CNN has been criticized both for their fake news and their liberally biased wall-to-wall Donald Trump coverage. As such, they are making an effort to get back to their roots of hard-hitting journalism, but it turns out they forgot what that was. Or more likely they never knew what real news was in the first place. In any case, CNN did a rare non-Trump related story in which they declared that dogs are stupid. This will almost certainly repair their damaged reputation and earn them a Pulitzer Prize.
This is no joke people. CNN thought this was an important news item today: Sorry, it looks like dogs aren’t really that smart.
What about the people who watch CNN as their primary source for news?
First of all, let’s be clear: Every dog is the best dog, especially yours. But unfortunately, it looks like your drooling, howling, underwear-sniffing, sock-eating angel of perfection is not, you know, especially smart.
What makes this the most CNN thing ever is that the rest of the story isn’t about how dogs are dumb. They are reporting on a study which sought to test the level of exceptionalism in dogs, not their intelligence. Even with this stupid piece, CNN still manages to be fake news.
This distressing news comes from a new study in the journal Learning & Behavior, which seeks to answer the question, “Are dogs really that special?”
The study compares canine cognition to other carnivores, social hunters and domestic animals (all groups that dogs fall into). Researchers used existing information on the behavior of several animals, including wolves, cats, dolphins, chimpanzees, pigs and pigeons to see if dogs possessed any special skills that weren’t recorded in other species.
“Although the comparisons are incomplete…we conclude that dog cognition is influenced by the membership of all three of these groups, and taking all three groups into account, dog cognition does not look exceptional,” reads the study.
Just because dogs don’t have any special skills that other animals don’t have doesn’t mean they aren’t smart, but this is a really dumb way to measure intelligence. Stephen Hawking had no special skills at all, he was basically a vegetable, and he was the smartest man in the world before he died.
If dogs are indeed the stupid ones, what explains this:
Man accidentally shoots self in groin inside Buckeye Walmart
The man was in a Walmart store…when the semiautomatic handgun began to slip as he carried it unholstered in the waistband of his sweatpants, Buckeye police said.
The man told police that when he tried to reposition his loaded gun and keep it from falling, he shot himself in the groin area.
Officers arrived and found the man in the meat department with the gunshot wound, police said.
Yeah, this guy shot his own meat off in the meat department off a Walmart.
Maybe this explains how dogs are the stupid ones:
Woman rescued from trash compactor
A Henrico woman has been freed after she became trapped inside a trash compactor outside her Glen Allen apartment.
The woman, according to witnesses, dropped her keys in the trash compactor. She then stepped inside to retrieve the keys.
Fortunately, a friend of the victim saw the incident and pressed the emergency stop button on the trash compactor.
Or perhaps CNN and the study authors can tell us how this guy has more going on upstairs than dogs:
I don’t even know how that happened, but this guy was busted for meth so that’s probably not his brain being so big that it can’t be contained in his puny human skull.
I would like to see CNN and the study authors do a little analysis of Don Lemon’s intelligence. The CNN anchor did say that it was possible a small black hole swallowed a missing Malaysian airliner. My dog knows dozens of tricks and respects the laws of physics, which makes her infinitely smarter than CNN’s on-air personalities.
