Special counsel Robert Mueller held a press conference this week to clarify his report and instead WTFed it up by making things less clear. Here’s some other people who don’t know WTF they are doing:
Headline of the Week
Stuck trucks botch Notch despite VTrans bans, fines and signs
Huh?
Easy Rider of the Week
British man suffers NINE-DAY erection after falling from a moped and bruising his genitals
A 35-year-old British man was left with a nine-day erection after falling off his moped and bruising his genitals.
The bruise to his perineum – the area between the genitals and anus – in the crash, nine days before his visit to a UK hospital, caused a constant flow of blood to his penis.
It meant that he was left with a Grade IV erection – the highest level on a medical scale known as the Erection Hardness Score – for nine continuous days.
The report described how, although the erection was not painful, the man did experience ‘mild discomfort in walking’.
Taint that a shame…
Rivalry of the Week
Nebraska man sentenced for marrying, having sex with daughter
A Nebraska man has been sentenced to two years in prison for marrying and having sex with his biological daughter, according to reports.
Travis Fieldgrove, 40, married his daughter, Samantha Kershner, 21, last October…Kershner reportedly told police that three years ago she had asked her mother who her father was and after her mom arranged a meeting they pursued a father-daughter relationship.
The relationship turned sexual last September, police said…Kershner’s mother told police about the relationship and the two were arrested in January.
Kershner reportedly told police her impetus for the relationship was a “jealous competition with her half-sister regarding who could have sex with their father.”
Sometimes when you win, you really lose.
Loose Cannon of the Week
Florida man accidentally shoots and kills woman during sex act
A Florida man is facing manslaughter charges, accused of accidentally and fatally shooting a woman during a sex act on Sunday, authorities said.
Andrew Shinault, 23, shot a woman in her 20s in the upper body with his registered handgun about 12:30 p.m., the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office said…
The shooting occurred at Shinault’s home in the Tampa suburb of Valrico. The woman — whose identity was not revealed — was taken to a hospital where she later died.
You’re doing it wrong, Florida Man. Let Florida Woman show you how it’s done:
Hamburglar of the Week
Florida woman accused of attacking Burger King manager for not giving free fries
Natasha Ethel Bagley, 42, faces charges of armed burglary with assault or battery, attempted robbery with a deadly weapon and criminal mischief, court records show.
Bagley and her girlfriend, 27-year-old Genesis Peguero, went to the fast food at restaurant April 2 and asked for free fries at the drive thru, according to an arrest report obtained by WTVJ. When an employee refused, the two women allegedly parked and walked into the restaurant.
When the unidentified female manager tried to call police, Peguero punched the woman in the face, according to the report. Police say Bagley joined in, helping Peguero assault the manager.
The pair allegedly tore registers and monitors off the Burger King counter before driving away from the restaurant in an SUV.
I don’t know, I’m leaning more towards “Florida Man” on this one.
Turd Burglar of the Week
Feces Left Behind Could Lead Police to Suspect in Car Break Ins
A South Bay neighborhood is on alert after a thief spotted by cameras breaking into cars left potentially incriminating — and definitely disgusting — evidence behind.
The thief was spotted trying to break in to several cars Overnight Monday on Wolfs Hill Road and San Sebastian Avenue in Otay Ranch. To put it politely, the suspect left behind fecal matter in one car and is suspected of urinating in another.
“My daughter said there was dog poop on her sweater. So when he went to reach in and remove it he said it is not dog poop. We realized it was human,” the SUV owner said.
“It’s like the most exciting thing of my day,” she said.
What kind of a shit day was she having if this was the highlight?
Quotes of the Week
“He continued with the haka whilst his genitalia swung freely.”
“I never made a contingency plan for stolen chicken,” Shane said.
‘If I hadn’t got the exorcism done, I think I’d definitely be going around with a colostomy bag.’
Sorry, context can’t help these quotes.
Nut of the Week
Slipknot Singer Corey Taylor Claims He ‘Blew Out’ Left Testicle Singing High Notes
Slipnot are preparing to kick off a European tour next week when they hit the stage at the Rockfest on June 7 at Hyyvinkaa Airfield in Hyvinaa, Finland. Hopefully, singer Corey Taylor will be ready to rock by then. The singer revealed on Wednesday (May 29) that he suffered a most unfortunate accident while warming up his voice in rehearsal recently.
Working on my ‘87 Dokken high notes this morning. Fucked around and blew out the left testicle. Careful on re-entry, kids. #kissofdeath #pissinblood
— confirm: 0-0-0… DESTRUCT… 0 (@CoreyTaylorRock) May 29, 2019
This guy can’t even bust a nut properly. Speaking of which…
Customer of the Week
Vermont man busted for going to big-box stores to masturbate
You can’t beat these prices.
A 25-year-old Vermont man who was charged with masturbating in a pair of Kohl’s stores and stands accused of doing the same thing at a Walmart has a date with a judge in July.
Police say Shawn Ramsey-Digiulio allegedly started his May 17 weekend by pleasuring himself inside a Kohl’s store in Berlin on a Friday. Digiulio was back in action that Sunday, pleasuring himself inside a Kohl’s store in nearby South Burlington, where he was arrested…
…Digiulio’s crime spree may have reached across state lines. Authorities in Littleton, N.H., claim he engaged in similar conduct in a Walmart there. There is video evidence of Ramsey-Digiulio’s misdeeds…
That’s what the Internet is for, moron. He should have been whacking it to free shipping on Amazon.com. Speaking of which…
Package of the Week
Caught on camera: Victoria delivery man urinates in customer’s doorway
An Amazon customer in Victoria says he’s outraged after a delivery man left more than just a parcel in his doorway Friday morning.
Stuart Adamson, who happens to be CTV Vancouver Island’s news director, was at work Friday morning when he got an alert on his phone.
“I’m sitting at my desk, doing my usual morning kind of routine – looking through the ratings and looking through the story list, etc. – and my phone goes off with a notification that there’s motion detected at my front door,” Adamson said.
“I open up the app and there’s a guy delivering a package from Amazon.”
So far, so good.
“Then he turns and walks towards one of our bushes right outside our door and that’s when it happened,” Adamson said.
“To my horror, I watched live this delivery driver pee on my bushes.”
Maybe one in the hand isn’t better than two in the bush.
Almost the WTF? of the Week
Teacher writes ‘WTF is this?’ on student’s homework
A Florida teacher didn’t give her student an “F.” Instead, she wrote “WTF” on a paper to signal he would be getting “absolutely no credit.”
Melinda Smith says she was shocked when her son handed her his science homework with WTF – an acronym containing a swear word – written across the top.
“Just seeing ‘WTF,’ what is this? … It wasn’t anything about not getting the credit, it was more so the language, Smith told WJHG, which she called “inappropriate and not acceptable.”
Maybe the kid is a dummy, but the good news is he technically didn’t fail.
Actual WTF? of the Week
Transgender prisoner sliced off her own testicle with sterilized disposable razor
Adree Edmo, 31, scrubbed her hands with soap and hot water, before breaking blades from the shaving device and cutting into her own balls.
She also wrote a note to prison staff at the Idaho State Correctional Institution in Kuna, Idaho, saying: ‘I do not want to die, but I am a woman, and women do not have these.’
Edmo’s September 2015 attempt at castrating herself failed, prompting her to try again.
She successfully removed her own testicle during that second attempt, but did not sever it from her scrotum, with hospital doctors later stitching it back in.
Her? Wrong.
