It’s May the Forth (Star Wars Day) and democrats proved their WTF? is from a galaxy far far away. After the Mueller report said “no collusion” democrats have decide that means Trump did collude with the Russians and AG Bill Barr should be impeached for delivering them the news they don’t like. Here’s some more WTF? from our own solar system:
Force Skin of the Week
Man, 30, left with spherical penis after huge genital cysts caused it to balloon
A man has two cysts surgically removed from his genitals after suffering extreme swelling in his penis for three years.
The 30-year-old man was rushed to a hospital on the south-west cost of India where he showed the doctors his ‘bulbous and swollen tip’ that looked like a ‘club penis’.
The man was diagnosed with epidermoid cysts, which are caused by build-ups of fluid or semi-fluid substances in sacs of skin.
Doctors also found he had phimosis, also known as tight foreskin, a condition where the foreskin is too tight to be pulled back over the head of the penis.
Doctors had to put him under spinal anaesthesia before circumcising him and removing the lumps.
Didn’t “Bulbous Tip” pod race Anikan Skaywalker on the planet Phimosis?
Sarlacc Pit of the Week
World Cup ‘vagina stadium’ is unveiled in Qatar
A World Cup 2022 venue dubbed the ‘vagina stadium’ has been unveiled after becoming the first to be completed from scratch ahead of the tournament.
It was designed by the late British-Iraqi architect, Dame Zaha Hadid, who died suddenly of a heart attack in 2016, aged 65.
When her plans were first released in 2013 they were said to have been inspired by the flowing shape of a dhow boat, a traditional Arabian pearl diving and fishing vessel.
The drawings were topped with a structure resembling the sails of a dhow. But the images went viral with commentators suggesting the stadium looked more like a woman’s private parts.
At the time Dame Zaha was angry at the comparison, saying: ‘It’s really embarrassing they come up with nonsense stuff like this. What are they saying? Everything with a hole in it is a vagina? That’s ridiculous.’
Where you sitting? I got nose bleeds way up in the labia majora. Too bad, I scored some sweet clit tickets.
Blaster of the Week
Man gets shot in the genitals after he drops a handgun while walking in Lincoln
A man walking in Lincoln this week was struck in the genitals by a bullet after he dropped a .22-caliber handgun and it discharged.
His injuries were not considered life-threatening, police said. He was listed in fair condition Friday.
Not life-threatening but definitely quality of life threatening.
Lightsaber of the Week
PROBLEMATIC POTHOLES FIXED AFTER PENIS PROTEST
“Wanksy” strikes again.
English residents have harnessed the power of the peen to motivate their council to fix potholes.
The phallic adorned road in Middlesbrough was repaired just days after pictures were posted to a community Facebook page.
…the potholes had been there for a year before the graffiti prompted action…
Dicks get things done. Dicks produce results. Take for example…
Jar-Jar of the Week
Man exposed himself near UT’s Pickle Research campus in northwest Austin, police say
The University of Texas Police Department is actively investigating an indecent exposure incident near the West J.J. Pickle Research campus in northwest Austin.
According to the release sent out by UTPD, the witness stated that a man approached her in the circle drive off the MoPac frontage road to ask for directions.
“While speaking with the man, she says he exposed himself,” the release states. “The witness immediately called 911.”
Okiday, but where else are you supposed to take your pickle out of the jar? And along those lines…
Nerf Herder of the Week
Naked woman arrested at Utah strip mall
A 23-year-old Ogden woman who accused her boyfriend of cheating on her allegedly responded by taking off her clothes in the parking lot of a busy shopping area on Saturday.
The woman “was naked in public dancing, shouting and grabbing at a male (the boyfriend),” according to a Salt Lake County Jail report. “The incident also took place in a busy public area with constant vehicle and pedestrian traffic.”
“According to the boyfriend (the woman) took her clothing off as she accused the boyfriend of cheating,” the report states. “(The woman) made a statement saying she took her clothes off because her boyfriend doesn’t want her anymore.”
It’s a strip mall, come on.
Ewoks of the Week
Metro Vancouver’s Pee and Poo join pantheon of flushable mascots
Metro Vancouver floated two new mascots this week, introducing Pee and Poo, the cuddly ambassadors of the region’s Unflushables campaign.
The pair of human-waste-themed characters debuted early last month but made their first genuine splash Monday during an appearance at Vancouver’s Waterfront Station, where they helped to educate the public about what should and shouldn’t be flushed down the toilet.
These guys have a shitty job and they’re pissed off all the time.
Tattooine Man of the Week
Dallas man drowned his cat after she clawed his tattoo during a bath, police say
A Dallas man faces an animal-cruelty charge after police say he drowned his cat when she sunk her claws into him during a bath.
Skyler Leviathan Sullivan, 25, was arrested last week on one count of cruelty to nonlivestock animals.
He said he was giving the cat a bath and she dug her claws into his tattoo, and then he lost his temper and “accidentally tried to drown it,” the affidavit says.
I think we all know who the real pussy is in this story.
Sith Lord of the Week
Famous Miami plastic surgeon ‘Boob God’ sues unhappy patients after unflattering online reviews
Two women in Miami feel like they’ve fallen into a booby trap.
Dr. Leonard Hochstein, a prominent plastic surgeon in Miami, has filed lawsuits against Nicole George and Kristen LaPointe, two former patients, for writing poor reviews about him and his practice online…
To Hochstein, who is also known as the “boob god” of Miami, the comments were unfair and could stain his professional name.
How do you stain the name of someone who goes by “Boob God?”
Death Star of the Week
Boy says sorry over death of pupil who died when cheese was flicked onto his neck
A schoolboy who ‘flicked’ a piece of cheese on to the neck of a teenager with a dairy allergy who later died, said he was ‘playing around’ and did not mean to harm him…
Karanbir Cheema, 13, who also had allergies to wheat, gluten, egg, milk, tree nuts and had asthma, suffered from a severe reaction at his school in west London on June 28, 2017.
He was taken to hospital in a life-threatening condition but died with his parents by his side on July 9 at Great Ormond Street Hospital almost two weeks after collapsing.
At an inquest into his death at Poplar Coroner’s Court on Wednesday, the boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said he ‘flicked’ the piece of cheese at him.
Asked why he flicked it…he said: ‘I did not know to be honest … it was immature behaviour.’
I can kill you with cheese, mother*cker!
Hand Solo of the Week
Man caught masturbating in Friendly’s bathroom, police say
A 66-year-old Maryland man was arrested and charged with misdemeanors after police say a boy saw him masturbating in a local Friendly’s bathroom.
Kenneth Paul Mijanovich, of Hagerstown, was allegedly “rapidly masturbating” in the Gettysburg Friendly’s bathroom on April 7…
The boy told police that he went into the bathroom and opened a partially open stall door. Mijanovich was sitting on a toilet, and then he stood up and began to masturbate…
He also told police that Mijanovich asked him mid-act if he was waiting for the stall. The boy said he could see the man’s genitals during this interaction.
[Mijanovich] said he was there just to pleasure himself and that he often does that in public restrooms because he gets aroused by the idea that someone might see him.
Mijanovich said he did not start masturbating until he made eye contact with the boy and let him watch for awhile…
He said he stopped when he thought “how stupid” he was and left.
It turns out this restaurant isn’t quite as friendly as advertised.
Chewy of the Week
40 Years After ‘Star Wars’ Error, Newspaper Apologizes To Wookiee Community
Four decades ago Friday, The Dallas Morning News committed an error so grave, so egregious, that it long remained shrouded in silence — out of a deep sense of shame and self-recrimination that one can only imagine.
The paper called Chewbacca a “Wookie.”
On Thursday, the 40th anniversary of the original Star Wars’ release, editors nobly faced down the dark truth of their institution’s past, publishing a correction:
“Our review of the original Star Wars, which appeared in The Dallas Morning Newson May 26, 1977, incorrectly referred to Chewbacca as a ‘Wookie.’ The correct spelling, of course, is ‘Wookiee.’ We regret the error and apologize to the seven-foot-tall hairy alien biped community.”
Fake news.
Kessel Run of the Week
From Fanny Street to Butthole Lane – Brothers complete epic ‘rude trip’ of Britain
FORGET a road trip across Britain – two brothers have completed an epic ‘rude trip’ of the UK, visiting every place with a naughty name.
Andy and Magnus Tait took in everywhere from Bellenden Gardens to Fanny Hands Lane on their saucy sightseeing trip.
Not ones to do things by halves, they spent six years planning the 2,000-mile adventure.
The fun-seeking duo visited streets, villages and towns with cheeky titles.
Highlights included Cumwhinton, Fanny Street, Upperthong, Butthole Lane, Willey, Titty Ho and Sandyballs.
They also visited Poundbottom, Cockermouth, Penistone, Butthole Bell End, The Knob, Lower Swell, Old Sodbury, Butcombe and Shaftesbury.
Big deal. I once made it from Intercourse, PA to Mianus, NY in 12 parsecs.
Dark Side of the Week
Buttplug Bandits and the dildo clown thieves: a bizarre true crime story
A wave of theft has hit adult store Peaches and Cream, with rampant clowns and suspected drug addicts pilfering expensive sex toys over the weekend.
A cadre of clowns spotted apparently pilfering a 19-inch, double-ended dildo from a store in Auckland last night is just the latest in a series of bizarre sex shops thefts…
The theft, the work of at least four clowns on what Peaches and Cream believes to be a stag do, came just days after a group of repeat thieves was caught stealing lubricants, sex toys and a penis extension device from a store in Wellington.
First the mosque shooting and now this? New Zealand has a lot of problems, don’t they?
Droids of the Week
A flexible, snakelike robot could serve as a vital lifeline for bringing the northern white rhino back from the brink of extinction.
Scientists at the University of California San Diego (UCSD) have partnered with the San Diego Zoo to develop the unique device, which they believe could assist with the artificial reproduction process for rhinos.
‘It’s essentially a long, thin catheter that can be steered through a rhino’s cervix to deliver a specimen to the uterus,’ Michael Yip, a professor of electrical and computer engineering at UCSD, said in a statement.
The robotic device could be the innovative method they’ve been looking for.
Rhino f*ck-bots are definitely not the droids I’ve been looking for.
WTF? (With the Force) of the Week
Chewbacca Actor Peter Mayhew Has Died At 74
Peter Mayhew, the actor who played Chewbacca in the Star Wars films, died Tuesday, his family said. He was 74.
The cause of Mayhew’s death was not immediately announced. The 7-foot-2-inch actor had mobility issues in recent years and in 2018 underwent spinal surgery.
Mayhew originated the role of Chewbacca, the Wookiee copilot of the Millennium Falcon, in the original Star Wars trilogy and returned for Episode III — Revenge of the Sith and The Force Awakens.
No jokes, just rest in peace.
