With the democrats running Congress and the White House, they got down to the WTF? business of chipping away at our rights this week by passing a gun control bill. Eventually they’ll come for everything but for the time being, these WTFers are expressing their right to be completely insane:
Headline of the Week
Man propped dead wife on sofa in front of kids while they opened Christmas presents, prosecutor says
A prosecutor says a Southern California man killed his wife, then propped her body on a sofa in front of their children as they opened Christmas presents.
The Orange County Register says that scenario was presented to jurors Monday as trial began for William Wallace of Anaheim.
The prosecutor contends Wallace killed 26-year-old Za’Zell Preston during a fight on Christmas Eve of 2011. Authorities say the next day, he propped up her body on a couch and told his children Preston had gotten drunk and ruined Christmas.
They may take away our lives, but they’ll never take our presents! – Braveheart
F*ckers of the Week
Man’s penis swelled three times bigger after it broke during passionate sex
A man experienced his worst nightmare when he accidentally broke his penis during a passionate sex session.
Andy and Bree, from US, were on a trip and pulled over at a petrol station for a little bit of fantasy romp but soon they knew something had gone wrong.
Actors re-created the moment on TLC’s Sex Sent Me to the ER, with the bloke commenting: “I look down to see my penis was about the size of my forearm.
“I see blood pouring out of my penis and it’s not stopping.
“It was absolute ten out of ten on the pain scale. No one wants to look at their penis three times its normal size with blood dripping out of it.”
They drove 45 minutes to the nearest hospital and asked for help.
After a brief examination, a doctor told Andy that he suffered a fractured penis and he has ruptured his right tunica albuginea (fibrous tissue covering of the testis).
But in order to repair that through surgery, expert said they had to “break the other side”.
Emergency Physician Michael Guirguis said: “If there is rupture at tunica albuginea and a surgical correction would mean a shortening has to be made on the other side.
“Otherwise the penis won’t be erect and straight it will be erect and have a curvature which the patient most likely won’t want.”
Doctors managed to save Andy’s manhood but he was banned from having sex for four weeks to give his penis the chance to heal.
He was left horrified after the experience, adding: “No man ever wants to hear that the doctor has taken some length of your piece of manhood.”
I believe the medical term for a curved penis is boomerwang.
Peashooter of the Week
Florida man claims handgun in his pants is actually his penis
20-year-old Michael Phillips was the passenger in a car that had recently been stolen in St. Petersburg, Florida. After the vehicle was pulled over this past Saturday night, an officer patted down Phillips, and felt something firm in his groin region.
“That’s my dick,” the 20-year-old Florida Man told a deputy with the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.
But it was not, in fact, Phillips’s dick, according to an arrest report.
Phillips, who was a passenger in a stolen 2015 Chevrolet Equinox that got pulled over Saturday night in St. Petersburg, was actually packing a Glock 23 holding a magazine with 22 rounds.
According to the gun’s manufacturer, the Glock has a four-inch barrel and an overall length of 7.36 inches.
After being read his rights, Phillips reportedly copped to owning the gun in his drawers. Phillips said he received the Glock as a gift, and carried the semi-automatic pistol “for protection.” In addition to the magazine in the gun, Phillips was also in possession of a second magazine holding 23 rounds.
According to the Smoking Gun, Phillips was arrested for carrying a concealed handgun, which is a felony.
The driver of the vehicle, a 19-year-old woman, was also arrested, and is facing felony charges of grand theft auto.
7 inches ain’t bad.
Wagger of the Week
55-year-old man arrested for reportedly exposing himself at College Station gas station
A 55-year-old College Station man has been arrested after reportedly exposing his genitals at an Exxon gas station, located at 2111 Holleman Drive West.
On March 10, around 3:53 A.M., a CSPD officer patrolling the area noticed a dark Chevrolet pickup truck with a malfunctioning high-mounted stop lamp; the CS officer also noted the 30 Day Permit Tag being improperly placed on the vehicle’s rear license plate also.
According to the probable cause statement, the CS officer initiated a traffic stop; the vehicle complied and pulled into said Exxon gas station. Upon further investigation, the CS officer received consent to search the defendant, Richard Bernard Stepp, and reportedly found a clear plastic baggie in Stepp’s pants. Conducting a NIK field test, the CS officer determined the white powdery substance to be cocaine.
After which, the CS officer reportedly asked Stepp if he was in possession of anything else illegal. At this point, it’s reported Stepp grew agitated, pushed his pants and underwear down to his ankles, and while pulling his shirt up, began wagging his genitals at the CS officer.
Alerting him to stop immediately, Stepp continued and was charged with Disorderly Conduct- Exposure and Possession of Drug Paraphernalia.
It’s black but that’s no Glock.
Evil Dick of the Week
No, Yaletown’s new public art was not made by the ‘Penis Satan’ guy
If you think the new Biennale sculpture just installed in Yaletown looks oddly familiar, you’re not alone.
Yes, there are other people like you (freaks, as I like to refer to us) who laid eyes on the newly installed “The Proud Youth” sculpture and instantly thought back to September 9th, 2014. That was the day that the now-legendary piece of public art that came to be known as “Penis Satan” mysteriously appeared on Clark Drive near Great Northern Way.
Penis Satan was a life-sized fiberglass sculpture of the devil throwing the horns, endowed with an erect unit on display for everyone to see. It was installed in the dark of night by an artist who had hoped to remain anonymous.
Within two days of going up, City of Vancouver staff took him down off of the literal concrete pedestal he was glued onto, then encouraged the artist to come and claim him.
The 3,000 kg piece of public art that went up in Yaletown this week is a lot like Penis Satan in that it’s also a naked figure, is all red and shiny, and is meant to make people stop and think. The similarities pretty much end there.
Chen Wenling’s The Proud Youth is a much more modest figure, with no visible boner.
The sculpture is “a clear shout-out to our inner child,” according to the Vancouver Biennale organizers who brought it to the city so that it can be on public display for the next six months.
Somehow Penis Satan is much less terrifying.
Cup-Check of the Week
68-YEAR-OLD PUNCHES SON-IN-LAW IN TESTICLES DURING AN ARGUMENT OVER NES BILL
68-year-old Alice Lianos was booked into the Metro Nashville Jail, charged with the domestic assault of both her daughter and son-in-law for two separate incidents. Most recently, video captured her punching her son-in-law in the testicles when he turned the heat back on after she turned it off due to a high electric bill.
Metro Nashville Police responded to a domestic assault call on February 24th on Milliken Bend Rd. The first victim stated he is the son-in-law of Alice Lianos, and he was in an argument with her about the high NES electric bill while he had a heater on. He reported that Alice came in and turned the heater off, he turned it back on, and she then pushed him, hit him, pinched his legs, then punched him in the testicles, and pulled him by his hair, all in an attempt to get him to move out of the way so she could turn the heater back off. This incident was captured on video by the victim.
While police were at the residence, the victim’s wife, and daughter of Alice Lianos, told police she also had a video of her mother assaulting her six weeks prior, in January. Police viewed a video of the incident, which shows the 68-year-old grabbing the daughter by the arm in an attempt to retrieve a laptop computer after telling her to stop using it and to turn it off. The victim refused to turn the laptop off, stating it needed to “download some updates”. The daughter says she was assaulted when her mother grabbed her by the arm without her permission.
Ironically, the cold temperature numbed his nuts up and saved him from any permanent damage.
Manwich of the Week
A married woman who tried for a year to get pregnant without success was shocked to find she was born a biological man.
The 25-year-old Chinese woman was told she had the male Y chromosome, despite having female genital organs and having lived as a woman all her life – a rare condition affecting people who sometimes describe themselves as intersex.
The discovery emerged following an X-ray on an injured ankle, but also explained why she had never had a period and failed to get pregnant with her husband.
The woman, whose name was given as Pingping, was told she had a condition called a ’46 XY disorder of sexual development’ in which people with male chromosomes have ambiguous, underdeveloped or missing genital organs.
But the doctors who looked at her ankle were struck by her underdeveloped bones and investigated further – bringing forth the surprising result.
Doctors informed her that she had no uterus or ovaries, which explained why her 12-month effort to get pregnant had ended in disappointment.
But she also had no male genitalia or testes, with doctors saying that these might have existed once but ‘degenerated and atrophied’.
The medics said Pingping’s family should have taken her for more thorough checks years ago, adding that her parents were closely related.
Her parents were closely related? That explains everything.
Multitasker of the Week
Ex-escort claims having two vaginas helped her separate work from her personal life
Evelyn Miller discovered she had the rare condition, known as uterus didelphys, when she was just 20.
It means that she has two simultaneous periods and has to wear two tampons, as well as needing two separate smear tests.
And despite being told she may have difficulty conceiving, she’s now six months pregnant in her right uterus.
Evelyn, now 30, said she has actually found having two sets of reproductive organs “handy”.
She spent eight years working as an escort and said that it left her clients “mind blown”.
One was a gynaecologist who even turned their session into a medical exam while another questioned if she’d had a “sex change gone wrong”.
Not only that but she said her condition has been good for endurance as well as enabling a separation between her work and private relationships.
“I guess not many people can say that they use one vagina for work and one for personal life.
“It was helpful with work to be able to have a whole other vagina.
But only one mouth and butthole so there was probably some crossover.
Camel Toe of the Week
Kmart shoppers lose it over ‘vagina-looking’ comfort pants
Kmart shoppers have been left in hysterics after a pair of comfort pants sold by the popular department store went viral online, as some people pointed out the colour and loose fabric made them look a little awkward.
One shopper took to a popular Kmart Facebook group to share a photo of the Slouchy Comfort Pants that retail for $9-$15, in particular the pink version, which left some people scratching their heads.
“Marketing failure,” they captioned the photo of the pants bunched up at the crouch.
And while they didn’t exactly point out what they thought was amiss, comments quickly flooded in from people saying the pants reminded them of a ‘vagina’.
“I prefer to wear my vagina on the inside of my pants thanks” one person commented.
“A nice shade of vulva pink.. no thanks,” was another response.
“Comes with a built in camel toe,” another mused.
This is part of K-Mart’s Kamala Harris collection.
Savage Virgin of the Week
Woman accused of showing porn to minors, sexual battery at Utah behavioral center
VIRGIN, Utah — An employee at a behavioral center in southern Utah faces several felony and misdemeanor charges after she was accused of slapping the buttocks of four minors and showing them pornography at the facility.
According to a probable cause statement, police obtained verbal and written statements from each of the four students, and they all said 32-year-old Guyla Reann Savage showed them an explicit picture of her husband at Falcon Ridge Ranch Academy.
“All four students stated they were looking at [Savage]’s phone while she was holding it and saw the picture,” the statement says. “The same four students all reported [Savage] had touched, or slapped, their buttocks numerous times. Some students reported she had used her hand, others reported Reann had used a book, or her foot. The students reported they were either involved in horseplay or there was no context for the action, she would just walk into the room and just slap them on the buttocks.”
Each of the students told police they found it weird that a staffer at the facility had slapped them, the document says.
Savage faces four felony counts of dealing in materials harmful to a minor and four misdemeanor counts of sexual battery.
So, the dick pic is a felony but slap-ass is a misdemeanor?
Special Delivery of the Week
Topless woman runs up to stranger’s house and steals package before speeding away in car
A topless woman approached a stranger’s porch and stole a parcel before making a run for it – with the bizarre incident captured on camera.
Police officers have launched an investigation after the woman fled the scene in Houston, Texas.
In footage recorded on a doorbell camera, she approaches the house with her breasts fully exposed.
Someone can be heard knocking inside in an attempt to deter her.
The woman then runs from the property and drives off in a car parked out front.
The package left outside contained a dress from department store Nordstrom, local outlet KHOU 11 reported.
Constable Alan Rosen said: “We’ve got some suspects in mind. We got a pretty clear look at the vehicle and of the person.
I remember a time when it was the milkman who brought jugs to your porch.
Dear Def-Con News – Weekly Advice Column
Yes, but I don’t recommend it – DCN
Can You Poop With a Rectal Prolapse?
Yes, but I don’t recommend it – DCN
Can You Still Poop With Impacted Feces?
What’s with all the poop questions? – DCN
Go with the hemorrhoids – DCN
Check in aisle 3 – DCN
Obesity – DCN
Can Peeing Cause Lasting Weight Loss?
Six-pack goes in, six-pack comes out so it’s a zero-sum game – DCN
No thanks. I’m full – DCN
What’s a lemon squeezer doing in my vagina?
I don’t know, squeezing lemons maybe – DCN
Educator of the Week
Arkansas teacher on leave after forcing child to dig in toilet for feces
One mother called for the termination of an Arkansas kindergarten teacher after the teacher reportedly forced a student to dig in the toilet for his feces with his bare hands.
According to a report, mother Ashley Murry says she pulled her son out of the classroom and was horrified when her son told her what happened.
“It’s degrading for a child, so I don’t feel like any child should have to go through this,” said Murry. “They made him go in the toilet and get his feces and the dirty tissue out of the toilet.”
KAIT reported Ashley says the teacher called her personally. “She got on the phone with me, and she said she didn’t have an explanation; she just knew she was wrong,” Ashley said. “But she stated to the principal that she was trying to teach how not to stop up the toilet.”
The lesson plan is still not as shitty as Critical Race Theory.
Official of the Week
Referee caught urinating in centre of the pitch seconds before kickoff on live TV
A referee relieved himself in the centre circle after being caught short seconds before the start of a cup match in Brazil.
Denis da Silva Ribeiro Serafim elected to pee in his pants – without pulling his shorts down – as he was being filmed on TV.
He did it so discreetly that the commentator failed to pick up on the extraordinary moment as he introduced the match official and two linesmen just before the start of the Copa do Brasil meeting between Boavista and Goias on Thursday.
But eagle-eyed viewers noticed the telltale urine running down the ref’s leg and the footage started going viral as the match was being played.
The video showed da Silva loosening his shorts after glancing behind his back and peeing close to the match ball.
He soon stepped away from the centre circle, like a man who has just tripped in the street, before breaking into a run to cover up his gaffe.
A wet patch could be seen around his private parts, suggesting he had run out of time to use the toilets in his changing room before heading onto the pitch.
I don’t understand, or like soccer, but is that what giving a “yellow card” means?
Bugger of the Week
Teacher’s aide allegedly filmed himself having sex with his Great Dane
A twisted South Carolina teacher’s aide has been arrested for having sex with his Great Dane and posting the sick footage online, according to a report and authorities.
Kevin Christopher Billups, 34, of Columbia, was busted Tuesday just hours after deputies received a link to a video allegedly showing him engaged in sex acts with Leia, his pet pooch, the Lexington County Sheriff’s Department said.
“Investigators immediately got a search warrant for Billups’ home and found evidence linking his home with that video,” Sheriff Jay Koon said in a statement. “We also found an external hard drive containing hundreds of images and videos of child pornography.”
The sick footage of Billups’ dog was uploaded to a pornographic website…
Billups, who has worked as a kindergarten teaching assistant at Lonnie B. Nelson Elementary School since 2012, was arrested at the school, but “no students” saw him being taken into custody, Principal Twanisha Garner told parents in an email.
Billups has been charged with eight counts each of buggery — a felony punishable by up to five years in prison — and third-degree exploitation of a minor, which carries a maximum 10-year sentence.
He vastly misinterpreted the phrase “giving a dog a bone.”
Pony Soldier of the Week
Young Man Sentenced To 6 Months In Jail For Raping A Horse, Again
A young man was sentenced to six months in jail after having been caught for the second time sexually assaulting a horse. The Leicester Crown Court convicted 23-year-old Isaac Cluley of bestiality charges, and will be subjected to a suspension for two years along with a 30-day rehabilitation activity requirement.
Cluley pleaded guilty during an earlier hearing to one count of sexual penetration of a living animal in August. He also admitted to possessing extreme pornography which also included video footage on his phone of the shetland pony he had sex with.
According to prosecutor Andrew Fitch-Holland, prosecuting, a friend of the defendant chanced upon the said video on his phone.
Cluley was drunk at the time and the concerned friend wanted to phone the young man’s mother and was shocked to see the footage of his friend with the pony. The police then became involved.
Leicester Live reported that Cluley was previously prosecuted in 2016 for the same offence having had sex with a different horse. This led the judge to question the man if he had overpowering sexual interest in horses.
Recorder William Edis QC said: “For the second time in your life you’re before the court for having sexual intercourse with a horse and that – if I say no more – is an alarming picture.
“One thing I have to do as the judge is to try and work out why you’ve committed this unusual offence twice.
“Is it because you have overpowering sexual interest in horses?
The defendant stated: “I want help with my mental health, it’s why I’ve been drinking more lately.”
Only one more and he wins the Triple Crown.
Entree of the Week
A man was arrested early Tuesday morning, accused of threatening a gas station clerk with a large knife.
According to Mesa police, officers responded to the Chevron gas station near Broadway Road and Val Vista Drive around 5:30 a.m. for calls about a man with a knife. Once officers arrived, the store clerk told them a man, later identified as 38-year-old Eric Van Tine, walked up to him while he was outside changing the trash can liners. The clerk said Tine had a large butcher knife and ran at him as if he were going to stab him while allegedly yelling, “I told you I would be back to kill you!”
The clerk was able to run away and got on the other side of a vehicle from Tine. The clerk showed officers surveillance video of the encounter, which reportedly shows Tine removing a large knife from his waistband before he approached and ran at the clerk. After the clerk got behind the vehicle, Tine turned around and ran away.
Officers searched the area and found Tine at 34th Street and Broadway Road. The clerk was brought to the scene and identified Tine as the man who had threatened him.
During his arrest, Tine told officers he was angry at the clerk because he had previously accused him of shoplifting. When officers asked Tine about the knife, he refused to say where he put it but added that he just wants to go back to prison and eat a bologna sandwich.
Is that a bologna-eating grin, or what?
Dessert of the Week
Florida man nicknamed ‘Babycakes’ caught naked in a chair outside apartment complex
A Florida man is accused of sitting naked in a chair outside an apartment complex, authorities said.
Irving Edward Howard, 71, of Fort Myers, also known as “Babycakes,” was arrested by the Fort Myers Police Department on Thursday. He was charged with four counts of lewd and lascivious behavior toward a child 16 or younger, one count of indecent exposure and one count of disorderly intoxication, according to Lee County online booking records.
According to police, Howard was sitting nude in the chair while children were in the area, WBBH reported.
This is not the first time Howard has been arrested. According to a 2019 investigation by WBBH, taxpayers had spent $300,000 for Howard to spend more than 6,000 nights in jail.
In April 2019, Howard was arrested for showing up naked at an area hospital, the television station reported.
According to Lee County booking records, Howard has been arrested 12 times since August 2019, including two times for indecent exposure and three times for trespassing. Howard’s record of arrests in Lee County stretch back to 1988, according to booking records.
That’s more like “adult cakes” if you ask me.
WTF? of the Week
Woman says she found true love, had children with rollercoaster
Gaëlle Engel claims she has long been sexually attracted to inanimate objects — but she says she didn’t know true passion until she fell for a German rollercoaster.
“You could say that I’m sexually drawn to rollercoasters but since I met the Sky Scream rollercoaster, I understood what love was,” the France-born Engel told Jam Press of her attraction to the attraction at Germany’s Holiday Park.
The 43-year-old says she has been sexually attracted to objects since she was 12. The painter and poet has had three serious romantic human relationships, but found them all to be traumatic.
“I will not philosophize on these relationships that ruined my life but it was only suffering, physical and moral,” she said. “The men I dated had a lot of issues with alcohol and it was a very hard time for me.”
Her new beau, however, has no substance problems and makes her feel empowered to be herself.
“With Sky Scream, I feel completely confident.”
Dating the coaster does have its drawbacks, however: The couple are unable to have any sexual relationship whatsoever, and meeting up is difficult.
As an alternative to in-person dates, Engel collects objects that represent Sky Scream to her, including a board of Sky Scream photos, an array of objects bought from the theme park and a pillow that has the rollercoaster’s image printed on it, which Engel hugs daily.
Through the models she’s created of him and other coasters, she feels that the two have reproduced.
“There are even some models that I made that are totally new inventions — so you can say that I have Sky Scream kids,” she said.
No, but you can probably say she’s too fat to ride the coaster.
