The Biden administration is considering a Florida travel ban as a way to punish Republicans. The move won’t do a damn thing to stop the spread of COVID-19 but it will deprive the world of “Florida Man” stories, which The Week in WTF? relies on. Here’s some Florida Man-heavy and Florida Man-inspired WTF? while it’s still available.
Florida Man of the Week
Florida man arrested after exposing himself to cars claiming he was “protesting civil rights”
Police in Palm Harbor, Florida received several calls last Monday afternoon about a man potentially exposing himself to passersby on a road filled with heavy-traffic. When they arrived at the scene in question, they found just that.
Police found 23-year-old Riley Cushman who…was bottomless and exposing himself to traffic. When police questioned him, Cushman said he “protesting for civil rights by showing his penis to traffic, but was now finished and wanted to go home.”
Unfortunately for Cushman, he was not able to go home quite yet, as he was arrested for exposure of sexual organs.
White Dicks Matter!
Florida Woman of the Week
Drunk Florida woman stabs sister with EpiPen because she’s ‘allergic to drunks’
A Florida woman was arrested Thursday after allegedly stabbing her sister with an EpiPen multiple times claiming to be allergic to drunks and hoping the injection would sober her up, police said.
Joanna Zielinksi, 62, is facing a domestic battery charge after the incident…
Police responded to a home on 11 Street SW in Naples around 10:30 p.m. after someone called 911 from the area and hung up the phone.
Officers connected with a woman who said she was drinking alcohol with her sister, Joanna, before falling asleep on the couch leaving Joanna to drink more alone and take drugs…
The woman said Joanna ‘went crazy’ and attacked her with an EpiPen stabbing her multiple times before calling 911.
Police asked Joanna why she called police and she responded saying “I’m allergic to drunks, so I injected her with the EpiPen so she wouldn’t be drunk anymore; what’s the big deal?” according to the Naples Police Department.
She’s also allergic to hygiene and sanity.
Michigan Man of the Week
Michigan man killed by cannon shrapnel at baby shower
A 26-year-old Michigan man was killed over the weekend by an explosion at a baby shower, according to police.
Michigan State Police said a Genesee County homeowner fired a small cannon-like device during the shower Saturday evening. The cannon blew up and sent shrapnel flying into three parked vehicles and a garage where guests were congregated, striking the victim, who has been identified as Evan Thomas Silva, police said.
The cannon, which was like a signal cannon usually used as a novelty item, was bought at an auction by the homeowner, who had fired it several times prior to the event, police said.
The cannon is designed to create a big flash, a loud noise and smoke and did not contain projectiles, according to police. But investigators believe “the gun powder loaded into the device caused the cannon to fracture, resulting in shrapnel being spread in the area.”
Baby shower becomes shrapnel shower.
McNugget Man of the Week
McDonald’s customer horrified after discovering penis-shaped chicken piece
A penis-shaped chicken select from McDonald’s left a dad digging beneath the breadcrumbs before taking a bite.
Rich Greene, 47, got an eye-popping surprise when he returned home from his local drive-thru to discover the contents of his £5.89 Chicken Select Meal.
Not about to ignore the alarm bells ringing inside his head, Rich admits he had to check his meal was in fact chicken and not what it hilariously resembled.
The dad-of-two from Street, Somerset joked that his immediate concern was for the welfare of the fast-food chain’s famous mascot, Ronald McDonald.
Construction worker Rich said: “I was with my daughter and we fancied a McDonald’s so we went through the drive-thru.
“When I got home and opened the box I was confronted with what looked like Mr McDonald.
“I don’t really know what to say because it really does look like a particular something. I haven’t seen Ronald in a while so I hope he’s doing OK.”
Fortunately for Rich and Mr McDonald, the breaded meat did on closer inspection turn out to be as sold, chicken.
Chickens don’t have lips but apparently they have dicks.
Florida Nose of the Week
Florida man threw woman onto bed, smelled her to check for cheating
A Florida man is accused of throwing a woman onto a bed, then smelling her to see whether she had cheated on him, authorities said.
Walter Medina, 34, of Pensacola, was arrested Thursday and charged with two charges of battery and one charge of sexual assault, according to Escambia County online booking records.
According to an arrest report, the victim said Medina confronted her at about 1 p.m. Thursday and accused her of cheating on him…
After an argument, the victim told police that Medina wanted to verify her alleged infidelity…
The victim claimed Medina threw her onto the bed, removed her pants and underwear and began smelling her private area…
Medina left the residence, and when he returned later that night, he allegedly struck the victim, according to the police report.
According to Median, she had possibly cheated on him with a yeast infection.
Naples Man of the Week
Drunk Naples man takes “Karate stance” at police, flirts with door
Naples Police arrested a drunk man who was causing a public disturbance on Thursday.
According to the Naples Police Department, an officer found John S. Forszpaniak on 5th Ave S making sexual gestures toward the glass door of a building. He was extremely intoxicated, sweating and slurring his words.
While speaking with Forszpaniak, officers were contacted by an off duty officer who had already had an encounter with the drunk man.
The officer said Forszpaniak walked up to the him and his family while taking a karate stance for no apparent reason. When they tried to walk away, he followed, being aggressive.
Forszpaniak then hid in an alley and jumped out at people, trying to scare them.
When EMS arrived to evaluate Forszpaniak, he was aggressive toward them as well. According to law enforcement he was “using obscene language and making unreasonable noise.”
He was charged with disorderly intoxication and public disturbance.
Kicking ass and f*cking doors since ’98.
Nairobi Man of the Week
Man dies with condom on his manhood
Police in Nyandarua are investigating an incident where a man died while receiving treatment at a local hospital after he was rushed into the facility from a lodging where he works as a watchman.
According to the Police report seen by Nairobi News, the incident was reported to Olkalou police station by Edith Wairimu, who is an employee of the lodging.
Police rushed to the scene and moved him to JM Kariuki hospital where he was pronounced dead.
“She immediately reported to Ol Kalou police station and officers rushed to the scene together with DCI nyandarua central officers. Arrangements were made to take him to hospital and ambulance was called, and he was rushed to JM Kariuki hospital where he was later pronounced dead,” the police report reads in parts.
The man’s body was taken to the hospital’s morgue awaiting autopsy.
There’s nothing in that article to support the headline.
Florida Fist of the Week
Florida man arrested for punching his girlfriend for changing channel during Super Bowl
A 55-year-old man in Florida with a history of misogynistic violence has been arrested for punching his girlfriend in the face for changing the channel during the Super Bowl, according to a report.
Thomas White, who has a previous felony conviction for battery on a pregnant victim, was charged with felony battery for intentionally hitting her against her will and leaving “great bodily harm.”
Alachua County Sheriff deputies found blood droplets on the ground and on the wall as well as the victim with cuts on her face and chin, a bloody nose and a swollen wrist and hand.
White told police that he was angered by the victim “running her mouth,” and he was reacting in self-defense after his girlfriend allegedly slapped him and swung at him.
Police said White had no visible injuries and his self-defense claim was “not consistent with physical evidence.”
No evidence? Then what caused that weird thing on his face and the dead eye?
California Man of the Week
‘Put all the chicken in the bag’: Man steals food at gunpoint from California restaurant
A customer, who allegedly got upset when asked to put on a face mask inside a California restaurant, pulled out a gun and stole some chicken.
Police said the man walked into a Roscoe’s House of Chicken & Waffles in Pasadena, located about 10 miles north of Los Angeles, Wednesday evening. A cashier asked him to put on a face covering as required by local health orders.
“He said, ‘Why don’t you come over here and tell me to my face,’” said Robert Gonzalez, a cook at the restaurant. “And he told him again, ‘Just put a mask on,’ and then that’s when he got mad and pulled out a gun.”
The man then went back toward the kitchen, where Gonzalez said the man pointed a gun at him.
“He said, pointing the gun at me, pretty much said, ‘Put all the chicken in the bag,'” Gonzalez recalled.
There was plenty of chicken in the kitchen but no bag. So, the suspect grabbed a couple of takeout orders that had already been prepared while the employees ran out the back of the building.
This will do nothing to dispel the stereotypes.
Canada Woman of the Week
Model who wants ‘world’s fattest vagina’ shares snap of herself without fillers
A model has completely transformed her appearance with the help of plastic surgery.
The 24-year-old Canadian, who calls herself Mary Magdalene, has used 3000cc expanders to give herself XL cleavage.
She’s also on a mission to get the “world’s fattest vagina” so has been getting injections “down there”.
But the most noticeable change to her appearance has to be in her face.
Mary regularly gets lip fillers so she can achieve a “blow up doll” look.
On Instagram, she admitted she wants “an open mouth that never closes” and a lips that are so big they touch the tip of her nose.
In total, Mary has spent £85,000 on her surgery transformation.
She seems to have no regrets about how she’s changed her appearance over the years.
The plastic surgery fan told Dazed: “Surgery has turned into my brand.
“Everyone knows me for my plastic surgery, I just go with it and it has become a lifestyle and a hobby for me.
Getting lip and vagina injections are not what they mean by the carpet matching the curtains.
Florida Mask of the Week
Fetish models are selling vagina-scented masks and charge double if stained with urine
There really is no crisis so great that someone can’t make an opportunity out of it.
And, for the women (and a few men) who sell their used knickers on fetish sites like Snifffr and All Things Worn, the pandemic has opened a whole new possibility: facemasks that smell of their intimate areas.
The facemasks, typically disposable surgical masks, are kept inside the seller’s underwear or in another intimate spot for long enough to pick up a scent before being sold on the site for up to $250 (about £180).
They’re often sold in conjunction with private photos showing the seller naked, or just with the mask on.
One seller, who uses the name Laceysniffs, told Vice: ”A lot of my clientele fetishise scents, so being able to have a mask full of my fragrances pressed tightly in their face, and being able to deeply inhale my scents, can be a highly euphoric and erotic experience for some.”
She says that she used to sell used socks, but started selling facemasks a few months ago due to public demand.
If a mask has just been pressed against her body for 24 hours she charges $5 (just under £4) but the price doubles if she’s urinated on it, she says.
Another seller, who goes under the name Sidney77 Tan Lines on the Reddit used panties forum, has been selling used masks for about three months.
She says buyers like her masks because ” they can share something very private and intimate with me right out in the open, in public.”
In her ad, she writes: “How about I spice your mask up a bit? You can go anywhere in the world and have a dirty little secret. Your mask looks ordinary, but little do they know, the inside of your mask smells like my p***y!”
Something smells a little fishy about this business venture.
Gainesville Man of the Week
Gainesville man intentionally hit child’s mother with car at Walmart
A Gainesville man is facing attempted murder charges after hitting a woman with his car, according to an arrested report.
On Tuesday, Ricky Walker, 58, got into an argument with a woman at Walmart regarding money, according to the report. Walker and the woman previously lived together and have a 15-year-old son in common, who was with his mother at the time.
The victim and her son walked away following the confrontation, and Walker got into his car, according to the report. Walker then rammed the woman with his car in front of his son.
The victim’s son was adamant that Walker intentionally struck the woman, according to the report. The victim was transported to UF Health Shands with several fractures.
When questioned, Walker said he did not recall hitting anyone with his car, according to the report.
No Gainesville, no Painsville.
Ghana Woman of the Week
My boobs fell from my bra whiles crossing the road – Lady reveals
Joyce Addo, popularly referred to as Queen has revealed that her boobs fell from her brassiere while crossing a road and the reactions from bystanders were shocking.
In an interview with SVTV Africa’s DJ Nyaami, she indicated while running across the street, the weight of her boobs tore the bra straps.
“I felt so shy especially the comments from the taxi drivers and people around. I was wearing a dress too so it was visible. I heard comments you’ll kill us with your boobs, what is this? So I quickly jumped into a taxi and went home, ” Queen said.
Death by titties sound great in theory but…nope.
Florida Boobs of the Week
Move to allow women to bare breasts dies in tie vote
A proposal for Gainesville to possibly become one of the first cities in Florida to allow women to walk around topless in public is dead — for now.
A move to further study a change in city law that would allow women to go topless failed after a 3-3 vote.
Mayor Lauren Poe and Commissioners Reina Saco and Adrian Hayes-Santos voted for the plan. Those voting against were commissioners Harvey Ward, Gail Johnson and Gigi Simmons.
Commissioner David Arreola, who would have broken the tie, said he had car problems and was absent from Thursday afternoon’s meeting. Reached afterward, he declined to say how he would have voted.
The six commissioners did agree to have city staff study and bring recommendations for ways to “degenderize” the city code, removing pronouns like “he” and “she” and replacing them with gender-neutral terms.
Commissioner Hayes-Santos, who raised the idea to change the code, said the topless issue needs to be a part of the effort to make the overall code gender-neutral.
“This isn’t just about men and women being treated equally,” he said. “It is also about our transgender, gender-fluid and non-binary neighbors and how we treat them.”
The possible tie-breaking vote on a breast measure was a guy named ” Commissioner Arreola.”
Jersey Girl of the Week
New Jersey woman stole $600k from job, used money for butt augmentation surgery
Burlington County Prosecutor Scott Coffina and Cinnaminson Township Police Chief Richard A. Calabrese announced that a 41-year-old Maple Shade woman has been charged with stealing more than $600,000 from her Cinnaminson-based employer, SEA BOX, Inc., over a one-year period ending in December 2020.
Karen O’Brien, of the first block of South Church Road, was charged with Theft by Unlawful Taking (Second Degree) and Computed Related Activity for the Purpose of Executing a Scheme to Defraud (Second Degree). She was arrested yesterday following a motor vehicle stop in Gloucester City. In her possession when taken into custody was approximately $30,000 in cash.
The investigation revealed that over a 12-month period, O’Brien, who served as human resources manager, had used the company’s credit card for personal expenses totaling $614,499.
The investigation further revealed that O’Brien made several purchases of designer clothes, handbags, and other accessories from luxury stores such as Saks Fifth Avenue, Gucci, and Louis Vuitton, among others. She also used the company credit card to purchase airfare, rental cars and lodging accommodations for her and others to vacation in Puerto Rico, and even used it to pay for herself and a friend to undergo buttock augmentation procedures at a Las Vegas plastic surgery center.
Face augmentation would have been a better use of those embezzled funds.
Jihadi Man of the Week
Youth bites off man’s genitals during clashes at bar in Thrissur
A man who turned aggressive at a bar in Kunnathur bit off the genitals of a middle aged man. Punnookkavu valley native Sulaiman (55) was attacked by Perumbadappu native Shereef (28).
Later, police arrested Shereef. Sulaiman was admitted to Thrissur medical college and his genitals were reattached by an emergency surgery.
The incident took place on Saturday night. Shereef was violent as soon as he reached the bar. The auto taxi he was driving happened to hit against a car parked there and this ended up in clashes. Though the people tried to control Shereef, he kept attacking others several times.
Meanwhile, Shereef attacked Sulaiman and bit off his genitals. The bar owner and staff also sustained injuries when they were trying to control Shereef.
The police said that Shereef had unleashed violence under the influence of alcohol even earlier.
Islam is the religion of peace pieces of dick and balls.
Florida Felon of the Week
Florida man steals Amazon delivery van, arrested shortly after
According to deputies, on Wednesday, February 10, an Amazon delivery van was carjacked from a neighborhood near State Road 60, just east of Bartow.
The man deputies say is responsible, 22-year-old Mario Crawford of Bartow has been charged with carjacking without a weapon (F1), unarmed burglary (F2), grand theft (F3), possession of burglary tools (F3), resisting (M1), and wearing a mask in public (M2).
The delivery driver was in the back of his van for delivery on Kathy Road, when Crawford, who was wearing a ski mask, jumped into the driver’s seat and demanded that the victim get out of the vehicle. The victim complied.
Crawford then drove the van to Radford Road and abandoned it.
A resident who lives near the area where the van was abandoned flagged down a deputy and reported that someone he didn’t know had just entered his home. The deputy went to the man’s home and located Crawford inside a bathroom.
At the time of Crawford’s arrest, he was on probation for possession of a counterfeit check, forgery, uttering a forgery, and grand theft, so he was also charged for violation of probation by the PCSO.
Mario Crawford’s prior criminal history consists of 17 felonies and 12 misdemeanors, including charges of burglary, grand theft motor vehicle, aggravated battery, theft, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, dealing in stolen property, fraud, loitering/prowling, resisting trespassing, and possession of marijuana.
17 felonies by age 22? He better watch out for Florida’s 18 strikes you’re out law.
Alabama Man of the Week
Alabama man accused of cutting wife’s throat with circular saw
An east Alabama man is behind bars after authorities say he attacked his wife at their Wedowee home and used a circular saw to cut her neck and throat.
Kyle Young Waters, 35, is charged with attempted murder and domestic violence.
Court records made public this week chronicle the attack that happened on Feb. 3 in Randolph County.
Charging documents state that the couple on that night went out to dinner together.
Afterward, they went to a storage building behind their home where they had consensual sex on a mattress in a loft in the outbuilding, according to the documents.
While the victim was looking over the loft at the ground below, investigators stated, Waters pushed his wife out of the loft. She fell eight feet and landed on the cement floor.
Waters then jumped on his wife, according to authorities.
He allegedly banged her head repeatedly into the cement floor and then started stabbing her with shards of broken glass, records state. The victim tried to fight back and was able to get the glass shards from him.
That, police say, is when Waters grabbed a Ryobi circular saw, placed the blade on her neck and cut her throat. “There was an excessive amount of blood at the scene and on the saw,’’ according to the criminal complaint.
Investigators recovered the glass shards, which also were covered in blood. Waters, police said, had numerous injuries to his hands when he was taken into custody.
Randolph County sheriff’s investigators on Tuesday said the victim was hospitalized with life-threatening injuries. She underwent surgery and is expected to survive.
So the sex was no good?
Africa Man of the Week
Suspected ritualists behead Imo palm wine tapper, harvest genitals
A palm wine tapper in Ahaba village in Orodo Community in Mbaitoli council area of Imo State, Israel Iheanacho, has been beheaded by suspected ritualists in the area.
Iheanacho’s headless body was found Thursday morning by villagers attending morning mass in the community.
He was said to have been attacked and brutally killed along a bush part in Ahaba Orodo Community.
The killers suspected to be ritualists beheaded the victim and reportedly harvested some of his organs including his manhood.
The corpse was left along the bush path with the man’s bicycle beside his corpse.
A community source told our correspondent that the victim had gone to a nearby medicine shop in the community to buy drugs.
A source disclosed that while the victim was coming back, his killers waylaid him, pushed him into a bush, beheaded him and cut off his penis and scrotum.
The development had elicited outcry in the community as many had questioned why the palm tapper could be killed in such a pitiable manner.
The source said “Mr Israel Iheanacho, a Palm tapper in our community was on Tuesday night beheaded. His manhood was also taken away. This is very unfortunate.
After that, he won’t be tapping anything anymore.
Florida WTF? of the Week
Florida man killed hamsters to relieve stress and anger, authorities say
A Florida man killed at least eight hamsters in an effort to relieve stress and anger, investigators said.
The Collier County Sheriff’s Office said Christian Hunter, 21, severed the head of a hamster and left the remains of the mutilated animal in a blood-smeared box on the side of the road…
A resident found the box Jan. 5 and told detectives she had found several others over the last year with “sadistically mutilated” animals inside. The box also contained bloody wipes, an empty scissors package, a finger-nail file package and a receipt from a pet store.
The receipt indicated a short-haired hamster was purchased for $14.99 at 5:16 p.m. on Jan. 4. The sale was to a customer using a fake name and address, investigators said. Authorities obtained the surveillance video from the Lee County pet store and determined Hunter as the suspect. Investigators said Hunter admitted that he bought the hamster under a fake name. He also told detectives he killed the animal to relieve stress and anger…
During the investigation, detectives talked with the Lee County Animal Abuse Unit which had similar cases last year…In Lee County, investigators talked to Hunter in July 2020 after a hamster was found ripped into multiple pieces in the parking lot of a Petco pet store…At the time, Hunter told them his dog had attacked the hamster. After the latest incident, they reestablished Hunter as a suspect.
He was released from jail but was arrested Wednesday by Lee County Sheriff’s deputies and charged with aggravated animal cruelty, unlawful disposal of a dead animal and making a false statement to a law enforcement officer.
Hunter also is no longer allowed to buy animals.
That’s still not as bad as what Richard Gere does with hamsters. Or maybe that was gerbils. I don’t know the difference.
