This week in an incredible un-WTF? series of events, Joe Biden’s Build Back Better and election-stealing agendas died appropriate deaths. He’s some other WTF? that needs to be put out of its misery:
Headline of the Week
Dildo man gets going too quickly, fails to pull out
The quaint town of Green’s Harbour recently found their way into the news, thanks to an unnamed reckless driver from the nearby town of Dildo, Newfoundland, who we’ll call ‘Richard.’
According to RCMP Traffic Services East, ‘Richard’ was more than doubling the posted speed limit of 50 km/h and clocked at firm 108 km/h.
Only making things harder for himself, shortly after he blew by police, he lost control of the small white Civic and plunged deep into a ditch. Fortunately, there were no injuries reported.
‘Richard’ has been charged with excessive speeding, which carries a hefty fine — never an easy thing to swallow. Here’s hoping he’s not completely spent out of cash during the Holidays and has some funds coming his way in the new year.
It’s a shame when a story ruins an otherwise brilliant headline.
Déjà Vu of the Week
Bangkok man calls for rescue after locking penis in padlock
In a story that we can’t believe has happened twice this year, a man has gotten his penis stuck in a padlock and required emergency medical rescue services. This time, the incident took place in the Phaya Thai district of Bangkok where Ruam Katanyu Foundation rescue workers were summoned to the scene.
When they arrived at the street off of Rama 6 – Soi Suan Ngern – they found a man covered in tattoos and little else had gotten his penis stuck in a locked padlock. The rescue squad was able to eventually free the willy using what was reported as “specialist equipment” to cut him free of the lock.
Likely to the man’s great relief, his age and identity were not released publicly and all photos released featured a substantial amount of blurring, both for anonymity and decency. His genitals were said to be red and swollen after his penis had been stuck in the padlock for an unknown amount of time.
Unlike the last report of a man inexplicably locking his penis in a padlock back in July, few details were released about this incident of what is hopefully not a growing trend in Thailand.
They’re thinking about changing the name of the city to Banglok.
Sandman of the Week
Graphic photos of unconscious victims, sleeping meds found in former pastor’s home, prosecutors say
In a court hearing Thursday, prosecutors against a former pastor and New Orleans Arc Director Stephen Sauer say they found over 100 disturbing images of possible sex crimes victims.
According to prosecutors, Sauer sent a personal hard drive off to New York to have it repaired in July. The New York District Attorney’s Office reportedly discovered over 100 images of men in various states of duress and undress.
Sauer was arrested on Mon., Dec. 13 in Jefferson Parish.
Prosecutors say the photos show men either asleep, unconscious, or appearing to be intoxicated.
While executing a search warrant at Sauer’s Metairie home, detectives say they found sleeping medications, syringes, and pills. More photos were discovered with male ejaculate on victims’ faces, male genitals in victims’ mouths, and victims’ genitals exposed in “compromised positions.”
At least one person in the pictures has claimed to have been sexually assaulted.
Prosecutors say Sauer’s home and car are visible in the background of the photos.
Sauer’s attorney talked about his long-standing stature in the community. Sauer has served as the executive director for Arc of Greater New Orleans for the last five years. He also served as pastor and executive director of Immaculate Conception Jesuit Church in New Orleans from 2008-12.
A better defense would be claiming it was actually Hunter Biden’s laptop.
Ass of the Week
Pa. man arrested for showing buttocks to neighbors, child
Pennsylvania State Police have arrested a Northern Tier man after he allegedly flashed his neighbors, including an 8-year-old child.
PSP out of Coudersport responded to a report of a neighbor flashing another neighbor on December 4 on Foster Street in Austin Borough. After an investigation, it was determined that a 55-year-old man “exposed his buttocks to his neighbors for no legitimate reason.”
The victims included an adult man and woman and an 8-year-old child.
Police didn’t release any more details, but the investigation is ongoing and charges are pending.
If I’m reading this correctly, there are legal legitimate reasons for showing ass crack and nut sack in Pennsylvania.
Asshole of the Week
Florida woman with machete acting erratically in Winn-Dixie throws feces at deputy
A Florida woman who brought a machete into a Winn-Dixie and acted erratically in the store kicked a responding deputy in the face, then defecated in a patrol car and tried to throw feces at the officer, authorities said Monday.
A crew cleaning the vehicle later found a bag with nearly 12 grams of methamphetamine, the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office said.
Neomi Latoya Brown, 41, of Crescent City was booked into the Putnam County Jail on Monday afternoon and remained there as of Tuesday afternoon, jail records show.
Officials said she had a warrant out of Volusia County. She was also charged with two counts of battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest with violence and possession of methamphetamine.
Brown “became violent and starting fighting” when deputies informed her of the warrant for her arrest from Volusia County, according to the department.
Deputies were able to restrain Brown, but she managed to kick one deputy in the face,” the sheriff’s office wrote in a post on its Facebook page.
After securing Brown in the vehicle, she proceeded to defecate in the backseat and as the deputy was driving tried to throw feces over the partition, separating the front and back seats, onto him,” according to the post. “She then spit over the partition onto the deputy.”
Woman? Human?
Jumbros of the Week
Two Ottumwa brothers charged with sex abuse
Ottumwa Police arrested two brothers accused of sexual abuse and incest.
Court records say Korbin Dunning, 20, and Grantley Dunning, 18 are accused of performing sex acts with the victim over several years.
The victim was under the age of 15.
Both are charged with sexual abuse and incest.
I have no words for this.
MC Hammer of the Week
Man taken to hospital after oxygen tank explodes
A man was taken to the hospital Thursday afternoon after an oxygen tank exploded, 911 dispatchers confirm.
The explosion happed just before 12:30 p.m. at a home near the intersection of Delaware Avenue and Main Street on Charleston’s west side.
According to the State Fire Marshal, a man was outside of his home in the 100 block of Delaware Avenue beating on an oxygen tank with a hammer.
Officials say the tank exploded, sending debris about a block away, hitting a parked car.
The man was taken to the hospital with burns.
No word on his condition.
Actually, he was listed in stable but stupid condition.
McGruff of the Week
Morgan County Deputy’s ear bitten off on the job
Things took a strange turn for Morgan County deputies after they responded to a suicide call to assist EMS just north of the Cullman County line Tuesday night. One of the deputy’s ear was partially bitten off while responding to the call.
The 35-year-old male suspect was threatening suicide by cop, and medical responded to the call.
“They apparently wanted to die, but wanted it to be done at the hands of law enforcement,” said Mike Swafford with the Morgan County Sheriff’s Office.
Swafford says once deputies arrived at the scene and EMS informed the suspect he would need a psych evaluation, he then ran into a house. Then, deputies made their way inside.
“The individual latched on to our deputy’s ear and ultimately biting a good portion of it off. From there they were able to sedue him and he ultimately did end up going for the psych eval and going to the hospital,” said Swafford.
The deputy was taken to Huntsville Hospital where doctors determined his ear could not be reattached – and he’ll need reconstructive surgery once healed.
“Anytime one of our guys gets injured it’s definitely, it reminds us all of what they deal with and that, you know, there’s no such thing as a routine call,” said Swafford.
Swafford says thankfully, the deputies go through crisis intervention training to handle mental health issues.
When you take a bite out of crime, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if crime takes a bite out of you, that is news.
Deposit of the Week
Man Allegedly Robbed Bank Then Made Deposit at ATM Outside
A man robbed a Delaware bank and then tried to deposit the cash into his own account using the ATM outside, Delaware State Police said.
State police arrested McRoberts Williams Saturday after they say he robbed the Wells Fargo on Old Capitol Trail at the Prices Corner Shopping Center in Wilmington.
The 44-year-old California man handed a teller a note saying he was robbing the bank around 11:20 a.m., police said. The 25-year-old woman then handed over an undisclosed amount of cash and Williams left the bank.
“The suspect fled the bank on foot, and once outside he made a deposit in the atm on the exterior of the building,” state police said.
The man then ran behind the shopping center on foot where state troopers caught up to him and arrested him, police said.
Williams was charged with second-degree robbery and sent to the county jail on $6,000 cash bond, police said.
Can he pay his bond with the money he deposited?
Drunk of the Week
Drunk driver failed to fool police by downing hand sanitiser when she was caught
A female drunk driver who tried to reduce her alcohol reading by putting hand sanitiser in her mouth has narrowly avoided jail.
Sophie Nutter was driving with four flat tyres and seen violently swerving across the road when police spotted her.
The 29-year-old’s crafty plan to fool cops back fired when she tested positive for drink-driving.
This week the court heard how Nutter narrowly escaped a prison sentence last year for a string of offences including possessing heroin and crack cocaine with intent to supply.
She admitted drink-driving and using a vehicle likely to cause danger of injury on April 7.
Nutter was driving a white Suzuki Swift along Grange Way, Beverley, when a police officer noticed the car swerving violently all over the road, according to Hull Live.
It was going from the centre line of the road and back.
After turning left into Rowan Avenue, the officer signalled for Nutter to stop. All the tyres on the car were flat and the windscreen was smashed and had two noticeable impact marks.
There was also dried blood on a rear door and a small amount of blood on a front headlight.
Nutter’s eyes were glazed. She was asked to provide a breath sample but she twice refused to do so.
She eventually provided a breath specimen of 52mcg of alcohol in 100ml of breath. The legal limit is 35mcg.
Recorder Alex Menary told the court that Nutter had put hand sanitiser in her mouth in an effort to reduce the alcohol reading but it did not work.
There’s alcohol in hand sanitizer, you Nutter.
Gal Pal of the Week
Woman accused of poisoning boyfriend because he wouldn’t ‘shut up’
A woman in Florida was arrested and charged for allegedly poisoning her partner of nine years.
According to a police report from the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office, Alvis Parrish, 54, is accused of giving her boyfriend a drink spiked with quetiapine tablets.
The report shows deputies found a bottle of lemonade with a powdery substance at the bottom inside the home.
Authorities say Parish was sitting on the front porch when they arrived, screaming at the responding officers.
According to WTLV, Parrish told officers she did it because “he wouldn’t shut the f*** up.”
The sheriff’s office told the media outlet she went on to say, “I gave him just enough to shut him up and called y’all, so he wouldn’t die…do whatever you want, but if you don’t take me, I will kill him.”
Deputies said the man was “extremely lethargic” when they got to the house and was unaware of why he was feeling so tired.
The man initially declined medical attention but was later taken to the hospital when deputies found him on the floor saying he didn’t feel well.
According to medlineplus.gov, overdose symptoms of quetiapine tablets include drowsiness, dizziness, fainting and a fast heartbeat.
Parish was charged with poisoning food or water with intent to kill or injure a person.
Sometimes death is better.
Inflation of the Week
‘I make £35k a week selling my farts to strangers – they can’t get enough’
A lot of reality TV stars find other ways of making money than just appearing on-screen.
However, one star has quite the unique money-making method as she sells her farts online.
And it seems like it’s proving profitable for her, as she claims to have made AUD$70,000 (£38,000) in a week by doing it.
Stephanie Matto built up a large social media following after she appeared on the show 90 Day Fiancé – with her currently boasting 260,000 Instagram followers.
And the show has opened up an alternative audience for Stephanie, who has now got into the farting game – with her selling them inside a jar.
Stephanie bottles her flatulence in a glass mason jar, seals the top shut and then mails them out to her supporters for a costly AUD$1,400 (£755) each.
Explaining how she gets her body to pump out a load of gas, Stephanie says she likes to eat some beans, a protein muffin, hard-boiled eggs, a protein shake and some yoghurt for breakfast.
As well as producing a lot of flatulence, some proper pungent smells are also created, according to the star.
As well as the farts, those who purchase a jar get a nice little added touch from the blonde star – some little flower petals and a personalised note.
Stephanie said: “I like to add a little flower petals. I feel like they attach the scent and make it last longer.
She can thank Joe Biden for the high gas prices.
Woody of the Week
Woman who married tree says they’re still happy after three years of marriage
A woman who married a tree in a bark-ing mad ceremony says they are still strong as oak after three years.
Kate Cunningham changed her surname to Elder when she wed her wooden soulmate in 2019.
And she insists they are more loved-up than ever this festive season.
Kate said: “People still ask questions and are still unsure of my motivations. I get asked, ‘has being married changed your life for the better?’ Yes, it has!
“‘Do you love the tree?’ Yes, I do!”
Kate visits the tree up to five times a week and has decorated it for Christmas, with a wreath, tinsel and baubles.
And the 37-year-old said her love has only grown since their wedding at Rimrose Valley Country Park in Sefton, Merseyside.
During sex, she just lays there like a log.
WTF? of the Week
Killer monkeys murder 250 dogs by dropping them off buildings in ‘revenge’ attacks
A war appears to have broken out between monkeys and dogs in India’s Maharashtra province.
The monkeys have reportedly killed 250 dogs by carrying them to the top of high buildings and throwing them off.
According to locals, the hostilities broke out after a pack of dogs killed a baby monkey.
The village of Lavool has not one dog remaining, according to local news site News18.
Video clips emerging from the area appear to confirm the reports. In one image a monkey can be seen carrying a puppy towards the edge of a building and in another, a pack of dogs appears to be chasing down a monkey.
The violence seems to be spilling over, with monkeys apparently attacking humans when they try to protect their pets.
There are also reports of young children being assaulted by gangs of monkeys. In one disturbing report, an eight-year-old was grabbed by a troop of monkeys that tried to drag the child away before being driven off by adults throwing rocks.
According to News18, at least pet owner has themselves fallen from a building while trying to rescue their dog from the marauding monkeys.
This is how Planet of the Apes got started.
