This week’s biggest WTF? saw Joe Biden “solving” the gas crisis he created by shipping U.S. Petroleum Reserves off to China. Here’s some other WTF? that makes very little sense:
Headline of the Week
Wajackoyah’s proposal to trade hyena testicles, snakes retrogressive — lobby
Lobby groups have termed a proposal by Roots presidential candidate Prof George Wajackoyah to trade hyena testicles and snakes as retrogressive.
Last Thursday during the launch of the party’s manifesto, Wajackoyah said he will export hyena meat to China to boost the country’s revenue streams, if elected.
“It is said that a thousand hyenas have got about 2,000 testicles and that a testicle is used for medicinal purposes in China. Its value is about Sh6 million, which is much more than ganja therefore, we will export the testicles,” he said.
Wajackoyah who also seeks to legalise bhang said snake raring will also see the development of shoe making industry in Kenya.
Environmental Rights Organisation on Thursday issued a statement saying glorifying the trade in hyena testicles and snakes is retrogressive and has historically harmed the country.
Sounds like a better deal than Biden got with our oil reserves.
Crack Head of the Week
Man cracks penis during sex, diagnosed with rare ‘eggplant deformity’
An unlucky Indonesian man was diagnosed with a rare penis condition, called “eggplant deformity,” after fracturing his manhood while having sex with his wife. His wince-worthy whoopie wound was detailed in the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports.
“We present a case report of severe penile fracture associated with sexual intercourse,” reads the July report regarding the phallic fiasco.
The 50-year-old patient had reported to the hospital, claiming that his penis had been swollen for four hours following a mishap in the sack. According to the study, the frisky fellow had been “having intercourse with his wife when he felt a ‘crack,’ ” whereupon he lost his erection, and suffered urethral bleeding and an inability to ejaculate.
A subsequent examination revealed that his penis had turned purple and was severely deviated to the right like a question mark, as seen in graphic photos included in the case study.
Meanwhile, the mangled member also sported a hematoma — or blood clot — that ran from the penis tip to the scrotum, as well as a ruptured urethra, which could’ve impeded urine flow if untreated.
Doctors diagnosed the poor soul with “eggplant deformity,” where the penis buckles due to blunt trauma during sex. This generally occurs after the member slips “out of the vagina during intercourse” and strikes the female genitalia, according to a case study published in 2015 in the Medical Journal Armed Forces India. In addition, the eggplant deformity can lead to permanent disfigurement and impotence if untreated.
In order to res-erect the man’s misshapen member, doctors cut open the penis and fixed the fractured urethra and penis tissue with soluble stitches, according to the study. They then drained the hematoma and then tested his penile function with an “artificial erection.”
Doctors further treated it by baking it with some parmesan cheese.
Dick of the Week
Woman shocked by penis-shaped dessert at PoCo restaurant
For over a decade, a woman and her family would visit a Chinese restaurant in Port Coquitlam for its good food and friendly staff. But after she was surprised with a phallic-shaped dessert during a birthday dinner with her family, she says, “I wouldn’t go there again.”
Reddit user Pancakesorwaffles8 posted about a bizarre encounter at a restaurant that left her feeling embarrassed and in shock.
Daily Hive spoke to the Reddit user and agreed to keep her name anonymous to protect her employment.
She explains, that she celebrated her birthday with family from the area and overseas. Her nearly 90-year-old grandmother, aunt, mother, brother and fiancé were all able to make it to her dinner celebration at the Wah Wing Szechuan Restaurant.
After dinner and a cake cutting, another restaurant staff member placed a dessert that was “very clearly a penis shape.”
“I have never seen anything like this before except like at a like a bachelorette party,” Pancakesorwaffles8 said.
The woman said she started to laugh out of shock because “I just couldn’t believe it.”
From what the woman has observed, a majority of customers dine with their families at this family-run restaurant. Because of this demographic, she wants to warn others of this possible surprise and is suggesting to the restaurant that they warn customers before serving this “special dessert.”
“I don’t want to be the type of person that causes a really negative publicity and wants to cancel people … but if this is what they want to … serve, then surely they’re free to … but please don’t surprise people with this.”
Next time don’t order the Cream of Sum Yun Gai.
Cock of the Week
Jacksonville man arrested after police say he killed neighbor’s pet rooster
A Jacksonville man has been accused of murdering his neighbor’s rooster. Now, a feud between the two has ended in a 30-hour jail stay and a lot of fighting.
James Nix says it happened mid-May of this year.
“I didn’t know to give it a 21-gun salute!” Nix said, “CPR, mouth-to-mouth, do you know? Or call the chicken ambulance?”
Nix says it only happened because the rooster was attacking him.
“I’m defending myself, you know. I was fearing for my safety, and the chicken died.”
He explained his side of the story: “I just checked my mail and turn around and go, and I hear, ’Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!’ And I turn around, and there’s a chicken out there in the street. I said, ’Oh boy, here we go.’”
“Turn around, walk to my place bang bang bang bang bang now the chickens in my yard! Now it’s neck flares up,” he said.
He says what happened next was an accident.
“So I pick up a stick in the yard, and I try to hit it. But the chickens jumping up at me, and I accidentally knocked in the head, you know? Call it a lucky shot, whatever.”
After animal control investigated, Nix was arrested for animal cruelty.
“Next thing you know, he calls the chicken police on me,” Nix said.
Nix says he still doesn’t understand why his neighbor would have called the police on him.
“Chickens die every day, people — at Churches, Popeyes, Kentucky Fried Chicken.”
I’m sure Trayvon Martin’s family is upset over the uneven application of Florida’s Stand Your Ground law.
Nut of the Week
Wallsend ear bite thug got taste of his own medicine when victim injured his genitals
A shocked thug got a taste of his own medicine when his victim squeezed his genitals in order to bring his ordeal to an end.
Darren Mills had knocked a man to the ground in an Aldi car park with a blow to the back of his head then punched and kicked him and bit his ear. A court heard the attack was encouraged by Mills’ stepfather, Anthony Knox, who said “do him in, do him in”.
Newcastle Crown Court heard the victim chose his own painful way to halt the violence, by squeezing Mills’ testicles “as hard as he could”. Mills was left with “serious injury” to his privates, which were swollen and scratched.
The court heard the victim had a bloody nose, a wound to his ear and broken left wrist. He said in a victim statement he still suffers the affects of the violence three years later and added: “I was assaulted in broad daylight, I was attacked from behind. I have no idea why I was assaulted in such a manner.”
Rachel Hedworth, defending Mills, told the court: “He had quite serious injury to his testicles, which were swollen with significant scratch marks.” Miss Hedworth said it was the squeeze to the testicles that caused Mills to bite the victim’s ear to get him to stop.
That defense is just nuts.
Ass Man of the Week
Man accused of shooting woman a total of 9 times, 6 in the buttocks
A man was indicted Thursday for allegedly shooting a woman nine times.
Jomario Gunn is facing two counts of felonious assault.
Police say that Gunn fired at a woman with a handgun during an attempted robbery. He hit her six times in the left buttock while she was running away from him. Once she fell, police say Gunn shot her twice in the right arm and once on the right side of her face.
His bond is $500,000 for the assault charges and $400,000 for the attempted robbery charges.
He likes big butts and he cannot lie.
Shit of the Week
Influencers are being paid for ‘wealthy Dubai men and camels to poo on them’
Influencers looking to live the high life in Dubai are reportedly being paid to let wealthy men and camels poo on them.
In exchange for free flights to Dubai and exclusive treatment, the models have reportedly been asked to engage in all manner of grim activities from being urinated on to eating camel poo.
One social media user claimed a friend of theirs had been summoned to a ‘Porta Potty’ party at a secluded mansion while she was in the UAE and made to do all manner of horrific things in exchange for 50k.
“The men came in and the girls were instructed to strip. She said she watched in horror as a German man walked over to a bucket and took a s*** before he hand-fed it to a girl.
“One girl had the contents of the bucket stuffed up her.
“She ate a solid piece of s***.
“Girls had to slide across the floor on their stomachs, licking up s***.
“There were human centipede actions.”
They went on to claim that their friend lasted the whole party and was paid 50k for her trouble, however it wasn’t without great cost.
They continued: “She went home and took a work sabbatical as well as intense therapy because the sight of anything brown and creamy triggered her.”
Until now, I had now idea what “Influencers” do.
Shit-Poster of the Week
Feces, assumed to be human, sent to Ohio GOP senators through mail
An investigation is underway after each of the Ohio GOP senators were mailed feces; however, the envelopes were intercepted Thursday before reaching the lawmakers.
The Statehouse mail room received most of the excrement-filled letters, but the Cleveland and Akron post offices intercepted a few. The return addresses were fake, Senate GOP spokesperson John Fortney told News 5.
“We’re assuming human,” Fortney said, after being asked by News 5’s Morgan Trau if the feces came from a human or an animal.
The whole situation is ridiculous, he added.
“I’m really angry about it,” Fortney said. “These are a bunch of little scared, little cowards that wouldn’t say s*** or a thing to you face-to-face, right, they would rather send it in the mail.”
State Sen. Kristina Roegner, a Republican from Hudson, told News 5 that she trying to be understanding.
A few Republicans told News 5 they are assuming the feces envelopes line up with Roegner’s six-week abortion ban going into effect.
“This is a highly charged and emotional issue, there’s passion on both sides,” the lawmaker continued. “But we need to engage in civil discourse.”
I hate to break it to you but that’s as civil as democrats get.
Shit Sandwich of the Week
Russians served mouldy Big Macs and insects in country’s new knock-off McDonald’s chain
A new Russian fast-food chain set up to replace McDonald’s has been caught serving mouldy burgers and ‘insect legs’.
The new restaurants have sprung up in chains that used to be McDonald’s after the fast-food giant pulled out of Russia following Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.
They have been rebranded as Vkusno I Tochka – meaning ‘Tasty and that’s it’ – but judging by the reaction of customers, they’re anything but.
Eaters have complained of mould on the buns of their buns in several outlets, said Ksenia Sobchak, a popular TV celebrity and the Russian opposition’s most prominent woman politician.
Separately, “insect legs” have been glimpsed in the Russian burgers.
Other complaints at the new Russian chain are a lack of meat in cheeseburgers, and cheese sauces with expired use-by dates.
Posting on her Telegram channel, Sobchak complained: “Vkusno I Tochka sells mouldy burgers.
“It looks like they don’t quite honour the standards of McDonald’s, at least in terms of product quality control.
It’s slightly better than the shit burger Putin is eating over his pathetic invasion of Ukraine.
Grave Rubber of the Week
Hernando man exposed self to women at cemetery, post office: deputies
Hernando County deputies arrested a man Wednesday after they said he exposed himself to women at a cemetery and post office on two separate days.
Deputies said they arrested 28-year-old Daniel Ray Simpson on two counts of indecent exposure/exposure of sexual organs.
HCSO said they first got a call on Saturday from a woman to report an indecent exposure incident at a Brooksville cemetery.
Deputies said the woman told them she was visiting a friend’s gravesite when she saw a man nearby watching her with his pants around his ankles “fondling himself.”
Once the woman noticed what the man was doing, he allegedly pulled his pants up and ran away.
Hernando deputies then got a call the next day reporting another indecent exposure in Brooksville. This time deputies said it happened at a post office.
This woman told deputies that a man said “hi” to her inside the post office. She ignored him and quickly left. While walking back to her car, she looked back to make sure Simpson wasn’t following her.
That’s when she said she saw him unzip his pants and fondle himself.
Deputies found and arrested Simpson on Wednesday. He was taken to the Hernando County Detention Center on a $10,000 bond.
What girl wouldn’t want a guy whacking off in cemetery?
Stoners of the Week
Plant lovers held hostage at gunpoint after idiot thugs mistook hobby for cannabis farm
A tropical plant-loving couple were held hostage at gunpoint after idiotic robbers mistook their plants for a cannabis farm and said they felt like ‘pigs waiting to be slaughtered.’
The anonymous pair were held captive in their home at gunpoint by Christopher Honey, 34, and Shaun Fargher, 35, in a “traumatic” ordeal.
During their time in captivity, one of the defendants made several threats to the couple, including pointing an imitation gun, capable of firing rounds at them while demanding to know where the cannabis was.
When the brainless pair realised there were no drugs on the property, they made off with laptops and phones before locking their captives in their own homes.
However, this was to be their downfall as police used a “find my phone” app on one of the devices which led them straight to them.
If it is an imitation gun, how is it capable of firing rounds?
WTFork? of the Week
Southwest Florida man arrested for threatening family with fork
Lee County Deputies arrested a man they say threatened to stab a Southwest Florida father in the neck with a fork at an Estero restaurant on Wednesday.
Investigators said the family was eating dinner with their two kids at the Wasabi Steakhouse in the Miromar Outlets when the young children became “disruptive and loud,” according to the affidavit.
That’s when security video, provided by the restaurant to NBC2, shows Joseph Vadder, 49, at the table next to the family become agitated and start arguing with the father.
According to the arrest report, Vadder threatened the father and his family. The report went on to say “the situation became more hostile as [Vadder] picked up a fork, looked at the victim and threatened to use the fork to stab him in the throat.”
The family soon left the establishment after Vadder allegedly got “inches from [the father’s] face and continued to be belligerent.”
Moments later, the security video shows Vadder and the woman he was with leave the table, gesturing at the Wasabi staff as they exited the building.
Investigators said the father of the family and Vadder continued to exchange words in the parking lot as the family got in their car. Vadder is also accused of punching the family’s car window, causing damage.
The guy’s name is pronounced the same as Darth Vader so apparently he was seduced by the dark side of the forks.
WTF? of the Week
Cops shoot kidnap suspect in head after he held his therapist hostage
A Florida kidnapping suspect was shot in the head by a deputy trying to free a therapist taken hostage and repeatedly raped during a harrowing, 15-hour ordeal, authorities said.
Tzvi Allswang, 20, suffered a serious injury, but survived and was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail on Wednesday, the sheriff’s office said.
Deputies responded to Allswang’s home in Boca Raton around 6:30 p.m. Saturday after getting a call from the victim’s partner, asking them to perform a welfare check.
A probable cause affidavit that was obtained by The Post stated that the caller told cops her partner had failed to return home from her client’s house after their therapy session.
When deputies approached the residence, they heard a woman screaming for help and forced their way inside.
Upon reaching the master bedroom, the deputies found Allswang standing inside a closet and holding a knife to a woman’s throat, authorities said.
After Allswang refused repeated commands to drop the knife, Sgt. William Nogueras shot him once in the head, allowing the hostage to break free.
The woman was transported to a hospital in a stable condition and was treated for injuries to her head and body from allegedly being beaten and raped by Allswang.
During an emotional interview with investigators, the woman said that she had gone to Allswang’s home to conduct a therapy session last Friday evening.
At the end of their meeting, the victim said, Allswang grabbed her around the chest in a “bear hug” and told her she could not leave. He then took away the woman’s phone and bound her hands behind her back with duct tape, according to the affidavit.
“During the course of the night she pleaded numerous times for him to let her go and he said that he was not going to let her go,” the court document stated.
Allswang allegedly pummeled the therapist all over her body with his hands and knees, bit her nipple and raped her “multiple times,” including with a vibrating massager, which the victim said “really hurt her.”
The woman told detectives that on several occasions during her captivity, she thought Allswang was going to kill her.
Allswang faces a half-dozen felony charges, including attempted murder with a weapon, four counts of sexual battery with force, and kidnapping.
Yet another reason why the liberal plan to replace cops with mental health workers is a bad idea.
