesting students pens bizarre letter
A former Osceola County substitute teacher accused of inappropriately touching several students recently sent an unusual letter to the judge overseeing his case.
Syed Asher sent the one-page letter earlier this month from the Osceola County Jail, where he is being held.
In the letter, Asher claims he is “immortal” and was “created from fire.” He also states that he was created to “steal the souls of innocent people.”
Asher was arrested last year after nearly a dozen students at various elementary schools in Osceola County accused him of molestation.
At first I thought this guy was accused of molesting students’ pens. Somehow this is crazier.
Skinhead of the Week
‘I want my foreskin back:’ Anti-circumcision protesters stage at Florida intersection
A group of activists wearing clothes with red splotches in the crotch area protested circumcision at the corner of a Florida intersection, according to the Bradenton Herald.
The Bloodstained Men staged Monday with signs that read “Circumcision is sexual mutilation” and “I want my foreskin back,” among others.
According to the Herald, the group advocates for a male’s right to decide whether he has his foreskin removed.
“It should be your choice how much of your penis you get to keep. Nobody should be tampering with the genitals of children,” a spokesman for Bloodstained Men told the newspaper.
Move on, boys. There are some things you can’t get back.
Spunk of the Week
Jury awards $400,000 over the loss of frozen dog semen from prized Labradors
A jury has awarded $400,000 to two Oregon dog breeders who sued the International Canine Semen Bank alleging that it mistakenly destroyed frozen dog sperm from the 1990s that could have produced hundreds of coveted, cream-of-the-crop Labrador retriever puppies.
Dick Weiner and Brad Barcroft claimed the Sandy-area sperm bank negligently allowed the sperm of six prized, long-dead Labradors to thaw and become useless after a freezer mishap in 1997. Weiner and Barcroft alleged the sperm bank then hid its mistake for nearly two decades until a former employee of the company shared the news with them in 2016.
“But it is what it is,” Weiner said, over his losses. “And there’s not much I can do about it.”
A guy named Dick Weiner can’t do anything about lost sperm?
Lick of the Wick
Detroit woman accused of biting off part of friend’s tongue while kissing
A Detroit woman is facing an assault charge after Macomb County authorities say she bit off the tip of her friend’s tongue when they were kissing.
They say she bit off about a 1-inch piece of the Center Line man’s tongue.
Youlette Wedgeworth, 52, is being held in the county jail after Smith’s office charged her Wednesday with one count of aggravated assault, a one-year misdemeanor.
Authorities allege that she was visiting her 68-year-old friend at his apartment in Center Line on Tuesday. They were engaging in consensual kissing, and she bit off the tip of the man’s tongue…
The two started to kiss in the victim’s apartment, and the victim put his tongue in the suspect’s mouth, Miller said. He said the suspect told the victim not to do that and the two started kissing again, and the suspect bit off part of the man’s tongue.
Police arrived and found the man bleeding from his mouth and missing a piece of his tongue, measuring about about 1 inch, the release stated.
It stated that police were able to recover the piece of tongue in the bedroom of the man’s apartment.
Derek Miller, chief of operations for the Prosecutor’s Office, said the victim and the suspect were old friends.
It’s only “friends with benefits” if there are benefits.
Buzz of the Week
Arizona woman gets emergency surgery after vibrator gets stuck in her bladder
An Arizona woman is recovering from surgery after getting a sex toy stuck in her bladder. It’s a case that stunned emergency room doctors and an OBGYN, and that woman spoke out to Arizona’s Family warning others about the product she used.
She’s asked we keep her name anonymous. Her pleasure turned to pain in an instant. “Every time it went off it was like my entire abdomen was vibrating,” the Mesa woman said.
She was talking about her new Vesper Vibrator Necklace by the company Crave. She wore the sex toy around her neck out to dinner with her boyfriend, then used it with him when they got home earlier this month. She was only using it on the outside of her body as intended.
“I moved and out of nowhere I just felt a really sharp pain,” she said. The vibrator was nowhere to be found. “Where is it? And he like…didn’t know,” she said, about the moment she and her boyfriend knew something was wrong.
But…she could still feel it. “First reaction was panic because I had just lost something inside of me that was still going off,” she said.
“Still vibrating?” asked reporter Briana Whitney. “Yes, still vibrating,” the woman confirmed. With the device still on, she went to the emergency room, where several doctors did pelvic exams, but with no success.
“The emergency room staff wasn’t able to find it in the vagina,” said OBGYN Dr. Greg Marchand. The emergency room staff called in Dr. Marchand to take a look, and he was shocked by what he found on the x-ray and inside her body.
The woman plans on filing a lawsuit against the company for lack of warning on the label that this could happen even during normal use. She said the small and narrow design is dangerous, especially with a detachable chain. After her horrific vibrator experience, she said she’ll be taking it down a notch.
If she takes the sex toys down a notch from her vag, she’ll end up with things stuck in her ass.
WTF? of the Week
A Playboy bunny who was looking to take her massive breasts from an H-cup to a B-cup has turned down surgery after learning she would have to go six months without implants, insisting she was far too busy to take time off from modeling.
Nannette Hammond, 45, from Edgewood, Kentucky, has spent over $1 million dollars to look like Barbie, but she had grown unhappy with her massive breasts, which weighed her down and had loose skin that puckered between them.
‘I’m looking to downsize some of my accessories — and yes, I’m talking about my boobs,’ the mother of six explained…’They’re so heavy and so big and I have loose skin in the middle’
‘If I had to guess, I’ve probably spent over a million dollars to look like Miss Barbie. And it’s freaking expensive, but it’s well worth it. And you know what, I deserve it,’ she told the camera.
‘Like, I’m not trying to be conceited, but in my 40s, I was Playmate for the Year 2018 for Playboy Slovakia,’ she noted.
Nannette said she wanted to reduce the size of her implants to a ‘”B” for Barbie’ because she didn’t like the way they looked anymore.
‘I started noticing my skin changing, like a little loose skin there, and it bothers me,’ she explained. ‘I think it would be smoother and everything if I downsized these tatas.’
The doctors were thrilled to hear that the model was willing to downsize her breast implants, but it would still be a difficult procedure.
In the examining room, Dr. Dubrow explained that she has symmastia, a condition where her breast implants share a pocket, noting that some people call it ‘uniboob.’
Nannette actually does have a very significant symmastia, which is an incredibly difficult problem to fix, and most plastic surgeons don’t have experience in doing that,’ he said in his confessional. ‘With time, predictably, this problem is only going to get worse.’
‘You need a procedure called a capsulorrhaphy, which is one in which you reduce the pocket and create walls preventing the implant from going to the other side,’ he told her.
Dr. Dubrow warned that the skin would be really ‘loose’ once her implants were reduced, and the lack of blood supply could cause her skin turn black and die.
So it’s a choice between a uniboob or saggy dead black boobs? She is just like Barbie.
