The Biggest WTF? this week is the realization that we could have been defying the coronavirus lockdown stay-at-home social distancing orders all along if we had only gone out to loot and riot. You can’t go to the beach or get a haircut, but burning down a police station and looting a Target store are fine. Here’s some other surprising developments from the week:
Headline of the Week
Godman’s penis chopped off case: Kerala police to reinvestigate after 3 years
Three years after a godman’s penis was chopped off in Kerala, the state crime branch police chief has ordered a reinvestigation into the case. Initially, a young woman from Thiruvananthapuram was arrested for the crime, after she told a Magistrate that the godman had raped her for years and she severed his penis as an act of vengeance and self defense.
The case was first filed in May 2017 based on a statement made by the woman, a law student, against the godman named Sreehari alias Ganeshananda Theerthapada Swami. She had also alleged that the godman, who used to visit her house had been raping her for many years, even when she was a minor.
But within a few days she turned hostile, claimed that the man had not sexually abused her and alleged a conspiracy. Within weeks, her audio and statements with different versions started doing the rounds. In one of these, she said that the godman who was followed by her family had helped her a lot, in another statement she claimed that she had been in a trance and chopped off some body part and in a third statement she alleged that Sreehari’s aide, a man named Ayyappadas asked her to chop off the penis, but she couldn’t do it.
Things got more muddled as traces of Sreehari’s semen were found on her clothes. Sreehari was part of an ashram in Kollam. He used to visit the young woman’s house in Thiruvananthapuram for holding prayers for her ailing father.
According to police, the woman, her mother and the accused changed their statements several times. At one point, Sreehari said that he bobbitised himself. Later he changed his version and alleged conspiracy in the case.
A godman bobbitised himself?
Recycler of the Week
Drunk man cuts off penis, throws it away
According to various German media, emergency services in Berlin found a man several (sic) bleeding in the bushes of an allotment garden. The intoxicated victim reportedly cut off his own penis before throwing it away.
The man was rushed to the hospital with severe injuries. It took the man three attempts to cut off his genitals, the Berliner Kurier reported, adding that emergency services and police did not manage to find the discarded member in the bushes.
Police have launched an investigation. It cannot be ruled out that the drunk man attempted to die by suicide.
Which can do severed penises go in? Green? Blue?
Soy Boy of the Week
Man injects oil in chest for 8 years, has mastectomy
A 35-year-old man has undergone a 3D endoscopic mastectomy, after having injected himself with more than 3 liters of soybean oil over eight years.
The man, whose name was not revealed, had complained that his breasts were becoming loose and losing their shape, said Chunghwa Christian Hospital Endoscopic Mastectomy Center director Lai Hung-wen (賴鴻文), who performed the surgery last year.
At age 27, the man began searching for inexpensive breast augmentation methods, before learning about soybean oil injection from a cosmetic surgery Web site, Lai said.
Over the past eight years, the man injected himself at home 10 times, starting with about 50ml of oil, but he increased the dosage as he became “addicted” to the immediate visual results, Lai said.
Although most people use saline implants, silicone gel or transplanted fat from their own body for breast augmentation, it was the first time in Lai’s 14-year career of treating about 2,000 men with swollen breast tissue that he had encountered someone who had injected themselves with oil, he said.
The man told doctors that his desire for bigger breasts stemmed from his experiences with bullying in junior-high school, which made him feel insecure about being a man and believe that becoming a woman would allow him to be more “protected,” Lai said.
Nothing stops bullying like becoming a tranny with soy bean tits.
Sonova Beech of the Week
Woman calls police after beach-goers continue to defecate and urinate in her garden
A WOMAN called the police after people continued to defecate and urinate in her garden and outside her home while visiting Brean Beach on Bank Holiday weekend.
June Day, who lives at Brean Down Cove, hit out at ‘unhygienic’ tourists last week for using the beach and the streets as a lavatory during their trips to the beach.
The 58-year-old claims that people have gone for a wee in her garden and have even defecated against her fence and on the pavement near her house.
She criticised the National Trust for failing to open toilets near to the beach as she said reopening the facilities would solve the problem.
A spokesperson for the National Trust said the charity would open toilets across Britain ‘ where able.’
But June said no toilets have been reopened and scores of people flocked to the beach on Bank Holiday weekend and continued to defecate on the beach and in her garden.
She said the influx of visitors has not seen the problem improve and she has received some abuse from beach-goers.
June said she has grown frustrated with the problem and reported the incidents outside her property to the police.
“I contacted the police to report the toileting and asked them to record it as indecent exposure, both of which are illegal,” June said.
“I feel quite low and that’s because I’ve been hitting my head against a brick wall.
Good thing they included the picture or we might not know that shit stinks.
Cavity Creep of the Week
Christchurch school-leaver escapes conviction for toothbrush assault
A former Christchurch Boys’ High School student charged after violating another student with a toothbrush has emerged with a clean record.
The youth, who was 17 at the time of the September 2018 incident, was discharged without conviction when he appeared before Judge Jane Farish in the Christchurch District Court on Tuesday. He was also granted permanent name suppression.
He had previously pleaded guilty to a charge of indecent assault which was reduced from a sexual violation charge laid when the youth was first arrested. Although several boys were involved, the accused was the only student charged in relation to the assault.
The students were part of a Boys’ High sports team attending a North Island event when the incident occurred. It appears the accused was angry that someone had urinated on the handle of his toothbrush and confronted one of his teammates. The complainant was seen to be laughing.
Later a group gathered in a bedroom and, having decided to sleep naked, engaged in some play fighting. The victim’s top was pulled over his head and his pants pulled down. The accused, who came into the room, was handed a toothbrush which he inserted into the boy’s anus.
It was immediately clear the high jinks had gone too far and the accused apologised repeatedly. The two had been friends and were both high achievers.
Nothing forges a lasting friendship like a toothbrush up the poop chute.
Butt Dialer of the Week
Thug who tortured taxi driver found with mobile phone and charger wrapped up inside his bottom
A prisoner has been given extra time in jail after he was found with a mobile phone, four Sim cards and a charger hidden inside his bottom.
Daniel Jones, 30, of HMP Frankland in County Durham, was found with the prohibited items buried inside his body by prison guards on September 16 last year, which were identified after the criminal was scanned with a metal detector.
Hull Crown Court heard that Jones has a lengthy criminal record and has made 33 previous court appearances for 57 offences.
He is currently serving a 19-year sentence for his role in tying up, stabbing and attacking two victims in Hull during a horrific attack in March 2015 as part of a masked gang of five.
Hull Cars owner Chris Davidson and his friend Neil Collingham were tied up with electric cables and beaten up by Jones and his gang, who travelled across the county from Merseyside to raid his home in Willerby.
Prosecuting Jones for the crime of hiding the phone, Sim cards and charger in his anus, Stephen Welsh outlined how prison staff had found the prohibited goods during a search of Jones’ cell. They were all wrapped in cling film.
The new iPhone comes with innovated asshole-recognition software.
Deer John Letter of the Week
Naked woman breaks into JCDOT lot, steals truck, hits deer
A Jackson County Department of Transportation truck was heavily damaged a week ago when a naked woman broke into a Napoleon Township lot, stole the truck and hit a deer with it, police said.
Officers received the strange call about the crash near a home at the intersection of Clark Lake and Cranberry Lake roads at around 1 a.m., Wednesday, May 20, Napoleon Township Police Chief Duaine Pittman said.
They arrived to find a heavily damaged JCDOT pickup, a dead deer and a woman wearing only an orange safety vest and hat she had retrieved from the truck, Pittman said.
The 31-year-old woman told officers she was with someone earlier that night who had kicked her out of a vehicle and left her on the side of the road, Pittman said.
It’s unclear how or why the woman was naked, Pittman said, adding he believes drugs and suspected prostitution were involved.
So she was buck naked?
Jugs of the Week
Model says her breasts have grown so big she gets boob-shamed in the street
A woman claims her KK-cup size breasts which she insists are one hundred percent natural have grown so big that strangers boob-shame her in the street.
Curvy fashion model and artist, Anastasia Berthier, who is in her twenties from Moscow, Russia, would have issues with her weight between the ages of 10 and 11 and was bullied by her peers, who would call her names like ‘fatty’ or ‘little piggy’.
The bullying got worse one summer in 2006 when she had a sudden growth spurt in her breasts from a A-B-cup size to an E-cup.
Her high school peers would pay more attention to her but at the same time there were some who would react rudely about her appearance.
One day a boy at her school even spread a false rumour that she had sex with him, despite the fact that she was a virgin at the time. This increased her anxiety as a child.
Over time her boobs grew even more and as a result she began to receive a lot of unwanted attention from strangers who would point at her in the streets.
Is this what a “Gathering of the Juggalos” is? Speaking of which…
Mugs of the Week
Two arrested, charged following Asheville standoff
Asheville Police officials said crews have been attempting to negotiate with a barricaded suspect following a stabbing early Wednesday morning.
Police officials said officers responded at about 4 a.m. to Woodfin Apartments, located at 15 Woodfin Street, for a reported stabbing.
The victim suffered life-threatening injuries and was taken to Mission Hospital, police said. They are in critical condition.
Police said the suspect barricaded himself inside of the apartment.
Officers have been working with the department’s crisis negotiation team to get the man to come out of the apartment safely.
UPDATE: Asheville Police said the standoff has ended without further incident.
Police said after five hours of negotiation 41-year-old Julia Crystal Cavaliere and 54-year-old Donald Eugene Lory Jr. were taken into custody.
Lory was charged with assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill and inflict serious injury, while Cavaliere was charged with resist, delay, obstruction.
Amazingly, the word “meth” appears nowhere in this story. Equally as amazing, the one on the left is a woman.
Name of the Week
Suspended sentence granted Oklahoma man in Joplin drug case
A Tulsa, Oklahoma, man received a suspended sentence Tuesday when he pleaded guilty to a felony drug offense in connection with a traffic stop and arrest last year in Joplin.
Benjamin J. Dover, 37, pleaded guilty in Jasper County Circuit Court to a felony count of possession of a controlled substance in a plea agreement allowing a suspended sentence and dismissing related counts of forgery and unlawful possession of a firearm.
Judge David Mouton assessed Dover seven years on the drug conviction but suspended execution of the sentence and placed him on supervised probation instead for five years.
Joplin police arrested the defendant after a traffic stop Aug. 5, 2019, near the intersection of Seventh Street and Moffet Avenue. A probable-cause affidavit states that Dover was driving with no headlights on and that officers allegedly found 837.5 grams of marijuana, 9.3 grams of methamphetamine, drug paraphernalia, a couple of counterfeit bills and a stolen firearm in his vehicle.
It’s a good thing his sentence was suspended because you do not want to be in prison with a name like Ben Dover.
Baggage of the Week
Man died of asphyxiation after girlfriend locked him in suitcase for ‘up to 11 hours’
Sarah Boone was arrested on charges of second-degree murder in February after she was accused of zipping her boyfriend inside a suitcase during a game of hide-n-seek and leaving him to die as he called out her name and told her he couldn’t breathe.
A post-mortem examination of Boone’s boyfriend, 42-year-old Jorge Torres Jr., revealed that he died of positional asphyxia with environmental suffocation consistent with prolonged confinement.
The report also revealed that Torres had alcohol in his system at the time of death. Boone told investigators that she and Torres drank alcohol during the night and she passed out in her bed before letting her boyfriend out of the suitcase where he would later die, according to court records.
Based on the medical examiner’s findings, they estimated that Torres had been in the suitcase for “up to 11 hours or more.” A report showed that Torres had a black eye and other bruises and cuts on his head. His back and hands also had abrasions, bruises and cuts, indicating blunt impacts around the body, according to the medical examiner.
Investigators said Boone told deputies she woke up later and realized her boyfriend was still in the suitcase.
When Boone found Torres unresponsive in the suitcase, she told deputies she called her ex-husband who lives a few minutes away. After seeing Torres’ body, the ex-husband told Boone she needed to call 911, records show.
Deputies said they found Torres’ body near the front door near a blue suitcase.
Boone allowed investigators to search her phone through both verbal and written consent, and detectives found two videos on her phone where Torres can be heard from within the suitcase begging Boone to let him out, shouting that he couldn’t breathe.
“That’s on you. Oh, that’s what I feel like when you cheat on me,” Boone said in the video, according to court records. Based on the videos, Boone sounded as if she could be slurring her words.
Boone could be heard in the videos laughing and telling Torres to “shut up” as he called her name.
Boone told Torres this was “for everything you’ve done to me,” according to the video.
Dude totally won that game of hide and seek though.
Bank Heist of the Week
Man says he broke into San Diego Wells Fargo bank to heat up his Hot Pockets
A man who was arrested on suspicion of breaking into a Chollas View bank early Wednesday morning apparently entered the branch just so he can heat up his Hot Pocket sandwiches.
At around 3:30 a.m., San Diego police were dispatched to the Wells Fargo bank branch on 346 Euclid Ave. after a burglar alarm had gone off.
Responding officers arrived to find a broken window near the bank’s drive-thru.
The alarm company told police that surveillance cameras inside the branch captured a man inside a break room and using the microwave.
After about an hour, officers broke through the front doors and located the man inside.
As officers took him outside and arrested him, the man told 10News’ Breaking News Tracker that he entered the bank just so he can microwave his Hot Pockets.
When asked if the Hot Pockets were worth it, the man responded, “Hell yeah it was worth it.”
They’ll be no Hot Pockets where you’re going, punk.
Instant Karma of the Week
Suspected DUI driver accused of hitting assault suspect running from scene in Scottsdale
A woman is in custody after allegedly hitting a pedestrian who was running from a crime scene in Scottsdale.
Scottsdale police said the situation started on Sunday at 10:45 p.m. when officers responded to a fight in the nightclub area near Scottsdale and Camelback roads. Witnesses told police a man had assaulted another man and ran from the scene.
A short time later, the same suspect was hit by a vehicle driven by 32-year-old Yessenia Garcia, police said.
According to police, Garcia left the scene but was located by officers a short distance away where she was arrested for DUI.
The suspect who was hit by the vehicle was transported to the hospital with serious injuries. His current condition is unknown.
And then a pilot high on crack crashed his plane into Garcia’s car as she fled.
Superheroes of the Week
Boys let black widow bite them in hopes of turning into Spider-Man
Three young Bolivian brothers were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them — thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man, according to officials.
The Marvel-loving siblings — ages 12, 10 and 8 — found the spider while herding goats in Chayanta, a Ministry of Health official revealed at coronavirus briefing Saturday, according to Telemundo.
Thinking it would give them superhero powers, they prodded it with a stick until it bit each of them in turn, said the official, Virgilio Pietro.
Finding them crying, their mom rushed them to a nearby health center, which transferred them to a nearby hospital, Telemundo said.
The would-be Peter Parkers were transferred a third time, taken to the Children’s Hospital in La Paz the next day with fevers, tremors and muscle pains, according to the report.
There, they were treated and discharged last Wednesday, almost a week after they were bitten, the report says.
Pietro shared the drama as a warning to parents, saying that “for children, everything is real, movies are real” — even though they are in fact an “illusion,” according to Telemundo.
What about that guy who got a blowjob from a small-mouth bass in hopes of becoming Aquaman?
WTF? of the Week
A 68-year-old Chinese man has had a chopstick lodged in his belly after sticking it into his rear ‘out of curiosity’.
The elderly resident, who remains anonymous, claimed that he was interested in checking his backside after developing piles.
Doctors made the shocking discovery during an X-ray scan after the man had gone a hospital for severe abdominal pain.
The elderly man visited a hospital in Xiangyang, Hubei province of central China on April 22 after he suffered severe abdomen pains, an unnamed doctor told the local press.
‘A duty doctor gave him an X-ray scan and we spotted a metal object in the patient’s abdominal cavity,’ said the medic.
‘During the surgery, we removed a metal chopstick from [his] colon.’
The elderly resident confessed to the medics that he was using the stick to check his haemorrhoids ‘out of curiosity’.
Haemorrhoids, also known as piles, are swollen veins located around the lower part of the anus and rectum.
‘As of this patient, he inserted a metal chopstick from anus to a deep position in his colon,’ the doctor added. ‘It is indeed very rare.’
Where would we be without pioneers who dare to answer questions like: “What happens if I jab my hemorrhoids with a metal stick?”
