This week, Joe Biden gave his State of the Union Address but failed to mention all of the things he WTFed up during his first year in office. Here’s some other WTF? that people are not proud of:
Headline of the Week
Man chainsaws bedroom over dog poop
A Chippewa Township man is accused of destroying a bedroom with a chainsaw after becoming enraged over a dog defecating on the floor.
The 37-year-old man was arrested by deputies with the Isabella County Sheriff’s Office at approximately 6:15 a.m. on Feb. 14, said Isabella County Sheriff Michael Main in an email. Deputies were called to the home in the 11000 block of East Pickard Road because the man was threatening people with the saw and destroying things.
Deputies were told by witnesses that the man became angry after a dog defecated on the floor, Main said. They said he used the saw to destroy things and threaten other people.
When he was finished, he threw the saw at one of the people present, Main said. The saw struck the person, resulting in a minor cut.
Before they arrived, the man and his girlfriend fled the house.
Deputies tracked the woman to where she was hiding behind a tree. The man was located in a neighboring house and was arrested.
The chainsaw was located in the house where the incident took place.
Pretty decent crime but what an awful getaway.
Bite of the Week
I feared docs would amputate my penis after nasty black widow spider bite
A man in Ireland feared that he would lose his penis after incurring a nasty black widow spider bite, which caused a golf-ball-sized lump to sprout up perilously close to his private parts.
“I was convinced I would lose my penis,” Fergus Farrelly, 26, told SWNS of the fiasco, which began on Jan. 7, after he woke up with a painful, marble-sized bump in an unspecified spot near his member.
The construction worker, who was staying with his mother in Ulster at the time, said he initially dismissed it — but over the next few days, the welt swelled in size until it was a little too close for comfort.
“When I woke up and saw this lump, I had no idea what it was — but it got larger and larger as days passed,” exclaimed the flummoxed fellow.
Farrelly finally decided to report to the emergency room at Cavan General Hospital on the advice of his girlfriend after the bump ballooned to the size of a golf ball and turned a disgusting shade of purple. However, doctors insisted that he needed to see a specialist and transferred him to the larger Beaumont Hospital in Dublin.
Unfortunately, just like Farrelly, the doctors had no idea what had caused the lump.
To make matters worse, just hours after Farrelly arrived at the hospital, the cyst exploded, leaving a massive crater near his penis, SWNS reported. In order to prevent an infection, doctors hooked the poor patient up to an IV drip of antibiotics and also conducted blood tests to get to the bottom of the bite.
“I was in hospital for days on all kinds of drips after the giant lump burst — that was when I thought I would lose my penis altogether,” lamented Farrelly. The Irishman added that the pain was so “unbearable” he couldn’t even walk or move.
Finally, after several agonizing days, Farrelly’s test results arrived. The patient claimed that they contained the toxin of a black widow spider, a venomous black arachnid identifiable by the red hourglass pattern on their abdomen.
It’s really quite simple: don’t f*ck spiders. Speaking of which…
Black Widow of the Week
Woman allegedly decapitated lover while high during sex, hid body parts
A 24-year-old Wisconsin woman allegedly killed and dismembered her lover during a drug-fueled sex session — dumping his head and penis in a bucket and his legs in a crockpot.
The brunette seductress, Taylor Schabusiness, then allegedly told police they were “going to have fun trying to find all of the organs,” WBAY reported.
The mutilated victim in the ghastly crime Thursday was a 25-year-old Green Bay man whom investigators have not identified.
On Tuesday, Schabusiness made her first appearance in Brown County Court via video conference on charges of first-degree intentional homicide, mutilating a corpse and third-degree sexual assault.
Prosecutors said the sexual assault charge is for acts that took place after the man was dead, WBAY reported.
Police were called to a home on Stony Brook Lane about 3:30 a.m. Feb. 23 by a resident who reported finding her son’s head in a bucket, according to the news outlet.
She said she made the shocking discovery after being awakened by a door being slammed.
Schabusiness, who investigators learned may have been the last person to be seen with the victim, was found at a home on Eastman Avenue with dried blood on her clothes, WBAY reported.
During a search of her van, police found a crockpot with human remains, including legs, according to a criminal complaint cited by the outlet.
At the mother’s house of horrors, they later found the head and “male organ” in the bucket, an upper torso in a storage tote, “body fluid” and knives.
When asked about what happened, the suspect reportedly said, “That’s a good question.”
She told police she and the man had been smoking meth before going to his mother’s house, where they had sex using chains, according to WBAY.
Schabusiness said she had blacked out at one point, then went “crazy” and began choking her partner — insisting she did not mean to kill him but enjoyed choking him.
She said “police were going to have fun trying to find all of the organs as she dismembered the body. Schabusiness stated all of the body parts should be in the basement,” according to the complaint.
“Schabusiness stated she used knives that she obtained from the kitchen of the residence and that a bread knife worked the best because of the serrated blade,” the complaint continues.
She also said she planned on taking all the body parts with her but “got lazy and only ended up putting the leg/foot in the van and she forgot the head,” according to the complaint.
Just like the black widow, meth heads kill after they mate.
White Witch of the Week
“Incredibly” Intoxicated Coral Springs Woman Tries Grabbing Policeman’s Penis, Kicks Officer
An “incredibly” intoxicated Coral Springs woman failed an alcohol breath test with a result more than five times the legal limit, then tried to grab a policeman’s penis before kicking an officer, court records show.
Coral Springs Police said Bethany Jones, 45, of Northwest 39th Street, had been drinking heavily on Feb. 23 before she tried to drive around two marked police vehicles blocking off traffic during an accident investigation in the 3600 block of Coral Ridge Drive, according to an arrest affidavit.
A police officer said he stopped Jones as she drove toward the closed-off accident scene. He noticed she was having trouble shifting her light-colored SUV into park and rolling down her window, the records show.
He smelled alcohol on Jones’ breath and asked for her vehicle documents, police said. The intoxicated Jones handed him her driver’s license, but instead of giving him her insurance card and registration, she tried handing him $16 in cash before “asking to be done,” the affidavit states.
“I told Bethany I would not accept a bribe and required insurance and registration,” the officer said. “Bethany then became irritated and yelled she was not trying to bribe me and the items in her hand were the registration and insurance.”
Unable to follow simple commands, or stand up without falling over into traffic, Jones was arrested and placed in the back of a patrol vehicle, records show.
AT Coral Springs Police headquarters, she provided a breath sample of .434, more than five times the legal alcohol limit of .08, police allege.
“It should be noted that while [an officer] was attempting to collect a breath sample from Bethany she tried to grab him by his penis,” police wrote. “He was able to deflect her arm, at which point she stated she was trying to grab his ‘keys’ which were affixed to his belt. She then inferred he was handsome.”
As officers walked Jones to a holding cell, they tried to help her take her shoes off.
“At this time Bethany decided to intentionally raise her right leg up and forward so that she may then drive it back towards [the officer] at a high rate of speed, striking [the officer] in the right kneecap nearly causing [the officer] to fall to the ground,” police wrote.
Jones was later taken to Broward Health Coral Springs for medical evaluation “due to her incredibly high levels of intoxication,” according to the affidavit.
16 bucks and a hand job from Shrek is not the tantalizing bribe she thinks it is.
Nut of the Week
Man dies after cutting his testicles
Kalaburagi: A 52-year-old man committed suicide by chopping his testicles at Ilakal village in Maski taluk in Raichuru district on Thursday.
Gyanappa Hanumappa was suffering from gangrene for a couple of years. His legs were infected and unusable.
This has led him to take the extreme step. He chopped his testicles with a knife at home when he was alone. His nephew Manikappa tried to take him to a hospital but Gyanappa had died by then.
Police took the body for post-mortem and later handed it over to the family.
The best way he could think of to snuff it was chopping off his nuts?
Ass of the Week
Man blows up his own bum by strapping dynamite to backside and detonating it
A man has had to seek emergency medical treatment after shoving a “dynamite-like” device into his bum and detonating it.
The horrific incident was reported in a medical journal compiled by researchers led by Ali E. Zumrutbas at the Department of Urology at Pamukkale University School of Medicine in Denizil, Turkey.
In the report, they say: “This case reports a schizophrenic patient who had a multisystem genitourinary and rectal trauma after self-detonation of an explosive in the rectum and managed with reconstructive surgery without any postoperative complications.
“Lower urinary tract anatomy was preserved and full continence was achieved after the surgical procedure.”
“A 35-year-old man was admitted to the emergency department of our hospital for rectal injury,” also pointing out that the man had a history of self-mutilation.
The man, which the report did not name, had previously amputated his testicles and also had a history of multiple skin incisions.
The report continued: “He inserted a dynamite-like small explosives into his rectum and fired it.
I had a similar incident last week after a night of Mexican food and tequila.
Shithole of the Week
Man who smeared feces in a woman’s face on subway platform is already back on NYC’s streets
The man accused of smearing feces in a woman’s face on the subway, is already back out on New York City’s streets – a regular pattern for the criminal menace who has been arrested 44 times only to be released to terrorize another New Yorker.
Just one week before the horrifying subway attack, Frank Abrokwa had been arrested for allegedly threatening a hardware store employee with a screwdriver but had been released without bail.
The 37-year-old was also arrested on January 7, for allegedly punching a 30-year-old man on a subway platform at 125th Street and Lenox Avenue and on February 5, for hitting a 53-year-old man at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.
But each time, thanks to New York’s lax new bail reform laws, the career criminal did not have to post bail and was released.
A few days after threatening the store employee during a robbery, Abrokwa allegedly lunged at the woman at the East 241st Street subway station on February 21, smearing feces on her face.
Things are literally getting shittier for New Yorkers.
Raid of the Week
Fed arrested in McAllen for driving drunk to raid, crashing into unit
A drunk federal agent carrying a loaded weapon in McAllen was arrested Wednesday after crashing into another unmarked unit on his way to a raid, according to local police.
Police responded to the collision between two unmarked law enforcement units in the 2700 block of West La Vista in McAllen around 5 a.m. Wednesday. The officer encountered William Bernard McCarthy Jr., 37, an agent with Homeland Security Investigations, standing behind his 2020 blue Dodge Durango.
After taking McCarthy’s concealed weapon, a 9mm Glock 26 Gen 4, from his holster, the officer inspected it and found it was loaded with 10 rounds in the magazine and one round in the chamber.
The police secured the weapon and spoke to McCarthy, who admitted he was driving and said “he struck the other vehicle on his way to a raid in slurred speech,” the officer noted in his report.
McCarthy said he had been drinking.
“He had a couple of beers yesterday night at 9 p.m.,” the affidavit stated.
A series of standardized field sobriety tests were prompted by the “odor of consumed alcoholic beverage” emitting from the agent’s breath.
McCarthy swayed during a gaze test, struggled to balance during a “walk and turn” examination and was unable to stand properly for the “one leg stand” test. He was arrested and taken to the police department where his breath alcohol samples were .203 g/210L and 0.200 g/210 L, according to the police report.
Due to the high level of intoxication, McCarthy was charged with a Class A misdemeanor. Since he had his weapon at the time of the criminal incident, drunk driving, he was also charged with unlawful carrying of a weapon, another Class A misdemeanor.
A spokesperson for Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the agency encompassing HSI, provided a response affirming they are addressing the incident.
It’s not like these guys have anything better to do with Biden in charge.
Mug of the Week
Suspect in stolen Lexus yelled ‘I’m drunk’
An 18-year-old woman faces felony charges after police found her in a stolen Lexus and she told them she was drunk.
Navaeh Thomas, who was released on bond from Scott County Jail, faces a charge of first-degree theft, a Class C felony, court records say.
Shortly before 2:15 p.m. Thursday on the 1600 block of West Kimberly Road, Davenport, officers found a 2018 Lexus RX 350 that was stolen out of Henry County, an arrest affidavit says.
Police say she tried to flee in the stolen Lexus. Thomas then was located at a public gas station, and had alcohol on her breath, the affidavit says.
She had “watery eyes, slurred speech, and trouble controlling her emotions,” police say in the affidavit.
She shouted for help as soon as police took her into custody, the affidavit says. “When asked what she needed help for, she yelled ‘I’m drunk,’” the affidavit says.
She’s lovely.
Hot Shot of the Week
Florida man charged with murder after suicide pact with girlfriend at shooting range
The survivor of an apparent murder-suicide pact has been charged with his girlfriend’s death, officials said.
Alec Almanzar, 23, fatally shot Ayadalis Chalas, 21, at the Hot Shot Shooting Range in Holly Hill on Oct. 7, police said.
The pair went to the shooting range and rented a 9mm Glock handgun from the business that afternoon, Holly Hill police Lt. Chris Yates told The Daytona Beach News-Journal.
“Basically, they just put their heads together and he shot into her head,” Yates said on Thursday. “The bullet went through her head into his head.”
Yates said a suicide note wasn’t found.
According to surveillance video from the shooting range, the couple asked for two targets and obtained eye and ear protection and a box of ammunition before heading to the shooting lanes.
A camera recorded Almanzar talking to Chalas as he loaded the firearm and then fired at the targets one at a time.
He then positioned himself so the right side of his head was touching the left side of Chalas’ head, the newspaper reported. He pointed the gun and pulled the trigger. But the gun misfired.
After checking the gun, he then fired three shots at the target before firing at Chalas’ head as his head touched hers, police said.
Chalas was dead when rescue workers arrived. Almanzar was sitting in a chair with a compress on his head.
After he was released from the hospital on Dec. 15, Almanzar went with his family to New York. He was extradited back to Florida to face second-degree murder charges, Yates said.
Worst breakup ever.
WTF? of the Week
Porn star with ostomy says ‘confidence is sexiest thing’ as she talks disability
A porn star who says she’s the first to have an colostomy bag on set claims “confidence is the sexiest thing a person can wear”.
GoAskAlex, 24, faced life-changing surgery back in 2019 which left her struggling to get back to work right away.
Now as it’s been over two years since her op, the adult actress feels sexier than ever – and we love it.
In an exclusive interview with Daily Star, Alex revealed details of the past few years and how she’s got to where she is today.
She admitted: “After undergoing my colostomy in 2019, I struggled with returning to work.
“I found that I had a lot less energy and my new body took some getting used to.”
The Canada native believes she is the first porn star to display her colostomy pouch – and she’s not ashamed of her disability.
She added: “Over time, I became more comfortable in my body and was able to express myself again.
A colostomy bag is a small waterproof pouch used to collect waste from the body.
It involves a surgical procedure known as colostomy and formed between the large intestine and abdominal wall.
Although there might be a stigma behind these things, Alex hasn’t felt like it’s a problem with her line of work.
She said: “I have yet to experience any negative comments about my disability from fellow industry performers.
I do not want to see this woman’s “anal” scenes.
