Knife control is a hilarious reality in the UK. As you know British subjects are banned from owning guns and so they run around stabbing each other. In many parts of the country knives are banned and cops stop and frisk people to take away their sharpened potato peelers. One UK county is now taking away those pointy kitchen knives and replacing them with blunt-ended ones. Show of hands: who’s glad our Founding Fathers kicked these limey bastards back across the Atlantic in 1776?
Here’s a thing from ITV that seems like a joke but is all too real:
Nottinghamshire Police is piloting a scheme where victims of domestic violence will have their kitchen knives replaced with blunt utensils, to help stop partners attacking them in their own home.
Around a hundred “no-point” knives will be given to victims who have either been threatened or attacked with a knife.
It comes as police say they’re concerned about the high numbers of knife-related incidents in the home. They say the new scheme could help save lives.
They look like those terrible knives at Outback Steakhouse that don’t cut shit. Grown-ass adults shouldn’t have to use the safety-scissors equivalent of a steak knife to cut into a porterhouse.
Let’s see if I’m understanding this correctly: a person is stabbed in a domestic violence incident and the police reaction is to confiscate the victim’s pointy knives and give them blunt ones? Why don’t they arrest the domestic violence stabber instead? Wouldn’t that make more sense?
Speaking of things that don’t make any sense, here’s Nottinghamshire officer Matt McFarlane, whose official title is “The New Knife Crime Strategy Manager,” to explain the plan:
“We are trialling it to see if it makes a difference. Sometimes you have to trial things to see if they work. Anything that stops someone being seriously injured is a good idea,” said McFarlane.
Actually, you don’t need to try stupid ideas to see if the work. Having a bit of commonsense and a dash of intelligence helps weed out the terrible ideas immediately.
“We do see a fair amount of knife-related incidents in domestic abuse not just on the streets. This is a measure we need to take. We want to reduce that risk. It is a trial. The knife is blunt at the end – but still functions as a knife – so you can’t stab someone,” added McFarlane.
I think I may have identified a slight problem with this plan. You may not be able to stab someone with one of these blunt-ended knives, but you can still slash them. Hell, you could behead a person with one of these things. My guess is in a month or so they will replace the blunt knives with dull knives to cut down on the wave of domestic violence decapitations.
Paddy Tipping, the police commissioner, thinks the program will be successful because he too is a moron:
“Having safer implements in the home can reduce injuries and save lives. It is important that we get the message across that the chance of being stabbed on the streets is low and there is a bigger problem around domestic violence. It is an excellent initiative. Some research shows that women are attacked around 19 times before they leave their home,” said Tipping.
Apparently women in the UK need to be stabbed 19 times on average before they are willing to leave their partners. Again, can’t the police do something about this that doesn’t involve the confiscation of cutlery? Likely after you stab your wife 10 times, you go to jail?
Besides reaffirming the greatness of our free American society, this shows us that a pointy kitchen knife in the UK is the same thing as a semi-automatic sporting rifle in the US.
