After months of promising no COVID-19 vaccine mandates, Joe Biden issued a COVID-19 vaccine mandate this week. Here’s some other WTF? that was far less predictable:
Headline of the Week
Viagra thief ‘not a hardened criminal’, lawyer says
Cannabis user Stephen Cooper stole Viagra from a pharmacy he was banned from.
The 46-year-old stole the packet of Viagra from Lloyds Pharmacy in Leek as he needed it for himself as he had formed a relationship with a woman.
The theft happened eight days after police executed a drugs warrant at his address and found £10 worth of cannabis in his room.
Iain Haley, mitigating, said the defendant had no convictions between 2000 and 2021 but has fallen off the wagon this year.
He said the offences are very low level and added the Viagra was for the defendant’s own use.
Mr Haley said: “He formed a relationship and needed the Viagra to enable him to keep up with the young woman he had formed the relationship with. He is not a hardened criminal.”
It seems like that was the problem in the first place.
Dicks of the Week
Toronto raccoons crash bachelorette party and eat all the penis candy
They’re cute, they’re funny, they’re famously clever — heck, they’re the unofficial mascots of our city — but Toronto raccoons do not respect boundaries. Especially when it comes to food.
“It was a Bachelorette party in the Beaches,” the Toronto resident told blogTO of her memorable wildlife encounter. “It was a super campy themed party with penis-shaped everything. There was a penis shaped pinata and bat, and it was filled with penis shaped lolly pops, suckers and gummies.”
Kelly says that almost immediately after the penis pinata broke open, some uninvited guests arrived to “help” the ladies collect all their candy off the ground.
“We hadn’t picked up even half the candy yet,” says Kelly, when “four big fat raccoons showed up.”
Plump and shameless, as most Toronto raccoons are, the animals proceeded to consume as much candy as they could get their remarkably-dexterous hands on.
“We were stuck on the deck for the rest of the night because they set up camp in the yard and just gorged themselves on penis-shaped candy the rest of the night,” said Kelly, laughing.
I feel like there’s a racist/homophobic joke in here somewhere but I’m too classy to make it.
Balls of the Week
Balls galore and a flying tackle – Germany’s nude football team in 16-goal thriller
A new football team revealed a little more than your standard kit after debuting completely naked in front of a crowd in Germany.
The Nacktionalmannschaft, whose name is made from a pun of the German word for ‘nude’ and ‘national team’, got their kit off at the in Duisburg to take on a fully kitted out team.
Wearing just boots and songs with numbers painted on their backs, the nude team of both males and females were certainly not holding back – despite little protection.
Being cheered on by a crowd of 300 people, the Nacktionalmannschaft were flying into tackles, bravely standing in the wall and taking on some meaty challenges.
The team managed to put on a goal fest in their debut as they drew 8-8 in a thrillingly competitive game with local team Pottoriginale All Stars.
Wait, some of those soccer players are women? East German women, maybe.
Jussie of the Week
Gay man admits lying that ‘masked gang carved homophobic slur into his buttocks’
A man made up a story about having a vile slur carved into his buttocks so he could hide from his partner that he was selling himself.
There has been outrage across Spain this week following reports that a 20-year-old man had been a victim of a homophobic attack.
It was alleged the victim was attacked by eight masked gang members at the entrance to his apartment building in the Malasana district of Madrid on Sunday.
The attackers were reported to have cut his lower lip with a knife while calling him a ‘s**t-eater’, and then scored the word ‘maricón’ into his buttocks – the Spanish equivalent of ‘f****t’.
Police promptly launched an investigation and said they were collecting ‘as much evidence as possible from security cameras and witnesses’.
‘Police are looking to arrest and identify these people and clarify whether it was really a homophobic attack or hate crime,’ they added.
‘This is the first assault of this kind we have heard of.’
But it turns out the victim, who is Spanish, had made a false report.
Local media reported the man admitted to police on Wednesday that he was a male prostitute and the injuries were consensual during sex.
He said he invented everything to keep his new partner, who was not aware of his work, so he felt he could not reveal it was a client who had made the incisions.
His story was reported to have unravelled when he was asked to make a police statement, and officers noted ‘abundant contradictions’ in his version.
Liar, liar, ass on fire.
Sushi of the Week
Yakuza Boss Sentenced To Death Put Alleged Hit On Nurse After Failed Penis Enlargement Surgery
Satoru Nomura, known as ‘God’ or ‘Emperor’ to others in the Kudo-kai syndicate, reportedly underwent surgery in 2012 to have his penis enlarged and crotch hair removed.
Nomura, 70, was said to be unhappy with how the medical procedure went, and decided to exact his vengeance in the most vicious way imaginable.
It’s unclear exactly why Nomura was so dissatisfied with the operation. However, it’s understood that he was angered by the way the nurse, who had been treating him post op, spoke to him after he complained about being in pain, according to Tokyo Reporter.
Speaking with him as she would any other patient, the unnamed nurse, who is understood to be in her forties, told him, ‘this can’t possibly hurt as much as getting one of those yakuza tattoos’, The Sun reports.
According to reports, Nomura ordered former Yakuza member Yoshinobu Nakata, 41, to stab the nurse in an act of apparent revenge.
Nakata allegedly attacked the nurse from behind on a walkway at approximately 7.00pm on January 28, 2013, stabbing her in the head and chest as she was making her way home. Fortunately, she survived the attack.
Nomura is known to be the first yakuza boss in Japan to be handed a death sentence, and will now hang for his involvement in four violent crimes, one which resulted in the death of the victim.
Sorry Nomura San, but it’s just not possible to turn a piece of rice into a crunchy roll.
Asshole of the Week
Runaway pastor arrested after rectal ‘medicine’ deaths
SENIOR pastor of Victory Church in Kavango West region ‘Prophet’ Engelbrecht Hamutenya (25), who was reported to be on the run on Wednesday has been arrested.
Hamutenya was wanted in connection with the death of three of his congregants after he and his assistant pastor (36) allegedly gave them a ‘medicine laced with methylated spirit, salt and vinegar. The cocktail was allegedly administered rectally through a pipe.
The police said this happened at Hamutenya’s church situated at Mutengo village.
A fourth congregant, who was also allegedly administered the cocktail, is in hospital.
Police spokesperson deputy commissioner Kauna Shikwambi said Hamutenya was arrested on Wednesday at Karukuvisa village in the Kavango East region.
He was allegedly found treating people at the villages using the ‘medicine’.
That ain’t what the rectory is used for, padre.
Investors of the Week
Twisted cannibal family gouge out six-year-old girl’s eye in ‘black magic ritual’
A sick family in Indonesia allegedly gouged a six-year-old girl’s eye out while performing a depraved black magic cannibal ritual – in the hopes that it would make them rich.
Authorities in the Asian country rescued the terrified child from her evil relatives after her younger brother, aged just 22 months, reportedly died after being forced to drink two litres of saltwater as part of another twisted ritual.
The young girl’s parents, grandfather and uncle allegedly attempted to gouge out her eye as part of a ritualistic sacrifice they believed would bring them wealth, reports Kompas.
The child, identified only by her initials AP, has now undergone an operation and is being treated for major damage to her right eye.
After her brother’s funeral took place on 1 September, relatives and officers who were concerned visited the family’s home in Gowa, where they heard the girl screaming.
Now, a shocking video clip from before the rescue has reportedly emerged, which shows AP’s mother pushing her thumb deep into her eye socket as her dad, grandfather and uncle held her down.
It has since came to light that the family have reportedly carried out other rituals which include elements of cannibalism, with the mother allegedly eating her daughter’s flesh in one.
Bayu, one of the girl’s uncles who reported the horrific crimes, told reporters: “They have been doing this black magic practice for a long time.
“(AP’s) eyelid was even eaten by her mother, and this I gathered myself when I asked the mother as we raided the ritual.”
This Indonesian wealth-building seminar is horrifying.
Archer of the Week
Teen girl walks into school before ‘firing crossbow at cowering teachers and students’
A teenage girl stormed a school before shooting at two teachers with a crossbow and firing randomly into other classes, foreign media reports.
The 19-year-old, who has been pictured but not identified, was allegedly trying to kill one of the teachers at the school in the city of Poltava, central Ukraine.
She is believed to have entered the building around 10am on September 6, injuring the two staff members.
One of them was left with a crossbow bolt through the hand, and the other suffered unspecified injuries, local news outlet Ostro reports.
The girl also allegedly entered several classrooms while smoking a cigarette and fired randomly, according to Rbk Ukraina.
You know what they say: Girls who smoke, poke.
Golfer of the Week
SWAT team standoff with rooftop gunman thrown into chaos by naked woman on golf cart
A tense standoff between a SWAT team and a rooftop gunman was thrown into complete chaos when a naked woman drove through the crime scene on a golf cart.
At around 8pm on Sunday, September 5, armed police were dispatched to an address near Tampa, Florida, in response to reports of three men acting suspiciously.
When officers arrived to question the trio one of the men, one of the subjects, later identified as 18-year-old Myles Abbott, fled from the deputies carrying a firearm.
As he did so, says a police report, Abbott managed to shoot himself in the leg.
Officers in a police helicopter then spotted him on a nearby rooftop, and reported that he appeared to be aiming his weapon at deputies on the ground.
As police called for reinforcements a naked woman appeared on a golf cart and drove though the police cordon towards the house where Abbott was cornered.
Deputies say that Jessica Elisabeth Smith, 28, had no previous connection with the suspect but noted that she “had a distinct odour of an alcoholic beverage coming from her person, and she was completely nude.”
Officers managed to intercept Smith before she reached the house, and later charged her with resisting an officer without violence. A police report adds that Smith’s “actions and inability to follow directions put multiple deputies at risk for potentially getting shot at”.
It’s her body and her choice.
Dump of the Week
Pennsylvania’s Hollywood Casino Cleans Up After Half-Naked Man Poops in Flowerbeds
A 49-year-old Fitchburg, Mass. man was arrested this week for indecent exposure and public drunkenness. That’s after a Pennsylvania state trooper spotted him defecating in a flowerbed outside of Hollywood Casino York.
The unnamed man was seen squatting outside of the Springettsbury Township, Pa. gaming property at about 1 am Tuesday. He was half-naked and heavily intoxicated, the York Dispatch, a Pennsylvania newspaper reported.
Police claim the man was unclothed below the waist, exposing his buttocks and genitals.
The suspect was arrested and later arraigned in local court. He was released from York County Prison after posting $5,000 bail, according to the Hampden Daily Voice.
The trooper happened to be at the casino because of a fight that was going inside of the gaming property. Details on the struggle were not immediately known.
It seems like the Hollywood Casino should have comped the guy for making the place as authentic as Hollywood, California.
Mug of the Week
Eerie mugshot of woman who ‘wanted to blow up hospital’ only shows whites of her eyes
The police booking photo of a woman arrested in connection with a terror threat on a Maryland hospital may be the most eerie image in mugshot history.
Tolulope Oluwakorede Adetayo was arrested on August 12, on a warrant for Threat of Mass Violence.
Prince George’s County police investigating a bomb threat that had been called into a local hospital on August 8.
After an unknown person, who police to believe to have been Adetayo, called the hospital to make the threat, the call taker asked the caller to repeat herself, at which point she reiterated that she intended to blow up the hospital.
Inquiries led police to Adetayo’s address in Landover, Maryland. While deputies were initially told she was not at home, a search revealed that she was hiding in a cupboard.
Police say Adetayo was removed from the cupboard, served with the warrant, placed into custody, and safely transported to the Prince George’s County Department of Corrections in Upper Marlboro, MD, where she posed for this distinctly creepy mugshot.
Is that Storm from X-Men?
Criminal Genius of the Week
Handwritten license plate, tinted windows lead to Iron County drug bust
One person is in jail without bail after a handwritten license plate and other problems with a car on I-15 near Parowan in Iron County led to the discovery of a large amount of possible methamphetamine.
In a probable cause affidavit filed in support of the arrest, a Utah Highway Patrol trooper said he first spotted the car, with its handwritten license plate, headed northbound on I-15 on Saturday, Aug. 28. In addition to the homemade tag, trooper Scott Mackelprang wrote that he noticed illegally dark tinting on the windows, including over the third brake light in the rear window. Additionally, he said the driver followed a semi with a distance of under two seconds.
After pulling over the vehicle, Mackelprang said he noticed possible signs of drug use.
“I noted that his eyes were glassy, bloodshot and red,” Mackelprang wrote. “He had facial tremors and was sweating.”
A preliminary search of the vehicle uncovered two small packages of a white substance believed to be methamphetamine.
In addition to the invalid license plate, UHP said the driver’s California license was either suspended or revoked. The car did not have a valid registration. A further search of the vehicle uncovered three more large bundles of suspected methamphetamine. In all, it added up to more than 7 pounds.
The trooper arrested the driver, identified as 41-year-old Francisco Velasquez, into custody, and impounded the car.
In the probable cause statement, Mackelprang said Velasquez admitted to using meth, and receiving $2,000 to haul the drugs, which tested positive for meth, into the U.S. from Mexico.
Thanks to Biden, Utah is more secure than the border.
Evil Genius of the Week
The former president of DuPont had a squad of trained attack iguanas
Irénée du Pont (1876-1963) was the former president of the DuPont company, head of the family trust, and reported racist, anti-Semite, and extreme right winger. According to Gerard Colyb’s book Du Pont Dynasty: Behind the Nylon Curtain, this fine fellow built a palace in Cuba, called Xanadu, where he collected a mess of iguanas and trained them to attack:
Some of these tough, vicious lizards grew to 3 feet in length under Irénée’s loving care, and more than once the old industrialist was seen marching about with one of these ugly beasts crawling next to him on a leash. Irénée derived a peculiar kind of pleasure from these lizards. By barking a command, he could make them all come out of their pens and surround him, standing at attention. He had trained them, on another command, to attack a target to kill. It was an appalling example to the Cubans of the degeneracy of the idle rich.
Leapin’ lizards!
Driver of the Week
Blair Co. rehab driver found drunk on way to pick up patient
A driver for Pyramid Healthcare Rehab is facing charges after police say he was found drunk in a parked car on the side of Interstate 99 on his way to pick up a patient.
Heriberto Beltran, 60, is charged with two misdemeanor counts of DUI, one of those being the highest rate of alcohol (BAC .16+). Beltran is also charged with another misdemeanor count of resisting arrest.
A state trooper was driving in a marked vehicle on 1-99 northbound near Logan Township in late August when they came across a vehicle on the side of the road. The engine was on and there were no emergency flashers activated, according to police.
The trooper went up to the vehicle and found Beltran asleep in the driver’s seat. When the trooper opened the driver’s side door after unsuccessful attempts to wake up Beltran, it was noticed that the vehicle smelled like alcohol. Once Beltran was awake, the trooper said that he was slurring his speech and had a lack of motor skills after not being able to turn off the car when asked, according to the charges filed.
After failing the field sobriety test, Beltran was placed under arrest and brought to UPMC Altoona for a blood test. At the hospital, Beltran was refusing the blood test and later began to aggressively resist verbal commands from the trooper, according to police.
This is why they tell you not to bring your work home with you.
WTF? of the Week
Ghanaian woman allegedly finds penis tip inside soup after buying Tuo Zaafi
A woman has been left in shock after she allegedly found the tip of a man’s penis in her food.
Having asked for cow meat from the Tuo Zaafi (TZ) vendor while buying the food, the woman was served with a man’s manhood.
Shocked by this, the woman made a video to create awareness to the public to be extra careful with the food they buy outside.
The video has since gone viral with many calling for the apprehension of the food vendor.
They believe the TZ vendor can be able to explain the reason why she is selling human parts as meat for buyers if arrested.
Did she order “try-tip” because that might explain it.
