Let’s pretend you’re a transgender (Google won’t allow me to use the term I want to here) miscreant who needs lingerie. You might possibly be too embarrassed to walk into a store and buy clothes to suit your “gender identity,” because face it . . . no matter how hard you try, you still look like a dude and deep down inside you know it. No matter how much duct tape you apply to hide your junk when you tuck it, it’s still there. Or maybe you’re just broke because you just blew all the cash you had on MD 20/20, chicken from Popeye’s, and new Brillo for your crack pipe.
In any case, you need said attire to lure unsuspecting John’s into a quick BJ for ten bucks to support your crack habit. What do you do? Damn, what a quandary. You can’t order women’s clothes indiscreetly online because most likely you have no permanent mailing address because you move from motel room to motel room as often as Hillary changes her diapers.
I’ve got it! You go to Victoria’s Secret and steal your intimate apparel! No embarrassment, no worries . . . That’s what these two dudes did.
And yes, I said dudes.
Police search for duo accused of stealing merchandise from Victoria’s Secret
MYRTLE BEACH, SC (WMBF) – Police are searching for two men who reportedly stole thousands of dollars worth of merchandise from the Victoria’s Secret at Coastal Grand Mall.
Carl Anthony Geilfuss, 26, and Theo Jamal Williams, 28, are both wanted for felony shoplifting, $2,000 to $10,000.
On Dec. 4, the suspects stole 71 items valued at over $3,750 before taxes, according to a Myrtle Beach Police Department incident report.
A witness said three people came into the store and started putting clothes into bags before fleeing, the report states. The name of the third suspect was not immediately available.
According to the report, the witness has seen the suspects shoplift from the store before.
If you have any information on the whereabouts of the suspects, call Myrtle Beach police at 843-918-1382.
Whereabouts? Hmm . . . where might these two freaks be? My best guesses are . . .
1) Manning the local glory hole
2) The cheapest motel in town frequented by tweakers and crack heads
3) A gay bath house
4) Any street corner
5) Jay’s house
6) Home Depot looking for duct tape
7) Dead in a dumpster
Come on, LEO’s. How hard can it be to find these guys. Get on it! Well, I mean don’t literally get on it . . . just bust ’em . . . well, I don’t mean that either . . . Oh Lord, this is all just so confusing!
In the end . . . I didn’t mean that either . . . Thousands of dollars worth of Victoria’s Secret merchandise is gone and whatever Victoria’s secret was . . . I’m pretty sure it didn’t involve duct tape.
And to think all this could have been avoided if they had saved a couple dollars and just gone to Cross Dress For Less.
