In the most WTF? move in his entire illegitimate presidency, Joe Biden sent the full force of the Justice Department to crack down on parents concerned about their children’s education. Here’s some more pressing WTF? he should go after instead:
Headline of the Week
Man gets insurance payout after centipede bites his testicles while he sleeps
A man who decided to strip off and have a nap on his floor after a hard day’s cleaning woke up to find a monster centipede had latched onto his testicles.
The unfortunate man from Kaohsiung, Taiwan, was named in local press reports as Ye.
He explained to reporters that he was woken by the sharp pain in his groin and quickly realised that the arthropod had sunk its mandibles into his scrotum.
He said: “I was shocked and I initially wanted to slam a book down onto the centipede but quickly realised why I should not do it,” China Press reports.
Trying to pull the centipede off only made the pain worse, so in desperation Ye crushed the creature in his fist, and which point it finally released its grip.
Even so, Ye’s intimate area was somewhat wounded and he took himself to casualty and his damaged scrotum was patched up by medics.
Up until that point it was all fairly standard , but it was then that something very unusual happened. Ye contacted his insurers and was told that he was entitled to a payout.
A representative from Ye’s insurers explained that a centipede bite was a highly unusual event, an in fact in her ten years with the company she hadn’t heard of a similar occurrence.
As a result, she added, Ye’s mishap qualified as an accident and that made him entitled to a payout for loss of earnings while he recovered.
Since he has 2 balls he qualified for double indemnity but did have to pay a small de-dick-table.
Dick of the Week
This massive penis slide has been erected in a Lower Mainland playground
A massive, fire engine red penis has been spotted in a Lower Mainland playground…
According to Hollywood North Buzz, the phallic slide is part of a set for a new untitled comedy about “four Asian-American women searching for one of their birth mothers in all the wrong places.”
Crazy Rich Asians screenwriter Adele Lim is writing the R-rated flick, which stars Ashley Park (The Mindy Project, Emily in Paris). The movie also stars Sherry Cola, Stephanie Hsu, and Sabrina Wu.
The film is also co-produced by Vancouver-born funnyman Seth Rogen, according to Variety.
There’s also monkey balls, a teeter-titter, and a merry-go-cunt.
Dickless of the Week
A schizophrenic man who wasn’t taking his medication chopped off his own penis with a kitchen knife.
The unidentified 48-year-old, from Kenya, has been left with a stump after the psychological episode.
Doctors who treated him said he only went to hospital after it had been detached for 16 hours.
He took his amputated penis with him. The medics did not clarify if this was because he regretted his behaviour and hoped it could be reattached.
Medics said he ‘attributed his action to perennial problems with the spouse, most of which surrounded his reproductive organs’.
No other details were provided in a report of the case, published in a medical journal.
Doctors hoped to reattach his penis but had to abandon their plans because it wasn’t preserved properly and was detached for too long. His testicles were left intact.
Authorities are stumped as to why he tried to fix his marriage by chopping off his ding-dong.
Nuts of the Week
Fairy Creek Loggers Amped Up Security After Activist Shook His Genitals at Them
As land defenders protesting against old-growth logging in British Columbia voice concerns that loggers are becoming more aggressive and violent, the logging company on site said its workers are on the receiving end of “outrageous and dangerous” behaviour, such as having genitals shaken at them.
For more than a year, people have been at Fairy Creek, near Port Renfrew, a small community on Vancouver Island, blocking logging companies from clear-cutting 1,000-year-old cedar trees at the last intact watershed on the southern region of the island. It’s the largest act of civil disobedience in Canada. More than 1,100 people have been arrested so far, according to the RCMP.
“Activists have sprung out of the bush naked and run at fallers actively working with a saw in an effort to startle them. One faller took a video of a man grabbing and shaking his genitals at him, just a few yards away from where he was working on a tree…
Hall said in the face of such harassment, Teal-Jones has hired private security firms to protect workers and is reporting all illegal behaviour to the RCMP, Canada’s federal police force.
What do you expect at Fairy Creek? Things at Butt Pirate Cove are even worse.
Balls of the Week
Golden retriever beams proudly after breaking world record for most balls in mouth
A dog has become a world record holder after he successfully managed to hold six tennis balls in his mouth.
Finley, a six-year-old golden retriever, has been officially given the title by Guinness World Records after it stood for an impressive 17 years.
The previous holder had the record of five balls but Finley, also known as Finny, managed to hold six balls last year.
Finny enjoys putting the balls in his mouth and reportedly does it all by himself.
According to one of his owners Cherie Mollloy, Finny won’t touch the balls until all six are thrown.
Finny just broke your mom’s record.
Vaginal Hat-Trick of the Week
Why your vagina may have a fishy smell
I’ll leave this here without comment.
Pee Shooter of the Week
Man shoots self in leg in Times Square while urinating
A man accidentally shot himself in the leg while urinating at the same Times Square subway station where hours earlier a woman was pushed into the side of a train as it arrived, police said Monday.
The bizarre and frightening incidents were just the latest in ongoing chaos at the crossroads of the world, where violent incidents have cut into the fabric of one of the city’s most popular attractions.
Cops said the butterfingered 39-year-old gunman accidentally pulled the trigger while relieving himself about 12:20 p.m. inside the station at W. 40th St. and 7th Ave. The wounded public urinator then passed the firearm to a friend who fled the station, police said.
A witness said the shooting created a deafening echo.
“It was one loud shot,” said Michael Bouyea, 52, a security guard at the Margaritaville Resort. “Most of the time when you hear something like that, people think it’s the backfire from a car or something like that, so they don’t pay too much attention to it.
Video from Smoke City, a tobacco shop on W. 40th St., shows the victim, clad in a green hat, chatting on the corner with a few men and then entering the station. A few minutes later, another man, wearing a light pink hoodie, leaves the station, looking back before scurrying off. Police suspect the shooter handed the gun to the man in the pink hoodie, sources said.
The bumbling gunman was taken to Bellevue Hospital and was in stable condition.
Dude can’t handle a firearm or his own gun.
Return of the Week
Florida man killed fiancée, slept next to corpse and left body at Walmart
A Florida handyman confessed to killing his fiancée and sleeping next to her body before leaving the woman’s corpse in a pickup truck at a Walmart parking lot, police said.
The body of Jeanine Bishop, 67, was discovered early Tuesday at a Walmart in Sebastian after cops responded to a report of a woman being spotted in a pickup truck who was possibly deceased, Police Chief Daniel Acosta said in a video statement.
Michael John Despres, a 56-year-old handyman from Sebastian, was also at the Walmart and gave investigators “cryptic accounts” about his whereabouts before his fiancée’s body was found, Acosta said.
“Upon being interviewed by Sebastian detectives, he confessed to killing Ms. Bishop in their shared residence and later transporting her body to the parking lot of Walmart, where he staged the incident,” Acosta said.
Despres told cops he had been contemplating killing his fiancée for several days because he was “angry” and made a weapon using rope and two handles to strangle Bishop, Capt. Timothy Wood told The Post.
During the interview with detectives, Despres admitted strangling Bishop late Monday as she sat in a kitchen chair. He told cops he then moved her body to their bed and slept next to her that night before changing her clothes and putting her corpse in the pickup truck, Wood said.
Despres, who is identified as a handyman in jail records, told cops he then put a bicycle inside his gray van and drove to Walmart before riding the bike back to his Sebastian home, Wood said.
Costco has a more lenient return policy than Walmart.
Rubdown of the Week
Massage therapist accused of sexual assault during treatment at Fayetteville chiropractic clinic
The Fayetteville Police Department (FPD) has arrested a massage therapist for allegedly sexually assaulting a woman during a massage at a local chiropractic clinic.
On Monday, Oct. 4, FPD got a report from the victim stating that her massage therapist, known as “Dom” had masturbated and ejaculated on her back during her appointment. Police later identified the massage therapist as 30-year-old Dominque Williams, of Fayetteville.
According to the police report, the victim was lying face down, partially nude, when she heard Williams windbreaker-style pants begin to make noises similar to masturbation.
Police say she then felt Williams ejaculate on her back and in her hair. The victim says she stood up and Williams wiped the substance off her back with a wash towel.
Police reports say the victim got dressed, left the room and told the doctor about the incident then immediately went to FPD to make the report.
While interviewing Williams, police say he admitted to ejaculating on the victim. Williams allegedly told police that he had not worn underwear on that day and that he had been told by a co-worker that his “fly was down” but ignored it. Williams said he got an erection during the massage because he found the victim to be attractive, but said he was unaware of his erection at the time.
According to the police report, Williams says he was massaging the victim with two hands when he ejaculated and that he had not been masturbating.
FPD arrested Williams for Second Degree Sexual Assault for ejaculating onto the victim with the purpose of sexual gratification while she was unaware a sex act was occurring.
Worst accidental shooting excuse ever: “I don’t know what happened. It just went off.”
Joe Biden of the Week
“I Would Have Shot Him” Florida Man, 90, Punches Neighbor In The Face Twice Gets Arrested
A 90-year-old Florida man was arrested after punching his neighbor in the face, twice.
According to investigators, Deputies responded to a neighborly dispute over a landscaper cutting the grass at a home in Sorrento, about 30 miles from Orlando.
90-year-old Thomas Conrad was allegedly yelling vulgar profanities at his neighbor and landscaper, telling them to get off his lawn, according to the complaint.
Depuites say the victim tried to reason with Conrad who then said, “I should punch you in the face.”
The victim responded saying, “Go ahead but I wouldn’t advise or police will be called.”
According to the complaint, 90-year-old Conrad did just that, punched his neighbor in the face twice.
When police make contact with Conrad, at his residence, he told police he “did nothing wrong” since the neighbor invited the two punches to the face.
According to the affidavit, Deputies asked Conrad what would have happened if the neighbor asked him to shoot him. Conrad responded, “Then I would have shot him.”
Deputies say when they advised Conrad that he committed the offense of battery, Conrad became “aggressive” and told Deputies to “Get the f**k out of my house.”
Conrad allegedly balled up his fist and refused to place his hands behind his back.
After a brief struggle with the 90-year-old man, deputies took Conrad into custody where he was booked into the county jail for battery and resisting police, both misdemeanors.
How slow do you have to be to not be able to dunk under a haymaker from this guy?
Cheater of the Week
Woman ‘beheads husband with cutlass on way to work after hearing he’d cheated on her’
A woman allegedly beheaded her husband over rumours he’d cheated on her.
Rachel Tetteh, 27, allegedly pushed her partner, Lartey Daniel to the ground after she followed him to his work on a farm in Tei Glover, in the Fanteakwa South District, Eastern Region of Ghana on Sunday, October 3, 2021.
Hidden in the bushes, Tetteh took hold of the cutlass her husband was going to the farm with and allegedly used it to cut off his head, Naija News reports.
The suspect was arrested by police while the headless body of her husband has been taken to Akyem Tafo Government Hospital Morgue pending an autopsy.
It was revealed that a misunderstanding ensued between the couple over alleged cheating.
Police found the man’s lifeless body lying in a pool of blood with a severed head along the footpath to the farm, as they took inventories of the crime scene and examined the body.
First he got some head and then he lost some head.
Mug of the Week
Authorities arrest man accused of setting house on fire with family inside
The Floyd County Sheriff’s Office said they have made an arrest in an arson days after they began searching for the suspect.
According to authorities, on Sept. 27, Tobias Steven Cohner Fuller was seen lighting a house in Rome on fire, while his two children, including his one of his own, his ex-girlfriend and others were inside. The fire damaged part of the home.
No one was injured in the fire.
After the fire, deputies began their search for Fuller. He was eventually arrested by deputies around 1:40 a.m. Thursday.
Fuller is charged with first degree arson, aggravated assault and cruelty to children.
Nothing says “badass” more than a clown-face tattoo on the nose.
Melvin of the Week
Woman almost dies after suffering painful wedgie from wearing tight shorts
A woman said she nearly died from wearing tight shorts after enduring eight hours of wedgie while out on a date with her boyfriend.
Sam, from North Carolina in US, shared her ordeal on TikTok when she recovered from a life-threatening reaction to an infection.
She said she was having a “sore a**” for a few days after the date with her boyfriend.
“I started to feel sick and went to the doctor. They give me antibiotics for a possible ‘skin infection’ in my a** crack,” Sam explained.
“Next day, feeling awful. I can’t walk so I go to the ER and insist I’m in the worst stabbing pain.”
She was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit, where doctors revealed that she has sepsis and cellulitis.
While the experts told her that she might have to undergo an operation to remove the infection, Sam joked that she was “constantly having to show my a** to doctors every day”.
But luckily, she did not have to do the surgery.
“So what happened on that day was I was wearing boy shorts underwear and the material kept clumping up and I kept picking my wedgie.
“It just happened and I kept doing it, and at some point, it happened.”
Sam also told Buzzfeed: “The timeline goes like this: I went on a full day-date with this guy I was newly dating, and realised I was wearing very uncomfortable clothes.
“I chose to ignore it and just enjoy my time.
Later in the date, she gave herself a purple nurple.
Mystery of the Week
Teen drug dealer dubbed ‘Kitty of Crackland’ caught ‘hiding crack cocaine in knickers’
A teenager dubbed the “Kitty of Crackland” was caught with drugs in her underwear at a hotspot for drug-dealing in Brazil, foreign media reports.
Lorraine Cutier Bauer Romeiro was allegedly found hiding cannabis in her bra and cocaine and crack cocaine in her knickers when she was strip-searched by police.
She was arrested in an area of the city of Sao Paulo dubbed Cracolandia (Crackland), due to the amount of drug dealing and public drug use, back in June this year.
Romeiro was released on bail because she had to look after her baby daughter.
However, she was quickly arrested for a second time after she failed to inform police she had changed addresses.
I wonder why cops wanted to strip search her.
Audiophile of the Week
Workers call police after woman causes scene at Troy store because she doesn’t like song playing
A woman got mad that a Troy store was playing a song she did not like so she caused a scene, leading to police being called.
Police said the 45-year-old woman was at Paradise Fruit Market on Sept. 27 when she heard the song. She told workers that the song made her sad and asked them to stop playing it.
When the workers told her they couldn’t stop the song, she got angry and started yelling, so employees called police to escort the woman out of the store. However, the woman left and called the police to tell them she went to Sterling Heights.
An officer found the woman sitting in a vehicle on Parliament Drive west of Pall Mall Drive. As he was speaking to her, she got agitated, accused him of lying, and drove away, police said.
The officer tried to use his vehicle to block the woman from leaving but she drove around the patrol car and left. She was stopped, arrested, and later charged with hinder and obstruction of a police officer.
After she was released from the Troy Lock-Up Facility, she walked into the police department and began screaming at the front desk attendant. Police said the woman would not calm down, so she was arrested again and a disorderly conduct charge was added.
I get that way when I hear Justin Bieber so I can sympathize.
WTF? of the Week
‘Black widow’ farmer killed and fed men to pigs ‘she loved more than people’
A crazed pig-loving farmer who killed two men and fed them to her swine was blasted by a furious judge for valuing her precious pigs more than human life.
Susan Monica, originally born Steven Buchanan in 1948, fought in the Vietnam War before she changed her career path and purchased a large isolated farm in 1991.
The 20-acre farm in Wimer, Oregan, was miles away from any signs of life – and even struggled to get electricity.
Susan raised pigs that she became extremely attached to, as well as chickens.
Things started to take a sinister turn on the farm when Susan hired 59-year-old Stephen Delecino, who suddenly disappeared ‘off the face of the earth’ in 2012.
She then quickly hired her second target Robert Haney, another man in his 50s, who found Susan through an ad online.
The two men shared qualities of being loner ‘recluses’ with limited family members – the perfect victims for murder.
Police attended the farm twice, the first time Susan claimed that Robert had been recently upset about a family member being assaulted, which was true, and that he had fled the farm to seek revenge.
This, of course, was false.
When police arrived back at the farm for a second time, a search of the property uncovered a dismembered leg in the pond.
“It was clear that it was not an animal bone,” Jackson County Sheriff’s Detective Julie Denney said.
“It appeared to me to be a human leg that had been severed mid-femur, down to the toes.”
Susan Monica was found guilty of murdering two men just a year apart, and then destroying their corpses by feeding them to the animals on her farm…
The sick killer claimed that Stephen Delicino, 59, repeatedly shot himself in the head and that she had to shoot him in self-defence and was eaten by her pigs before she could bury him.
She also claimed that Robert Haney, 56, went missing in the summer of 2013 before she stumbled across him a month later as her pigs were ‘disembowelling him’. She claims she shot him to ‘ease his suffering’.
Tranny Granny and her (his) killer pigs.
