The government may be shutdown for Christmas but insanity never takes a holiday. Here’s a few stories
Headline of the Week
“I would just get on top of them and pull my pants down,” he told a court in a video.
He added: “If I hadn’t had anything to drink when I went into work, it wouldn’t happen. I would go do crack and go in and drink and go in.”
His wife claimed she had alerted a supervisor, after her husband kept returning home smelling like “alcohol and sex”.
Seems like there are worse things he could have smelled like.
Ass of the Week
Pa. woman dies after buttocks-enhancement injection
Police said Tuesday the New York City Chief Medical Examiner has determined 48-year-old Lesbia Ayala died after receiving silicone injections in her buttocks and thighs. (my emphasis)
Maybe this should have been name of the week. It would have been a better story if Lesbia had died in some sort of unfortunate strap-on related mishap.
Goat Of The Week
Woman arrested for allegedly shooting her neighbor’s goat a third time
A Ragley woman faces cruelty to animal charges after a neighbor complained that she allegedly shot his goat, Jeff Davis Parish officials said.
The neighbor told authorities that it is the third time Karen Sue Myers, 53, has shot the goat, according to Chief Deputy Christopher Ivey, with the Jeff Davis Parish Sheriff’s Office.
Ivey said when deputies arrived, they found a wound in the goat’s hindquarter.
This goat cannot die. Maybe it’s in league with Satan. Speaking of which…
Crime Boss of the Week:
Alabama police department blames Satan for spike in homicides
THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN.
ALL-CAPS means this is no bullshit. And speaking of no bullshit, the Rapture may be upon us…
Florida Man of the Week
Tampa death metal rocker had flamethrowers, warned of ‘rapture,’ officials say
Hours before his Northdale rental went up in flames, investigators say Patrick O’Brien, lead guitarist for the death metal band Cannibal Corpse, called relatives warning about “the rapture” and that “aliens have landed.”
The next day, after the fire subsided, fire marshals found a large cache of weapons…
The stash included about 50 shotguns — including one with a barrel illegaly sawed off to about an inch past the stock — 10 semiautomatic rifles including a couple of AK-47 variants, two Uzi-style rifles and 20 handguns…
Authorities even found two flame throwers, according to the warrant, one inside the house and one outside of it.
People are going to make a big deal about the flamethrowers, but I think it’s weird that he had 50 shotguns. Also, I met this guy at a metal festival a few years ago and he was cool AF.
Heist of the Week
‘Porch pirate’ swipes Amazon box, but this is no Christmas gift
A female thief who took an Amazon box from a porch in Shamokin got a big surprise when she opened it.
Robert Lynch, from whose porch the box was taken at 7 a.m. Wednesday, said the package was filled with cat poop he’d forgotten to put out with his trash.
“Whoever it was got cat [poop] for Christmas,” he said.
I’ve actually received worse gifts.
Asshole of the Week
Syracuse cops push St. Joe’s to probe man’s rectum for drugs
Syracuse police, a city court judge and St. Joseph’s Hospital Health Center worked together last year to conduct a highly unusual drug search.
They collaborated to sedate a suspect and thread an 8-inch flexible tube into his rectum in a search for illegal drugs. The suspect, who police said had taunted them that he’d hidden drugs there, refused consent for the procedure.
Liberals always say our Founding Fathers couldn’t have imagined today’s modern weapons when they wrote the Bill of Rights, which is a complete load. This however is probably an unreasonable search and seizure they hadn’t considered.
The Other Asshole of the Week
Science Says: A big space crash likely made Uranus lopsided
Uranus is a lopsided oddity, the only planet to spin on its side. Scientists now think they know how it got that way: It was pushed over by a rock at least twice as big as Earth.
There’s literally nothing that scientists could discover about Uranus that isn’t hilarious.
Dick of the Week
Diabetic left impotent hopes £1,200 ‘Vampire penis jab’ will reignite his sex life
It’s a treatment similar to the Vampire facial made famous by Kim Kardashian
You had me at “Vampire penis jab.”
Traffic Report of the Week
Driver hauling portable toilets killed in crash on SR 520 in Orange County
What a shitty way to go. And here’s another shitty way to go…
Fan of the Week
Man defecates on FedEx Forum hallway floor during sold-out game
While the Memphis Tigers basketball team took on the No. 3 Tennessee Volunteers, a man at the sold-out FedEx Forum took care of his number two business and was subsequently arrested.
A security guard was making her way from a stairwell and saw the man, later identified as 46-year-old Royce Thomos Lodholz, squatting behind a concession stand. She went over to Lodholz and found that he had his pants off his body, exposing himself to several people walking nearby, and was defecating on the floor.
And the Tigers took a shit on the court, losing 102-92.
Case of Mistaken Identity of the Week
Helena man reports being shot at multiple times in the North Hills, officials say
A Helena man target shooting on public land near Helena reported being shot at multiple times by another man who “mistook him for Bigfoot.”
The man, who identified himself to dispatchers as being 27 and from Helena, was reportedly setting up targets on BLM land in the North Hills when, he says, a bullet hit about 3 feet to his left, and then another bullet hit to his right before he ran to cover and heard more shots.
The Helena man told dispatchers he then confronted the shooter, who told him he was “not wearing orange and thought he was Bigfoot,” according to Lewis and Clark County Sheriff Leo Dutton.
So not wearing safety orange equals Bigfoot? There was no picture with the article but this guy must be really hairy or have enormous feet.
WTF? of the Week
Bolingbrook Hate Crime Convict Back In Will County’s Jail
A 30-year-old woman from Bolingbrook convicted of committing hate crimes against long-time Republican conservative Mayor Roger Claar by spray-painting numerous swastikas and obscenities across his house last year is back in Will County’s custody.
Woman?
