The biggest WTF? this week was all of the stuff the 2020 democrats said they will ban to stop global warming, including cars, straws, and meat. Here’s some actual WTF? stuff we could do without:
Headline of the Week
Prolapsed anus economy engulfs Eat Street
Chapel St restaurants and the Stonnington Council are shunning delivery service apps like Uber Eats and Deliveroo to save businesses on the famous once-bustling strip from closing because of crippling costs and health risks.
A push to fight the scourge of delivery apps from local eateries is being spearheaded by the Chapel St Precinct Association in a bold world-first campaign to try and combat the closure of small businesses as trade along the famous retail strip continues to slump.
Yeah, I don’t get what the headline has to do with the story either but it’s a good one.
Twist of the Week
Man who masturbated, urinated on woman, 23, on Manhattan subway sought by police
The NYPD is searching for a suspect who they say masturbated and urinated on a 23-year-old female subway rider on the Lower East Side.
Police say that on Sunday, June 16, at 2:00 a.m., the victim was on a Manhattan bound J train when a man standing next to her began to masturbate.
The victim walked to the other side of the train and was followed by the suspect, who began to urinate on her police say.
Officials say the victim then exited the subway at Delancey – Essex Street and the suspect continued to follow the victim, and jumped on her back.
The victim sustained minor injuries and refused medical attention on scene.
He was masturbating and then peed? Even M. Night Shyamalan didn’t see that one coming.
Shot of the Week
Man throws urine on Florida prosecutor during sentencing hearing
A 28-year-old man awaiting sentencing on an attempted murder charge tossed urine on a prosecutor inside a Florida courtroom, according to police.
The attack happened Wednesday in Broward Circuit Judge Susan Alspector’s courtroom. Albert Narvaez is now also charged with battery for his attack on Broward Assistant State Attorney Andrew Newman.
A Broward sheriff’s arrest report said urine went inside Newman’s mouth and all over his clothing. The report didn’t say what kind of container Narvaez used to store the urine in the courtroom.
…Narvaez charged at Newman, flung the urine at him and yelled, “He told me to do it!” He didn’t say who he was referring to.
Mister, urine a lot of trouble.
Head Shot of the Week
Man ‘shoots himself through head’ with spear in horrific scuba diving accident
A man reportedly shot himself through the head with a spear gun while scuba diving.
Connie Hallowell, from Umkomaas, South Africa, miraculously avoided being seriously injured in the accident, despite the dart narrowly missing his brain and eyes.
He was picking up fishing sinkers near Scottburgh Beach, south of Durban, when the accident happened on August 31.
The pastor rushed back to the beach and received help from locals, with one Good Samaritan shortening the metal projectile with an angle grinder.
Mr Hallowell still has vision in both eyes, despite the spear passing just behind his eyeballs.
I wonder if this thing is loaded.
Apology of the Week
Theme park apologizes for ‘racist’ safari cruise ride
One of the most popular theme parks in France has been forced to modify a popular ride after guests accused the attraction of being racist.
The Africa Cruise ride at Nigloland in north eastern France has been at the park for several decades, having first been installed in 1987. However, the popular attraction was sparked outcry after a video of the ride surfaced last week.
The footage showed a section of the cruise where there were two people climbing up a tree while an angry rhino is just beneath them.
One of the figures was white and wearing a colonial-style safari outfit while another, who was black, was wearing a fez and holding a bunch of bananas.
The ride also featured problematic dialogue according to France 24 — the black character apparently spoke in an audibly African accent and called the white person “boss.”
The viral post sparked backlash against the park with many accusing it of being racist.
One person wrote: “@Nigloland caricatured accent, banana? Do you find that normal [?]”
Another said: “It’s shocking it looks like the racist jokes of the colonial era.”
He said: “I went to Nigloland and saw that. I wanted to know if you found it normal??”
In another plot twist, people are shocked that something at “Nigloland” is racist.
Cock of the Week
Rooster pecked woman to death in ‘rare’ attack, report says
According to the report…the 76-year-old had been collecting eggs at her home in Australia when the aggressive rooster attacked her lower-left leg. The woman collapsed, with an autopsy later revealing two small lacerations on her leg, including one on a varicose vein…
Her cause of death was listed as exsanguination, which is a severe loss of blood, caused by the rooster’s aggressive pecking. The attack is considered “rare” by the report’s authors, with one telling…that it “demonstrates that even relatively small domestic animals may be able to inflict lethal injuries in individuals if there are specific vascular vulnerabilities present.”
It’s sad to lose a game of chicken to an actual chicken.
Milk Bone of the Week
Pervert pensioner caught in the nude having sex with a cow
A perverted pensioner was fined just £8 after being caught in the nude having sex with a cow in southern Thailand.
Manoon Bunjin, 68, was frogmarched to the local police station in Songkhla after he dragged ‘Non’ the calf into the bushes and sexually assaulted her last Friday afternoon.
Non’s owner, who was not named, was horrified after he spotted the naked man mounting the cow from behind, according to local reports.
He spied on the pensioner after neighbours warned him that one of his animals had been sexually assaulted multiple times while she was walking around the field eating grass.
Non’s owner waited discreetly behind trees to catch the pervert in the act and called on passers-by to help restrain the naked man.
When caught, Bunjin at first refused to admit his crime and claimed that he was strolling around looking for plants.
However onlookers did not believe him after noticing semen was on his legs and the two-year-old cow’s behind.
Manoon said: ‘The cow was not hurt and I only did it for pleasure. I have friends who have done this before and they told me it felt good so I wanted to try.’
That’s utterly disgusting.
Kibbles ‘N Bits of the Week
Wife chops off her husband’s penis and feeds it to dogs to put an end to years of domestic abuse
A Ukrainian wife beheaded her husband and hacked off his penis after suffering years of domestic abuse, police say.
The suspect, identified only by the name Maria, then fed her husband’s severed penis to dogs in the village of Obariv in the north of the country.
The 48-year-old woman told police ‘she was suffering domestic violence for ages and murdered her husband to put an end to it’ and that ‘it was the only way out’.
Maria attacked her spouse Oleksandr, 49, in their bedroom after he came home from night shift work and fell asleep in the early hours of August 23.
She strangled him to death with her bare hands before grabbing an axe and hacking the man’s head off, police said.
After that Maria used a kitchen knife to chop off the victims genitals and fed the organ to her dogs, local media report.
She then tried to cut the body into pieces but failed, investigators said.
The order in which she did things could have been worse.
Super Cuts of the Week
Brenda Barattini allegedly snipped off her boyfriend’s member as revenge for him showing his pals a sex tape of the two of them.
The 27-year-old was arrested in November 2017 in Cordoba, Argentina,and stands accused of taking off 90 per cent of Sergio Fernandez’s todger, leaving him with life threatening injuries.
Sergio was reportedly married at the time of the incident but was having an affair with Barattini.
He told the court: “We started to have sex and she told me she was going to give me a little surprise. She put a mask on me, velvet one.
“After that, she told me to guess what she was touching me with. She also wanted to tie me up, but I didn’t want her to.
“She started to perform oral sex on me. Suddenly I felt something. She wanted to kill me in that second.”
At that point Barattini is said to have sheared off the victim’s genitals.
He added: “I felt like I was going to die, I didn’t know she had cut me. I couldn’t see anything. I tried to get up, I pulled up my trousers and instinctively grabbed by mobile phone to call an ambulance.
“I wanted to leave and she started to insult me. She grabbed my t-shirt, my hair, she wouldn’t let me leave.”
Prosecutors claim the suspect had searched for how to cut off genitals on the Internet and had written a diary entry detailing what was going to happen that day.
Apparently if you Google how to chop off a wang, hedge clippers is the top result.
Cracker Jack of the Week
Man confesses he had crack cocaine in anus
A Nanticoke man admitted to township police he had a bag of crack cocaine hidden in a body cavity, according to court records.
Police said they stopped Daniyel J. Heyward, 40, of East Poplar Street, Nanticoke, while traveling on Sans Souci Parkway when a license plate inquiry revealed he was wanted by Nanticoke police.
Heyward stopped in a parking lot near Kings Road where police recovered a marijuana cigarette from his vehicle, court records say.
Police handcuffed and transported Heyward to Nanticoke who obtained an arrest warrant on Aug. 15 charging him with trafficking crack cocaine.
During a custody exchange with Nanticoke police, Heyward confessed he had a drugs “in his a—,” court records say.
Obviously you hide crack in your crack. Let’s just thankful there’s no drug called “penis hole.”
Sea Bass of the Week
A plastic surgery addict who spent more than $500,000 (£406,547) to look like Kim Kardashian has opened up about her recent ‘botched fish lips’ procedure.
Despite having more than 20 cosmetic procedures to look like the reality TV star, Jennifer Pamplona, 27, from Los Angeles, says she is now steering clear of going under the knife after claiming she became a victim of botched surgery.
After having three millilitres of filler placed into her top and bottom lip last month, Jennifer claims she left the clinic feeling as though she was having a reaction to the procedure.
When she examined her lips further, Jennifer claims they looked like ‘fish lips’, were very painful and wouldn’t stop bleeding.
Just two days later, Jennifer rushed back to the surgery to have the $3000 (£2,439) filler removed and has now stated she will be avoiding surgery in future.
She added: ‘Now, my lips look like an old persons – they’re stretched but look withered like a deflated balloon.’
As well as having six pints of fat injected into her bum, Jennifer has had two nose jobs, eight ribs removed, two breast enhancements and six ribs, achieving her goal of 39-inch hips and 21-inch waist.
Call me an optimist, but those look more like duck lips to me.
Garage Sale of the Week
Hitler’s ‘last living relative’ convicted of paedophilia after kissing girl, 13
A man who claims to be the last remaining relative of Adolf Hitler has been convicted of paedophilia after kissing a 13-year-old girl.
Romano-Lukas Hitler claims to be the only man alive bearing the name of the murderous Nazi leader and claims to be related to the Fuhrer through Hitler’s father Alois.
Romano-Lukas, from the East German city of Goerlitz, says that Alois had a younger brother, and that the grandson of the younger brother who fled to Slovakia after the war was his dad.
But now the 69-year-old Hitler has been convicted of a sex attack on a child, known only as Ania.
Prosecutors took the case to court after a complaint by the girl’s father.
The angry dad said: “I had put a garage up for sale and Hitler answered the advert. But when he turned up he didn’t seem to have much interest in the garage, only in Ania. He lured her to his flat with sweets, brought her clothes and plastic flowers and even offered to marry her.”
The dad said when their daughter had told them he had kissed her, they banned her from seeing him and filed a complaint with the cops.
I know this story has Hitler and pedophilia but how do you sell a garage?
WTF? of the Week
Woman attempts to evade warrants by impersonating 21-year-old daughter
A woman in Davis County was arrested on Saturday for charges of drug possession, driving with a revoked license, and offering false personal info to a police officer, court documents said.
Heather Garcia, age 38, was pulled over on Main Street in Farmington after an officer noticed her Silver BMW did not have a license. Davis County Police performed a vehicle search and found drug paraphernalia and a white powdery substance.
Officers tried to gather information from Garcia during the arrest. She told officers her name was Mercedes and was born in 1998. Officers soon realized through a records check that the identity Garcia had offered was actually her daughters.
Once police were able to make a positive ID on Heather Garcia, they discovered she had outstanding warrants.
Woman?
