With lockdowns, stay-at-home-orders, and sheer WTF?, the coronavirus gave liberals a new way to ruin Thanksgiving this week. Here’s some other WTF? that ruined everything:
Headline of the Week
Error Leaves Customers Ordering Takeaways From The ‘Anus Kitchen’
A takeaway in London has gone viral after a slight mishap with its menu left the name reading ‘Anus Kitchen’ rather than ‘Anu’s Kitchen’.
People online have been in stitches since someone spotted the error on a leaflet used to advertise the Indian takeaway on the delivery site Foodhub.
Sharing the blunder to their Facebook page, the eagle-eyed diner wrote: “Why punctuation is important.”
The advert reads: “Anus Kitchen is now available on Foodhub.co.uk.
Anu’s website hasn’t escaped either, with a similarly amusing omission also having been spotted there, too.
Where it should say ‘Anu’s Party Package’, it sadly reads ‘Anus Party Package’, which has a decidedly different ring to it.
It’s Indian food. There was no error.
Mom of the Week
Woman escapes after chopping off one-year old son’s genitals
Police in Kiambu County are searching for a woman who is alleged to have chopped off the private parts of her son aged one-year and eight months under unclear circumstances.
According to the child’s father, who reported the matter at Tigoni Police Station, the woman identified as Winnie Mutheu fled after committing the act at Kamandura village.
A neighbour to the family reported that the woman told her she disposed the child’s genital in a pit latrine before she fled.
Confirming the incident, Tigoni OCPD Mwaniki Ireri said baby boy is admitted at Kijabe hospital in critical condition.
George Ngugi, a children’s officer, said that they will work hand-in-hand with the police to ensure the woman is apprehended.
Did she f*ck up Mother’s Day for the rest of her life, or what?
Name of the Week
Austrian village named F–king to change name after unwanted tourist attention
The residents of a tiny Austrian village named F–king have voted to change its name after enduring unwanted attention from English-speaking tourists.
Come next year, the village of 100 residents near the German border will be named Fugging.
“I can confirm that the village is being renamed,” Andrea Holzner, the mayor of Tarsdorf, the municipality where the village is located, told regional daily Oberoesterreichische Nachrichten.
“I really don’t want to say anything more — we’ve had enough media frenzy about this in the past,” she said.
English-speaking tourists have increasingly flocked to F–king for a photo-op next to an entrance sign bearing the village’s name.
Some even capture themselves striking lewd poses in front of the marker for social media.
Signposts have also reportedly been stolen, prompting authorities to install new ones with concrete to deter thefts.
I wonder if F*cking, Austria’s sister city is Mianus, Connecticut. That would be Fugging hilarious.
Rotten Prick of the Week
John Lydon suffers flea bite on his willy after letting squirrels into his LA home
Never mind the b******ks… Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten has suffered a flea bite on his manhood.
The punk rocker befriended a bunch of squirrels at his Venice Beach home in Los Angeles – but their parasites have started attacking him.
Johnny, 64, said: “I looked down there this morning at my willy and there’s a f***ing flea bite on it.
“And there’s another one on the inside of my leg.”
The Anarchy In The UK singer has been lathering himself in Vaseline to ease his discomfort.
He said: “The bites, wow, last night was murder because of it. The itching too. It’s such a poxy thing to get caught out on.
“The only way around it, because I’m not going to blame the poor little squirrels, is to Vaseline my legs.
“I just hope they don’t get the wrong idea.”
But he added: “I’m determined to keep my squirrel friends independent, y’know.
“There’s no petting. If they want to nudge up that’s fine, but I know it’s for a peanut and not because I’m lovely.”
Rotten, real name John Lydon, said he spent a fortune on having bags of unsalted shelled peanuts delivered to his home just for the squirrels.
The former music hellraiser added: “Wow, do they love me for that.
“I’m definitely spending a lot of money on these little f***ers.”
This is what happens when you use your sex pistol as a squirrel gun.
Pearl Necklace of the Week
Sandra Bullock swears by a skincare treatment that she lovingly calls a “penis facial” and there’s no denying that it’s definitely kept her looking youthful. During a 2018 appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the talk show host grilled the actor about the specifics, wondering why Bullock referred to it as a penis facial.
“The facial includes a cleanse, followed by an intensive TCA peel, micro-needling machine and an electrifying mask to calm the skin, followed by [Georgia Louise’] ‘secret box’ of EGF serum (Epidermal Growth Factor) …[which] is derived from the progenitor cells of the human fibroblast taken from Korean newborn baby foreskin,”…
DeGeneres was interested in the specifics of the procedure based on the name Bullock gave it. The talk show host’s line of questioning presented the actor with a problem, however — how to describe it without sounding too … gross.
“It’s this way in which one forces, through micro-needling — it’s like a little roller with these … many of you know it,” Bullock started to explain. “It pushes through the skin and ruptures the collagen and you look like a burn victim for a day, but then it pushes …”
“What are you pushing into the skin, Sandra?” DeGeneres asked, wanting Bullock to share the graphic details.
Bullock attempted to explain it delicately. “Well, you push in whatever the facialist would like to insert into your pores,” she said. “It is an extraction from a piece of skin that came from a young person far, far away …”
She continued, “… and they somehow figured out how to extract —”
Degeneres interrupted, in an effort to cut to the chase. “It’s foreskin from a Korean baby,” she said. “That’s what it is! Who comes up with this?”
Bullock defended the beauty choice, however. “It’s not like I’m lying there with little pieces all over my face,” she said.
As a lesbian, Degeneres prefers a micro-clit labia-infused beaver scrub.
Bomb of the Week
Big W’s candy cane bath bomb accidentally looks like a penis
A shopper has been stopped in her tracks while busy shopping for Christmas presents at Big W.
While ticking things off her gift list, the Aussie shopper stumbled on a rather mysterious looking $2 candy cane bath bomb at the bargain retailer. A candy cane that looked more like a man’s penis than the popular Christmas treat!
Having a cheeky giggle during her shop, the woman couldn’t help herself and took to social media to share her find.
“If anybody’s looking for bath bombs… I think Big W might have got their candy cane a bit wrong,” she shared in the Big W Mums Australia Facebook group.
And she wasn’t the only one who got a kick out of the accidental X-rated nature of what should’ve been a candy cane.
“OMFG this is gold!!!,” one shopper commented.
“I found it and was like ‘what is that – that’s not what I think it is,’ grabbed it was like ‘OH it’s a candy cane!’” another shopper, who also spotted the product in-store, added.
Another joked: “Brings new meaning to the term ‘stocking stuffer’”.
While many shoppers were keen to venture into Big W to find the candy cane for a cheeky adult Kris Kringle present, some shared the bad news that the item was recalled by the retailer shortly after discovering the mistake.
“This got recalled today,” a shopper shared.
Another chimed in: “Bad news everyone, they have been taken off the shelves. I just got home from Big W.”
They pulled out the penis?
Stool Sample of the Week
ALDI’s X-rated fail with Special Buys item
With so many cheeky minds hunting for a bargain, retailers like Big W and Kmart are never safe with items that could pass as something X-rated.
Even ALDI was recently put under the spotlight for a mysterious stool being sold as part of their weekly Special Buys event abroad.
A photo of a very peculiar item on offer surfaced online and had people scratching their heads.
The photo, believed to have been taken at ALDI in Spain, showed a stylish, fluffy grey stool that looked like a simple ottoman. But according to the label, it was meant for something much more scandalous.
‘Blow job stool,’ the packaging read in a simple, sensible font.
The photo was sent to an Aussie ALDI shopper by a relative overseas who found it too funny not to share – and many local shoppers did find it hilarious.
“I told my husband to buy it. If a stool can do that, it’s a worthy investment,” one shopper shared in the Facebook group ‘Rock Star Mums Drinking Champagne’.
Does she realize that the blow job stool makes her obsolete?
Call of the Wild of the Week
Scarlett Wild, 29, threw a punch at the cop but missed and fell over.
Manchester Crown Court heard that Wild had initially called police to Ashton New Road, Manchester on February 16 claiming she had been assaulted by “number of men”.
Officers were met by Wild and her partner, and offered to drive them home.
But Wild later became aggressive with her partner during the journey, prompting police to put her in the cage in the back of the van.
Her partner left to diffuse the situation but Wild continued to shout, screaming at officers to “f*** off”.
Police warned Wild she could be arrested and she attempted to escape – but slipped and fell over on wet grass.
Despite offering to help her up, Wild kicked one officer in the groin and spat at him, Manchester Evening News reports.
Prosecutor Alexandra Sutton told the court: “She realised her partner had left and began to scream and swear, she told them to ‘f*** off’ and called them ‘c***’.
“When the officers told her she would be arrested, she said ‘I don’t care, f*** off’.
“She then appeared to throw a punch before attempting to make off, but slipped on the wet grass.
“As the officer attempted to help her up, she kicked out at him and hit him in the leg and testicles.
“She then spat at him and the spit landed on his leg. He told her to stop or she would be arrested and she said: ‘f*** off, I will spit at you’.”
Talk about living up to a name.
Tip of the Week
Woman steals tip jar, kicks business operator in the genitals while trying to flee
A Salt Lake City woman was taken into custody Wednesday after allegedly stealing a tip jar of money from a business operator and then kicking him in the genitals while trying to escape.
According to a probable cause statement, Antwanaia Le King was located by police a short distance from the robbery and had been followed by witnesses from the scene. Officers observed her trying to conceal cash money into her pockets.
She was arrested and refused to identify herself to officers when asked, according to a police affidavit. The business operator visually identified King as the person who had stolen his money and kicked him.
She was being taken to a patrol car in handcuffs and kicked two separate uniformed patrol officers in the legs, causing pain to both officer’s legs, the affidavit stated.
How’d anyone identify this as a woman?
Twist of the Week
Woman Stabs SW Florida Man in Attempt to Take His Wife: Police
Police say a woman drove from Maine to Southwest Florida and stabbed a man inside of his tome in an effort to run away with the victim’s wife.
NBC affiliate WBBH-TV reports the incident took place this past weekend in Venice, where 27-year-old Alana Gibson drove because she wanted to be with the woman who was a former co-worker.
A police report says Gibson broke through a window at the home and used a machete to stab the man multiple times, telling investigators she chose not to use a bow and arrow she brought because she didn’t want to hit the victim’s wife by accident.
Gibson was able to get away from one of the victim’s roommates and led police on a chase into Charlotte County, where she was detained and confessed to the crime.
The male victim, who was not identified, was taken to a hospital in Sarasota and survived his injuries.
No word on what charges Gibson, who is transgender, will face at this time.
M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t have written a better surprise ending.
Pair of the Week
You Can Now Buy A Face Mask Shaped Like A Pair Of Testicles
A man has devised an hilarious way to keep people safe from catching viruses by creating a face mask that looks like a pair of testicles.
It’s called – perhaps unsurprisingly – the BallBag mask and it’s going to turn both heads and stomachs as you wander down the street wearing one.
However, despite what you might think, the creator has found himself overwhelmed with orders from people wanting to grab his testicle face coverings.
They’ve been made by a dude called Will – though he goes by Billy – from Blackpool, and he is aiming to protect people from airborne germs as well as bringing a bit of much needed levity to the world in these wretched times.
Of course, the first thing that you’ll notice is that the masks are incredibly realistic. They’ve been made from silicone that is safe for your skin, and can be modified to match your own individual skin tone.
Product designer Billy has already sold out of the first batch of b*****k masks, but he’s already working flat out to make sure that others are available to those who want them.
See, I’d actually pay money to not have balls on my chin.
Cheater of the Week
Nappanee man faces bestiality charge
In Elkhart County, a man is facing a felony bestiality charge after police allegedly discovered he was having sexual intercourse with a horse.
Our reporting partners at The Times Union say police were dispatched to a home in Nappanee back on Sept. 5 after the owner said he saw a man walking around his property.
Police then found 40-year-old Kevin Hochstetler in the horse barn on the property, naked.
According to court documents, Hochstetler told police he was committing adultery on the horse.
Dudes who fuck horses aren’t married, so this was a lie.
Vag of the Week
Wife, 66, ‘stabbed herself in vagina then blamed it on husband she shot dead’
A 66 year-old murder suspect stabbed herself in her own vagina to try and make it look like she’d killed her husband in self-defense, police say. Linda Doyle was arrested Tuesday over the July 2019 death of her husband James Doyle, 71, in Foley, Alabama, after a grand jury formally accused her of murder.
Doyle claims she shot her husband dead after being stabbed multiple times in her vagina and abdomen as she slept. She said the shooting was an act of self-defense. But prosecutors insist she actually stabbed herself in an elaborate set-up designed to give her an excuse to kill James.
The alleged killer wife dialed 911 on the evening of James’ killing, saying she’d been in a violent fight with her husband. Emergency responders found both sprawled on the floor of their home…
James was pronounced dead shortly afterwards. His wife was airlifted to University Hospital in Foley, Alabama, to receive treatment for her stab wounds. Neighbors told Fox10 the Doyles were quiet and ‘really nice,’ and that there was no indication their home was a violent one.
Really nice except for all the shooting and vag stabbing, that is.
Team of the Week
A district chief with the San Antonio Fire Department asked if a female applicant had big breasts and described a room of women at a promotional event ‘like a damn lesbian softball team,’ according to a sworn complaint filed against him and another SAFD supervisor last fall.
District Chief Douglas Berry was suspended for the 2018 comments in September, SAFD suspension records released last week confirm.
In August 2018, the female firefighter informed Berry that her friend was interested in applying for a position at the South Texas Fusion Center, “an office that Chief Berry directly oversees,” according to the complaint.
After the female firefighter asked if Berry could put in a good word for her friend, Berry asked, “yeah but does she have?” and then put both of his hands in front of his chest, indicating he was asking if she had big breasts,” the complaint states.
“It bothered me that all he cared about in his hiring process was the size of a women’s breasts,” the female firefighter wrote.
A month later, in September 2018, while Berry prepared for a boxing tournament he was taking part in he told a story about a promotional event he recently attended, the complaint states.
“He said he thought more people would be there, but when he got there he realized it was only him and ‘a room full of fat chicks.’ ‘It looked like a damn lesbian softball team,’ were his exact words. As a lesbian, I usually don’t get offended by jokes but this was insulting, degrading and judgmental and I was extremely bothered by it,” the complaint states.
Yeah, lesbians are totally known for their ability to not be easily offended.
Excuse of the Week
WW2 veteran, 97, ‘sobbed about dead wife before groping women’s breasts’
Former Royal Marine Richard Staves, 97, targeted the women in the same alleyway between June 2016 and February 2018, a jury was told.
He is accused of groping their breasts and thighs while trying to kiss them. A court heard one victim was so shaken she changed her route to work.
Another said she was pinned against a wall as he rubbed his penis on her and tried to kiss her, while a third victim described him touching her vagina.
The fourth victim said he repeatedly groped her while the fifth said she fled in tears after he grabbed her and tried to kiss her.
The prosecution claimed Staves would tell his victims sob stories about his dead wife and say how lonely he was to build up their trust before sexually assaulting them.
But taking to the witness stand, Staves said he should be found innocent as he was no longer interested in sex at his age and was just being overfriendly.
The defendant told the court he felt lonely after the death of his wife and would speak to women who walked in Prison Lane in Exeter, Devon.
He claimed he sometimes held on to their arms or shoulders for support to walk up the steep lane near his home, but denied any touching was sexual.
He added: ‘I conversed with anybody. I am very old-fashioned. I touch them in a friendly way. I used no force. That would be completely against my nature.
‘I may have put an arm around their shoulder in a friendly manner. I don’t recall touching any breasts.
‘I may have kissed them, but if so, it was a friendly peck on their left cheek. I might have been over friendly with a woman who I sat with on a bench at the bottom of the lane but it was not for a sexual reason.
‘I probably put my hand on her leg to emphasise something.’
He’s 97-years-old and his aim ain’t what it used to be. This next guy however was spot-on:
Chucker of the Week
City official, angered when asked to wear a mask, throws own feces
Case in point is Yasunobu Yukumoto, a member of the Akaiwa City Council in Okayama Prefecture. While visiting a health center on 4 November, he was asked by staff to put on a mask while inside the building. This caused him to shout “I don’t need a mask, because I’m not talking!”
Perhaps realizing that he just did the complete opposite of what he said, he then took a page from the non-verbal communication of the noble chimpanzee and proceeded to throw his own feces in anger.
However, before you go thinking he has the ability to produce poop on command so that it could be used as a weapon, he was at the medical center to drop off a stool sample and just happened to have it in his hand at the time.
Once again shouting, “I don’t need a mask to drop off a sample,” he hurled it at a nearby desk. Reports are unclear whether or not this compromised the tube and bag holding his waste matter.
After that, the 73-year-old councilman went out to his car, got a mask, put it on, then returned to the building and shouted “These young punks!” at his constituents.
He literally lost his shit.
Doll of the Week
Plastic surgery addict quadruples breast size to get ‘perfect Bimbo Barbie’ look
Cathy, 29, who works as a cam girl and model, has had numerous lip fillers and boob jobs to create a Barbie-like figure.
Cathy began having surgery several years ago
She explained: “I have changed my appearance to look more feminine, more doll-like and to become perfect like a Barbie doll.
“I love perfectionism. I have increased the size of my breasts and my lips.”
She continued: “I’ve injected hyaluronic acid several times into my cheeks, chin, jawline and corrected my nose.
“My breasts used to be very small before, I was an A cup, unfortunately.
“Now I’m proud to have 1050cc implants in my breasts and I’m an 80E cup.”
Cathy has increased her boobs to four times their original size in her quest for “perfection.”
The only way she achieved perfection is if Barbie were a tranny.
Ass of the Week
Wallet Saves Man’s Buttocks In Mira Mesa Restaurant Shooting
A 29-year-old man is alive and well today after his wallet stopped a bullet, sparing him the pain of being shot in the buttocks Friday night in Mira Mesa.
The man was dining at the Crab hut restaurant at 8280 Mira Mesa Blvd. shortly after 9 p.m. when a drive-by shooting occurred, according to the San Diego Police Department. Several rounds were fired toward the restaurant from the passing vehicle. One of the bullets struck the man in the buttocks area, but his wallet stopped the bullet and he was not injured, said Officer Robert Heims of the San Diego Police Department.
Say what you will about the high interest rates but the Capitol One Kevlar Card has some great benefits.
WTF? of the Week
Busty Scots squirrel goes viral for its giant ‘breasts’ in hilarious picture
A busty Scots squirrel has gone viral for its giant ‘boobs’.
Photograper Martin Brown captured the hilarious picture at Tentsmuir National Nature Reserve in Fife yesterday.
He shared the post on social media which raked in thousands of likes over the squirrels unusual assets.
Martin said: “Dropped in here today to see if I could get a few squirrel shots.
“Are these the only squirrels in Scotland with access to cosmetic surgery.”
Punters were left in stitches over the picture and were quick to reply their thoughts in the comments.
One person said: “That beautiful wee squirrel has boobs.”
A second person said: “yir squirrels got t***.”
Another said: “Squoobs.”
A forth person joked: “I think that’s what happens when you swallow the nuts.”
Now you know why Johnny Rotten likes f*cking the squirrels.
