This week the democrats voted for their WTF? impeachment and then WTFed it up even more by refusing to send the articles to the Senate. Here’s some other really stupid crap that happened:
Headline of the Week
A woman was sentenced to two years in jail on Friday, following an attempt to smuggle 1,600 MDMA capsules into an event last year.
Grace Poo, 23, tried to enter the Midnight Mafia event at Olympic Park May 5th 2018 but was stopped by sniffer dogs.
The MDMA capsules were found stuffed into several condoms which Poo had hidden in her bra and vagina.
After she was caught Grace told police she had ‘a lot’ of drugs on her
When then asked how much she responded: ‘Like, a lot. A lot of MDMA.’
Her ‘reward’ for carrying the drugs was $200, 40 drug freebies and a ticket to the event.
With a name like Poo, you’d think she would have smuggled the drugs in her butt.
Dick Player of the Week
Booger McFaland Just Drew A Penis On Monday Night Football
It’s been a long season of Monday Night Football, having to listen to Booger McFarland has been ridiculous.
His terrible takes, his mumbling, and now he’s drawing dicks. At least he’s giving America another reason to laugh, about time Booger.
This is the tight end’s least favorite play.
Dick Slayer of the Week
MASTODON’S BRANN DAILOR ONCE HAD A PENIS DRAWN ON HIS FACE BY SLAYER’S DAVE LOMBARDO
There’s an assumption that once you’ve made it as a musician, no one will fuck with you. But that doesn’t take into consideration what mischievous bastards other musicians can be, especially when drinks are flowing and the night moves into the wee small hours. Case in point, Mastodon drummer Brann Dailor has revealed in a recent interview that he made the mistake of falling asleep around former Slayer and current Misfits and Suicidal Tendencies drummer Dave Lombardo — and awoke to find a penis drawn on his face.
Speaking to Rolling Stone about his feelings on the decade, Brann revealed his harrowing experience:
“[Don’t] pass out at a party that Dave Lombardo from Slayer is at, ’cause he drew a penis on my face with a marker,” said Bran. “It was right after the Big Four did a Coachella thing [in 2011], a couple days before we started tracking our album The Hunter. And at a party with Lars Ulrich and all those guys, I passed out like a good boy. And I woke up, walked over to my hotel room and I had a penis drawn on my face.”
I was at that concert and beers were $15, so everyone got dicked at the Big Four.
Ass of the Week
Pennsylvania toddler shoots sleeping father in the buttocks
A Pennsylvania father awoke Thursday evening to find out that he had been shot – by his 3-year-old son, police say.
According to the Erie Times-News, the 26-year-old father was asleep around 6:30 p.m. when the toddler found a small-caliber handgun and shot him in the buttocks.
The Erie man was treated at UPMC Hamot for injuries that were reportedly not life-threatening.
It’s not yet clear how where the child found the loaded gun; there were two other children in the house at the time of the shooting, according to the paper. None of the children were injured.
Wake the f*ck up, daddy.
Glass of the Week
Bottle gobbled up by man’s anus when he ‘tried to scratch an itch’
A patient is recovering after his anus swallowed a bottle while he was trying to relieve an itch.
The man, 60, who is not being identified, insists that he was trying to scratch his anus when the cologne bottle was gobbled up inside him.
He eventually went to hospital where he told doctors he had a pain in his abdomen.
They investigated and when they got to the bottom of it they found the two-inch wide bottle lodged firmly up his posterior.
A probe found the base of the seven inch-long Florida Water cologne bottle around two inches inside his anus.
Dr Lin said: ‘The patient told me: “My abdomen hurts. There’s something inside. I can’t poo or fart”.
‘The entire glass bottle was inside his rectum. I could feel the bottle under his abdomen.
He said his anus was itching. ‘He said: “I was very uncomfortable, so I bought a bottle of Florida Water and began scratching the itch.
‘Then the bottle accidentally went up my rectum”.’
“It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.”
BOGO of the Week
Woman is left with ‘FOUR BREASTS’ by botched plastic surgery that cost her £25,000
A woman in China has ended up having ‘four breasts’ after paying more than £25,000 for a plastic surgery procedure that went wrong.
The mother-of-one said she went for the operation because she felt unhappy about her own figure following her childbirth.
But the botched medical session left her with two growths at each side of her chest. And when she went to a hospital to seek medical attention, a doctor was said to be so shocked by the deformity she said: ‘Gosh, you have four breasts.’
The devastated woman, known by her surname Wang, revealed the horrifying experience in a news show by Guangdong Public Channel.
According to the report, Ms Wang who lives in Shenzhen underwent the procedure in May this year at the IF Aesthetic Surgery in Guangzhou.
She was advised by surgeons to buy two pairs of breasts implants because ‘they said my own breasts had different sizes and they also needed to be augmented’.
So Wang revealed something to Dong and it was 4 breasts? That doesn’t make any sense.
Mug Shot of the Week
Newport man arrested after posting violent threats online
A Newport man is in jail after being accused of threatening to kill family members online.
Vermont State Police got a report that Roger Pion, 41, of Newport, posted threats on Facebook. They say he wanted to seriously hurt or kill multiple members of his family. He was in court Thursday and is now in state custody.
You may remember Pion from an incident in 2012 where he drove a farm tractor to the Orleans County Sheriff’s Department and drove over six cruisers and a van, all because he had a grudge against the department. The prosecutor eventually dropped the charges in that case, saying Pion was not mentally competent at the time of the incident.
Is that a human?
Pug Shot of the Week
Two New Philadelphia women guilty of engaging in sexual conduct with dog
Two women who live in the city have been given suspended 30-day jail sentences for engaging in sexual conduct with a dog.
New Philadelphia Municipal Judge Nanette DeGarmo VonAllman found both women guilty of two counts. A 23-year-old pleaded guilty to one charge and no contest the other. A 30-year-old pleaded no contest to both charges.
They were ordered to serve a year on probation and pay court costs.
Police Detective Capt. Shawn Nelson said video evidence of the crimes was discovered in the course of the Ohio Adult Parole Authority’s monitoring of a parolee.
Bestiality has been illegal in Ohio since 2017.
In Philly, they like cheesesteaks. In New Philadelphia, they like chili dogs.
Sticky Bun of the Week
Former Livingston deputy tainted pastries with semen and sexually abused dog, new documents say
New documents in felony indictments against a former Livingston Parish sheriff’s deputy and his teacher wife describe years of sexual abuse, including rape, animal abuse and serving cupcakes and drinks contaminated with semen.
Dennis Perkins faces 78 felony counts dating back to 2014 that include two adults, two juveniles and a dog. Cynthia Perkins faces 72 charges involving the two juveniles and one of the adults — the accusations against her date to 2019.
A majority of the offenses relate to one juvenile victim under the age of 13 who documents say was the victim of rape, attempted rape, sexual battery, video voyeurism and the production of child pornography over a period of several months in 2019. The documents do not detail the nature of the relationship between either suspect and the child.
The couple also is charged with a count each of mingling harmful substances. Dennis Perkins is accused of ejaculating on various pastries and into bottles of energy drinks that were then ingested by unsuspecting victims.
Cops love glazed doughnuts and coffee with extra cream.
Hand Job of the Week
Woman ‘Happy’ With Job Cleaning Semen Off Horse Pee-Pees: ‘I Don‘t Mind‘
Mercedes Doblin, also known as the Sheath Queen, makes her living cleaning globs of dried semen known as ‘beans‘ off of horses penises.
Doblin has cleaned up roughly 200 horses at $33 a time since quitting her job in October as a carer. She claims she has loved horses always and has never found washing their genitals bothersome. Doblin from Chelmsford, Essex, stated: “I don‘t actually mind doing it at all, I‘m happy that I can make a difference and make a horse happier.”
The build up of dirt, urine and semen gathers into a stone-like cluster known as a bean. Beans can meddle with a horse‘s ability to properly pass urine, which can lead to kidney problems and infections. In the summer, if a horse boasts a bean it can cause even more issues. Mercedes says she has had to dislodge maggots from horse willies before due to flies being attracted to the smell and laying their eggs there.
Removing horse semen isn’t always easy, though. Doblin’s been kicked numerous times but luckily has not sustained any broken bones thus far. She added: “I‘m pretty good at dodging out of the way now! But I have been kicked really hard before and left black and blue with bruises on my leg. Most horses realize that I‘m only trying to help them.”
I thought “flicking the bean” was something entirely different.
Blow Job of the Week
Car explodes when driver lights cigarette in powerful blast
A motorist was lucky to escape with just minor injuries when his car exploded as he lit a cigarette.
The blast was so powerful that his car was left misshapen and windows of nearby buildings in Halifax town centre were broken.
Police said the explosion happened when the driver used an aerosol can air freshener moments before lighting the cigarette on Saturday afternoon.
The force said on Facebook: ‘Shortly after 3pm this afternoon Fountain Street, Halifax, had to be closed due to an exploded aerosol can.’
The statement said that the car was stationary in traffic when the owner used an air freshener can but did not ventilate his car before lighting his cigarette.
‘The fumes exploded and blew out his windscreen, along with some windows at nearby business premises.
‘The owner fortunately sustained only minor injuries but this could have been worse.’
Just admit it, dude. You farted.
Cowlick of the Week
Maquoketa high school students play flag football with a cow tongue to talk about climate change
Students at Maquoketa High School played “cow tongue football,” as part of an Intro to Agriculture lesson on world population growth, hunger and climate change.
“(These issues) are going to hit these teenagers when they’re in the prime of their lives, their forties,” their teacher Dale Gruis says.
Gruis says the point of the lesson is to teach students that with a growing population, there’ll be less food to go around, so people will need to change their diets in order to eat what they can, like a cow tongue.
This lesson was also an opportunity for students to have a fun, interactive class.
“The bottom side is really smooth and wet, but the actual tongue part is gritty and pokey,” Keelan Hoover, freshman, says.
If they really wanted to talk about climate change they should have played flag football with a sack of cow shit.
Jedi of the Week
Luke Skywalker busted for pot possession in Texas
A Texas man named Luke Aaron Skywalker Sexton was busted for marijuana possession after a cop pulled him over and smelled pot in his car, according to reports and jail records.
Skwalker Sexton, 19, was pulled over in Garden Ridge, a city north of San Antonio, on Monday when a police officer noticed his car had no front license plate, a local NBC affiliate reported.
The cop smelled pot in the car and found a baggie of marijuana after searching the vehicle, according to the report.
Sexton allegedly admitted owning the grass and was arrested at the scene.
Spoiler alert: Darth Vaper is Luke Bonghitter’s father.
Sith of the Week
Stripper had sex with boyfriend’s disabled Star Wars-obsessed son then decapitated him
A stripper has been convicted of beheading her boyfriend’s disabled Star Wars-obsessed son after having sex with him.
Roena Cheryl Mills, 43, was last Thursday found guilty of the first-degree murder of 29 year-old Bo White at a house in Lerona, West Virginia, in April 2018.
Mills – who has the phrase ‘special kinda crazy’ tattooed across her chest – reportedly targeted Bo after having sex with him in return for drugs.
She is said to have battered and stabbed him to death before chopping his body up.
The exotic dancer had also been enjoying a relationship with Bo’s dad James, who met her while she worked at a strip club called Southern X-Posure, where some dancers traded sexual favors for drugs.
Bo was described by prosecutor George Silter as being a ‘an awkward, sickly shut-in who didn’t have a real life’, lived off a disability allowance, and loved playing with Star Wars figures.
Mills reportedly began dismembering Bo’s corpse with a regular knife, only to find ‘all that flesh and bone is hard to cut with a good knife.’
She then went to ask a neighbor for a chainsaw in an apparent bid to speed up the disposal of Bo’s body, only to have her request refused.
Afterwards, sheriff’s deputies found Mills in a wooded area next to Bo’s head. Her victim’s body was lying inside his home.
She was arrested and taken to jail, only to then tell deputies ‘You have to let me go back to my heads.’
She gave him some head and then took some head back.
Spreader of the Week
Doorbell camera captures man defecating outside Capitol Hill home, leaving a mess
An unidentified man came onto the porch of a home in Denver’s Capitol Hill neighborhood early Saturday morning and defecated. It was all captured on a doorbell camera.
It’s one of the last things Scott McCoy expected to see while skiing in the mountains over the weekend. He was skiing, when the notifications started popping up on his phone.
“I’m on Gondola 1, heading back down at the end of the day. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” McCoy said.
Through 41 different doorbell videos on his phone, he watched the incident happen. He says it appears the man was intoxicated.
First the suspect rings the doorbell, and then tries to break into the home—just before 2 a.m.
Next, he goes over to a corner of the porch and defecates on it, and then spends the next few hours stumbling and spreading feces all over the porch.
“Unfortunately, he then touches lots of furniture, other parts of the wall, and a window. That’s how we ended up with the current situation where there is excrement all over the porch,” McCoy said…
“Porch Butt Pirate” is now officially a thing.
WTF? of the Week
Drunk scientist ‘caught having sex with corpse’ in autopsy room after footie win
A forensic scientist has been fired on suspicion of having sex with a dead body after a cop allegedly walked in on him in the act.
Local media report Wanderley dos Santos Silva, 52, was fired by the Institute of Legal Medicine for allegedly having sex with a corpse in the city of Manaus, in the north-western Brazilian state of Amazonas.
According to local media reports, an officer from the Department of Forensic Police had gone into the autopsy room in order to collect additional information about a dead woman when he allegedly found Silva having sex with the body.
Silva is said to have pulled his trousers up and fled the scene after realising he had been spotted.
The case was immediately reported to the Department of Forensic Police and Silva along with an unnamed colleague were immediately fired for “serious functional faults”.
The Secretary of Public Security said the pair are suspected of having gone out to celebrate their football team Flamengo winning the Copa de Libertadores and returned to the Institute of Legal Medicine drunk.
Silva was then allegedly caught with the corpse in the early hours of the following morning
These soccer celebrations are ridiculous.
