The biggest WTF? this week was finding out that the Biden-Harris administration wasn’t an elaborate April Fools joke. Here’s some other WTF? that seems fake but is terrifyingly real:
Headline of the Week
Naked man with ‘plastic bag on genitals’ was on ‘walk of shame for cheating on wife’
A naked man walking down the street with a “plastic bag over his genitals” said he was performing a “walk of shame” for cheating on his wife, according to police.
Michael Boatman, 41, from Spartanburg in South Carolina, the US, was stopped by officers in his birthday suit just after 1am on Thursday, April 1, with a marijuana cigarette in his hand, officers claimed.
When questioned by the sheriff’s deputies at the scene, he allegedly told them was doing a “walk of shame” as a “penance for cheating on his wife”, according to an arrest report…
According to the files, the suspect referenced Adam and Eve from the Bible, and said he was willing to go to jail for his acts.
At one point during his encounter with the deputies, Boatman is alleged to have made an attempt to run away on foot, but the officers quickly grabbed him, wrestled him to the ground and placed the suspect in handcuffs.
He was arrested for being a dickweed.
Triple Play of the Week
Baby born with three penises makes medical history
An Iraqi boy no doubt etched his name into the phallic hall of fame after he was born with a whopping trio of penises.
“To the best of our knowledge, this is the first reported case with three penises or triphallia,” wrote Dr. Shakir Saleem Jabali in a study on the treble-membered tyke published in the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports.
The baby boy, a Kurd from Duhok, was originally brought to the hospital by his parents when he was 3 months old due to swelling in the scrotum. However, when he arrived, doctors observed that he had some extras — one 2-centimeter (0.8-inch) member sprouting near the root of his primary penis, and another 1-centimeter-long schlong situated under his sack.
The Hydra-esque anomaly was particularly mysterious as the child hadn’t been exposed to drugs in the womb and didn’t have a family history of genetic aberrations, study authors reported.
Alas, it seems that the boy’s potential future as the world’s first three-pronged porn star was nipped in the bud: Since Three Willy’s additional phalluses didn’t have urethras — the tube that urine passes through — doctors decided to surgically remove those two.
Big deal, I know a guy with 5 penises whose pants fit him like a glove.
Rim Job of the Week
Girlfriend allegedly cuts off, flushes man’s penis
A woman in central Taiwan on Tuesday allegedly cut off her boyfriend’s penis and flushed it down the toilet, police said.
Police yesterday questioned the Vietnamese woman, surnamed Phung (馮), and said she is facing charges of aggravated assault.
The 52-year-old man, surnamed Huang (黃), who lives in Changhua County’s Sihu Township (溪湖鎮), was sleeping on Tuesday night when Phung, 40, allegedly sheared off his penis near the base with a pair of kitchen scissors, police said.
Phung turned herself in to a local police station after midnight yesterday, police said.
She told officers that she cut off Huang’s penis in a fit of anger and flushed the severed organ down the toilet so that it could not be retrieved for reattachment surgery.
A local firefighter captain who was among the first respondents at the scene said that Huang “could still walk on his own, but he was bleeding profusely. The patient had eaten a bowl of instant chicken noodles with rice wine and fallen asleep… Later he woke up with a feeling of extreme pain and found that his penis had been cut off.”
Hospital deputy director Chou Chih-chung (周志中) said: “Examination showed Huang’s ‘manhood’ was sliced off and still bleeding, so doctors had to perform emergency surgery to stop the bleeding, and repair the urethra for urine release. His scrotum and testicles are still intact.”
“The main length of the patient’s ‘manhood’ could not be found and could not be reattached. The remaining part is insufficient to engage in sexual intercourse, therefore the best way is to implant an artificial penis,” Chou said. “He will need further reconstructive surgery and also psychological counseling.”
Huang is no longer hung because Phung cut off his wang.
Bag Man of the Week
Botch Job Leaves Man Penis-Less
For the last three years, a man from Tsamaya has been living without a penis.
The 56-year-old’s manhood was reportedly cut clean off during a botched operation at Princess Marina Hospital on 8 November 2017.
The man, who has since filed a P7 million lawsuit against the hospital, was meant to be having surgery to remove his left testicle. He would leave with a tiny stump for his penis, a urine bag to pee in and his life in tatters.
Information currently before the Gaborone High Court filed by Manyepedza Attorneys shows that in September 2017, the patient submitted for a testicular operation after experiencing discomfort and swelling in his left testicle.
The man was eventually referred to Princesses Marina Hospital in Gaborone for further examination. A diagnosis was made and a procedure advised.
However, instead of removing the identified testicle, the doctor, who has since left the hospital, is said to have sliced off the plaintiff’s penis, before stitching up and dressing the wound.
The court papers further note that the hospital acknowledged the incident and provided the patient with ‘a urine bag’ to assist with urination, a bag that he has to carry all the time.
Socialized medicine wins again!
Diver of the Week
Bloke having sex while skydiving ends up in A&E fearing his penis is broken
A man who managed to have sex while skydiving ended up covered in blood and fearing his penis was permanently damaged.
William and his sexually adventurous partner Leslie, who thought the daredevil act would go ahead “without a hassle”, told the hair-raising tale in TLC’s Sex Sent Me To ER.
They even filmed a reenactment of how the disastrous bonk went down.
It shows the lusty couple become entwined in the air as they plummet towards the ground.
Leslie explains: “Since we were both wearing really baggy shorts, I just figured we could just connect without a hassle.”
“We’re having sex, we’re making love,” William says.
They come to their senses mid-nookie and William pulls Leslie’s parachute but his own proves more difficult to open and he breaks his nose in the process.
After they land, Leslie spots William lying motionless and panics, thinking the worst.
“When I seen him on the ground, first thought that went through my head was, like, he’s dead,” she recalls.
William was alive but was covered in blood from his broken nose and also feared he might have broken his penis and never be able to have sex again.
He said: “The very first pain is in my groin and on my left leg.
“So not only might I be done skydiving, I might be done pleasing my woman.”
They rushed to A&E and a doctor was quick to reassure them his manhood had survived the bizarre stunt.
William says: “Once he tells her that the little buddy’s ok, he’s just gonna need some rest, that was a big relief for me.”
That’s not how you muff dive.
Caste Away of the Week
A 22-year-old Dalit man was allegedly brutally tortured by his girlfriend’s family in Tikunia town of Lakhimpur Kheri, Uttar Pradesh. A rod was allegedly inserted into the rectum of the victim by the accused and he was abused for hailing from a lower caste.
The victim was identified as Harendra. Harendra was allegedly in a relationship with Brahmdeen’s daughter. On the day of the incident, Brahmdeen and his sons – Raju, Bharat and Gajraj allegedly thrashed the 22-year-old man.
The accused allegedly caught Harendra, hurled abuses at him and thrashed him with baton and belts. The accused assumed that Harendra was going to meet the girl. Harendra’s cousin Anuj said, “They treated him like he was not human. “
Technically, they treated him like a popsicle.
Smoker of the Week
CT Man Throws Knife, Stabs Roommate In Buttocks, Police Say
A Connecticut man is behind bars after throwing a knife that stabbed his roommate in the buttocks.
The incident took place around 8 p.m., Friday, March 26, in New Haven.
Officers responded to a home for a report that Trevor Campbell, age 26, of New Haven, had assaulted his roommate with the knife, said New Haven Police Captain Anthony Duff.
When police arrived on the scene, they found Campbell had allegedly stabbed his roommate by throwing a kitchen knife that struck the 41-year-old-victim.
The victim sustained a laceration to the buttocks. An ambulance transported the victim with non-life-threatening injuries to the hospital where he was listed in stable condition, Duff said.
It is believed a disagreement about smoking led to the stabbing incident inside the Fair Haven home, he added.
Campbell was charged with assault and breach of peace.
Actually the argument was about pole smoking and he was charged with breach of ass.
Employee of the Week
Man Charged With Exposing Himself At Publix Parking Lot In Coral Springs
A customer walking in the parking lot of a Publix store in Coral Springs this week came upon a disturbing sight: a man was allegedly pleasuring himself in his SUV, a police report said.
The man, later identified by police as Cruz Humes, 22, of Margate, was seen watching a pornographic video on his cell phone and masturbating in his SUV outside the store at 2201 University Drive on Monday, the report said.
According to the report, he was in his SUV for about 15 minutes as customers and cars went by.
Police charged Humes with two counts of exposure of sex organs.
Humes admitted to police that he was masturbating.
He told them he was stressed and came to the Publix parking lot because he didn’t want to masturbate at home and “get caught,” the report said.
He also told them that he does this in his car two to three times a week.
According to the report, Humes works at Publix.
Probably not anymore.
Ex-Employee of the Week
Man who stroked genitals in front of girls on Bedok bus had been fired by Foodpanda
A man who fondled himself in front of female passengers during a bus ride in Bedok yesterday had indeed worked for the food delivery company whose hoodie he was wearing but was fired last month.
Foodpanda told Coconuts this morning that it had seen the “disturbing” image of the former employee placing his right hand inside his pants on the bus, but that he had been dismissed weeks prior. It added that it was also offering support to Jorene Ng, 20, the woman who photographed the man touching himself while sitting across from her and her two sisters, aged 18 and 22.
In the clip, he is seen wearing a Foodpanda jacket while riding the 225G bus, which travels through Bedok North. Ng wrote that she reported him to the bus driver and exited the vehicle. The man followed them off the bus but later took a different route, she said.
“The video circulated was disturbing,” Foodpanda said in its statement about the clip Ng posted as an Instagram story.
The company did not identify the man or elaborate on why he was let go.
He could always get a job at Panda Express making cream of sum yung gai.
Hangers of the Week
Woman with 34GG boobs stuns internet by holding chairs and laundry baskets under bust
Catrin Williams, 21, was shocked when she realised she could lift up everything from a folding chair to a portable table by her chest. Her videos have racked up thousands of views on TikTok
A student with 34GG boobs has become an internet sensation after filming what her chest can hold.
Catrin Williams, from Newport in Wales, began filming herself wedging various things underneath her bust to amuse herself but was amazed to discover just how popular her clips proved.
She realised she could hold items like a laundry basket, a big ring light and even a chair without any assistance but her chest.
In the video, which has amassed more than 3 million views on TikTok, the 21-year-old performs the trick by “slotting” the items under her T-shirt.
She says she got the inspiration from others who posted what their chest could hold and she decides to give it a go.
Catrin starts by using a water bottle followed by a 500-page textbook. She then manages to hold a weighing scale on her boobs and steps it up another level by holding a folding chair.
Catrin succeeded in holding an impressive array of items with her chest but admitted that some were definitely trickier than others.
“The laundry basket was quite difficult – I actually dropped it on my foot and it’s bruised,” she explained.
Catrin joked her next target might be a TV or a table.
Basket case, pick-up artist, and a treasure chest all rolled into one.
Gobbler of the Week
Wild turkey causes damage after breaking into New York woman’s home
A wild turkey surprised a New York woman by crashing into her home and causing a mess, officials said.
According to a news release from the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation, two officers responded to the woman’s home in Erie County on March 23.
The woman told officers that the bird had crashed through a window in the upstairs bathroom of the home, WIVB reported.
According to the DEC news release, the woman was able to close the bathroom door to contain the bird, which flew around the room. The bird crashed into mirrors and walls and left broken glass on the floor, according to the release.
Two environmental conservation officers were able to enter the bathroom and used a neighbor’s fishing net to catch the irritated turkey, the news release stated. The officers took the bird outside and set it free, and then helped the woman clean up her home.
I do the same kind of damage when I drink Wild Turkey.
Nutter of the Week
Squirrel vandalizes Mackinac Island church, breaks antique crucifix
A squirrel accidentally trapped overnight in one of Mackinac Island’s oldest churches did some unholy damage – breaking apart the figure of Jesus on an antique crucifix and sending the cross crashing to the floor. But with some patience, some patching and the deft touch of two artists on the island, Ste. Anne’s Catholic Church now has its vintage treasure back on the wall behind the altar.
The damage done by the uninvited visitor was discovered earlier this winter. Leanne Brodeur, the church’s administrative assistant, said when she walked into the downstairs area the parish uses to celebrate Mass in the winter, she initially thought vandals had broken in. Plants were tipped over. Unlit votive candles were knocked askew. And the crucifix that had been on the wall behind the altar was on the floor, the plaster figure of Jesus broken into pieces.
Brodeur called Jim Morse, the church’s maintenance engineer, to survey the mess. “Jim thought it was a critter,” Brodeur said. “We looked around, and that’s when we saw him. There was a squirrel sitting on top of the piano, looking at us.”
They opened the church’s side doors and chased out the four-legged intruder. They suspect the squirrel had gotten in through a door someone had left open the day before, then found itself trapped inside for the night. The rodent had chewed up the wooden window sills, too, likely trying to get back outside.
Satan’s squirrel.
Stink of the Week
‘Old person smell’ is a normal part of ageing – even if you wash lots
Does “old person smell” actually exist?
Many use the unflattering term to describe the elderly – but apparently, the scent actually has a scientific explanation.
A study published in the Journal of Investigative Dermatology found the change in smell can be because of a chemical compound called 2-nonenal.
It’s caused by omega-7 fatty acids breaking down on the skin due to oxidisation.
And apparently, the body produces more of these fatty acids as it ages.
As anti-oxidant defences begin to deteriorate at the age of 40, more 2-nonenal is present on the skin, which may have an impact on body odour.
The study says: “Human body odor consists of various kinds of odor components.
“Here, we have investigated the changes in body odor associated with aging.
“The body odor of subjects between the ages of 26 and 75 was analyzed by headspace gas chromatography/mass spectrometry.
“2-Nonenal, an unsaturated aldehyde with an unpleasant greasy and grassy odor, was detected only in older subjects (40 y or older).
The presence of 2-nonenal is “nothing to do with personal hygiene” – it isn’t water soluable so can’t be scrubbed off the skin when you wash.
According to Healthline, “old person smell” is perfectly normal and not anything to worry about.
My great aunt smelled like mothballs and this study does nothing to explain that.
Biden of the Week
Man arrested after removing mask to kiss baby girl on lips at Oregon grocery store, police say
A man was arrested after he pulled off his mask in an Oregon grocery store to kiss a baby girl sitting in a shopping cart Thursday, officials said.
The 1-year-old’s father flagged down a police officer Thursday to report the alleged incident, KTLA sister station WNCN reported.
While at the store, the mother had her child in the shopping cart.
When she briefly glanced away, the stranger leaned down, took off his mask, kissed her daughter on the lips and then left, according to the Springfield Police Department.
The mother tried looking for him but couldn’t find him. She then alerted her husband and staff at the store, police said.
Officers later found the suspect, identified as 24-year-old Austin Blake Stewart, under a blanket on a nearby street, police said.
He was arrested on suspicion of physical harassment and disorderly conduct.
I’m as shocked as you are that this wasn’t actually Joe Biden.
Fooler of the Week
Wichita mom tells daughter she’s been shot for April Fools’, gets arrested
The Wichita Police Department arrested 58-year-old Arnthia Willis of Wichita on a charge of unlawful request for emergency service assistance in connection with an April Fools’ Day prank.
Police said around 8:30 a.m. on Thursday, officers were called out to a shooting at a home in the 4800 block of East Arlene. Multiple officers responded to the call along with the Wichita Fire Department and Sedgwick County EMS.
Officers surrounded the home, blocked streets, and attempted to make contact with anyone inside. After they were not able to contact anyone, they entered the home but did not find anyone.
Through further investigation, officers learned that Willis had called her daughter claiming to be shot as an April Fools’ Day joke.
Willis was located in Derby, Kan., and arrested by Derby police without incident.
Good one, ma.
Sike-O of the Week
Federal charges leveled against Florida man accused of firing AK-47 at rangers
A Florida man who opened fire with an AK-47 rifle on officers inside Everglades National Park is facing federal charges, prosecutors announced Tuesday.
Acting U.S. Attorney Juan Antonio Gonzalez said in a news release that 37-year-old Drew Curtis Sikes of Palmetto Bay is charged with attempting to kill a U.S. officer and with a weapons crime.
A criminal complaint filed in Miami federal court says officers on Sunday responded initially to a call about an altercation between Sikes and his wife in the Mahogany Hammock section of the sprawling park. The FBI affidavit says the wife had visible marks and scrapes on her face.
As authorities searched for Sikes, they found his white van along an Everglades roadside but he was not there. The affidavit says Sikes then began shooting sporadically from a wooded area with the AK-47 near the park rangers as they talked to him over a loudspeaker, yelling things like “come get me,” and “I want you guys to kill me.”
Sikes later told authorities he fired the shots into the air and not at a specific official.
Eventually, Miami-Dade police arrived and took over negotiations for Sikes to surrender, which he did without incident after an hour. The rifle was left in the woods. Authorities say he fired about 50 rounds before giving up.
No one was seriously injured in the shooting.
Is that his mug shot or the headshot he sent to Miami Vice in 1985?
WTF? of the Week
A man has been sentenced to 45 years in prison for stabbing a day laborer in a random act of violence, Harris County District Attorney Kim Ogg announced Wednesday.
Arthur Kelvin Lovell, 34, was sentenced by state District Judge Mark Kent Ellis after a two-day bench trial.
Lovell was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon in connection with the incident outside a convenience store in the 10200 block of West Belfort. The victim, seeing that Lovell appeared to be aiming for his heart, put up his arm to block the attack, which resulted in the victim sustaining a serious stab wound to the arm. The victim survived the attack.
After Lovell was convicted, prosecutors introduced evidence in the punishment phase that showed Lovell has a criminal history including assault, burglary and bestiality.
“He stabbed a puppy, and police went to his house to find him,” said Harris County Assistant District Attorney Lindsey Bondurant. “He told police he finds strays or dogs of his friends and plays with them, eventually has sex with them, then kills them and keeps the skulls. He kept the skulls at the head of his bed.”
That’s not just what the f*ck? but why the f*ck? how the f*ck? and a hundred other questions ending in “the f*ck?”
