When Texas froze and people died it was music to horrible liberals’ ears because they could blame it on both global warming and God punishing the state for supporting Trump. Here’s some much less awful music-related WTF? for your listening pleasure:
Hard Rock of the Week
A Roman millstone found near Cambridge was decorated with an engraving of a penis — an ‘image of strength and virility’ — archaeologists have revealed.
The millstone and others were uncovered three years ago during roadworks to improve a 21-mile stretch of the A14 between Cambridge and Huntingdon.
The finds came from the remains of a Roman villa located near the town of Godmanchester, a Highways England spokesperson told MailOnline.
However, the phallographic carving — which was made to give the millstone and its flour good luck and protection — was only recently identified by experts.
According to Highways England’s Archaeology lead for the A14, Steve Sherlock, the penis-decorated millstone is important as it ‘adds to the evidence for such images from Roman Britain.’
‘There were known associations between images of the phallus and milling, such as those found above the bakeries of Pompeii, one inscribed with Hic Habitat Felicitas — “You Will Find Happiness Here”,’ he explained.
‘The phallus was seen as an important image of strength and virility in the Roman world, with it being common practice for legionaries to wear a phallus amulet, which would give them good luck before battle.’
This gives the phrase “put your nose to the grindstone” a whole new meaning.
Heavy Metal of the Week
A Thai man has had to have a metal ring removed from around his penis by doctors after he tried to enlarge his member ahead of a Valentine’s Day date.
The man, who has not been named, was rushed to hospital in Bangkok after his penis began swelling uncontrollably.
He said he had been looking forward to meeting a woman for a Valentine’s date on Sunday and had wanted to impress her by enlarging his penis.
Having heard that rings could create the desired effect by forcing blood into the glands, he headed for his toolbox and dug out a suitable bit of kit.
He used baby oil to slide his penis into the nut but soon experienced problems. By the next day, his penis had started to swell and the man began experiencing pain.
Worse still, he found he was unable to remove the 3cm-wide nut from his appendage.
He eventually called emergency services on Saturday afternoon, having struggled with the problem since Friday morning. The team rushed the man to hospital.
Eye-wincing pictures show how medics had to use a metal-cutter to slice through the ring as the man clung to the bed rails in pain. After an hour, he was free.
‘I was terrified that I would need my penis amputated. It had swollen so much that I thought it would burst,’ the man said.
While he succeeded in enlarging it, there was no bang for his kok on Valentine’s Day.
Electronic Dance Music of the Week
Two Scots women accused of shoving batteries up man’s anus in brutal attack
Colette Kerr, 50, and Claire Buchan, 37, are accused of attacking the man in his East Lothian home in June 2019.
Prosecutors claims Kerr, from Whitecraig, and Buchan, from Prestonpans, both East Lothian, assaulted the man by seizing him by the clothing, pulling him to the floor and pulling down his lower clothing.
The women are alleged to have exposed the man’s buttocks and sexually penetrated him by repeatedly inserting batteries into his anus.
Court papers also allege the pair repeatedly kicked the man to the head and body, all to his injury, at his home address on June 4, 2019.
Kerr is also accused of stealing a wallet, a mobile phone and a bank card from the man’s home.
What a shocking case of sexual battery.
Reggae of the Week
Umm, Rapper Lil Nas X Has Boobs Now
Famous for his earworm track ‘Old Town Road’ featuring the one and only Billy Ray Cyrus, Lil Nas X became an overnight sensation.
He’s got a new song coming out titled ‘Call Me By Your Name’ and has taken a ‘creative’ angle to promote it.
The rapper posted a video of himself with boobs.
Well, that’s one way to get people talking about you!
We’re assuming he’s gone for some prosthetics or maybe a silicon breastplate commonly used by drag queens and gender illusionists but really, we hope he now understands all of the REAL side effects like back pain to go with those new assets!
Sorry, that should have read: “Reg-gay of the Week.” In any case, he will now be called “Lil NaNas X.”
Islands in the Stream of the Week
Joleen, from Detroit, Michigan, couldn’t believe her eyes when she was having a scroll around in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and discovered the saucy island.
The mum-of-two, who co-founded a Facebook group for Google Earth superfans, marked the coordinates of her startling discovery and shared it with other explorers, who found it hilarious and dubbed it “Penis Island”.
At more than 500 metres long, the X-rated find is located within the tropical Trinity Islands off the coast of French-owned New Caledonia, Oceania.
“I was looking around the Trinity Islands and it just popped up and I thought ‘wow, that really looks like an uncircumcised penis’,” Joleen said.
“I had to drop the pin on the map right away, so people know I didn’t just stick that image through Photoshop or create it myself.
“I shared it so people could pull up the coordinates and see it with their own eyes that it’s physically there and it really does look like a penis.
“The water looks blue and beautiful and I’d love the area to be closer to me.
“I’d love to go and travel there and sit on the d**k.
I’m looking for Vagina Island to plant my flag.
Earth Wind and Fire of the Week
Woman claims she was made pregnant ‘by gust of wind entering her vagina’
A woman has claimed she got pregnant by a gust of wind, reports in Indonesia say.
Police are investigating after Siti Zainah, 25, said she gave birth just an hour after realising she was expecting.
Her healthy baby girl was born last week in the town of Cianjur in West Java.
Siti told local media that she was in her living room when a gust of wind blew across her house, Times Now reports.
She reportedly said: “After afternoon prayer, I was lying face down, and then suddenly I felt a gust of wind enter my vagina.”
Just 15 minutes later, she said she began to experience pain in her stomach which started to expand.
Siti claimed she was rushed to a community health clinic, where she gave birth to her child.
Following the birth, cops visited Siti’s house to start their investigation.
A police spokeswoman said: “The point is that we want to straighten out the confusing news about the pregnant woman who gave birth in a way perceived to be unnatural.
“We don’t want this matter to foster wild rumours among the public.”
That’s not how a blow job works, lady.
Big Bopper of the Week
Woman with ‘world’s biggest lips’ boosts boobs by four sizes – but wants them bigger
A “real-life Barbie” who claims to have the “biggest lips in the world” has gone under the knife to supersize her boobs.
Andrea Ivanova, 22, from Sofia, Bulgaria is known for her big lips, having received more than 20 hyaluronic acid injections.
Now, the young woman has had a boob job to increase her breasts to an E cup – ad says she’ll do “anything” to achieve her dream look.
The influencer underwent the £3,000 surgery in January this year which took increased her C cup boobs by four sizes.
While the 22-year-old was in intense pain for the first few days she says she has enjoyed a speedy recovery of about two weeks.
And, she’s already planning on getting a bigger size.
Andrea explained why she underwent the surgery, and said: “I am known both in Bulgaria and around the world, so I am obliged to share with my followers what is happening in my life, as well as about each of my new interventions.
“I’m still careful with my new breasts, I feel great.
“I decided to enlarge my breasts because I think it is much more feminine and beautiful for a woman to have a lusher bust.”
That’s not what Barbie looks like, lady.
Bear Naked Ladies of the Week
Bear Attacks Woman’s Buttocks As She Uses Outdoor Toilet in Alaska
An Alaska woman was injured last Saturday after being wounded on the bottom by a suspected black bear while using an outhouse.
Shannon Stevens, of Haines, was involved in the accident on a weekend trip to ChilkatLake with her brother and his girlfriend. The trio traveled to the remote region and stayed in a yurt.
The woman told KTOO, a radio station serving Alaska’s capital city of Juneau, that she “jumped up and screamed” after a close encounter while on a toilet.
The woman’s brother, Erik Stevens, responded to her calls for help and they used a headlamp to investigate. After opening the lid, they claimed to have seen a “gigantic bear face” staring back at them from approximately an inch below the seat.
Shannon Stevens required bandages to stop bleeding but was not seriously injured. “It felt like just a single puncture. Maybe it wasn’t even a bite. It might have been a swipe with his claw potentially. I don’t think we’ll ever really know,” she told KTOO.
Earlier in the day, the trio had used a snowmachine on the frozen lake and cooked meat on an outdoor firepit, which Erik Stevens believed could have attracted the animal.
Explaining how a bear could have gained entry, he said: “There’s a way out in the back of the outhouse, there’s a rock wall and there’s a way for a creature to get in through that rock wall. He probably just pushed the rocks over and got down into the hole.”
Carl Koch, a biologist with the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, said he believed it was the work of a black bear—partially based on analysis of photos of the tracks.
Plus black bears love white booty.
Josie and the Pussycats of the Week
One woman receives feces and dead kitten in the mail after being harassed by Punta Gorda man
Imagine opening your mail and finding feces and a dead kitten inside! It happened to one Southwest Florida woman and the men who mailed her these packages are in prison.
29-year-old Bretton Howard Osborne has been sentenced to 3 years and 8 months in federal prison for stalking and conspiracy to commit stalking of a woman in Port Charlotte, along with his co-conspirator 30-year-old Ian Douglas McGuire.
The harassment began in March of 2019 and lasted through June of that same year after McGuire walked into the Punta Gorda Farmers Market, which is where victim “A.G.W” worked at the time.
“The suspect, in this case, he likes to go into public wearing signs around his neck, with a video camera he likes to engage groups of people to get a reaction. The victim, in this case, was working at the time, told the suspect that she did not really like his sign and want to be videotaped by him and ever since then he just began to target her. The phone call harassment was on a daily basis for the victim, in fact, she had to get a different phone number because she was getting what’s called a spoof call,” said Detective Adam Taylor with the North Port Police Department.
However, the harassment continued after the victim filed a restraining order, the suspects were able to obtain her personal information through public record, which led them to send their victim a disturbing package in the mail.
“She received multiple adult-themed toys in the mail. She received packages of fecal matter in the mail, and she actually received a dead kitten in the mail, she was mailed to at work,” said Taylor.
Shitty kitty.
The Cars of the Week
Serial pooper wanted for defecating in unlocked vehicles in Warren
Warren police are looking for a man wanted for going to the bathroom in unlocked vehicles.
“I just couldn’t believe somebody is that inhumane,” said Chris Phillips. “That ignorant.”
Employees at Mr. Friendly Auto Service on Van Dyke could not believe what they saw and smelled as they went to push a van into their shop.
They immediately went through their surveillance video which showed a man illegally dumping – but not the kind you would normally expect.
“He grabbed some sanitary napkins, then defecated inside the customer’s van, pants half-down,” said Phillips, the manager. “He wiped in the parking lot dropped the napkins on the ground picked it up and threw it in the dumpster.”
Warren police say this first happened back in November shortly after midnight. Employees say they lock the doors of all the vehicles they service. But this time, the unlucky customer’s doors would not lock.
“This is our first incident,” Phillips said. “We’ve never had any break-ins, nothing was stolen out of here. I’ve been at this company for 20 years and never ever have seen anything like this before.”
Fast-forward to January, when Phillips says the man came back again, but this time kept his pants on. Then earlier this month, Warren police say the same man showed up at nearby Twins Tire also on Van Dyke.
Employees there say they also make sure all doors are locked, but they say the man went from car to car early in the morning, until he found one with the doors unlocked because of an electrical problem. Then the pooper struck again.
“Very disgusting, the guy needs to be caught,” Phillips said. “There is something wrong with him.”
Warren police say it is looking into a lead in the investigation. It is unclear if mental illness played a role in the incidents.
It could be worse. At least he isn’t a cereal pooper, turning Rice Krispies into Cocoa Pebbles.
Brown Eyed Girl of the Week
Man denies defecating on sleeping girlfriend
A man has denied defecating on his sleeping girlfriend, after it was put to him in court that this led to a fight with his brother, shortly before his brother was stabbed through the heart.
The NSW Supreme Court is hearing the trial of Barry Cavanagh, 35, Nathan McIvor, 38, and Sean O’Keefe, 39, who have all pleaded not guilty to murdering Campbelltown dad Jamie Phillips, 46, in 2018.
The jury has been told Mr Phillips was fatally stabbed through the heart after the three accused argued over the drug ice.
On Friday, Mr Phillips’ brother Allen took to the witness box, where he was questioned by Cavanagh’s defence barrister Winston Terracini, SC.
Mr Terracini put it to Allen Phillips that he had defecated on his girlfriend, Hayley Costello, in their home before having a fight with his brother over the incident shortly before Jamie’s death.
“It went beyond being a verbal, agitated moment and you came to blows … I suggest to you the reason why that took place is because he tried to intervene because you had defecated on Hayley Costello while she was asleep,” Mr Terracini said.
But Allen Phillips, who the jury was told has a criminal record of more than 60 pages, denied this and claimed he had a verbal argument with his brother over missing cash from his wallet.
Allen Phillips and Ms Costello have since broken up, the court heard.
They had a shitty relationship.
Hot For Teacher of the Week
Georgia substitute teacher arrested after she was caught masturbating in class
A Georgia substitute teacher has been arrested after she allegedly masturbated in front of her second-grade class during school hours, authorities said.
Amelia Ressler, 30, of Carrollton, allegedly filmed herself performing the act while in the classroom at Mt. Zion Elementary School, news station WAGA reported.
“It appears she was masturbating while the classroom was full of kids,” Carroll County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Ashley Hulsey told the outlet.
Hulsey slammed the incident as “disturbing,” adding that kids could’ve seen her touch herself.
“Where she was sitting, it wasn’t like it was a closed desk and [the kids] couldn’t look up and visually see what she was doing at the time,” Hulsey told news station CBS46.
Detectives began investigating Ressler after receiving a tip about the video circulating in the community.
“We obtained video evidence because she videoed it herself and disseminated it and we were able to get ahold of that evidence,” Husley told WAGA.
Ressler was arrested Friday and booked into Carroll County jail on 19 counts of child molestation, authorities said.
Miss Ressler, will this be on the test?
Ozzy of the Week
Activist who ate live bat in front of European Parliament taken into police custody, released
The Russian activist and performance artist Petr Davydtchenko was taken to a Brussels police station on Wednesday after returning to the scene of a demonstration in which he made good on a promise to eat a live bat outside of the European Parliament.
Eating the bat was intended as an act of protest against what he calls an unjust distribution of the coronavirus vaccine.
Police confirmed to The Brussels Times that Davydtchenko, who had eaten the bat before the announced time of noon in order to avoid being prevented from completing his act of protest, was taken into custody when he returned to parliament to issue a statement explaining his demonstration, which he filmed.
“The police were waiting for my arrival,” Davydtchenko said. “They identified me by my corporate branding, the Pfizer tattoo on my forehead, a signature that has come to represent false hope for millions of poor people around the world.”
If he’s lucky, they’ll name the new pandemic after him: Davydtchenkovirus.
Sammy Hagar of the Week
A Winona, Minnesota woman and a La Crosse man are facing charges for cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana, ecstasy and oxycodone after attempting to flee an officer at 122 miles per hour.
At about 1:20 a.m. Nov. 18, Trooper Coady Schiltz was parked near mile post 58 on Interstate 90/94 when he observed a vehicle rapidly approaching him. A radar reading gave a clear reading of 81 miles per hour in a 70 miles per hour zone.
Schiltz pulled behind the vehicle and activated his emergency lights and sirens. By the time Schiltz caught up to the vehicle it was traveling 90 miles per hour. After switching lanes the vehicle accelerated to 122 miles per hour and traveled at that speed for about 20 seconds. While accelerating a white crystal like substance started to hit the windshield of Schiltz’s vehicle.
The vehicle decelerated and pulled over after the period of high speed. Schiltz approached the vehicle after requesting additional units and identified himself and the reason for the stop, during which he could smell an odor of marijuana coming from the vehicle.
Schiltz asked the driver, identified as Katrina Brett, why she accelerated after he attempted to initiate a traffic stop, but she appeared confused. When he explained that he had attempted to pull her over for going 81 miles per hour but she then accelerated to 122 miles per hour, she did not say anything.
Asked what they were throwing out the window, both Brett and the passenger, identified as Raymond Lewis, said “nothing?” When asked why a white crystal-like substance hit his windshield during the pursuit, both Brett and Lewis said nothing. Lewis stated he did not know what was going on because he was sleeping.
Based on the odor of marijuana, Schiltz conducted a search of the vehicle. In the center console Schiltz found a case containing a white powdery substance in a plastic bag later tested and confirmed to be cocaine. Also in the case Schiltz found a small bag containing a crystal-like substance later tested and confirmed to be methamphetamine, and a bag of a green leafy substance later confirmed as THC.
In the back right passenger seat, a bag containing Brett’s wallet and additional identification also had an ibuprofen bottle that contained three pills later confirmed as MDMA. Another pill bottle contained five pills, two of which were later identified as oxycodone and three of which were later identified as tramadol.
There’s no way you can drive 55 on all of that shit.
Freebird of the Week
Man driving under speed limit is fined for giving camera the middle finger
A Lancashire man has been handed a fine after sticking both his middle fingers up at a road camera to “celebrate” that he was driving under the speed limit.
And now, 44-year-old Ben Baron is crowdfunding to pay his fine.
The incident – which occurred on the commute to work in early December 2020 – happened as Ben approached a known speeding “hotspot” in Clayton-le-Moors where he had previously been caught by a camera before.
Ben admitted that he was just so “elated” to pass the camera while under the limit, that he decided to celebrate by sticking his middle fingers up at the operator.
But unfortunately, this meant that he drove “around 200 metres” with both hands off the wheel.
The dad-of-two and Software Developer then carried on with his day oblivious to the fact, while he had not been committing a speeding offence, he had instead been snapped for “not being in a position to have proper control” of the vehicle, and claims he was “in tears of laughter” after receiving the legal letter with a notice of intended prosecution and images showing him swearing while his passenger laughed along.
Ben joked that the person responsible for handing him the fine has “made it personal”, which is he launched a GoFundMe page to cover the costs, vowing to give any leftover money to charity.
“[When I got the letter] I was in tears of laughter.” Ben said.
“I’ll take one for the team with this one because it’s so funny. It’s a clear-cut case of me flipping the bird at them with both hands [so] it’s a bit of kudos,
“I’m happy to pay the fine.
He misunderstood the sign: “Fine for obscene gestures” to mean it’s okay to flip the bird.
Imagine Dragons of the Week
A fire-breathing performer who has had $20,000 of procedures to look like a dragon – including carving scales into his arms and tattooing his eyeballs – is determined to become the most modified person in the world.
Joshua Burns, 30, from Vancouver, Canada, who goes by his surname, began his journey aged 19 when he had his tongue cosmetically split in two.
Since then, the performance artist and reptile seller has had his earlobes cropped and ears shaped to appear pointed, dyed his tongue purple and inserted silicone ‘horns’ into his forehead.
He also has thousands of pounds worth of tattoos – the most intricate of which took 51 hours to complete – and wants to get his penis and gums inked, too.
Burns said: ‘I want to be 100 per cent covered as a dragon, and beat all the world records out there for the most modifications and tattoos. But I also want to look aesthetically pleasing.
‘I’m liking where I’m at currently but every time I get another tattoo or another modification, I feel more confident and happier – and it helps with my career.’
‘I’ve also had my eyeballs tattooed. They injected the purple dye in a little spot, and then it spread around my eyeballs.
One day, he even wants to tattoo his genitals and get silicone ‘scale’ implants in his arms, which he thinks will allow him to charge more for his performances.
He concluded: ‘I don’t think I’ll ever stop getting body modifications – new ones come out all the time, so I don’t want to limit myself. But I want them to look good too.
He’s dragon his ass all the way to the unemployment office.
