Democrats have tried to weaponize the coronavirus against President Trump and are hoping for a pandemic to do what they couldn’t with their impeachment/coup attempt. That’s not all that WTF? as they are horrible people but what is a little curious is they have finally given up on the Russian collusion thing. Here’s some other surprising things that happened this week:
Headline of the Week
‘Puppetry of the Penis’ star injures testicles with corkscrew during show
An Aussie “Puppetry of the Penis” performer severely injured his testicles in a freak corkscrew accident at the Adelaide Fringe Festival on Wednesday night.
David Friend, a co-founder of the comedy group that puts on genital origami shows around the world to gawking audiences, was performing his signature trick, “The Bulldog,” when he plopped down on a woman’s lap.
He couldn’t have picked a worse accomplice, though. Friend sat directly on a corkscrew in the woman’s pocket, a souvenir from her trip to a winery earlier that day. Friend’s testicles “turned a deep shade of purple” and he was advised to give his act a rest for the coming week…
Along with fellow comedian Simon Morley, the duo have been on the comedy festival, theater and late-night circuits since 1998, although this latest setback surely hit the seasoned performers below the belt.
Comedian Michael Dwyer, who has performed the shocking show in the past, will sub for Friend while he tends to his testes.
The R-rated comedians have performed for Hugh Grant, Naomi Campbell, Elton John and U2 frontman Bono…contorting their junk into various inanimate objects and goofy characters. On a “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” appearance in 2002, Morley insisted the show “was completely non-sexual” and is merely “a party trick gone way too far.”
That’s both screwy and nuts. They also opened for Metallica on their Masturbator of Puppets tour.
Breakdancer of the Week
Bloke ‘broke his d*ck’ in sex club after being given penis boosting injection
A bloke “broke his d*ck” in a sex club after being injected with a viagra-style drug and an “enhancement” injection.
Danny Polaris had to spend three weeks in hospital after a night out in Berlin with a painful erection.
Reliving his ordeal to VICE, he explained how it “broke his d*ck” in the documentary The Viagra Epidemic Among Men And Its Dangers.
Speaking from his hospital bed, Danny said: “Right now I just feel a bit rubbish so that is great compared to the agonising pain I was going through.”
He said he was at a men-only fetish party called Lab.
Danny explained: “I take virago because its hard for me to get an erection when I am drinking due to my anxiety medication.
“Anyway, I am at the party, I meet a man, I took him home – turns out he was quite into giving people erection enhancing injection.”
Danny said it was the “worst decision of my life” and he quickly realised a few days later “something was very wrong”.
“The level of pain was just getting worse and worse,” he explained.
“I was screaming in an ambulance. I could barely walk and then the procedures themselves would sound like they were medieval torture.
“Needles of different lengths inserted into my penis.”
And now the call him “needle dick.” Speaking of which…
Limerick of the Week
Semen found in syringes related to Churchton grocery store attack
Syringes recovered from a Churchton man who allegedly poked a woman with a syringe in a grocery store contained semen, Anne Arundel County police announced Friday.
Thomas Byron Stemen, 51, has been charged with three counts of first- and second-degree assault and reckless endangerment. He was ordered held without bond.
He was arrested after Anne Arundel County police officers received a tip related to the Feb. 18 altercation, which was captured by video footage. Stemen is alleged to have attempted to stab two other women with syringes prior to stabbing the woman police said he did.
Video from the grocery store Feb. 18 shows a man, who police have identified as Stemen, following a woman as she returns a shopping cart. Stemen proceeds to pull something from his pocket and pushes it against the woman’s buttocks and then returns it to his sweatshirt. After being pricked with the supposed syringe, the woman reacts in pain and looks down at her leg, the footage shows.
The woman asked Stemen if he burnt her with a cigarette, to which he responded “Ya it felt like a bee sting didn’t it,” according to police-authored charging documents.
But the woman reported feeling a wet substance on her pants after the alleged syringe attack, court records show. And after getting home, she examined the area where she thought she’d been burned and noticed an apparent puncture wound on her buttocks.
By the next day, the woman told police the small red spot had expanded into a large round red area about 4 inches wide, police wrote.
Stemen denied poking the woman when asked by police what his business was standing behind the woman. “Doing nothing just standing there,” he responded, according to police.
There once was a man named Stemen
Who had a syringe full of semen
He stuck her hiney
It stung like a bee
And he is no longer among all the free men
Rat Fink of the Week
Man Left Unable To Have Sex After ‘Rat Bit His Penis’ In Prison Plans To Reopen Lawsuit
A Vietnam war veteran who says he has been left unable to have sex after allegedly being bitten on the penis by a rat plans to reopen his lawsuit.
Peter Solomon from Elmont, New York, claimed that a rat bit his penis back in 2007 while he was temporarily jailed in the Nassau County Correctional Center facing charges he had menaced his first wife.
Although the charges were dropped and the 63-year-old was released after a month, he claims to have suffered years of misery as a result of the injuries and mental distress he sustained from the bite.
He said: “I am still unable to have sex with my wife and I’m still in near constant pain in my genitals.
“I can’t have sex and I can’t masturbate. I still have the urges but I just can’t do it. I can’t get an erection and a semi erection is very painful, even urinating can be painful.
“I have a keloid scar on my penis from the bite and scars on my legs from where the rat scratched me.”
The court documents read: “Solomon alleges that a rodent emerged from a hole in his mattress while he slept and bit him on the penis. Solomon pulled the rodent from his penis and threw it away from him.”
The lesson here is don’t try to f*ck a rat when you have dick cheese.
Clam Heist of the Week
Doctors suspended for removing transgender man’s vagina without consent
Two doctors had their licenses suspended after removing a transgender man’s vagina in London without his consent, according to a report.
Dr. Marco Capece and Dr. Giulo Garaffa were found guilty in connection to the irreversible procedure on a transgender man — who didn’t discover until a week after the October 2016 surgery that his vagina was removed…
The patient, who wasn’t identified, said that he went in for two other procedures in his gender assignment process — a hysterectomy and a metoidioplasty, an operation that gave him a penis.
But he claims he never consented to the third procedure — a vaginectomy — that he received at Highgate Private Hospital.
He (?) wanted a dong and a vag?
Stranglehold of the Week
Portage man accused of injuring woman’s breasts in strangulation
31-year-old Portage man is accused of injuring a woman’s breasts, strangling her and hitting her head against a wooden couch frame.
Timothy J. Schrank Jr. faces up to eight years in prison for felony strangulation and suffocation and up to eight years for felony bail jumping. He also faces misdemeanors of battery and disorderly conduct.
According to the criminal complaint, Schrank and the victim got into an argument Jan. 30 at a residence in Portage. When the victim tried to leave, Schrank grabbed her by the shirt and pulled her back inside. Schrank then grabbed the victim by her breasts and pulled them away from her body, yelling at her that he was going to tear them off. Schrank pulled the victim off the couch and onto the floor, causing her to hit her head on the wooden frame of a couch.
Portage Police observed red marks on the side of the victim’s neck, near her collarbone, according to the complaint. Police also observed multiple bruises of various colors on both of the victim’s breasts. The victim stated repeatedly that Schrank had choked her and banged her head on the couch while dragging her to the floor.
The Portage Titty Strangler or possibly the Wolverine’s meth-head cousin.
Jihadi A-Hole of the Week
Iranian Cleric Claims: Applying Essential Oil to Anus Will Kill Coronavirus
A neighborhood cleric from the Iranian metropolis of Qom has urged a novel treatment for the brand new coronavirus – the pre-bedtime rectal administration of violet leaf oil.
Customers on Twitter describe how the Ayatollah Tabrizian has publicly denounced Western drugs as “un-Islamic”.
In a put up to over 120,000 followers on the social messaging service Telegram, Tabrizian, a purveyor of conventional Islam drugs, listed a number of various strategies for preventing the unfold of the contagious illness, often called Covid-19.
In accordance to an Iranian information web site, which obtained a screenshot of the message, Tabrizian recommends consuming copious quantities of brown sugar, burning wild rue, in addition to inhaling snuff.
His eighth tip is probably the most placing: “Earlier than bedtime, drench some cotton in violet oil and apply onto your anus”.
There’s only one reason to grease up your anus and it has nothing to do with stopping the coronavirus.
Regular A-Hole of the Week
Arkansas man’s retrial under way in sodomy killing of 6-year-old son for eating cake without asking
A man accused of killing his 6-year-old son in 2015 by sodomizing him with a stick and forcing him to do squats is on trial for the second time in an Arkansas courtroom.
Mauricio Alejandro Torres, 50, of Bella Vista, is charged with capital murder and first-degree battery, according to Benton County Jail records. He faces the death penalty if convicted.
Opening statements in the case began Thursday. On Friday, jurors heard from the emergency room doctor who tried to save Mauricio “Isaiah” Torres’s life when he was brought to Mercy Bella Vista Medical Center the night of March 29, 2015.
“He had wounds all over his body,” Dr. Franklin Mayhue said…“This was an extreme picture of a child who was not only dead, but dead from a bizarre situation.”
Mayhue also testified about the lack of reaction Torres and his wife, Cathy Lynn Torres, had when he told them their son had died.
“There was an absence of a normal grieving response from parents that lost a child,” Mayhue said.
Mauricio Torres was found guilty Nov. 15, 2016, of both charges in the death of his son, but his conviction was later overturned…a medical examiner testified at the first trial that Isaiah died of a bacterial infection he developed after being sodomized during a family vacation in Missouri.
Hopefully a similar fate awaits this loser when he’s in prison.
Speed Demon of the Week
Driver speeds past women, exits truck and masturbates by the highway, Missouri cops say
A Missouri man is accused of speeding past women on a highway, then pulling to the side of the road to masturbate as they drove by him, police say.
When he was arrested, the 20-year-old told cops that he could explain.
The Camden County Sheriff’s Office learned of the incident on Tuesday afternoon when a woman called 911 because a man driving a Dodge pickup truck had just sped past her on a highway in central Missouri, according to a probable cause affidavit.
When she caught up to the driver, the man had pulled to the side of the road, and he was masturbating outside the truck with his pants around his ankles, according to the affidavit.
The deputy recognized the truck — a “dually” Dodge pickup truck with a smoke stack and deer skull stickers on the window — from previous encounters with the suspect. Another deputy arrested the man at a Walmart, police said.
Meanwhile, another woman told investigators that a similar truck drove past her in the opposite direction on the same highway. She saw the truck turn around in her rear-view mirror, according to the affidavit.
The truck began following her “extremely close” then sped past her, slowing down and speeding up. At an intersection, the driver slowed down to apparently see which way she would turn, according to the affidavit.
Asked to tell his story again, the man told investigators he stopped by the road to urinate during the first incident, according to the affidavit. During the second incident, the suspect told them he passed a car and pulled to the side of the road.
The man said he was “in the mood” and believed he was hidden in the brush when he began masturbating, according to the affidavit. He told investigators that he enjoys doing this outdoors, police said.
It was a drive-by sploodging. And speaking of unlikely excuses…
Toe Jammer of the Week
Florida hospital worker accused of sucking patient’s toes says it’s a misunderstanding
A Florida hospital worker who was arrested after a patient accused him of sucking on her toes says he’s not a creep and the whole thing is a big misunderstanding…
Frantz Beldorin, 23, was arrested Tuesday on a charge of battery on a person 65 years or older.
…a patient at Gulf Coast Hospital in Fort Myers was in her bed sleeping around 11 p.m. when she said she felt something on her foot and at first thought it was a nurse checking on her but then she felt it two more times followed by a wet feeling between her toes.
She said she looked up to see Beldorin on his knees, bent over her foot, which she then pulled away from him…
Beldorin, who was a hospital sitter assigned to watch over the other patient in the room, then returned to his chair.
After he was released from jail, Beldorin spoke…saying that he dropped his phone under her bed and was bent down with his hands on the edge of the bed to retrieve it.
“She’s afraid and we’re in the dark,” Beldorin told the TV station. “It’s a dark room, with a dark male at the foot of her bed. Don’t know what she’s like, I can understand… But I’m not trying to do that with you, for what?”
He said he’s lost his job and his reputation is now tarnished.
“It makes me look crazy or, like, creepy and I’m not. Like, I’m not that type of dude,” Beldorin said.
Joe Biden believes you, homie.
Dump of the Week
Dalit man lynched for defecating in field, seven arrested
24-year-old Dalit man was brutally thrashed by a mob after he allegedly stopped to defecate in an open field in Villupuram town in South of Chennai, Tamil Nadu. The victim, identified as Sakthivel, worked in a petrol pump near Villupuram.
On Wednesday, while on his way to work, he stopped at an open field to defecate when a woman noticed him and began yelling. The woman then called others while shouting that he was misbehaving with her.
Seeing the mob approach, Sakthivel tried to flee but was caught, following which his hands and legs were tied up and he was brutally assaulted.
Police was informed, but, Periyathachur Sub-inspector Vinoth, who reached the spot, did not take Sakthivel to a hospital and told him to appear for inquiry the next day instead.
Sakthivel’s sister, Theivanai, then reached the spot after some time and took him back home. She said that Sakthivel fell unconscious and died in a few hours.
Theivanai lodged a complaint with Periyathachur Police Station following which seven people were arrested in connection with the incident.
A case has been registered under section 147 (punishment for rioting), 148 (rioting, armed with deadly weapons), 294 (B) (Obscene action and songs) and 302 (punishment for murder) of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) and 3 (2) (v) of SC/ST Prevention of Atrocities Act.
Singing while killing people for shitting in India is frowned upon.
V-Pee of the Week
Doctors Report The First Known Case of a Person Who Urinates Alcohol
A woman in Pittsburgh has become the first documented case in a living person of an unusual medical condition where alcohol naturally brews in the bladder from the fermentation of yeast.
The condition, which researchers propose to call either ‘bladder fermentation syndrome’ or ‘urinary auto-brewery syndrome’, is similar to another incredibly rare condition, auto-brewery syndrome, where simply ingesting carbohydrates can be enough to make you inebriated, even without consuming any alcohol via regular means.
In the new case, doctors became aware of what seems to be a related syndrome, after attending upon a 61-year-old patient who presented with liver damage and poorly controlled diabetes.
The woman visited University of Pittsburgh Medical Centre Presbyterian Hospital for placement on a liver transplant waitlist, with doctors having previously suspected her problems stemmed from alcohol addiction, due to repeated urine tests for alcohol showing consistently positive.
“Initially, our encounters were similar, leading our clinicians to believe that she was hiding an alcohol use disorder,” her doctors explain in a new case report.
“However, we noted that plasma test results for ethanol and urine test results for ethyl glucuronide and ethyl sulfate, which are the metabolites of ethanol, were negative, whereas urine test results for ethanol were positive.”
Furthermore, in addition to consistently denying having consumed alcohol, the patient did not appear to show signs of intoxication during visits to the clinic, even though her urine showed high levels of ethanol content.
Suddenly Bud Light’s secret formula ain’t so secret.
Polish Joke of the Week
Polish woman, 25, goes BLIND after getting her eyeballs dyed black
A woman has been left completely blind in one eye and will soon lose sight in the other after a tattoo artist botched an attempt to dye her eyeballs black.
Aleksandra Sadowska from the city of Wroclaw in the west of Poland had gone to the tattooist after deciding she wanted to emulate a rap artist called Popek, who also had the whites of his eyes dyed black.
The bungled procedure left the 25-year-old model complaining of pains in her eyes which the tattooist is reported to have said was normal and could be treated with painkillers.
Based in the Polish capital Warsaw, the tattoo artist named in local media as Piotr A., is facing three years in prison for unintentionally severely disabling the woman.
After losing complete sight in her right eye, Aleksandra was told by doctors that the damage was irreparable and that she would soon lose sight in her left eye too.
How does a Polack give a woman a black eye?
WTF? of the Week
Men’s stares, taunts at our big boobs make us uncomfortable – Busty Nigerian Females
Eru aya, Oshodi-Oke, maami, ki leleyi?, aunty se n’ tomo lowo ni” (heavily breasted, what’s this?, are you breast feeding?) were the words that assailed the ears of a chubby and light-skinned 30-year-old Wunmi, as she alighted from a commercial bus at the popular Oshodi bus stop in Lagos.
The lady was trying to locate the Mafoluku part of the area that day. She has become used to manly taunts every time she walks Lagos streets with her mountainous boobs harassing eyes of sex-starved men and perverts.
That evening, the lady, who preferred to be identified only as Wunmi, said she took a commercial motorcycle plying an inner street she was heading for. She told our correspondent that some of the men who initially gathered under a tree followed her, shouting “o ma jabo (the breasts will fall)’ as the rider entered a bump in dusty terrain.
She, however, said she was unperturbed as the scene had become normal for her.
Wunmi said, “It is what I face daily; bus conductors, okada riders, bus drivers, louts and others scream anytime they see me. Some men will stare as if they want to enter inside me. I am used to it but it’s not right. They embarrass me all the time because I am busty. It is not that I did anything to my breasts to make them big. It is the way I am created. At first, I used to be shy about it but over time, I have come to accept it that that is the way I was created and I love my breasts.”
When motor-boating becomes cargo-shipping.
