Joe Biden spent this whole week trying to convince people that Russia will invade Ukraine tomorrow but for some reason it keeps never happening. Here’s some WTF? that seems like it didn’t happen but actually did:
Joe Biden Headline of the Week
Florida man allegedly asked to smell and touch victims’ feet; faces child molestation charges
A Pinellas County man is facing several charges of lewd and lascivious acts with minors.
According to detectives, 22-year-old Brandon White offered the victims vape pens and marijuana products if he could touch and smell their feet.
Investigators say White contacted the victims on Snapchat and Instagram to discuss meeting up. During the meetings, detectives say he also asked for sex acts. Records show the first known offense was in Apr. 2021.
On Wednesday, White was interviewed by detectives and admitted to meeting with multiple females. White was taken into custody and transported to the Pinellas County Jail.
White faces seven counts of Lewd and Lascivious Molestation, Lewd and Lascivious Battery, Lewd and Lascivious Conduct, two counts of Unlawful use of a two-way communications device.
Not only is he a sniffer who gets inappropriate with the young ones, his name is Brandon.
Great Scot of the Week
Scot flashed penis and used sex toy in public leaving onlookers shocked
A Glasgow-born sex offender has admitted exposing her penis, using a sex toy and masturbating in public.
Chloe Thompson committed the “grossly offensive” acts in daylight and in front of shocked members of the public, a court was told.
At one point, three children saw the former soldier exposing herself and thrusting her hips in the window of her home, TeesideLive reports.
Thompson had been due to stand trial at Teesside Magistrates’ Court on Tuesday morning but changed her plea to guilty shortly before.
Her latest offences were committed on August 13 last year in Cromer Street and Wellesley Road, Middlesbrough.
A couple saw her performing a sex act on herself in a back alleyway of Wellesley Road at about 3.45pm that day.
Liz McGowan, prosecuting, said “the defendant was moving forwards and backwards against a wheelie bin” before being seen using a sex toy on herself.
At the time she was wearing “an ill-fitting black wig, a ra-ra skirt and a midriff-length top”, the court heard.
“She was shouted at by the witnesses and ran away,” said Ms McGowan.
Thompson was also seen exposing herself on Cromer Street where she lived at the time of the offending.
The court heard 42-year-old Thompson has 17 convictions for 22 offences and was still under a suspended sentence order at the time of the latest crimes.
Previously convicted as Andrew McNab, the defendant had been put on the sex offenders’ register and made subject to notification requirements in 2011 for sexually assaulting an underage girl.
But she was hauled back before courts in May last year for breaching her notification requirements for the 11th time.
Andrew McGloin, defending, said Ms Thompson is “an individual who feels, at this point in her life, very optimistic and hopeful for the future”.
She? Her? This article is full of typos.
Dick Head of the Week
Ultra-rare baby ‘ghost shark’ with retractable penis on HEAD found 1,200m under water
A peculiar species of shark has been spotted off the east coast of New Zealand in an ultra rare sighting.
The newly hatched ghost shark was sighted around 1,200m under water by the country’s south island.
Scientists are thrilled by the discovery and said it was one of few sightings of the baby ghost shark as they usually hatch from egg capsules laid on the sea floor.
The ghoulish looking fish range from 60cm to 2m in length and has a retractable penis on its head.
They have existed since before dinosaur times but researchers have only recently been able to study them.
Fisheries expert Dr Brit Finucci posted a picture on Twitter of the recently discovered ghost shark which is thought to be just a few days old.
If these dick head sharks are so ultra rare, it seems like a dick head move to have killed one.
Double Shot of the Week
Man accused of exposing his genitals to women in Dartmouth parking lots
A man was arrested after police say he exposed his genitals to two different women in two different parking lots in Dartmouth on Tuesday morning.
Noah Garris, 25, of New Bedford, is facing charges including open and gross lewdness, according to the Dartmouth Police Department.
Garris allegedly exposed himself to the victims while at retail parking lots, police said.
New Bedford man allegedly exposed his genitals inside Dartmouth Mall on several occasions
A New Bedford man is facing a lewdness charge after he allegedly exposed himself inside the Dartmouth Mall multiple times.
Officers responded to H&M in the mall around 5:30 p.m. on Feb. 9 for a report of an unidentified man who, on several previous occasions since January, allegedly exposed his genitals to staff members in the fitting room area, according to Dartmouth police.
The suspect, identified as Jeremiah Moran, 34, was found inside the mall, police said.
What the hell is going in Dartmouth?
Inflation of the Week
American model Mary Magdalene became a social media sensation after undergoing surgery to have the world’s ‘fattest vagina’.
And now the 25-year-old has shared throwback photos of herself from before she spent more than $100,000 on extreme plastic surgery.
Most of the images were taken while Mary was working as an exotic dancer and saving her money to fund future procedures.
She boasts a sleeve of tattoos in most of the pictures, but it’s a far cry from her current inkings, which cover most of her body, neck, and even parts of her face.
Mary has undergone countless plastic surgery procedures over the years, including an operation to inflate her vagina that almost killed her.
The heavily tattooed model had her first procedure done at the age of 21, when she was working as a stripper and escort.
Over the years, her surgeries have included a brow lift, fat transfers, multiple nose and boob jobs, veneers, liposuction, butt injections and three Brazilian butt lifts.
‘I like to look really trashy and cheap and s****y,’ she told the No Jumper podcast in September.
Money well spent.
Mechanic of the Week
Wrestling move against the law? Peoria police sergeant claims ‘oil check’ is sexual assault
A Peoria police sergeant who is a former wrestling official wants the organization that governs Arizona high school wrestling to amend its rules to address a controversial move he said amounts to sexual assault.
“I think that if parents and coaches were educated that this is a crime and this could be prosecuted, then it would stop,” said Sgt. Marcel Spaulding.
Referred to as “the oil check,” the move involves a wrestler driving one or more fingers into the anus of the other wrestler as a means to shock, subdue, or gain leverage. YouTube videos document instances of the oil check and high school wrestlers tell stories about it on social media.
Arizona state laws prohibit “knowingly… touching or penetrating” the anus underneath or above clothing.
There is debate about how often “the oil check” occurs and whether such a rule is enforceable during the commotion of a wrestling match. Referees and coaches tell 12 News “the oil check” is not common and is often confused with the legal “butt drag” maneuver which involves the wrestler grabbing the broader area of the buttocks.
Wrestling is kind of gay.
Chucker of the Week
Woman Throws Human Feces and Rocks at a Missoula Home
At around 4:30 p.m. on February 12, 2022, Missoula Police Department officers were dispatched to the 700 block of Cleveland Street. A 911 caller reported that a female was pounding on her front door and terrifying her family. The caller said the female was yelling to be let in and threatening to kick the door down.
The caller remained on the line with 911 as officers responded. The caller stated she was alone in the home with her two young children and was extremely scared the female would gain entry. At one point, the caller said she heard the loud sound of glass shattering. She advised 911 operators she and the children were fleeing to the basement to hide. Police Public Information Officer Lydia Arnold explains.
“The female was reported to be throwing snow and rocks toward their house, as well as banging on the door,” Arnold said. “The original caller did not know the female. The female was later identified as Andrea Bauer. Bauer’s behavior was causing the resident to feel unsafe. Officer responded to the area. As officers responded, dispatch updated the officers to the location of Bauer. Officers located Bauer. When officers tried to make contact with Bauer, Bauer hurled personal belongings towards the officers, did not comply with officer’s commands, and tried to walk away.”
According to Arnold, the officers gained physical control over the female and placed her into handcuffs.
Officers observed the remnants of a large window to the left of the porch which had been completely shattered. The estimated value of the window and the cost to repair it is $2,000. Court documents indicate officers also observed human feces had been thrown at the window.
How did they know it was human feces? Did they field taste it?
Getaway of the Week
Banned airline passenger spits at cop, poops in patrol car after fleeing on motorized suitcase
A woman barred from boarding a flight to the Big Apple because she appeared drunk led police on a wild chase on her motorized suitcase — before allegedly spitting at a cop and defecating in a patrol car.
Chelsea Alston, 32, is seen on the bizarre pursuit in newly-released bodycam video at Orlando International Airport, where she planned to board a Southwest Airlines flight in April 2021, WKMG reported.
But a gate agent told her she appeared too intoxicated and refused to allow her to take the flight, according to the outlet, which cited court records.
“I don’t want no beef. I’m just trying to go home and enjoy myself,” Alston reportedly said, claiming she had consumed just two drinks.
Police officer Andrew Mamone responded and told her she was banned because of her glassy eyes, inability to stand straight and the odor of booze emanating from her.
“It’s OK. You just need to go over to the terminal and sober up a little bit. Get another flight,” he tells Alston, who proceeds to wave her middle finger at him and unleash a stream of profanities.
“F— you! Suck my d—!” she shouts before taking off on her motorized luggage.
“We’re going to have a bike pursuing a suitcase in a minute,” the officer says as he chases the getaway suitcase on his bicycle.
“Oh man, that thing kind of goes fast,” Mamone is heard saying during the chase — as some bystanders can be heard giggling.
The officer finally catches Alston and orders her to leave the secure area.
“Follow me, and we’ll roll out together,” Mamone tells the woman, who then appears to spit at him before he and another officer place her in handcuffs.
But Alston would not go quietly, the video shows, and apparently spits at him again — reportedly hitting him in the eye.
“Stop spitting,” he tells her.
“I only spit one time,” Alston replies before she was dragged to a patrol car, in which she allegedly defecated and left about $1,200 in damage, WKMG reported, citing an arrest report.
Black Shit Matters.
Freedom of the Week
Free State cop arrested for allegedly urinating, vomiting on his grandmother
A 37-year-old police officer from the Free State has been arrested after he allegedly urinated and vomited on his 75-year-old disabled grandmother.
According to the Independent Police Investigative Directorate (IPID), the police officer was arrested and detained at the Bohlokong police station in Bethlehem on Thursday.
IPID, which is investigating the case, said this was not the first time he allegedly assaulted his grandmother.
“It is also alleged that the suspect grandson has been abusing her over her pension grant for a while,” its spokesperson, Grace Langa, said.
The police officer has been charged with crimen injuria and assault.
How free can the state be if you can’t even piss and puke on gam gam?
Failure of the Week
INDIANA MAN ADMITS TO MURDER, ATTEMPTED RAPE OF A CORPSE
The man accused of killing two Papa John’s employees in Elkhart Saturday night admitted that he not only shot the couple, but also tried to rape the woman after she was dead and robbed the bodies.
Jose Benitez-Tilley, 19, of Elkhart, was a former employee of the restaurant, according to court documents.
He admitted to shooting Dustin Carr, 37; and Haley Smith, 22, who were engaged.
His van could be seen on video at the restaurant.
Benitez-Tilley tried to get rid of the bodies, but was unable to and had to leave them behind the Papa John’s, which is where they were found the next day.
He also told police that after both had been shot and were dead that he robbed the bodies, stole Smith’s purse and jewelry from Carr’s body. He also said he took cash from the restaurant.
Benitez-Tilley is charged with murder, robbery and abuse of a corpse.
How do you attempt but fail to rape a corpse?
Mom of the Week
Mom Accused of Providing 14-Year-Old Boy with Meth on Multiple Occasions to Help Him Relax
A Florida woman was arrested Saturday for allegedly providing a 14-year-old boy with methamphetamine, police said.
Cheryl Ann Asiq, 38, is facing three counts of aggravated child abuse and three counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
According to a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office affidavit obtained by PEOPLE, Asiq gave the boy methamphetamine on three different occasions between Feb. 10 and 12.“Per the victim, [Asiq] provided the methamphetamine, she held the foil paper that contained the drugs, and she heated the foil with a lighter to cook the drug as the victim used a plastic straw to inhale the vapors from the foil,” the affidavit states.
A family member of the teen allegedly called 911 on Feb. 12 after she spoke with him on the phone and “realized the victim was hallucinating,” the affidavit states.
Police said after the 911 call, the family member talked to Asiq, who allegedly claimed she gave the boy a Xanax pill.
Asiq allegedly admitted to police she gave the boy the stimulant drug on three occasions.
“[Asiq] said she thought the drugs would help the victim relax, but it had an adverse effect,” the affidavit states.
Nothing relaxes more than getting tweaked up on crank.
Mug of the Week
Florida man arrested for DUI told police he was ‘high and happy’
Florida authorities arrested a reckless driver in Key West, Florida, who described himself as “high and happy” to police.
Monroe County Sheriff’s deputies pulled over Theodore John Evans, 51, just before 11 p.m. Wednesday after receiving multiple calls saying a Toyota RAV4 was running red lights, not staying in its lane and passing other cars in no-passing zones.
“Evans’ eyes were bloodshot and watery. He behaved erratically, speaking quickly and nonsensically about how high and happy he was due to his use of a vape pen,” the sheriff’s office said.
Evans apparently admitted to being on drugs to authorities and failed a sobriety test, according to authorities.
Deputies discovered “marijuana candies, a glass pipe and a vape pen” inside Evans’ vehicle.
I definitely see high in that mug shot but where’s the happy?
Diet of the Week
Woman confused by unexplained weight gain has gigantic 47kg tumour removed
A woman has been left feeling a great deal lighter after having a tumour accounting for half he rbody weight removed.
The tumour itself weighed 47kg, but the weight of excess skin and abdominal wall tissues, the total actually weighed, a shocking 54kg.
She weighed 49kg after the operation, less than the mas removed, which medical professionals described as happening “rarely”.
Surgical gastroenterologist Dr Chirag Desai told the Times of India: “We could not weigh the patient before surgery as she could not stand straight, but after the operation she weighed 49kg.
“The removal including the tumour – in our parlance retroperitonal leiomyoma – weighed more than her actual weight. This happens rarely.”
The 56-year-old from Gujarat in India had lived with the tumour for 18 years according to her son, who said that it had started as unexplained weight gain in her abdomen.
Initially thinking that this was caused by gastric trouble she took medication to counter that, only to discover in 2004 that she had a benign tumour.
Although medical professionals attempted surgery to remove the tumour in the same year, but when the doctor realised that the tumour was attached to several of her major internal organs, including the kidneys, lungs, and intestine, and decided that surgery would be too dangerous.
The family consulted several doctors over the subsequent years, but did not manage to get any substantial results, with the tumour continuing to grow in the meantime.
This resulted in her internal organs being displaced by the tumour, and left her in severe pain and unable to even get out of bed.
Finally, a team of eight doctors, including four surgeons, eventually managed to remove the tumour in a four-hour-long operation.
And I thought Indian food was gross.
Joe Biden WTF? of the Week
Pensioner ‘aged 120’ caught performing sex acts on woman outside town centre shop
A pensioner who claims he’s 120-years-old has been arrested after having sex in public in a town centre.
The virile old man was spotted with his trousers down thrusting against a woman outside a shop in Magelang City, Indonesia.
Stunned locals recorded the pair who were caught in the obscene act, with footage handed over to local authorities.
Police started a search of the local area the day after being handed the illicit material, eventually taking a pensioner known only as J into custody.
While in custody, the elderly resident told police officers that he was 120-years-old.
Officials stated that the elderly resident, who was released after questioning, had been having sex with a woman who works in the area as a cleaner and rubbish collector outside of a gold shop.
He’s a crazy old f*cker whose name begins with “J.” Why does that sound familiar to me?
