Simon & Schuster canceled Republican Senator Josh Hawley’s book because he wanted an accurate vote tally from the 2020 presidential election. Hunter Biden, made a fortune off of peddling his family name, banged his underage cousin, and smoked a lot of crack, some of which will be the subject of his new book being released by a Simon & Schuster imprint. This announcement comes just days after Papa Biden swore that no member of his family would benefit financially from his illegitimate presidency.
The AP reports:
Hunter Biden, son of President Joe Biden and an ongoing target for conservatives, has a memoir coming out April 6.
The book is called “Beautiful Things” and will center on the younger Biden’s well publicized struggles with substance abuse, according to Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster. Acquired in the fall of 2019, “Beautiful Things” was kept under wraps even as Biden’s business dealings became a fixation of then-President Donald Trump and others during the election and his finances a matter of investigation by the Justice Department.
Hunter’s crack-smoking exploits wasn’t the only thing under wraps during the election. The aforementioned investigation into his tax fraud and money laundering schemes was also buried as well as any mention of his laptop full of incriminating evidence.
Speaking of laptops, The NY Post who broke the story and then was silenced by social media and the rest of the press did a really funny parody of Hunter’s new book. Here’s an “excerpt” The NY Post said was, “found on a laptop Computer abandoned in the Champagne room at Ba-Da-Bing’s on Route 1 outside Wilmington, Del.”
Chapter 1
Some of you are wondering why I called this memoir “Beautiful Things” instead of, say, “Ukrainian Business for Dummies,” or “Not the Good Son — the Other One.” Some joker even told me I should have called it “Ten Easy Ways to Secure Your Laptop” (No. 1: don’t go on a binge and forget you left it in a repair shop for a year.)
Ha, ha! Inside joke. You probably don’t know what I’m talking about, because Dad’s media team is also known as “the media.” They fixed it so only one news organization in the country mentioned my laptop. Those jerks at The Post should have known you don’t mess with the B Team. I mean, Team B. I didn’t mean to suggest the Obamas were the A Team and that we’re this pathetic pile of janky political leftovers, like when you go in the carpet store and there’s this dusty corner marked “Remnants.” Sure, the last First Lady is super-glamorous and hangs out with Beyoncé and went to Harvard Law School and all that but — did you know my stepmom is a doctor? Not the kind you can get a Vicodin prescription from, unfortunately. (I asked.)
I’m calling this book “Beautiful Things” because I’ve wised up. I’m no longer a 30-year old scoundrel, coke fiend and influence peddler. Now that I’m a 51-year-old scoundrel and influence peddler, I’ve learned to appreciate some of the finer things. Yes, smoking crack and knocking up strippers have their place in my heart, but these days beauty is something that’s become more important. Have you ever seen a 2.8-carat diamond that’s worth $80,000? Really sparkly. It’s a Beautiful Thing.
Too funny. There’s actually much more and you should check it out.
It’s a shame that’s a parody and not Hunter’s actual memoir, because it would be infinitely more readable. You know he’s not going to say anything about Ukraine, China, money laundering, fathering a love-child with a stripper, or explain those naked pictures he took with his underage cousin, AKA the only things anyone would be interested about him.
I haven’t read the book, nor will I, but I guarantee that it goes like this: In a moment of weakness Hunter became addicted to drugs but thanks to his loving supporting family, he kicked his habit and is now captain awesome.
Nobody wants to read that, but the book will become a #1 best seller because The New York Times will just say it is based on nothing. Also, I’m sure Papa Joe will arrange for his network of conspirators to buy it in bulk to make the numbers look respectable.
