We’re a couple of months into the zombie apocalypse and I have yet to see one damn zombie so maybe it’s time to call off this lockdown. Here’s some other WTF? things that happened this week that also don’t make a lot of sense.
Headline of the Week
Frozen Poop Knives Don’t Work Very Well, in Case You Were Wondering
This is a tale about a poop knife. As the story goes, an old Inuit man refused to relocate to a government settlement camp. His family, fearful of the repercussions, took away his tools in hopes that he’d be compelled to go. Instead, in the midst of winter, he honed his own feces into a frozen blade. With his fecal knife, he killed a dog, used its rib cage as a sled, used its hide to harness another dog and escaped into the night.
Last winter, researchers at Kent State University tried to test whether the story could be true.
“No grad students were harmed in the production of this paper,” said assistant professor of anthropology Metin Eren.
The researchers shaped the feces into knives using their hands or ceramic molds. Then they froze the knives in dry ice and sharpened them.
Eren was surprised by how hard the feces got. “I thought, ‘Oh my God, this might work,’ ” he says. But when the team tested the blades on pig hide, they melted on contact. “It was like a brown crayon,” says Eren. “Just left nasty skid marks.”
Those Ginsu knives are shit too.
Super Pussy of the Week
Porsche driver Richard Pusey recorded complaining about his damaged car to dying police officer
The Porsche driver who allegedly fled the scene of a freeway crash which killed four police officers was filmed heaping abuse on one of the victims and complaining about the damage to his car, a court has heard.
Leading Senior Constable Lynette Taylor, Constable Glen Humphris, Senior Constable Kevin King and Constable Josh Prestney were killed in the crash on the Eastern Freeway in Kew.
The four officers were standing in the emergency lane when the truck hit them as they prepared to impound the Porsche 911 being driven by 41-year-old Melbourne mortgage broker Richard Pusey.
Mr Pusey was allegedly travelling at 149 kilometres per hour while under the influence of methylamphetamine and cannabis before he was pulled over.
Senior Constable Aaron Price told the court Mr Pusey had walked to the grassed side of the emergency lane to urinate just before the truck veered into the cars.
“All I wanted to do was go home and eat my sushi, you’ve f***ed my f***ing car,” Leading Senior Constable Taylor’s body camera is alleged to have recorded Mr Pusey saying to her, before fleeing the scene.
She was pinned under the truck at the time.
A guy driving a Porsche named Dick Pussy is an asshole. How is this news?
Super Boob of the Week
Breast friends: Woman’s implants deflect bullet, save her life
She was saved by silicon.
A woman survived a close-range gunshot thanks to her silicone breast implants, doctors have discovered.
Researchers detailed how a silicone breast implant deflected the bullet from nipping the 30-year-old woman’s vital organs…
“The implant caused the change in the trajectory of the bullet,” surgeon Giancarlo McEvenue [said].
“The bullet wound entry was on the left breast, but the rib fracture was on the right side. The bullet entered the skin on the left side first, and then ricocheted across her sternum into the right breast and broke her rib on the right side,” he explained.
The shooting took place in 2018 in Toronto. It was one of a handful of documented instances in medical journals where breast implants have saved a person’s life — and the first instance where a silicone implant had actually changed the trajectory of a bullet…
Fake tits save real lives.
Porker of the Week
4-year-old Indian boy attacked, partially eaten by roaming wild pigs
A 4-year-old boy was killed and partially eaten by wild pigs roaming the street near his home in India, according to a local report.
“A pack of pigs were loitering around the garbage dump and attacked the child on spotting him,” Saidabad police spokesman K Srinivas told Telangana Today.
The parents of the boy, Harshavardhan, were looking for him and arrived at Tuesday’s gruesome scene in Hyderabad shortly after police, the officer revealed.
“The animals partially ate the body of the boy,” Srinivas revealed.
Locals had already been complaining about officials refusing to remove the pigs from the neighborhood where the boy’s family lived in huts…
You know it’s a backwards country when bacon eats you for breakfast.
Gardener of the Week
Suspected Russian cannibal arrested after severed penis found in garden
A suspected Russian cannibal with skeletons under his floor has been arrested on suspicion of murdering three people after a severed penis was found in his garden, according to a report.
The gruesome discovery was made on 66-year-old Viktor Zakharov’s property in the Siberian village of Severnoye — leading police to find the skeletal remains of two other men in his house and other body parts outside…
Authorities are investigating whether the scrap metal collector, who was collared Monday, ate the men.
Police launched an investigation after the wife of Petr Lysyany, 36, reported him missing, according to the news outlet.
After Lysyany’s bike was found near Zakharov’s ramshackle home, the suspect admitted that he had been drinking with the missing man a few days earlier.
“At that moment a policeman saw a severed penis in the yard,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper reported…
“He went inside and began to check the grounds. As a result, parts of the missing man’s body were found in the outside toilet and the garden. In the cellar, they removed the plank floor and found two skeletons,” according to the report.
Where did I leave that penis?
Bratwurst of the Week
De Blasio’s social distancing tip line flooded with penis photos, Hitler memes
Mayor Bill de Blasio’s critics let him know how they really felt about him ordering New Yorkers to snitch on each other for violating social-distancing rules — by flooding his new tip line with crank complaints including “dick pics” and people flipping the bird, The Post has learned.
Photos of extended middle fingers, the mayor dropping the Staten Island groundhog and news coverage of him going to the gym have all been texted to a special tip line that de Blasio announced Saturday, according to screenshots posted on Twitter.
“F–k you!” replied @MorganLSchmidt1, along with a meme showing Adolf Hitler and the words “TO THOSE TURNING IN YOUR NEIGHBORS AND LOCAL BUSINESSES — YOU DID THE REICH THING.”
Other profane messages included a photo of a bowl of gummy candies in the shape of male genitaliaand a sign saying “EAT A BAG OF D–KS.”
An NYPD source said that “dick pic” photos of real penises have also been texted to 311, and a caller phoned in a tip that de Blasio was seen performing oral sex on someone “in an alleyway behind a 7-11” early Sunday.
The inundation of off-color texts was so large the city had to temporarily shut down the service.
Anthony Wiener wants to know what all the fuss is about texting dick pix.
Slapwurst of the Week
Husband slapped wife in the face with penis during a Zoom call
As coronavirus lockdown entered its fourth week, *Maggie and *James started getting creative with how they passed the time.
The couple came up with a hilarious new game which involved slapping the other person with random things.
Whoever chooses the most random thing wins – which is why James needed to get Maggie back after she got him with a tampon one morning.
“Today I decided it was time for revenge. I got out of the shower, dried off and looked for her,” he wrote in a since-deleted Reddit post.
“I saw she was on her computer with headphones on. I snuck in from the side and – boom – dick slapped her square on the cheek. She never stood a chance.
“I stood there expectantly waiting for her to laugh or some sort of reaction.”
But instead of laughter, what Maggie said next shook James to his very core.
She turned around, white in the face, and just said “I’m on a call”.
James immediately assumed that she was joking … but then he looked at the computer screen.
There he saw the blurry faces of “several gobsmacked co-workers” – only one of whom he had even met in real life.
That seems like a pretty decisive win to me.
Thai Fighter of the Week
Monk defrocked and arrested after allegedly shooting man in the testicles
A monk at Wat Mongkhol Nimit in Samut Prakan, just south of Bangkok, has been defrocked and arrested for shooting another man who was living at the same temple. Police arrested 46 year old Phra Apiram Ruengthip at his living quarters on Friday evening. The former monk claims he only shot in self-defense.
Police say they seized an unregistered handgun with two bullets from the monk. He had hidden the pistol in a black plastic bag containing empty plastic bottles. Police then took Ruengthip to meet the abbot so he could be defrocked before being taken to the police station. Under Thai law, a Buddhist monk can be questioned but not jailed until he is first defrocked.
The arrest follows the attack on a man, identified as 42 year old Samret Kasemrat, who lived in the temple. According to police Samret was shot in the right testicle and was rushed to hospital.
Ruengthip told police he had been in the monkhood for 4 or 5 years. In recent months, belongings at the temple have often been stolen, so he bought a pistol and patrolled around the temple at night. He claims that on the night, while patrolling behind the temple, he saw Samret walking around the area. Samret allegedly scolded him rudely and began walking toward him. He says the man was carrying something in one of his hands.
The former monk said he told Samret to stop, but he ignored him. This prompted him to fire a warning shot. However, Samret continued approaching him, forcing him to fire shots in self-defense, claiming he did not know where the bullet hit. After the shooting, he returned to his room.
Too bad he didn’t hit the wang because then it would have been a defrocking for a decocking.
Pelosi of the Week
California Sea Cucumber Breathes Out of Its Butt
The California Sea Cucumber is also known by the names Giant Sea Cucumber and Giant Red Sea Cucumber, and they’re a truly weird mix of alien movie and punk rock aesthetics. Fat, long and purple, they have these funky spikes all along their bodies, and they do a bunch of really oddball things in their daily life like breath out of their butts.
That’s right, the California Sea Cucumber (Parastichopus californicus) is a butt breather. Not only that, it uses its anus as a second mouth, eating out of that orifice as well.
Big deal, California democrats can actually talk out of their butts.
Jughead of the Week
Katy Perry Says She Got Bigger Breasts Through the Power of God
Katy Perry is a singer with a larger-than-life image. Part of that image is sensuality. Perry has no qualms with showing off her body in music videos and photoshoots.
Perry thinks there’s something very special about her body. Something supernatural. Here’s why she thinks God helped give her a curvaceous body.
Perry may not currently identify with Christianity or any other religion, but she does feel that she has a close connection with God.
Prayer has had an impact on Perry’s life. She sees her breasts as a literal godsend. She recalled an interesting anecdote from her early years about praying for God to change her body. Perry discussed a time when she prayed at the age of 11.
Perry said “I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, ‘God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can’t see my feet when I’m lying down?’ God answered my prayers. I had no clue they would fall into my armpits eventually.”
She should have prayed for talent. Also, Katy Perry is the work of Satan, not God.
Living Dead of the Week
Woman Wakes Up In Body Bag After Doc Declares Her Dead
One woman in Paraguay is still alive despite being declared dead.
Local media reports say Gladys Duarte, who’s an ovarian cancer patient, visited a local hospital for increasingly high blood pressure. A couple of hours later, the overseeing doctor told her husband and daughter that she had died.
Gladys was transported to a funeral home in a body bag, where employees noticed that she was moving inside. Staff found that she was awake inside of the bag and had her taken to a medical facility for observation.
Her family members say the hospital doctor barely checked her pulse and did not even try to revive her. Her current condition is unknown.
I stand corrected. That’s one damn zombie but it still doesn’t justify the lockdown.
Living Dud of the Week
NJ man broke into funeral home, stripped naked, left cold beer in casket
A New Jersey man broke into an Old Forge funeral home Saturday night, stripped naked and left a cold beer in a display casket, borough police said Wednesday.
Ethan Palazzo, 30, 613 Park Ave., Collingswood, is charged with burglary, criminal trespass and criminal mischief, according to a criminal complaint.
olice said Palazzo kicked open the side door to the Thomas P. Kearney Funeral Home, Inc., 517 N. Main St., at around 8 p.m.
Palazzo, who smelled of alcohol, told police he did not have a reason for breaking in, then said he just wanted to speak with his girlfriend, according to the complaint.
He was nude when he was arrested.
Police said he stripped naked inside the funeral home and left his clothing on the floor of the morgue and office. He also appeared to have rifled through the closet containing the morgue’s chemicals, though it was not clear if he took anything.
Police found a cold bottle of beer inside one of the display caskets.
Police also believe Palazzo rummaged through a car parked outside and left behind an open can of Natural Ice beer in the center console.
Fake news: Natty Ice ain’t beer.
WTF? of the Week
A DAD pulled out his own tooth with a pair of pliers after being unable to get an emergency dentist appointment amid the coronavirus lockdown.
Billy Taylor, 33, of Axminster, Devon, spent an hour working the infected gnasher out with the help of his 11-year-old son after the pain it was causing became “excruciating”.
He had tried to get into a dentist and even called 111, but says he was told he wouldn’t be seen unless he was struggling to breathe.
“I’ve had problems with that tooth for about two years,” he said.
“I’ve been to the dentist over it four times. They recapped it, I’ve had a root canal.
“I had toothache running up to the Bank Holiday weekend. It was getting worse and worse. The pain was excruciating.
“Then, on the Tuesday after, my face was swelling and I had a migraine on that side. I think it was an abcess.
“It got really bad that night and the swelling was getting worse. I was pretty wound up.
“I thought: ‘Why don’t I just do it myself?’.”
An aircraft fitter by trade, Billy had a selection of tools he thought capable of doing the job, settling on a pair of wire-twisting pliers.
He then drank a couple of shots of whisky as a sedative and asked his son Leo to keep watch in case he passed out.
“I put the wire in the way that you floss. Once that was on it wasn’t coming off,” he said.
“Me and my lad ripped it out – it took about an hour. The process was bloody painful.
“It was hideous. But I’m into motocross – I can put up with a lot.”
Socialized medicine, y’all.
