There’s nothing going on but the coronavirus, which means there’s a certain amount of coronavirus insanity. Wash your hands and enjoy this bonus edition of the Week in WTF?:
Coronadick of the Week
Shoppers Are Stocking Up On Penis Shaped Pasta Amid Stockpiling Shortage
As the world continues to prepare to socially distance in a bid to tackle coronavirus, panic buying has ensued, and many supermarkets have been stripped almost entirely bare of essentials, like tinned foods, toilet roll and pasta.
But if you missed the last bag of spaghetti in Sainsbury’s then have no fear, because carb-loving Brits have now found a genius solution to get them through the next few weeks.
Yep, Ann Summers has boxes of pasta on offer, and they are even selling them on a 3 for 2 offer.
Of course, the catch is that they’re shaped like…. err…penises – but that’s a small price to pay to ensure your cupboard is stocked up, right?
First spotted on Facebook page Extreme Couponing and Bargains UK, the naughty shaped treat quickly drummed up a lot of attention, with shoppers claiming they would be making purchases online, or even popping into their local branch.
“Desperate times calls for desperate measures,” one person joked in the comments as the social media page suggested they made the purchase.
For an extra 5 bucks a guy named Alfredo will make a special white sauce to go on this.
Coronaballs of the Week
Doctors in China have urged male coronavirus patients to test their fertility as soon as they recover because the infection may damage the function of their testicles.
No study has proved that the virus will reduce men’s fertility or sexual potency.
But medics in Wuhan have suggested the likelihood that the disease can affect the production of sperm and the formation of male sex hormones.
Although the coronavirus mainly targets one’s lungs and immune system, it can, in theory, impair a man’s abilities to reproduce, according to Wuhan’s Tongji Hospital.
Unfortunately the Chinese remedy for coronaballs is to eat raw bat rectums infected with COVID-20 which explodes penises.
Coronaboobs of the Week
Strip club planned to offer drive-thru shows, hand sanitizer wrestling
Although many businesses in Las Vegas are closed today after Nevada’s governor asked nonessential businesses to close their doors, that does not appear to include the city’s strip clubs.
Little Darlings, which is owned by Deja Vu, is not only open, but they are also planning to offer drive-thru strip shows and nude hand sanitizer wrestling.
Starting this weekend, guests will be able to drive up to the front door, pay $100, and enjoy a 10-minute XXX show from the comfort and safety of their vehicles.
The XXX Nude Hand Sanitizer Wrestling will begin on Saturday.
$100 bucks is still cheaper than toilet paper.
ATM-19 of the Week
People Think New York City’s Coronavirus Sex Guide Is Hilarious
With the coronavirus taking hold in New York, the New York City government has taken the time to draft up some guidelines for people who are still looking to get lucky during this period of self-isolation.
New York City has released an advisory detailing the best practices for sex during this pandemic. In the documents, the city reveals that it is a strong advocate for masturbation.
“You are your safest sex partner,” the release reads before explaining that this should be accompanied by the proper handwashing techniques.
The city also urges people to consolidate their partners by only sleeping with the people that live in your house. Additionally, it warns against “mouth to anus” action as well as recommends condoms during sex and oral sex.
Coronavirus isn’t the only reason why you shouldn’t suck on someone’s ass.
SBD-19 of the Week
YOU CAN CATCH CORONAVIRUS FROM SOMEONE’S FLATULENCE?
The coronavirus is all over the news nowadays. It’s gotten people very concerned about the potential of this virus. Now, things are about to go to another level of concerning.
Apparently, you can catch the coronavirus from someone’s flatulence. Yes, if someone who had the virus were to cut the cheese in front of you, there’s a chance that you could, in fact, catch the coronavirus.
I know, it sounds kind of humorous, but this isn’t a joke. Health officials in Beijing have confirmed that this is possible. The good news is that while it is entirely possible for you to catch the coronavirus from someone’s fart, it’s not very likely for two reasons.
You would have to get a good, close sniff. How close exactly? The article doesn’t really specify. Maybe if you’re riding in a car with the windows up?
The person would have to be naked from the waist down. Pants and underwear act as a “fart shield”
People in San Francisco are doomed!
Coronaroller of the Week
FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED FOR FELONY THEFT OF 66 ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER FROM HOTEL
A Florida man was arrested and charged with felony theft after he was allegedly caught using a garbage can to sneak 66 rolls of toilet paper out of a Marriott hotel.
Angel Esteban Hernandezcinto, 31, was arrested in the early morning hours of Thursday after police responded to security guard Yamil Egipciaco’s call complaining that a man was stealing toilet paper from the hotel. At 1:30 a.m., the guard said he was on regular patrols when he noticed suspicious activity from Hernandezcinto, according to an arrest affidavit.
“Yamil saw Angel pushing a trash can toward his Honda van,” the arresting officer wrote in the affidavit. “Angel opened the rear of the van and took a trash bag from the trash can and put it in his van. Yamil found it suspicious as to why he put a trash bag in his van and peaked through the window. Yamil noticed the bag was full of unused toilet paper that belonged to the hotel.”
Hernandezcinto was able to execute his alleged toilet paper heist because he worked for a cleaning company that services the hotel. Egipciaco counted the rolls, valued at around $65, and expressed an eagerness to testify against the alleged thief.
Being shitty has never been so shit-related.
COVID Rage of the Week
A couple desperate for their Mountain Dew fix ranted at workers who refused to let them stockpile 552 cans of the soft drink.
The couple visited the Louisville, Kentucky, Kroger supermarket this week and flew into a rage when workers informed them that they were not allowed to stockpile so much.
They were filmed complaining to an employee that they were purposely misinformed about being allowed to return and complete their purchase of 23 cases – a whopping total 552 cans.
They’re picking diabetes over coronavirus.
Misandryvirus of the Week
Men represent the majority of coronavirus cases so far.
The deadly coronavirus that originated in Wuhan, China, has infected more men than women, and scientists are divided about why that is.
The virus, which causes a disease known as COVID-19, has killed more than 2,700 people and infected more than 80,000, with the vast majority of cases in mainland China.
A study of more than 44,000 confirmed coronavirus cases in China offers one of the broadest pictures of how the virus operates in humans so far. The study found that men are more likely to die of the virus, with a fatality rate of 2.8% compared to 1.7% for women. Men also represented a slight majority of cases: around 51%.
Once again, men are better than women.
Coronaheist of the Week
The Sacramento County Sheriff’s Department said they are investigating a paper towel robbery at a WinCo Foods in Arden involving a suspect who allegedly threatened employees.
Deputies said they initially received calls regarding the incident just before 1 p.m. from the 3300 block of El Camino Avenue.
The sheriff’s department said a suspect was reported as attempting to steal paper towels and threatened employees when confronted. Deputies said the caller also said the suspect had a gun but the investigation found that no gun was seen.
Deputies said the suspect was a male adult who left the scene in a Maserati. Responding law enforcement briefly chased the suspect but soon lost sight of the vehicle. It is unclear if the suspect got away with any products.
According to the sheriff’s department, this is not the first time they’ve received reports of thefts of this nature during the coronavirus crisis, but it was the first with a more serious nature.
Before coronavirus, dude’s with Maserati getaway cars pulled off million dollar art heists but now it’s paper towels.
COVID-357 Magnum of the Week
Coronavirus argument ends in shooting death, police say
ANN ARBOR, MI – A Thursday night argument between roommates over restrictions caused by coronavirus concerns escalated into fatal shooting, police said.
Officers responded to a shots fired call at 9:12 p.m., March 19 in the 1700 block of Weldon Boulevard in the Dicken neighborhood of Ann Arbor, Ann Arbor Police Chief Michael Cox said in an email.
The officers found two men, one of whom was unresponsive and had been shot multiple times, police said. Paramedics with Huron Valley Ambulance determined the man had died at the scene, police said.
The suspect said he shot the victim after arguing with him about restrictions in place due to COVID-19, the disease caused by novel coronavirus, police said.
The victim lunged at the shooter with a crowbar, police said. The suspect, who currently is in custody, notified officers of the incident, police said.
“There’s no indication that additional danger to the public exists,” Cox said in the email.
Extreme social distancing.
Coronadrone of the Week
Drone walks dog for man on coronavirus lockdown in Cyprus
Talk about the tail wagging the dog.
One resourceful man in Cyprus used a drone to walk his dog while on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic.
Vakis Demetriou shared the video Wednesday and captioned it “5th day quarantine” while encouraging people to stay home, but also remember to care for their furry friends.
The pooch itself appeared quite happy trotting through the empty streets of Limassol on Cyprus’ southeastern coast.
Now he just needs a Roomba to pick up the dog poop and he’s set. Actually, he might need one of these robots too:
Coronapoon of the Week
Sex robot firm selling ‘anti-bacterial’ dolls for coronavirus self-isolation
A top sex robot firm has moved to assure customers its dolls are anti-bacterial as people lock themselves inside over the coronavirus crisis.
US giant RealDoll, also known as Abyss, shared a snap of one of its robots sitting on a bed.
The company reached out over the coronavirus crisis, which has led people around the world to stay indoors and avoid social contact.
With scores of people facing agonising sexless spells, RealDoll told existing or potential customers that there is hope.
The message on Instagram read: “Self isolating doesn’t have to be the worst.
“All RealDolls are made from Platinum Grade Silicone and are naturally antibacterial and nonporous.”
If these sexbots are running Windows they are still susceptible to viruses.
Florida Man-19 of the Week
Florida man accused of beating pregnant woman he thought was infected with coronavirus
A Florida man is behind bars after authorities say he viciously attacked and beat a pregnant woman because he thought she had the coronavirus.
Joseph Newell, 24, is facing an aggravated battery charge.
According to an arrest report…the Cape Coral Police Department were called to an apartment complex after witnesses reported hearing screams for help.
The victim was allegedly beaten by Newell because he thought she had coronavirus, the report claims. Newell was reportedly seen straddling the woman, who six months pregnant, with his hands around her neck.
When police ordered him to stop, Newell refused and continued to beat her, People reported. As officers put him in handcuffs, Newell reportedly began slamming his head on the concrete.
The victim said that Newell knew she was pregnant when he attacked her. She was taken to the hospital for treatment.
Newell was allegedly intoxicated at the time and kept rambling about coronavirus while in the presence of police…
The coronavirus has changed every American’s life, except Florida Man’s.
