In a week where Biden faked the White House, democrats said $3.5 trillion equals zero, and AOC claimed funny looks impregnate her, it seems kind of pointless to do a WTF? column. These things cannot be topped. Then again, WTF? has always been an exercise in pointlessness so here we go:
Headline of the Week
Special ops troops ‘hunkered down’ in California airport hangar after nighttime ninja attack
A sword-wielding man dressed as a ninja attacked several special operations soldiers who were training at a California airport, reportedly forcing them to shelter in a hangar and inflicting wounds that required stitches.
The bizarre assault took place at Inyokern Airport, an airfield in the Mojave Desert about 100 miles north of Los Angeles, sometime after 1 a.m. on Sept. 18, according to what appears to be a military incident report shared on Instagram and Reddit.
After confirming that the incident described in the document leaked on social media did occur, U.S. Army Special Operations Aviation Command spokesman Maj. Jeff Slinker said officials did not have any further information to add.
The soldiers’ names were redacted in the photo shared on social media — but one was identified as a staff sergeant and the other as a captain. The details suggest that they are members of the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment, an elite helicopter unit known as the Night Stalkers.
The staff sergeant was sitting outside the administration building at the airport hangar smoking a cigarette when he was approached by “an unknown person wearing full ninja garb,” the photographed document states.
“Do you know who I am?” the ninja asked, to which the soldier replied no, according to the document.
“Do you know where my family is?” the black-clad man then asked. The staff sergeant again answered no.
“The person in ninja garb began to slash at (the soldier), striking his phone and his knee and leg,” the record states.
The staff sergeant took off running across the parking lot to escape the attacker, and then he jumped a fence and entered the administrative building, where he and the captain locked doors and called 911.
Meanwhile, the man dressed as a ninja was “kicking and punching doors and windows” before leaving to grab a large block of asphalt, which he heaved through the window of the administration building.
The captain was struck by the chunk of asphalt, said the document on social media.
The first assistance call was recorded about 1:20 a.m., the Ridgecrest Police Department log shows. A man “with a sword” was in a parking lot, and there was at least one victim, the log states.
About 30 minutes later came a second call via 911: “26 spec op military members doing training at the airport,” the log states. “Hunkered down in a hangar wondering where help is.”
Emboldened by Biden’s surrender to the Taliban, Ninja’s are now taking over California.
Shover of the Week
A 10-year-old boy had a sewing needle the same length as a Twix removed through his penis after it got stuck in his urethra.
The unnamed child, from Iran, was taken to hospital after he shoved the 9cm-long object inside and struggled to get it out for more than three hours.
Doctors who treated the boy said he had pushed the needle into his urethra, which carries urine and semen, with the blunt end first.
It’s unclear why he did so but the medics noted a number of possible reasons including curiosity, pleasure or a brief psychological episode.
X-rays revealed the sharp object was in a position which made it difficult to extract using normal methods, such as pushing it out of the penis.
After giving the boy anaesthetic to numb the area, they manually pushed the blunt end of the needle until the sharp tip penetrated the skin.
Serajoddin Vahidi, the lead urologist from Shahid Sadoughi University who treated him, said it was the first time the method had ever been successfully carried out.
When objects become stuck in the urethra, they can sometimes be milked out the tip of the penis physically.
But medics who treated the boy feared removing the needle using this method carried a high risk of damaging his genitals.
Six months after the procedure the boy was able to urinate without issue, suggesting there was no lasting damage from the procedure.
Curiosity killed the cat and left an Iranian kid with another hole in his penis.
Lover of the Week
‘Cannibal teacher’ who ‘ate lover after sex’ hid victim’s penis so it wouldn’t out him as gay
Stefan R, 42, stands accused of killing, dismembering and eating Stefan Trogisch, 43, in Berlin in an incident that occurred on 6 September 2020.
Speaking in court, Stefan R claimed that he and Trogisch first met through a dating app. The deceased then went to Stefan R’s apartment to have sex.
According to the accused, Trogisch subsequently died in his sleep on the sofa. Stefan R claimed that he did not call emergency services “because it would have come out that I am homosexual”, according to German newspaper Bild.
He said he decided to dispose of the body – and opted to separate Trogisch’s genitals “since my DNA could still have possibly been present due to the oral sex I performed”.
Trogisch was subsequently reported missing and some of his body parts were discovered in various parts of the city. His penis has still not been recovered.
he’s embarrassed by sucking a dick but not eating one?
Chopper of the Week
A dad-of-three has gone to extreme lengths to shorten the length of his ‘long’ penis so he could make his wife of 21 years happier in bed.
Dan, from Sydney, spilled the beans about his relationship on a radio segment with KIISFM breakfast hosts Kyle and Jackie O.
During the conversation, the man said he has made a lot of sacrifices to keep the spark alive with his wife, including undergoing surgery to reduce the length of his penis.
‘I had my penis chopped down a little bit shorter. She complained it was too long, too big – I had an inch and a half [3.81cm] taken off,’ Dan said.
‘They just trimmed it down.’
Kyle asked whether his penis looked ‘manky’ after the procedure, but Dan said: ‘You can’t even tell. You can tell if you really look at it.’
Clearly shocked by the revelation, the radio duo asked him how ‘big’ his penis was, to which he responded: ‘It was 10 inches’ [25.4cm].
After 3 kids, you’d think the wife would have a blimp hanger for a vag.
Sack of the Week
Woman with ‘world’s fattest vagina’ says genitals ‘look like female testicles’
A woman who has self-proclaimed that she has the “world’s fattest vagina” has revealed how her never-ending surgical journey meant she almost died during an operation on her genitals which left her with strangely-shaped anatomy.
Mary Magdalene, 24, is famous for her exaggerated features, and sells racy images and videos of her voluptuous figure on OnlyFans.
In her quest to drastically change her figure, Mary has previously recalled how she has had 3000cc expanders inserted into her breasts.
Now, speaking to adult film star Adam Grandmason on his No Jumper podcast, she confessed that her desire to break boundaries has left her with odd-looking anatomy.
Despite the intensity of her looks, Mary explained that she has a laid back approach to life, claiming: “I just don’t overthink anything in my life, I’m just Mary and I do what Mary wants to do.
“For example, like when I got my p***y done and I almost died.”
The podcast’s host interrupted: “Wait a minute, what did you get done to your p***y?”
Mary continued: “So there’s this contraption you use, and it sucks your p***y and it makes it very inflated.
“So I told the doctor I just want it to permanently look like that.
But Mary conceded that the results have been unexpected.
“It looks like balls, I would say it’s a female ball sack”, she confessed.
That’s nuts.
Baller of the Week
Klamath Falls man shoots himself in testicles
A local man allegedly shot himself in the testicles early Wednesday morning. The incident is still being investigated by the Klamath Falls Police Department.
The victim is believed to have shot himself by accident in a home on the 2400 block of Biehn Street in Klamath Falls. He is now under investigation for possessing a firearm as a felon.
The initial report came in at around 6:38 a.m. Wednesday as an assault after an “uninvolved party” called police to report the incident, KFPD Lieutenant Jack Daniel said.
“Essentially the report came in as an assault, that someone had been shot by an unknown individual,” Daniel said. “It is still under investigation … at this point in the investigation it appears to be an accidental gunshot wound as a result of personal negligent firearm handling.”
The victim has a criminal history and “is being investigated for being a felon with a firearm,” said Daniel.
There’s at least one weapon he is no longer in passion of.
Princess Die of the Week
A mentally ill woman who believed she was possessed by the spirit of Princess Diana and killed her housemate before cutting off his genitals to “protect Prince William” has been found not guilty of murder by reason of insanity at the Central Criminal Court.
Grace Miano (53) had been charged with the murder of Malawian man Limbani ‘Robert’ Mzoma (27) at Tudor Lawns in Foxrock, Co Dublin, on November 1, 2018.
The jury took just under two-and-a-half hours to reach their unanimous verdict today.
Her defence counsel, Michael Bowman SC, yesterday told the jury that Ms Miano on occasion “believed she was effectively possessed by Princess Diana, who came to tell her what she had done.
“She was not in her right mind, and claims that the day after [the killing], Princess Diana told her she was the one who did it,” he said.
The trial had heard from consultant psychiatrists that Ms Miano told gardaí she killed Mr Mzoma to “protect Prince William” and had cut off his genitals after death “to protect women”.
She also told psychiatrists that she had been inhabited by the spirits of Princess Diana and other British royals to stop a plot by Kate Middleton who was trying to put Prince William and Prince Harry in danger.
Damn, that’s nuts.
Ass of the Week
COVID-19’s latest bizarre side effect: ‘Restless anal syndrome’
The latest COVID-19 symptom is about butts — but it’s no joke.
A newly published medical report by doctors in Japan has revealed a mysterious condition associated with the disease called “restless anal syndrome.” Its name is likened to the more commonly discussed restless legs syndrome (RLS) and describes exactly one 77-year-old patient’s afflictions.
The man had only recently checked out of the Tokyo Medical University Hospital following a 21-day stay while ill with COVID-19. But despite having fully recovered from the virus, he returned to report uncomfortable new symptoms.
He told physicians that he began suffering “deep anal discomfort” in the area between his anus and genitals, prompting him with the “essential urge to move” his bowels — which gave him no relief, according to their paper, available to read via “BMC Infectious Diseases.”
As days passed, the patient observed that physical activity seemed to relieve his stressed anus, while lying low only increased his discomfort, which also spiked during the evening hours.
A colonoscopy showed the man had internal hemorrhoids, but that didn’t explain his spasms. His nervous system also appeared to be in working order.
COVID-19 is known for causing a shock wave of side effects, some of which are neurological, including loss of taste and smell, brain fog and numbness.
That’s when doctors reckoned his awkward condition must be neurological, noting that his symptoms had manifested similar to RLS, which has been detected in at least two other recovered COVID-19 patients.
The connection between the disease and RLS is not yet understood, said report author Dr. Itaru Nakamura. Nakamura’s patient, however, may be the first documented case of restless anal syndrome associated with COVID-19, he wrote.
Maybe he’s just an asshole.
Jeepers Creepers of the Week
Used car dealership reports woman masturbating in Jeep
Police in Pensacola, Fla., were called to Bob Tyler Toyota last week after a customer looking at a green 2010 Jeep Wrangler was taken aback by a feature not usually found on that particular model: a naked woman masturbating in the backseat.
The car shopper notified a salesperson of the surprise discovery who “observed a woman in the backseat, naked, with her legs spread wide open.”
…37-year-old Alexis King, was told she had two minutes to leave the premises. She reportedly took nearly 10 minutes to get herself together, pack a few items into her bag, and exit the vehicle, which was selling for $23,116.
After King left the Jeep, witnesses at the dealership reportedly discovered the radio was broken and that there was a “period stain” where the suspect had been seated. The “horrible” smelling vehicle needed to immediately be sent for detailing, the dealership claimed. Damages were estimated at $1,300.
When police caught up to King, she reportedly gave them several false names that didn’t match what she said was her date of birth. Charges against her include burglary, criminal mischief and indecent exposure.
2010 was the last year Jeep offered the masturbating weirdo trim package.
Alcoholic of the Week
Drunk Man Unknowingly Joined Search Party That Was Looking for Him
In what is sure to be a story that he won’t be able to live down, a Turkish man drunkenly joined a search party that was looking for him after he had wandered into the woods and disappeared during a night out with his friends.
The man in question is 50-year-old Beyhan Mutlu who, according to The Daily News, went out drinking with friends and ended up getting too intoxicated and disappeared for a long enough time where a search party was formed to find him on Tuesday night. Concerned community members, the local authorities, and volunteers all came together in an effort to find Mutlu, and this spur of unity brought the man out of the forest to unknowingly help find himself.
Mutlu had reportedly been a part of the search for hours before he realized everyone was looking for him when the volunteers started shouting his name. The man reportedly asked, “Who are we looking for? I am here,” before realizing he was the missing person that had disappeared.
After this sitcom-like scenario was solved and the Turkish authorities realized that the person they were looking for had joined the search party, they just gave Mutlu a ride home.
It’s very rare that one finds oneself, especially when shitfaced.
Recovering Alcoholic of the Week
Doctors find 1kg of nails and screws in man’s stomach after he quit boozing
Doctors have removed more than a kilogram of nails, screws and other metal objects from a man’s stomach after he decided to quit drinking alcohol.
The man, who will remain anonymous due to patient confidentiality, was admitted to a hospital in the Baltic port city of Klaipeda, Lithuania, with abdominal pain.
The man admitted he had started swallowing metal pieces after he stopped drinking.
And an X-ray of his stomach showed some of those pieces measured more than 10cm (4in), according to hospital officials.
Surgeon Sarunas Dailidena said: “During the three-hour operation with X-ray control, all foreign bodies, even the smallest ones, in the patient’s stomach were removed.”
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” Algirdas Slepavicius, head surgeon at Klaipeda Hospital, told local media.
The doctor said that the man had begun swallowing the metal objects over the last month after he had stopped drinking.
That’s nuts and bolts.
Wedding of the Week
Bloke ‘marries his rice cooker’ before splitting up after horror revelation
In possibly one of the most bizarre wedding ceremonies, a man has reportedly married his rice cooker.
The Indonesian man has made headlines around the world after images from the ceremony went viral.
Khoirul Anam even went so far as to dress the cooking appliance as a “bride” for the special day, with a white veil and all.
In the images shared on Twitter, Anam appears to be taking the union seriously, even signing what look like official wedding papers in one shot.
In other images, he can be seen kissing his “bride”.
Captioning the images, Mr Anam said: “White, quiet, good at cooking, very dreamy”.
Shortly after the initial tweet, Anam announced that he and his cooker would be getting a divorce.
Citing that while the cooker was great at rice, it wasn’t good at making other dishes as the hilarious reason for the split.
Actually, the cooker broke it off because Anam ironically has a “rice dick.”
Florida Fish of the Week
Fish captured ‘smoking cigarette’ on camera saved before gobbling the entire thing
A fish has been snapped ‘smoking’ a cigarette on the ocean floor prompting the photographer to step in.
Steven Kovacs admits that as funny as it is watching a fish appear to enjoy an underwater smoke, he could not resist saving the creature after capturing the action shot.
The image was nominated for the 2021 Ocean Photography Awards after Steven first shared it on Instagram in July.
In reality, rather than having a puff on the cylinder filled with tobacco, the confused fish was gobbling it thinking it was food.
Steven’s photo which he took on Palm Beach, Florida was one of several highlighted by the awards as illustrating the impact of human waste on marine wildlife.
“Actually this was almost a very unfortunate situation. This small Snakefish, Trachinocephalus myops, grabbed a cigarette butt out of the water column drifting by in the current thinking it was a fish and began to swallow it for a meal.
“Even after swallowing more than half of the cigarette, it still hadn’t realized its mistake!! This was one situation I felt obliged to intervene since I can’t imagine it would have ended well for the fish if it finished swallowing its “meal”. Palm Beach, Florida.”
So that’s where smoked salmon comes from.
WTF? of the Week
The ‘demon dog’ who has been compared to Pennywise the Clown
A ‘demon dog’ has been compared to Pennywise the Clown after giving its neighbours the ‘death stare’ from behind a fence.
The dog has gone viral on Twitter after @thegallowboob shared its picture with the caption ‘Never been more scared of a dog’.
It has been liked more than 200,000 times with another 2,000 people sharing their thoughts on the rough-looking pup.
Others have been creating memes of the dog alongside Stephen King’s Pennywise the Clown and Michael Jackson in Thriller.
The dog was later spotted giving “Jesus juice” to young children and humping their legs.
