This week we learned they will riot if a black man threatens cops with a knife and they will riot if a black man commits suicide but they will stop rioting if a 17-year-old shoots them. Sometimes WTF? problems require WTF? solutions.
Headline of the Week
Spiders ‘the size of your hand’ are coming into our homes looking for sex, says expert
Residents across Nottinghamshire can expect to find more spiders crawling into their homes over the next few weeks – and this is why.
Male house spiders – which can have a leg span of up to 10cm – are on the prowl looking for female spiders to be their mating partner.
August and September is the mating season and they are attracted to warm and dry areas which is usually in people’s homes, sheds or garages.
Dr Chris Terrell-Nield, ecology lecturer at Nottingham Trent University who has been involved in a number of spider projects for Nottinghamshire Wildife Trust explains the situation.
He said people can expect to find three types of spiders at this time of year – the house spider, the daddy long leg spider and the cross spider.
He told Nottinghamshire Live: “The spider that is coming into houses at the moment is the house spider and it is one of Britain’s biggest spiders.
“The males are up to 10cm across the leg span and can be the size of your hand – that is the top range but it can be two thirds of that size. The size is down to how much they have eaten.
“They are not dangerous but they can give you a nip. They have biting fangs. These things have been breeding and started their life span in the spring.
“This time of the year, August and September, the male spiders have the urge to mate and start wandering and looking for females.
“When they find them they mate and she lays eggs and the male usually dies.”
If you feel 8 “fingers” on your privates, chances are it’s not a hand job from your wife.
Meat Stick of the Week
Phallic-shaped meat prompts police investigation
Authorities did their due diligence this week after a woman thought she bought a package of smoked turkey tails but received something that was much more phallic-shaped than expected.
Lamia Singfield of Akron said she had purchased a pack of smoked turkey tails from the grocery store to cook for dinner. But as she was cooking them in beans, she said something didn’t look right.
One of the tails looked a lot more like a human penis than any other kind of meat, she said.
“I’m calling Save A Lot, this ain’t right,” Singfield said on a Facebook livestream. “I know what this is.”
At first, she said she thought it was funny. But the longer she looked at the item, the more she became concerned the phallic-shaped meat could be from a human.
And so she called police.
Akron police responded to the home Monday evening to make a report and take the mystery meat to the Summit County Medical Examiner’s Office for testing.
According to the police report, Singfield told responding officers that she was concerned the piece of meat she found could be “human remains.”
“I hope it’s not a human, because then somebody is missing something that they need or somebody might be dead,” Singfield said Tuesday. “I just want answers.”
On Wednesday morning, an investigator at the Medical Examiner’s Office said they determined the meat was pork, not human. The piece of meat also has a bone in it, furthering evidence it was not what it looked like and likely a pig tail.
If we defund the police how will we solve penis-looking meat crimes?
Punchline of the Week
Parents who took the law into their own hands to punish a ‘paedophile’ are now facing murder charges after torturing and ‘killing an innocent man’ with ‘particular cruelty’.
Police believe that a girl, ten, who said Russian Dmitry Chikvarkin, 48, had touched her and a three-year-old was ‘lying’ as a ‘joke’.
The truck driver had given a lift to the two children at the request of their parents to take them to a carer.
When the three-year-old’s mother Valeria Dunaeva, 25, came to collect the girls, they told her that Chikvarkin ‘had touched them below the waist’, it is claimed.
She reacted furiously, and told her lover Sergey Chabin, 33, father of the ten-year-old.
The pair gathered three male friends and went to attack the truck driver acting as vigilantes, say police in Verkhnyaya Pyshma, Sverdlovsk region.
A law enforcement source told Znak newspaper: ‘They found the man who previously gave a lift to the children.
‘First, he was raped in the anus with a metal pipe.
‘Then they smashed his head with the same pipe, breaking his skull.’
The truck driver, the father of a six-year-old girl, was alive when the group left but died later from head wounds.
Police say they have interviewed both children and believe the older girl invented the accusation as a ‘joke’.
They concluded the claim he had touched the pair was a ‘lie’.
If it wasn’t for the resulting sodomy and murder, that would have been a hilarious joke.
Dick Cheese of the Week
Man accused of putting genitals on children’s feet, raping one of them in Springfield Twp.
A Silverton man is accused of putting his genitals on two young girls and raping one of them. Raynardo Ruff, 35, faces rape and gross sexual imposition charges.
On March 1 and June 1, Ruff allegedly put his genitals on the feet of a 6-year-old and an 11-year-old “for sexual gratification” at a Springfield Township home. He raped the 6-year-old, according to court papers.
Court documents do not say how he might have known the girls.
In prison they’ll call him “Foot F*cker.” I mean, after they kill him for being a child molester.
Pussy Cheese of the Week
‘Walls were covered in mucus’: Nearly 80 cats removed from small Sedalia home
Police in Sedalia said 78 cats were recovered Wednesday from a small home on S. Prospect Avenue.
Two people, 37-year-old Ferdinand Bucayan and 59-year-old Teodora Dalumpines, were arrested, and charges of animal abuse and neglect are pending.
Authorities said many of the cats were in need of immediate medical care. Deceased kittens were found in bags inside the home, and 27 deceased cats were found buried in the backyard.
“The walls were covered in mucus and snot from these cats,” said Randi Battson, manager of the Sedalia Animal Shelter. “I think every single one of them, at the bare minimum, has an upper respiratory infection. Many of them have far more serious conditions to recover from.”
Neighbors said they’re shocked about the discovery and had no idea what was going on inside the home.
“You see a lot of cats in the neighborhood, but didn’t know there was that many cats in one house,” said Kerry Turpin, who lives nearby. “I feel almost guilty not knowing about it beforehand.”
But the ceiling was okay, right?
Blow Job of the Week
Mum Horrified To Discover ‘Genitals’ On Inflatable Dinosaur Bought For Son’s Birthday
A horrified mum got more than she bargained for after buying an inflatable toy dinosaur for her son’s birthday, only to discover that the blow-up had a special ‘x-rated’ feature that look suitable for kids.
The mum had bought the toy dinosaur from a local store as part of the decorations for her son’s fourth birthday. Included in the $5.50 set was a pack of six latex balloons in black, red and orange, as well as the blue Tyrannosaurus Rex itself.
However, when it came to blowing up the latter, the mum made a startling discovery: it appeared to have genitals.
Yes, the makers of this particular inflatable in their wisdom had decided to place the nozzle that you need blow air through between its legs. If that wasn’t bad enough, the design was a blow up tube, giving it the appearance of, well, you can see for yourself in the pictures.
Thankfully the mum had decorated the rest of the room with a plethora of other dinosaur-related clobber, plates, napkins and cups – and she expertly arranged them to cover the Tyrannosaurus’ ‘Little Rex’.
She evidently saw the funny side of it too, posting and image in a Facebook group last Wednesday, and writing: “When you realise you were blowing it in more than one way”.
Horrified? She loved it.
The Other Blow Job of the Week
Norway Court Jails Four Over Compressed Air Rectum ‘Prank’
A Norwegian court on Tuesday jailed four young men who blasted compressed air into the rectum of an acquaintance, rejecting their defense that the act had been intended as a prank.
The victim had passed out at a party in 2018 and was unable to defend himself when five fellow revelers came up with the scheme involving an air compressor — a high-pressure tool that can be used to power anything from nail guns to spray guns.
Judges found that the plaintiff “was exposed to a level of significant force in the rectum after air was injected from a compressor, which damaged the rectum and sphincter,” the verdict seen by AFP on Tuesday said.
The victim later complained of both physical and psychological harm.
In their early 20s at the time of the incident, the five accused told the court it had been intended as a prank — common during parties thrown by their rural youth organization.
Four of them were sentenced to up to seven months in prison for violating the victim’s physical integrity or filming the scene and posting it on social networks, while the fifth was fined.
The plaintiff was also awarded 90,000 kroner ($10,000) in damages.
Remind me not to party in rural Norway.
Social Justice of the Week
Meet the leader of ‘Big Tits Matter’
Antonina Davydova is a beautician from Moscow, studying to be a pharmacist. She likes to write standup comedy in her spare time. Despite her newfound following, there are still Russians who are critical of her ‘Big Tits Matter’ meme, claiming that it “uses breasts for self-promotion”.
“Let’s soak up the spirit of tolerance, comrades! Let’s breathe in deeply the air of equality! Those who are different from the common standard must be free of oppression.” This was the caption Antonina chose for her June 2020 ‘Big Tits Matter’ poster video on Instagram.
The idea for the photo (and the subsequent movement) came to her while discussing the Black Lives Matter movement in the United States with her friends.
“We came to the conclusion that every person with features that are distinct from the majority (be it skin color, sexuality, or any other physical feature) always ends up having them used as a social value yardstick. In this way, my ‘pronounced biological assets’ are likewise a trigger for people. My friends joked about me becoming the founder of an alternative movement for the rights of genetically ‘gifted’ women. And that is how that post materialized,” she remembers.
The riots would be better and there’s no hypocrisy with tit-on-tit crime.
Rolling Thunder of the Week
One-armed, schizophrenic roller-skater charged in stabbing rampage
A one-armed, schizophrenic roller-skater allegedly stabbed three bystanders during a psychotic rampage on wheels in the UK in which he thought his family was going to be killed by aliens, according to reports.
Benjamin Bridgeman is on trial on eight charges, including three counts of attempted murder, in the bizarre episode in Bristol on Feb. 25, local media reported.
Brandishing “the biggest kitchen knife” and with an expression like from a “horror film,” Bridgeman – who was born without an arm — is accused of unleashing the terrifying attack in the city’s Knowle area…
The defendant had stopped using marijuana for social anxiety a week before the wild incident, telling a psychiatrist a day before the attack that he believed “he was going to be taken away to be sacrificed,”…
Bridgeman, who has a history of obsessive compulsive disorder, said he believed the “the world was split into good people and bad people in battle with each other.”
Three men — two 26-year-olds and a 50-year-old — were injured in the rampage.
The one-legged man failed miserably in the ass-kicking contest but this guy was awesome in the Stab-athalon.
White Walker of the Week
Wife ‘walked in on her husband, 42, having incestuous sex with his mother, 64’
A 64 year-old mother and her 42 year-old son could be jailed after the son’s wife allegedly caught them having incestuous sex. Cheryl Lavoie and her son Tony Lavoie are said to have been caught in the illegal act at the home they both live in in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, in May this year.
Tony’s horrified wife called her cousin after stumbling on the encounter, and that cousin subsequently called police. Cheryl is said to have told detectives she’d grown closer to her biological son in recent months. Tony said that their incestuous tryst ‘had just happened’ after they’d started kissing one another.
Both Tony and Cheryl are said to have admitted having sex with one another during a subsequent interview, and insisted it was the first and only time they’d had an incestuous encounter. Tony is also said to have asked for psychiatric help…
The Lavoies face between two and a half and 20 years behind bars if convicted of incest.
Motherf*cker is just an expression, dude.
Caretaker of the Week
Incest mum who killed two sons was ‘loving, caring and competent mother’ report claims
A woman who murdered her two eldest children and plotted to kill the other four was seen by professionals as “a loving, caring and competent mother”, a serious case review (SCR) has found.
Incestuous couple Sarah Barrass, 35, and her half-brother Brandon Machin, 39,were jailed for life with a minimum 35 year term last year each for the murder of 13-year-old Tristan Barrass and his 14-year-old brother Blake.
The brutal killings took place at the home in the Shiregreen area of Sheffield.
Last year Sheffield Crown Court heard that the couple worked together to strangle the two teenagers before placing bin bags over their heads.
When Barrass and Machin were sentenced in November, the court heard how, a day before murdering Tristan and Blake, they had their sons as well as two more of their children, to take tablets gathered from around the family home.
The evil pair expected the mixture, which included prescribed ADHD medication, to kill all four of them.
When that failed, they killed Tristan and Blake before attempting to drown another child in the bath.
A judge was told that the mother-of-six was heard repeatedly making remarks such as “I gave you life, I can take it away” to the children.
Barrass had sought help from the local authority with the youngsters, texting a friend: “I’ve thought of every possible solution to this mess. Mass murder, putting them all in care, checking in to the local nut house.
The review published today (August 28) found that none of the practitioners or agencies who had contact with Barrass and her children would have had any cause to worry that the two boys would be in danger.
The report concluded there was “no evidence from this review process that any of the practitioners and agencies involved with the family could have predicted the actions taken by their parents, ” PA news agency reports.
It added: “This review has seen significant evidence of effective and caring practice with the children by all agencies involved with the family.”
“Brotherf*cker” is not an expression but “Crazy Bitch” sure is.
Earache of the Week
Extreme tattoo addict has his ears removed so his head looks like a skull
A tattoo addict has gone to the extremes and spent over £6,000 on body modifications.
The German bloke has even had his out ears removed to make his head look like a skull.
Sandro, from Finsterwalde, is known on social media as Mr Skull Face.
He’s spent the last 13 years have 17 modifications done to his body and claims it’s boosted his confidence.
Sandro, 39, first become interested in the world of body mod in 2007 when he saw someone on TV have spikes embedded in their head.
He went on to have implants inserted in his forehead, forearm, hand and even has a contactless payment chip embedded in his wrist.
Now, he’s undergone dangerous tongue splitting surgery and had both of his ears removed.
He keeps the grisly results in a jar where they are preserved.
Sandro commented: “Friends have tried to talk me out of the modifications, especially when it came to cutting off my ears, but I’m just a person who likes to go his own way.
“If people stare I really don’t care. If someone says something like ‘you are a sick old man’ then I will answer with ‘thank you for the compliment’.”
He claims that negative comments “go in one side and out the other.”
Editor: Nope. You need ears for that.
The extreme man also has dozens of tattoos and piercings.
He is currently unemployed and believes it could be because of his appearance.
He is also single and believes this could also be down to his looks.
But, despite this, he still loves his bizarre appearance.
And, he doesn’t plan to stop anytime soon.
Sandro’s next planned procedures are to have his eyeballs tattooed and the tip of his nose removed.
Say goodbye to earwax but onn the downside, he can no longer wear sunglasses.
WTF? of the Week
Celebrity politician accused of masterminding husband’s murder with five of the couple’s 55 kids
A gospel singer turned celebrity politician is accused of masterminding the brutal assassination of her husband – who was once her adopted son – with the help of five of the couple’s 55 children.
Brazil’s Flordelis dos Santos de Souza – a rags-to-riches celebrity whose story was documented in a popular film – is fighting to avoid jail over the 2019 murder.
Anderson do Carmo, 42, was discovered shot 30 times, mostly in the groin, in the garage of the family’s home in Rio de Janeiro in June that year.
His 59-year-old wife, known to her fans as Flordelis, claims he had been killed in a botched robbery – insisting she is devastated by her husband’s death and that she is innocent.
Flordelis met – and adopted – Mr Do Carmo in 1991 when he was 14 and she was 30, and they married in 1998 after becoming romantically involved.
The couple, both celebrities in Brazil, are understood to have adopted 51 children and had four of their own.
Flordelis began adopting children in 2015, after taking pity on youths whose lives were surrounded by violence in Rio’s infamously impoverished and crime-ridden streets.
This has all added to her status as a politician and celebrity of Christian values, and secured her place as a powerful and popular figure within Brazil’s conservative Social Democratic Party. In the 2018 general election she won 197,000 votes, the most achieved by a woman in the state of Rio de Janeiro.
But despite her popularity and her claims of innocence, prosecutors in Rio say they have now found evidence proving that Flordelis ordered the assassination of her husband.
Heavily armed police arrested five of her children and one granddaughter, but were unable to detain Flordelis since she enjoys parliamentary immunity.
Now police are calling on politicians to change the rules so they can arrest her.
They say she tried to poison her husband at least six times over several months before telling several children to stage a break-in at the family home and kill him.
Investigators say the motive was financial and the result of a power struggle within the family. They described a vicious family feud in which Flordelis’ husband blocked her from giving “preferential treatment” to her favourite children.
The reports include claims she wanted to kill her husband because she thought divorce ungodly, leaving her with no choice.
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t separate from him because that would scandalise the name of God,” she allegedly said in a message to one of her children.
But shooting him 30 times in the groin is within the teachings of the church?
