2019 will go down as the biggest WTF? year in American political history. Democrats tried to get rid of President Trump for colluding with the Russians but when that didn’t happen they settled on impeaching him for nothing in particular. Here are some of the most memorable non-impeachment WTF? moments from the year:
2019 had plenty of crazy headlines:
‘Killer’ herpes isn’t stopping these monkeys from mating and, yep, they’re in Florida
KAREN WANG’S MISTAKES DON’T GIVE YOU A LICENCE TO BE RACIST
BOULDER STABBING SPARKED BY UNSATISFACTORY PANTS EXCHANGE
Man who dated a cockroach for a year and had sex dreams about it says humans aren’t as attractive
The Backdoor Pathway To Making A Human Penis Started With A Wallaby
Cult leader claims to be able to cure cancer with breast massages and BURPS
Drunk Man Throws Up Tumour, Gets Scared, Swallows It Back
Gym pulls out before masturbation case reaches court climax
CBU instructor fired after demanding sex, moose meat and lobster for better grades
The ghost of a masturbating ape haunts the hallways of a grand country estate in Dorset
Huge blow for farmers in bull semen explosion
Omaha police investigate ‘assault with a banana’
PROLAPSED ANUS ECONOMY ENGULFS EAT STREET
ANGUS MAN WHO TRIED TO FLY DRONE INTO PERTH PRISON CLAIMED ROMANIAN CIRCUS STOLE HIS CHIHUAHUA
Wife beheaded by husband spent life helping women in crisis
A lot of weird things ended up people’s butts in 2019:
Man left with can of air freshener up bum when sex game goes VERY wrong
POLICE FIND GUN CONCEALED IN BUTTOCKS OF LAFOURCHE PARISH MAN
Man Denies Ownership Of Syringes Found In His Rectum During Jail Strip Search
WOMAN DISCLOSES WHY SHE INSERTED GINGER IN HER SON’S RECTUM
Cops: Monessen man tried to hide crack cocaine, M-80 ‘in his buttocks’
MAN CONFESSES HE HAD CRACK COCAINE IN ANUS
Navi Mumbai resident sodomised, five men insert coconut shell in his anus
Florida man has screwdriver surgically removed from rectum
Man killed by hammer handle in rectum
Little Malaysian boy left in coma by leech ‘which entered his anus as he played in water’
Man Pulls 32-Foot Tapeworm Out Of His Anus
Bottle gobbled up by man’s anus when he ‘tried to scratch an itch’
Names got strange in 2019:
‘Pete the Groin Crusher’ has crushed 10,000 patients’ groins ‘without even a sweat’
‘Butt Crack Bandits’ spotted outside Cedar Rapids
Baltimore fugitive known by the alias “Doo-Doo Butt” arrested in York County
‘Not ashamed’: Assman says his name shouldn’t be rejected for personalized licence plate
Colombian woman known as ‘The Beast’ dies after ‘five hours of drug-fuelled sex’
Yes, her name really is Marijuana Pepsi, and now she’s Dr. Marijuana Pepsi to you
Man named ‘Murder’ with ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck pleads guilty to murder
Man named Tupac A. Shakur arrested in Tennessee
Suspect in Monroe police shooting identified as Simba Lion
Luke Skywalker busted for pot possession in Texas
The shit hit the fan in 2019:
UNRULY MOTEL GUEST FLINGS FECES, URINE-SOAKED TOWELS AT STAFF
Florida Teacher Smeared Human Feces at Park to Ruin Principal’s Party: Officials
Feces Left Behind Could Lead Police to Suspect in Car Break Ins
Defendant in Miami-Dade courtroom throws feces at judge during trial, misses
Poop less for a cleaner planet, says Brazil’s president
Scientists solve the mystery of wombats’ cube-shaped poo
Mostly naked Florida man accused of spreading feces during school break-in
Suspect arrested after feces dumped on people near Toronto university libraries
DOORBELL CAMERA CAPTURES MAN DEFECATING OUTSIDE CAPITOL HILL HOME, LEAVING A MESS
And the piss hit the air conditioner:
New Mexico woman says she keeps getting pee-covered bologna from stranger
DUI driver with ‘fake urine’ not showered with praise
Man who touched his penis off fellow bus passenger while ‘trying to urinate’ gets suspended sentence
Monkey wees in window of dad who laughed at his penis
Caught on camera: Victoria delivery man urinates in customer’s doorway
JEFFERSON POLICE CALLED IN TO DISPUTE AFTER SOMEONE URINATED IN A COOKIE JAR
Woman charged with peeing on potatoes at Pa. Walmart has record: ‘She might need some help’
Man throws urine on Florida prosecutor during sentencing hearing
Man fined for masturbating and urinating in female residents’ shoes
Who knows what the farts hit. Maybe the swamp cooler:
How farts can ‘backfire’ and come out of your MOUTH
Stinking Fart Interrupts Kenyan Parliament Meeting
Scots scientists awarded £250,000 funding to breed sheep who fart less
Even Mister Rogers thought farts were funny
2019 was not a good year for animals:
Man sentenced to prison time for sexually assaulting horse
ATTEMPTED BURGLAR WITH HISTORY OF HORSE MOLESTATION ARRESTED WITH TASER, LARGE SEX TOY
Detectives Arrest Oldsmar Man After He Video Recorded Himself Performing Sex Acts On His Dog
Terrified Russian local scares off a moose by THROWING a cat at it
PETA Sues OHSU For Scaring Monkeys With Mr. Potato Head
Ocala man accused of engaging in sex acts with a dog
Man who can’t stop masturbating over horses caught twice in 24 hours
HIGH SCHOOL RODEOS CANCELLED, POSTPONED OVER EQUINE HERPES CONCERNS
Men sentenced up to 41 years for having sex with horses, cow, goat and dogs
Man accused of sex with cat now faces charges of luring a minor for sex in Mesa
Dead dog and AK-47 shooting spree that also killed camel spurs Oregon lawsuit
Homeless man kicks dog 15 feet in air, collapsing dog’s lung, displacing heart, police say
Pervert pensioner caught in the nude having sex with a cow
Pet owner ‘arranged for dog to have sex with woman for its “birthday present”‘
Florida woman escapes 600-pound camel in Louisiana by biting its testicles
‘Sexy Vegan’ pleads not guilty to sexually abusing dog
Extreme porn user’s disturbing images included woman having sex with octopus
Mom Charged With Murder And Bestiality After Her Kids Were Found Hanging By Dog Leash
The dead fared a little better:
Homeless man pleads to breaking into Columbus funeral home, raping corpse
Hospital guard caught having sex with woman’s corpse ahead of organ donation
LAPD Officer Allegedly Caught Fondling Dead Woman’s Breasts in Body-Cam Footage
Drunk scientist ‘caught having sex with corpse’ in autopsy room after footie win
Vaginas took a hit:
Florida woman removes several syringes from vagina during arrest, documents show
Transgender woman gets new vagina made from fish skin
Woman, 25, suffers horrific vagina injury after being flung from jet ski and landing on handle bars
Bike handle stuck in woman for two years after husband shoved it in vagina
Two women hospitalized for trying to end period with vacuum
Woman Unable To Have Sex Turns Out To Have A “Blind Vagina”
UFC’S JON JONES ACCUSED OF SLAPPING WOMAN’S VAGINA
Woman left with agonizing vagina burns after ‘steaming’ procedure
BANGKOK WOMAN HOSPITALISED AFTER SHE FALLS OVER AND A CUCUMBER ENDED UP INSIDE HER
Woman to undergo third surgery for the ‘perfect Barbie vagina’
Nurse pretended woman’s vagina was ventriloquist dummy in front of colleagues
Border patrol finds 1/2 pound of meth in woman’s vagina
Balls had it rough:
Man with missing testicle asks mother: ‘Where did it go?’
Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customer’s salsa
Teenager dies after tapeworms burrow into his brain and testicle
Dad repeatedly stabbed in testicles in front of kids after confronting ‘scallies’
Man, 30, left with spherical penis after huge genital cysts caused it to balloon
Spanish police grabbed would-be voter ‘by the testicles’
Pennsylvania man has his scrotum torn open by angry girlfriend, leaving him with a bleeding testicle
Man allegedly hiding drugs in backside accidentally shoots himself in testicles
Transgender prisoner sliced off her own testicle with sterilized disposable razor
Florida woman squeezed boyfriend’s genitals ‘until they bled’: cops
Surgeons remove TOOTH from teenager’s testicle – after thinking it was cancer
Vigilante mob rips off accused child rapist’s testicles
Mum who bit boyfriend’s testicles in ‘horrendous attack’ back in court for texting him
Testicle ‘attack’ leaves Bradford Bulls hooker facing ban
Unlucky Man Accidentally Gets His Testicle Stuck in Ikea Chair
Idiot, 26, repeatedly gored through the testicle while taking part in running of the bulls in Spain
Man shoots himself in testicle while holstering gun in Guadalupe County
MAN LOSES TESTICLE AFTER LANDLORD ‘GOES NUTS’ AND SAVAGELY ATTACKS TENANT IN FRONT OF SON
Family sues ‘master’ over son’s testicle-pumping death
17-Year-Old Carries On Playing After Rogue Ball Fractures Both His Testicles
Pensioner found with testicles ripped off on table beside him at Scot care home
Wife ‘murdered’ cheating husband by crushing his testicles until he collapsed and died
But dicks had the worst 2019 of all:
Boy, 12 , has surgery to remove 39 MAGNETIC BALLS from penis
Indiana man accidentally shoots himself in penis, police say
Flatmate arrested after Brit man was found carrying his amputated penis in a bag
Man who had an erection for two days had to get the tip of his penis amputated
Horrific pictures of man who hacked off PENIS after ‘women demanded sex in dream’
Brazil’s president says 1,000 penises amputated every year due to bad hygiene
Man dies after drinking buddy shot him in penis in Camarines Norte
Man wakes up to find his penis is cut off after night of heavy drinking
British man suffers NINE-DAY erection after falling from a moped and bruising his genitals
Hungover man ‘has penis BITTEN by wife who was furious he wouldn’t come down for breakfast’
Man sprayed in face with substance before a dog ‘bit his penis’ in Croydon
Man whose penis was burnt off in an electric shock has it rebuilt using tissue from his arm
‘Drunk’ woman ‘hacks off husband’s penis after he refused sex as punishment’
Florida Man Allegedly Cut Neighbor’s Penis Off After Accusing Him of Sleeping with His Wife
Woman cut cheating ex’s penis off and insisted ‘If I can’t have it, no one can’
Boy inserts needle into penis to stay awake for homework
After injury, man learns his penis is turning to bone
Teen Left Unable To Pee After Inserting Needle Up His Penis
Man, 34, has metal nut cut off his ‘strangulated’ penis after squeezing it on for sexual pleasure
Man believed punished with mysterious penis shooting
Man ‘bit friend’s penis off’ after victim demanded he pay back £11 loan
Wife chops off her husband’s penis and feeds it to dogs to put an end to years of domestic abuse
Woman used rose pruner to cut husband’s penis off
Man whose penis ‘split’ has it reconstructed with HONEY – and he can now have sex again
Man shoves thermometer in penis, but it enters bladder; is stuck for 11 days
Hungover bloke wakes up without a penis after horrific cannibal attack
A Man Stuck A Pair Of Tweezers Up His Penis And Didn’t Go To The Doctor For Four Years
MIAMI BEACH WOMAN BIT BOYFRIEND’S PENIS ‘OUT OF FRUSTRATION’ DURING ARGUMENT
Boy stuck 31 magnetic balls up his penis which got stuck in bladder for 70 days
TEEN GETS ‘INVERTED’ SCROTUM AND ‘DEGLOVED’ PENIS AFTER BEING IMPALED ON BIKE HANDLEBARS
Man has end of his penis amputated after docs noticed it was rotting away during routine check-up
And such violence:
Florida woman shot after performing sex act for $5 and Pringles chips
Wis. man goes on ax rampage over action figures
Transgender axe attacker split man’s face in HALF in rampage after bad Tinder date
Florida Woman Arrested For Beating Her Boyfriend With Frozen Pork Chop
Florida man arrested after throwing a cookie at his live-in girlfriend, cops say
Man charged with fatal stabbing in Alexandria thought victim was a werewolf, attorneys say
Angry at being booted from Bryan Adams concert, St. John’s woman stabs boyfriend in face
Marrero woman accused of beating ex-boyfriend with his prosthetic leg after breakup
Couple’s fight over Big Red cola gets man hit in the head with metal pipe
FLORIDA MAN TRASHES KITCHEN, CHOKES WOMAN AFTER FINDING HIS DAUGHTER COOKING MAC AND CHEESE
During argument at Allentown party, woman chops victim with tomahawk, police say
Stripper had sex with boyfriend’s disabled Star Wars-obsessed son then decapitated him
Plus meth:
Man found in Smokies died of meth overdose before being eaten by bear
Meth-smoking man: I was fighting the man in the mattress
Dundee man hacked off disabled woman’s hand ‘after Barack Obama told him to take crystal meth’
People Overdosing On Synthetic Meth Made From Wasp Spray
Police: Flushing drugs could create ‘meth gators’ in Alabama
Louisiana woman with meth in vagina denies owning the drug
Altoona man injured after lighting stick of dynamite while on meth
Woman accused of serving coworkers meth-laced bean dip
But mostly 2019 was about the mutant freaks:
Just wait, 2020 is going to make this year look mild by comparison.
