This week the Biden administration announced it would do literally whatever they can to keep Donald Trump from running in 2024 by raiding his house and seizing things like photographs and signed napkins. Here’s some other WTF? that probably sounded like a good idea before it went to shit:
Headline of the Week
I believe God gave me herpes to turn my life around — now I’m happier than ever
A Las Vegas mother says God gave her genital herpes as a “wake-up call” to turn her life around.
Alexandra Harbushka, now 39, was diagnosed with the STI in 2011 after contracting it from her then-boyfriend.
The Nevada native — who now runs the website LifeWithHerpes — was in her late 20s and feeling directionless at the time, living with her parents, struggling with her finances and frequently binge drinking.
“I believe that God was giving me messages that I wasn’t on my path. I wasn’t being who I was meant to be,” Harbushka told Kennedy News in an interview. “Finally, he gave me herpes so I would wake up, listen and make changes.”
Despite its prevalence, the “stigma” of the STI sent Harbushka spiraling into depression before she finally managed to see the infection as a “physical manifestation” sent from God.
“It was absolutely devastating, crushing and suffocating,” the brunette recalled. “I thought that now I had herpes, nothing mattered. I didn’t think I was deserving of love.”
“It took me two years before I came to terms with it,” she said, adding: “I felt like Eeyore from ‘Winnie the Pooh.’ I cried every day, I just couldn’t seem to get out of this fog.”
I was going to ask what god she worships but now I want to know what “Winnie the Pooh” book she’s reading.
Prick of the Week
Biologist’s Cactus Planter Takes Turn As “Bathing Lady” Sprouts Blossoming Penis
A blossoming bubble-bathing cactus has surprised and delighted the internet, as one biologist’s botanical endeavors developed unexpected appendages. The artwork in question is a prickly diptych named “bathing ladies”, a name which the artist later revised owing to the fact that the bathing cactus pair appear to have developed penises.
“So I tried to create a cute bubble bath cactus planter a couple years ago but then it grew a grotesque face, extra appendages, and a penis and then it grew ruby slippers and the penis blossomed and now I don’t know what to tell my kids and nobody wants to tour my garden anymore,” wrote biologist and cactus enthusiast Colton Finch
The cactus’s “penis” grew between the legs of the monkey tail cactus (Hildewintera colademononis), having emerged from beneath glass pebble bubbles. It’s since erupted forth in blossoming an impressive pinkish-red flower. How fitting.
SCOTUS Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson said she couldn’t define a woman because she’s not a biologist but it turns out actual biologists have a problem with it too.
Dick of the Week
Hunter Biden attributes his penis obsession to ‘body dysmorphia’
Hunter Biden said his obsession with naked selfies was a result of “body dysmorphia,” according to a rambling screed found in the notes of his hard drive.
“I loved to be reassured that my 9-inch very big penis was actually big. It may sound funny to you but its [sic] body dysmorphia … I know my penis is almost twice the size of an average man’s penis,” the first son wrote on July 12, 2018. The note was found in the hard drive of a laptop Biden left at a Delaware computer store in April 2019.
In addition to his web of shady overseas business dealings, one of the most recurring and consistent themes in the abandoned laptop are homemade pornography, selfies in varying states of undress, drug use, and images he took of his manhood in various states of arousal.
Just one day after writing the note, Hunter Biden posted a series of images of himself having sex with an unnamed woman.
The hard-drive note is mostly an extended denunciation of Hallie Biden, the widow of Beau Biden, with whom Hunter began a tempestuous relationship after his brother’s death from brain cancer in 2015.
“When the woman you have given up everything for says to a crowd of people ‘il [sic] loved Beau, I’m addicted to Hunter.’ What does anyone who has an addiction want to do more than anything. They want to rid themselves of that awful obsession,” he wrote.
“Any transgression on her part is forgiven because they all know she was under the influence of Hunter. She never acted this way before. Jesus what the f—k did Hunter do now,” he continued, adding that a “sadistic” Hallie Biden would often insult his manhood as a way to “tear down my already fragile ego.”
What does he attribute his obsession with crack and hookers to?
C*nt of the Week
Sex worker jailed for inflicting blade wound on lady’s genitals
For using a blade to inflict wounds on a lady and inserting ground ginger and pepper into her vagina, a Kumasi Circuit Court has committed Bella Yakubu, 28, a Nigerian sex worker based in Kumasi, to five years imprisonment with hard labour.
She pleaded guilty to the charge of causing bodily harm and was convicted on her plea.
Bella used the blade to inflict wounds on the face, thighs and private parts of her victim, Ms Ruth Korn, also a Nigerian, for allegedly snatching her boyfriend.
Presenting the facts of the case, Chief Inspector Benjamin Moore Ankrah said the convict and the victim were both residents of Dichemso in the Ashanti Region.
He said the convict accused the victim of trying to snatch her boyfriend and warned her to stay away from him lest she would ‘design’ her face with a blade.
He said on July 19, 2022, at Diamond Hotel at Dichemso, a suburb of Kumasi in the Ashanti Region, Bella (with other accomplices now at large) managed to lure the victim to the place and inflicted the wounds on her.
The victim was found by a police patrol team whose members rushed her to the Manhyia Government Hospital where she was given first aid before being referred to the Komfo Anokye Teaching Hospital for treatment.
It looks like they treated her wig too.
Illegal Entry of the Week
Court Approves Deferred Entry Of Judgment For Man Charged With Exposing Himself To Child
The Court has accepted a Deferred Entry of Judgment Agreement for Randolph Peckman on a charge of exposing genitals filed against him in Burnett County Circuit Court.
Peckman was charged in December 2020 with allegedly sexually assaulting a teen female after providing the teen with alcohol and drugs. The criminal complaint filed against Peckman stated that he picked up a female teenager on December 2, 2020, and took the teen female to his residence. While at the residence, Peckman provided the teen female with marijuana and tobacco. The criminal complaint states that Peckman removed her clothing and assaulted her with his hands and mouth.
Peckman was charged with Class C Felony 2nd Degree Sexual Assault-Intoxicated Victim; Class I Felony Exposing Genitals to a Child; 2 counts of Class D Felony Child Enticement; Misdemeanor Possession of Tetrahydrocannabinols; and Misdemeanor Possession of Drug Paraphernalia.
The Hon. John Anderson accepted Peckman’s plea of Guilty to his charges of Possession of Tetrahydrocannabinols; and Misdemeanor Possession of Drug Paraphernalia and ordered that Peckman serve 1 year of probation on each count.
Judge Anderson also accepted a 2-year Deferred Entry of Judge Agreement on Peckman’s charge of Class I Felony Exposing Genitals to a Child with 2 years of probation also required.
If only there were some kind of warning sign that this guy is a pedophile.
Ass of the Week
Derbyshire man “slapped” exposed buttocks – holding up traffic at McDonald’s
Simon Slater, 43, was taking a break from a “cocktail” of medication after suffering three heart attacks and two strokes when the incident happened on July 24.
Slater had drunk an entire bottle of Jagermeister as well as several pints during a trip to the pub prior to the embarrassing scene on Bakewell Road, Matlock.
Sian Young told Chesterfield Magistrates Court how at around 6.10pm an emergency call was made to police that “a white male was sat in the middle of the road”.
Ms Young said: “He was exposing and slapping his buttocks for oncoming traffic – the gentleman was this defendant.
“He was described as shouting ‘I want to die’ – police attended and restrained the male who was extremely intoxicated.
“This was demonstrated by his slurred speech, red and glazed eyes and prolific swearing and showing his middle finger to oncoming drivers.”
Slater, who had 11 convictions for 24 offences already, was arrested for assaulting an emergency worker after spitting at an officer, who he also called a “ginger k***head”.
Seems like a reasonable way to recover from multiple heart attacks and strokes.
Pu Pu Platter of the Week
Viral video of baby eating poop while dad is distracted enrages and amuses millions in China
The father and his son, who reside in Changchun, Jilin province of northeast China, are shown in the video next to each other as the 9-month-old plays with his feces while the father is laying on the floor, distracted by his phone.
After playing around with his feces, the baby takes a bite, scrunches his face in disgust and begins flailing his arms around. The father, however, remains oblivious to the situation as he continues to look at his phone.
Later, when the baby’s mother, surnamed Huo, returned home from work, she discovered that their mat covers had been replaced. Suspicious, Huo questioned her husband about the mat covers.
“When I got home from work, I noticed that all of the mat covers had been changed, and I was wondering why he was so diligent about doing laundry,” Huo told Sohu Clairvoyance. “The baby was pooping, playing with, and even eating his own feces right next to him, but he didn’t notice it until five minutes later. The baby kept looking at him the entire time, but he didn’t sense anything was wrong.”
The video left millions of Weibo users either amused or outraged at the situation, with some criticizing the father for not paying close attention.
“The child took a bite, frowned and shivered,” one user wrote.
“No sense of responsibility,” another user commented.
Hou flung poo?
Hosers of the Week
Topless bloodied thugs stormed beach with chainsaws screaming ‘you’re f*****’
Beachgoers thought they were in a horror film when a pair of topless thugs charged with chainsaws.
A woman who came ‘face to face’ with the men who had blood splattered all over their bare chests, described the moment as like a “f****** movie”.
Anyone making the most of heatwave by visiting the seaside this weekend will do well to avoid being caught up in anything similar to the disturbing scenes at Cherry Beach, Toronto, Canada.
Even louder than the deafening sound of the pair’s revving chainsaws, was the yell of one of them declaring “you’re f***ed” as they marched towards a group.
“Who the f*** hit me?” Can be heard being aggressively yelled in the clip recorded two years ago in August.
Both men appear to be bleeding and police later said they had been involved in an earlier fight and came back looking to even the score.
Toronto Police responded to reports of the men’s presence in a statement saying: “It is alleged that two men involved in the original altercation suffered injuries.
“They then left and returned with weapons.”
It was alleged that the two men sliced through roughly $4,000 (£2,314) worth of DJ equipment with the chainsaws, local news website blogTO reports.
Texas does chain saw massacres way better than Canada.
Horser of the Week
Married man, 52, had sex with pony while drunk and on drugs
A 52-year-old married man had sex with a pony while drunk and on drugs. Abdul Ghani was arrested after horse owners reported finding a torch, bags of carrots and a supermarket receipt discarded in secluded areas.
When a pony was found with black electrical tape and elasticated bandage attached to its tail, a vet and a forensic scientist carried out an examination and a DNA sample from inside the animal matched Ghani. Ghani has been jailed for 10 months and has been banned from entering any field, paddock or stable in England and Wales containing horses, ponies or donkeys, reports YorkshireLive.
Prosecutor Michael Collins said a car linked to Ghani was seen parked near to wear the pony was found and baby oil and a bag of carrots could be seen inside it. When an officer drove by his home an Audi vehicle parked outside was also found to have a bottle of baby oil in it.
After his arrest, Ghani’s mobile phone was downloaded and police found nearly 1,000 internet searches relating to sexual activity with animals, particularly horses. In court Ghani, of Beamsley Road, Frizinghall, admitted having intercourse with an animal.
He had previously told police he “loved the wild” and been going out to watch owls and foxes. He admitted feeding carrots, biscuits and apples to horses.
The man was apparently confused bu the “Free Pony Rides” sign out front.
Spell Caster of the Week
‘Witch’ used ‘Wicca Book of Spells’ and shotgun to set fire to cars at dealership
A woman has been arrested after police say they caught her using a spell book and shotgun to set fire to cars at a used dealership.
Kristy Malzi, 47, is facing charges related to reckless burning, terror threats and simple assault after a tirade at a dealership where vehicles were said to have been set on fire.
Police say the woman, who is reported to have practiced witchcraft, had escaped from a hospital, used pages from a spell book to set one vehicle on fire.
Officers learned through a series of interviews that the dealership had been targeted because of the owner’s previous relationship with Malzi, PennLive reports.
A criminal complaint was submitted, saying Malzi was armed with a loaded shotgun and a copy of the Wicca Book of Spells.
Witnesses to the alleged witchcraft say they noticed a Ford Focus was set alight and that the lot of the dealership was on fire.
One employee attempted to battle the sorcery and flames with a fire extinguisher, which was when they noticed several burnt pages from a book inside the engine compartment of the vehicle.
Police say that the burnt pages found lying around the parking lot were ripped from a copy of the Wicca Book of Spells, which is described as a beginner’s guide to magic and sorcery.
Police also noted that witnesses told investigators that Malzi was believed to be practicing witchcraft, igniting pages from the book before placing them on the driver-side front seat through an open window.
The practicing witch had also pointed a loaded shotgun at the head of her ex-boyfriend and used car dealership owner, hitting him before employees forced her out of the building.
Who knew lighting paper on fire was a magical spell?
Corpse of the Week
Man gets drunk on night out, wakes up to find himself buried in coffin
A man who went on a night out got so drunk that he ended up waking up in a coffin – buried six-foot deep inside the earth.
Victor Hugo Mica Alvarez, 30, was buried alive in a coffin after passing out in the city of El Alto in Bolivia.
Alvarez had been drinking the night before at the opening of the Pachamama festival (Mother Earth festival), where people give thanks to nature and the natural world.
The ceremony is celebrated by the Toba people of South America; an indigenous population who live across Argentina, Paraguay, and Bolivia.
He believes that other party-goers buried him alive as an offering, or sullu, to the planet on August 6.
He told local media, “Last night was the pre-entry (of the festival), we went dancing. And afterwards, I don’t remember. The only thing I remember is that I thought I was in my bed, I wanted to get up to go urinate and I couldn’t move.”
He said, “When I pushed the coffin, I was able to break a glass that it had and that way I was able to get out. They wanted to use me as a sullu.”
When Alvarez reported the incident to the police, they refused to believe him, saying that he was too drunk.
“I went to the police and they told me that I am drunk,” he said.
Or maybe he’s a zombie.
Heist of the Week
Thief caught scooping coins out of monkey enclosure pond ‘could now have deadly herpes’
A thief who broke into a monkey enclosure to steal coins from a pond could have unwittingly caught “potentially fatal” herpes, authorities have warned.
The concerning warning was issued today (August 10) after the break-in took place last night at City Park in Launceston, Tasmania.
The enclosure is home to a population of Japanese macaques, or snow monkeys, who attract tourists and locals alike who then toss coins into the pond.
However, the majority of macaques around the world carry the herpes B virus – including the monkeys at City Park, as a sign next to the enclosure advises.
Mayor Albert Van Zetten said: “Unfortunately, this action has potentially exposed the intruder to the herpes B virus, which is carried by the City Park monkeys.
“The virus is not considered a risk to the monkeys and exhibits symptoms similar to that of cold sores in humans.”
For humans who contract the illness, however, consequences can be more concerning – and can even lead to death.
Van Zetten advised that symptoms include “blistering, pain, numbness near the infection point, flu-like symptoms, including fever, muscle aches, headache, and fatigue, respiratory distress, encephalitis [inflammation of the brain’s active tissues] and neurological dysfunction”.
More than thirty deaths have been caused as a result of contracting the virus – although so far there has only been one confirmed case of human-to-human transmission.
I’ve heard this is a gift from God.
WTF? of the Week
San Diego schools enlist Paula the Penis as part of gender-identity instruction
Last week, conservative social activist Christopher Rufo — who attracted national attention with his crusade against Critical Race Theory in public school curricula before pivoting to what he terms “radical gender theory” — published a report on San Diego Unified documents that outline an effort to, in his words, “dismantle ‘heternormativity’ and break the ‘gender binary.’” Part of that effort included a sex-ed training module produced jointly between San Diego Unified and Planned Parenthood that advised teachers to call biological males “people with a penis,” because, says Rufo, “according to the district, some women can have penises.”
“That’s where I come in,” says Paula the Penis, a biological female who regularly dons an inflatable penis costume and performs for schoolchildren all over California. “Though I was assigned a sex – female – at birth by a gender-binary-dominated societal structure, and though there is a powerful cultural association with being female and not having a penis, by putting on this costume, I can become a person with a penis, no matter my sex, or gender, or sexuality. I’m a walking, talking visual aid, doing my part to take the trauma out of childhood.”
Paula performs her signature “penis pirouette” for students in her transgender tutu. “Some people will say that my presence is ‘inappropriate,’” says Paula. “But that’s only because of a cisgendered, heteronormative, biologically obsessed worldview that still fails to realize that biology does not equal gender does not equal sexuality. Severing the false connection between those things is a big part of my work, which is why it’s so crucial that I be able to reach people when they’re still young enough to hear my message.”
To think, I hated when they started teaching fractions in school.
