Democrats WTFed it up this week by trying to get a do-over on their do-over in the Russian collusion fairy tale. Here’s some other WTFers who didn’t know when to quit:
Headline of the Week
Gay people exist because pregnant women have anal sex, bishop says
Religious leader the Bishop of Morphou Neophytos has claimed women enjoying anal sex while pregnant is the reason that gay people exist.
Speaking at a primary school in Akaki, Cyprus, he claimed that the enjoyment the mother experiences transfers to the foetus, making the child gay.
In a video translated by Metro.co.uk translators, he said: ‘It happens during the parent’s intercourse or pregnancy. It follows an abnormal sexual act between the parents. To be more clear, anal sex.
‘[Saint Porfyrios] says that when the woman likes that, a desire is born, and then the desire is passed on to the child.’
Putting forward his evidence, the orthodox Christian Bishop told the people gathered before him that Saint Porfyrios had written about the issue.
Saint Porfyrios is a relatively newly declared saint who died in the 90s who told gay people they should remain single and pray the gay away for the rest of their life.
You got a better explanation?
Sick Burn of the Week
Teen’s angry sunburn erupts into balloon-sized blisters – day before 9 hour flight
Maisie Squires, 16, from Leeds, was on holiday with her family in Cuba when a snorkelling trip took an agonising turn.
Despite having applied sunscreen, it took just an hour for the powerful Caribbean rays to cause the skin on her back to burn and violently erupt into two massive, protruding blisters.
The cherry on the cake? This all happened the day before Maisie had to get on a nine-hour flight back to the UK.
There’s a lot of boob jokes I want to make here but the girl is only 16 so I’ll just stick with: yuck!
Gripper of the Week
Florida woman arrested for grabbing husband’s penis too forcefully
A sex-hungry Florida woman was busted for allegedly grabbing her husband’s genitals “with such force that the victim crumpled over and had trouble walking,” police said, according to a report.
Anastacia Tasch, 44, was charged with domestic battery for the Monday incident that occurred at the couple’s Tampa home…
According to the complaint, Tasch clamped down on her hubby’s manhood while he was sleeping on the couch at around 5:30 a.m.
“[W]ithout provocation or permission,” Tasch “walked over to the victim and grabbed his genitals,” the complaint said.
Tasch claimed that she grabbed her husband “in a sexual manner because she was attempting to arouse the victim in an effort to have sexual intercourse,” according to the complaint.
Police said that Tasch and her husband have two children.
I’m guessing there won’t be a third child after this.
Pincher of the Week
Why NZ cleared a Chinese man for touching a boy’s penis
A 79-year-old Chinese man appeared in court in New Zealand last week after he pinched a toddler’s penis in a swimming pool changing room.
But despite admitting assault, he was let off a charge as the judge accepted his argument that the behaviour was a traditional sign of affection in China…
Last August, in a recreation centre changing room in Christchurch, Chinese man Ren Changfu saw a boy he didn’t know getting changed with his father. Ren went over to talk to them, flicked the toddler’s penis, laughed and touched it again…
The father told Ren to stop and called the police.
The man, who had moved to New Zealand in 2009, told the police that he hadn’t known such an action was offensive there, and that the young victim had reminded him of a grandson back in China whom he missed deeply.
Ren’s daughter prepared a report that said in China, tweaking a child’s penis was a way of showing affection.
And when he really misses his grandson he goes to Panda Express and orders the cream of sum yun gai.
Snipper of the Week
Woman cut cheating ex’s penis off and insisted ‘If I can’t have it, no one can’
A furious woman cut off her ex-husband’s penis and testicles after she found out he cheated during their marriage.
Ms Lee used a sharp pair of scissors to cut her ex’s genitals off at her home in Hukou, Taiwan, after inviting him over to have sex.
It is believed the 58-year-old discovered Mr Chen had slept with someone else while they were still married.
According to the police, Ms Lee left Mr Chen with just 1cm of his penis left after hacking the rest off, throwing acid on it and then flushing it down the toilet.
She is reported to have said: “If I can’t have it, no one else can.”
Worst booty call ever.
Groper of the Week
A 58-year-old woman was arrested on Friday (19 July) after she allegedly groped her fellow passenger’s wife in front of her six-year-old daughter before telling her husband to “go back to the country you came from”. The incident reportedly happened when the accused, Lisa Anne Matteson, was traveling on the Sponearama cruise boat on the Anclote River.
According to her arrest records, Matteson was drunk at the time when she grabbed the buttocks of the fellow female traveler at least twice on the cruise.
She reportedly made some lewd remarks like, “Oh, it’s curved and nice. I would do you.” And when the woman’s husband confronted her, she told him, “You should go back to the country you came from.”
The woman’s harsh words resemble President Donald Trump’s tweet from July 14 where he targeted four minority congresswomen – Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) and Ayanna Pressley (D-MA) – by telling them to “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime-infested places from which they came.”
Although the Matteson has denied groping the woman on the cruise, she has admitted using the racist slur against the man, police said.
The woman used the “I may be a racist but I’m not a lesbian” defense until prosecutors got a look at her hair.
Mom of the Week
Woman stabs 3-year-old daughter multiple times in groin, buttocks
A 31-year-old woman who allegedly stabbed her 3-year-old daughter multiple times has been taken into custody…
…Clayton County Police responded to a report of a child stabbed on Tuesday, July 23, at an apartment in the 700 block of Garden Walk Boulevard. When they arrived, they discovered a 3-year-old girl who had been stabbed multiple times in the groin and buttocks areas.
The girl’s mother, Brittney Jackson, told officers that two males had entered the apartment with guns looking for the child’s father and stabbed the child multiple times.
Hill said that officers and detectives sensed something was not right with Jackson’s story and began to probe deeper. He said that her story began to change and conflict with her initial 911 call.
On Friday, July 26, detectives interviewed the 3-year-old girl, Hill said. According to Hill, the girl told them that her mother was the person who stabbed her.
She can kiss that “Wold’s Best Mom” crack pipe her daughter made in art class goodbye.
Dad of the Week
Florida man arrested after leaving children home alone to visit strip club
An autistic boy was found in a urine-soaked diaper earlier this month after the man who was supposed to be watching him and another child left them home alone while he visited a strip club, deputies said.
Kalvin Dwayne Guice, 38, of Seminole was arrested and faces charges of child neglect, according to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office.
According to the arrest affidavit, the two children — one of which “suffers from brain damage, is severely autistic and physically disabled” — were left in Guice’s care while their mother attended her mother’s funeral in Georgia.
Guice told deputies he left the children alone for four hours while he spent time at the 4-Play Gentlemen’s Club, about nine miles away, on Gandy Beach in St. Petersburg. There, he consumed four to five “Jack and Cokes” before driving home.
Guice acknowledged that the children “are unable to take care of themselves, especially in the event of an emergency.”
Speaking with the Tampa Bay Times, Guice identified himself as the children’s father. He said he was with them all day, ate dinner with them and put his 11-year-old son to bed around 8:30 p.m. Around 10:30, he said he checked on his son and 9-year-old daughter to make sure they were okay.
He said he planned to have a couple of drinks and then return home. He didn’t think it was against the law to leave the children.
“It kind of got out of hand,” he said.
Hey, at least he didn’t stab his kids.
Grower of the Week
Trans man, 22, got ‘kidney stones’ in penis built using skin from his forearm
A trans man who had a penis crafted by using skin from his forearm developed kidney stone-like growths inside his urethra.
The tiny stones blocked the 22-year-old Portuguese man from going to the toilet properly.
Doctors had no idea how to treat the ‘rare’ condition, so they were forced to improvise and successfully dissolved them using a laser.
The man, who had transitioned from female to male in 2014, was diagnosed with urethral lithiasis, which is a form of salt-like stones in the penis’ urine tube.
The urethra had become narrowed and small hairs on the inside may have encouraged the condition to develop.
The doctors crumbled the stones by using a laser powered by the element holmium, which is also used to shrink enlarged prostates.
The journal said about 80 per cent of patients getting a penis crafted from skin from their forearm suffer complications.
Who would have thought dicks made out of arms would be so complicated?
Shower of the Week
Exterminator charged with exposing penis to customer on Grand Island
The Erie County Sheriff’s Office says an exterminator on Grand Island was arrested for showing his penis to a customer.
On Saturday, authorities say they were contacted by the victim’s husband after the exterminator exposed himself.
According to the Sheriff’s Office, a video of Eliezer Ortizapeita, 28, committing the act was captured using a doorbell system.
Ortizapeita was arrested on Thursday. He was charged with public lewdness — exposing private parts, and violations for disorderly conduct and exposure of a person.
Ortizapeita was released on appearance tickets, and will be back in court at a later time.
If the pests they were trying to get rid of were feral cats, that seems like the appropriate bait and here’s the proof:
Cat Man of the Week
Cambria County man charged after photographing himself with cats on his genitals
A Cambria County man mistreated pet cats by photographing himself “placing them inside his unbuckled pants or on top of his genitals while having his pants removed or pulled down,” according to a criminal complaint.
According to the criminal complaint, Bryn Kaelin, of Northern Cambria, also downloaded, viewed, and saved “illegal images and videos of children under the age of 18 engaging in sexual acts or simulation of sexual acts.”
Kaelin was on probation when a search of his cellphone by probation officers led to the finding of images of child pornography, along with search history containing the keywords “pre-teen” and “pornhub,” according to the affidavit.
Kaelin has been charged with animal cruelty and child pornography.
I checked. It’s not Kato Kaelin from the OJ trial.
Ice Man of the Week
Man accused of killing wife claims powerful group infected him with mayonnaise
Arrested in the death of his wife, Nathaniel Robertson admitted during an interview with sheriff’s detectives to beating her with a concrete block.
But Robertson, in a confusing, rambling statement, said he did it to “give her compassion and mercy” as “the alignments were not in place to protect her,” according to recently released court documents.
He said he had been infected by mayonnaise “they” put in him, the documents say. The “they” in this case was a group of “brutal, powerful” people Robertson said he couldn’t identify.
There was something inside him releasing information from the Revolutionary War, Robertson told investigators. Asked if he used drugs, he said he used “ice” to help him breathe.
Robertson said he loved his wife and she was his best friend.
“I didn’t want it to be a painful thing,” Robertson told investigators. “I didn’t want to hit her a bunch of times, I wanted to end it, I didn’t want her suffering.”
So mayonnaise is this dude’s Kryptonite?
Captain Florida of the Week
A Florida man stripped naked and masturbated in front of a community security guard while wearing Captain America-branded clothing this week, police say.
The victim, a female guard, told police she had spotted the suspect walking into the community and approaching a dumpster. He was described as being late 20s to early 30s, wearing a blue Captain America T-shirt, a blue Captain America baseball hat and khaki cargo shorts.
The man was behaving strangely and staring at the victim in the guard house, police said. The suspect then approached the guard house, removed his shirt and shorts and allegedly started to masturbate. He made no attempt to enter the building or speak to the woman, it was noted.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe just keeps getting weirder and weirder and DC isn’t doing much better:
Justice League of the Week
These design fails will make the mind boggle
I don’t know, that second one seem more like a win than a fail for Superman.
Low-Five of the Week
UFC’S JON JONESACCUSED OF SLAPPING WOMAN’S VAGINA
UFC champ Jon Jones is denying allegations he slapped a cocktail waitress at an Albuquerque strip club back in April…
The woman told police Jon was at the strip club in April with his brother, NFL star Chandler Jones … when things went south.
The woman claims she had been serving Jon’s group all night — and that Jon had been pestering her about giving him a table dance. She claims she explained that she’s a waitress, not a stripper, and was not allowed to dance for him.
Still, she claims Jon grabbed her and pulled her to his lap and began kissing her neck.
The woman says she later went to the bar to get shots for Jon — but he came up behind her and put her in a “tight rear-naked choke hold.”
She claims she engaged in banter with Jon and Chandler — and when she escaped from the choke, he “picked [her] up off the ground and turned her around in the air and was roughhousing with her.”
The woman told police, “It felt like a wrestling match and nothing sexual.”
After that, the woman claims Jon “placed her down by the bar and slapped her p***y.”
She claims she told Jon he couldn’t do that — and “if he was going to smack her, he need [sic] to pay her $100 which she told Jon Jones approximately two times.”
While speaking with police, the woman said, “I think [Jon Jones] is a f*cking piece of sh*t.”Yeah, why don’t you pick on a vagina your own size? Like this one:
WTF? of the Week
Kim Anami’s Kung-Fu Vagina Vs. Dr. Jen Gunter’s Medical License
How strong is your vagina? Can it shoot bullets and shatter steel with the sheer force of its gargantuan, mysterious strength? It’s a question that bothers me daily—mine can do neither! Gynecologist Dr. Jen Gunter asked the same question when she shared a 2017 Instagram post on Tuesday from “Vaginal Kung Fu expert” Kim Anami. In the post, Anami challenged the internet’s favorite gynecologist to a “vagina-off,” claiming Gunter’s frequent challenges of the “Yoni Egg” (made famous by Goop) were absolute bullshit.
I don’t know or care what this article is about but if you put “Kung-Fu Vagina” in a headline, you’ll get me every time.
