We may have celebrated Christmas this week, but WTF? never takes a holiday. Here’s a few stories that should keep you in good cheer until New Year’s.
Headline of the Week
Bodybuilder wraps penis around rolling pin so he can be covered in tattoos
But a more distressing bit of effort he’s put into his body is wrapping his penis around a rolling pin so he could get it tattooed. Ray, 61, used a rolling pin to keep his penis in position during a four hour tattoo session. He says it wasn’t too painful (he’s used to the pain of getting tattoos), but his testicles swelled up to four times their usual size once the deed was done.
At what point does this story reach TMI? Click the link. There’s a picture.
Possibly Racist Headline of the Week
Chris Brown Charged With Monkey-Related Misdemeanors: L.A. City Attorney
Chris Brown has been charged with monkey-related misdemeanors.
The Los Angeles city attorney’s office confirms Thursday that the 29-year-old singer was charged last week with two counts stemming from his possession of a pet capuchin monkey without a permit.
This marks the first time Brown has been arrested for something other than beating the shit out of a woman.
Race Hustle of the Week
A sheep was slaughtered on Clifton beach on Friday in a supposed ritual to tackle racism after beachgoers were told to leave the beach by guards from the PPA company last Sunday, two days before Christmas. That, in turn, prompted some people to protest against animal cruelty.
Al Sharpton would have held a justice march and demanded tribute, but this works too.
Fashion Statement of the Week
Pantless man allegedly breaks into Bangor home, steals from homeowner
A man was arrested in Bangor late Thursday night after allegedly breaking into a Webster Avenue North home while wearing no pants.
Police said that upon checking, the homeowner found a “strange man” downstairs who wasn’t wearing pants.
The homeowner called the police and hid in another room until they arrived a few minutes later. Police found the suspect, Brian Swett, 37, in the kitchen after he had allegedly rummaged through the homeowner’s purse and several cabinets and drawers. Police said they found Swett in possession of some of the homeowner’s property.
Weirdly enough, he didn’t try to steal any pants.
Crime of the week
Seven-year-old calls 911 after getting snow pants for Christmas
A 7-year-old Ont. boy might have just added himself to next year’s naughty list after calling 911 for receiving snow pants as a Christmas gift.
Ontario Provincial Police Sgt. Kerry Schmidt…said the call was placed in the early evening on Dec. 25.
He said the boy was upset with his present and wanted the police to help.
This kids parents deserve to be locked up. Giving a kid socks for Christmas should also be a jailable offense.
Florida Man of the Week
Police: Man screamed about vampires before burning down Daytona house
Daytona Beach police arrested Melvin Weaver, 64, and charged him with arson and aggravated battery Monday after his home at 604 Cassin Ave. burned to the ground Sunday night.
…Weaver’s wife tried to have him taken into custody for involuntary mental evaluation earlier in the day, but by the time officers arrived at 2 p.m., he was acting as if he “was in a sound mind and could not be Baker Acted,” a charging affidavit states.
Officers and an ambulance left, but later that evening, around 7 p.m., Weaver broke several windows in the house, hit his 59-year-old wife with one of her wooden canes and shouted that “The vampires are going to defend themselves,” the report states, eventually setting the couples’ home on fire and burning it to the ground.
Fire repels Frankenstein. Garlic keeps the vampires away, dumbass.
Florida Woman of the Week
Florida woman says she is ‘God,’ robs postal worker with toy gun, police say
A Florida woman said she was “God” when she was arrested for pointing a toy gun at people and using it to rob a Postal Service employee, investigators say.
They saw Leida Crisostomo riding a tricycle and holding a black and silver plastic handgun. Officers detained her and when handcuffed she told them she was “God” and hearing voices in her head…
Deputies returned the package to the postal worker.
Crisostomo, 52, was arrested and charged with armed robbery and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon…
Feminists are going to be pissed that cops arrested Girl God, but they’ll be cool with this:
Tweeker of the Weeker
A man who was high on methamphetamine made several attempts to rob an east Allentown liquor store and then a 7-Eleven on Christmas Day, but he was stopped by customers, according to court records.
Eladio M. DeLeon, 27, of the 500 block of North 15th Street in Allentown, allegedly told an employee at the Union Beverage, 906 Club Ave., that “he was God and he was upset that they won’t let him take what he wants,” according to court records.
Rick James said “cocaine is a hell of a drug” but meth is apparently heavenly.
Arborist of the Week
Man has first pint in eight months, ends up ‘punching a tree’ in half
A court heard Christopher Dixon was so drunk, he couldn’t even remember doing it.
Bouncers had to restrain Dixon after he took his anger out on The Dog and Parrot’s ornamental tree.
The 22-year-old was enjoying his first night out since returning from working on a travelling fair.
He, his girlfriend and a pal first visited Eazy Street before a bouncer heard him in a “loud conversation” as he walked by The Dog and Parrot.
“He then punch an ornamental tree, and it snapped in half,” said prosecutor Bethany Jendrzejwski.
Wait, Meth God and Girl God can’t even pull off a robbery and this mere mortal can punch a tree in half?
Tweet of the Week
#Breaking We are responding to a possible shits fired call in the parking lot of Walmart on Rinehart Rd. It is still an active scene. Media Staging will be at the Burger King off of Towne Center. #Sanford
— Sanford Police (@SanfordPolice) December 26, 2018
I know police work is dirty, but this is ridiculous.
Dick of the Week
Questionable bushes hard to ignore
I’ve never understood that saying about one in the hand being better than two in the bush until now.
The Other Dick of the Week
John Wayne Bobbitt swears his penis is ‘normal now’
John Wayne Bobbitt — whose then-wife infamously cut off his penis more than 25 years ago — says “it’s normal now.”
“I don’t want to mess with it … it’s been through the wringer,” Bobbitt {said].
Thankfully this one didn’t come with a picture.
Christmas WTF? Of The Week
Former Walmart Santa arrested after police find his children’s bodies buried in his yard
A man who previously worked as a Walmart Santa Claus has been arrested after police found bodies of his son and daughter buried in his backyard.
Last Thursday, Georgia’s Effingham County Sheriff’s deputies searched Elwyn Crocker’s home after receiving a tip that his 14-year-old daughter Mary Crocker was missing.
Deputies found two bodies buried “just inside the wood line,” according to the sheriff’s office.
Mary hadn’t been seen since October 2018 and her brother Elwyn Jr. hadn’t been seen since November 2016, but police said an official missing child report wasn’t filed for either child.
I could see if he was a Walmart Krampus, but this seems out of character for Santa Claus.
