Since many of my articles were flagged as “dangerous” in an article by Mr. Anderson, I’ve decided to prove to the world just how cuddly and cute I am. Shit, I’m Mr. Rogers, for fuck’s sake! How dare sponsors call me dangerous!
So here we go. My guess almost none of us here is a vegetarian. But hey if you are, more power to you. You might have diet restrictions, but as my good friend Maddox (actually I’ve never met him but his blog was one of my favorites for a few years) once said, “For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three.”
OK, I’m getting carried away. This is the new non-dangerous Munny. I hope I don’t melt when spring comes like the pathetic snowflake I am.
Here’s the deal. I graduated from Le Cordon Bleu’s culinary program with honors. I have worked in restaurants in Beverly Hills and West Hollywood, I created a series of five course wine and food pairings with California winemakers that always sold out. This is not a boast, only a qualifier as you will see. Something to get you to take my word that this following recipe is awesome. I’m sure some of you already knew of it or some close version of it, but this is for those who don’t.
I’ve been pretty much locked up in my house since last February. I lost my job, can’t interact with the populace because I’m at risk, etc. So, it was only fair that my wife insisted that I start doing some of the cooking.
But wait, was that fair?!?!?! I taught her $57,000 of cooking knowledge for FREE so I could get out of doing the cooking. Alas, I acquiesced to her request. 😉
[It seems some people misinterpreted for a serious statement. It was intended as a joke and nothing more.]
So as unmotivated as I have been to do anything since February, I devised a plan. A simple plan. Make everything as easy as possible for myself.
I looked at the Crock Pot. Hmm. That’s about as simple as it gets besides making cold cereal.
I looked for various recipes on line that could be done as quickly and easily as possible yet still be delicious.
Jackpot!
I found this one which I have made at least five times and am making as I write this.
Crock Pot Coca-Cola Roast
Yes. you read that right. Coca-Cola. I was skeptical about this one but it exceeded my expecations.
Serves: 4
This Crock Pot Coca-Cola Roast recipe creates the most tender, caramelized, flavorful meat and gravy that I’ve ever tasted. This is the most popular slow cooker recipe on my blog and for good reason!
Ingredients
1 beef roast – use the size roast and the amount of vegetables you need to feed your family. I used a 2.5 pound Chuck Roast
She’s correct. Chuck is the best. But I have a family of two and we can eat almost all of 2.5 pounds of this delicious concoction in a sitting.
1 can Cream of Mushroom soup
1 package dry onion soup mix
1 (12 oz) can Coke or Pepsi (NOT diet!)
Red potatoes, halved.
She doesn’t say how many, but I’ll tell you that about 5 does the trick).
Carrots, cut in chunks (Again, how many? Look, this is a lazy recipe, just buy the baby carrots you find in bags at your local store and throw in however many you want. I prefer these because I don’t have to peel or chop them ;).
Instructions
Place beef in crock pot (slow cooker) and top with dry onion soup mix.
Place vegetables around roast.
Mix together the cream of mushroom soup and the Coca-Cola in a bowl and pour over roast.
This will look a lot like cat vomit when you mix it, but just trust me. Everything will be fine.
Set crock pot on low, cook for 6-8 hours. The longer you cook, the more tender the meat becomes. The liquid makes a great gravy! Pour the extras over the cut potatoes/mashed potatoes and the roast.
Screw all that six hour shit. Go for the full eight hours. And potatoes and carrots are already in there so don’t worry about anything else.
So there’s the recipe. As for the knitting part . . . I made that shit up. I know nothing about knitting but am willing to learn if it helps lessen my “dangerous reputation.”
As for a wine with this, I’d recommend a nice full-bodied Napa Cabernet Sauvignon. Honig Vineyards Makes a great one for about $40. A quality Zinfandel such as Seghesio would do just fine as well. 🙂
Originally published at Def-Con News on January 4, 2021.
