The Year In WTF? 2019: Meth, Mutants, And Mutilated Genitals

2019 will go down as the biggest WTF? year in American political history. Democrats tried to get rid of President Trump for colluding with the Russians but when that didn’t happen they settled on impeaching him for nothing in particular. Here are some of the most memorable non-impeachment WTF? moments from the year:

2019 had plenty of crazy headlines:

‘Killer’ herpes isn’t stopping these monkeys from mating and, yep, they’re in Florida

KAREN WANG’S MISTAKES DON’T GIVE YOU A LICENCE TO BE RACIST

BOULDER STABBING SPARKED BY UNSATISFACTORY PANTS EXCHANGE

Man who dated a cockroach for a year and had sex dreams about it says humans aren’t as attractive

The Backdoor Pathway To Making A Human Penis Started With A Wallaby

Cult leader claims to be able to cure cancer with breast massages and BURPS

Drunk Man Throws Up Tumour, Gets Scared, Swallows It Back

Gym pulls out before masturbation case reaches court climax

Mutant ‘porn star’ fleas with giant penises invading homes after bonkers weather creates bumper breeding season

CBU instructor fired after demanding sex, moose meat and lobster for better grades

The ghost of a masturbating ape haunts the hallways of a grand country estate in Dorset

It’s OK if it’s a three-way: Man busted in bed with two other women at resort, cites ‘fear of lizards’ when questioned

Huge blow for farmers in bull semen explosion

Omaha police investigate ‘assault with a banana’

PROLAPSED ANUS ECONOMY ENGULFS EAT STREET

ANGUS MAN WHO TRIED TO FLY DRONE INTO PERTH PRISON CLAIMED ROMANIAN CIRCUS STOLE HIS CHIHUAHUA

Wife beheaded by husband spent life helping women in crisis

A lot of weird things ended up people’s butts in 2019:

Man left with can of air freshener up bum when sex game goes VERY wrong

POLICE FIND GUN CONCEALED IN BUTTOCKS OF LAFOURCHE PARISH MAN

Man Denies Ownership Of Syringes Found In His Rectum During Jail Strip Search

WOMAN DISCLOSES WHY SHE INSERTED GINGER IN HER SON’S RECTUM

Cops: Monessen man tried to hide crack cocaine, M-80 ‘in his buttocks’

MAN CONFESSES HE HAD CRACK COCAINE IN ANUS

Navi Mumbai resident sodomised, five men insert coconut shell in his anus

Florida man has screwdriver surgically removed from rectum

A woman had a tiny pinworm laying eggs in her butt for 2 months, and it’s more common than you might think

Man killed by hammer handle in rectum

Little Malaysian boy left in coma by leech ‘which entered his anus as he played in water’

Man Pulls 32-Foot Tapeworm Out Of His Anus

Bottle gobbled up by man’s anus when he ‘tried to scratch an itch’

Names got strange in 2019:

‘Pete the Groin Crusher’ has crushed 10,000 patients’ groins ‘without even a sweat’

‘Butt Crack Bandits’ spotted outside Cedar Rapids

Baltimore fugitive known by the alias “Doo-Doo Butt” arrested in York County

‘Not ashamed’: Assman says his name shouldn’t be rejected for personalized licence plate

Colombian woman known as ‘The Beast’ dies after ‘five hours of drug-fuelled sex’

Yes, her name really is Marijuana Pepsi, and now she’s Dr. Marijuana Pepsi to you

Man named ‘Murder’ with ‘murder’ tattooed on his neck pleads guilty to murder

Man named Tupac A. Shakur arrested in Tennessee

Suspect in Monroe police shooting identified as Simba Lion

Luke Skywalker busted for pot possession in Texas

The shit hit the fan in 2019:

UNRULY MOTEL GUEST FLINGS FECES, URINE-SOAKED TOWELS AT STAFF

Florida Teacher Smeared Human Feces at Park to Ruin Principal’s Party: Officials

Girl ‘defecated through her vagina’ after Russian doctors failed to diagnose she was born without an anus for THREE YEARS

Feces Left Behind Could Lead Police to Suspect in Car Break Ins

S*** AND RUN Woman felt ‘violated’ after door-to-door salesman had a giant POO outside her front door

Defendant in Miami-Dade courtroom throws feces at judge during trial, misses

Poop less for a cleaner planet, says Brazil’s president

Scientists solve the mystery of wombats’ cube-shaped poo

Mostly naked Florida man accused of spreading feces during school break-in

Suspect arrested after feces dumped on people near Toronto university libraries

DOORBELL CAMERA CAPTURES MAN DEFECATING OUTSIDE CAPITOL HILL HOME, LEAVING A MESS

And the piss hit the air conditioner:

New Mexico woman says she keeps getting pee-covered bologna from stranger

Meet the man who drinks a pint of his own URINE every day claiming he has never felt healthier (and that it tastes like bitter ale)

DUI driver with ‘fake urine’ not showered with praise

Man who touched his penis off fellow bus passenger while ‘trying to urinate’ gets suspended sentence

Monkey wees in window of dad who laughed at his penis

School pupils ‘serve crepes filled with SEMEN and pee to their teachers’ for gourmet cooking competition

Caught on camera: Victoria delivery man urinates in customer’s doorway

JEFFERSON POLICE CALLED IN TO DISPUTE AFTER SOMEONE URINATED IN A COOKIE JAR

Woman charged with peeing on potatoes at Pa. Walmart has record: ‘She might need some help’

Man throws urine on Florida prosecutor during sentencing hearing

Man fined for masturbating and urinating in female residents’ shoes

Who knows what the farts hit. Maybe the swamp cooler:

How farts can ‘backfire’ and come out of your MOUTH

Stinking Fart Interrupts Kenyan Parliament Meeting

Scots scientists awarded £250,000 funding to breed sheep who fart less

Even Mister Rogers thought farts were funny

Man whose deadly farts ‘can kill mosquitoes hired to create Mosquito Repellent made from his intestinal gas’

2019 was not a good year for animals:

Man sentenced to prison time for sexually assaulting horse

ATTEMPTED BURGLAR WITH HISTORY OF HORSE MOLESTATION ARRESTED WITH TASER, LARGE SEX TOY

Detectives Arrest Oldsmar Man After He Video Recorded Himself Performing Sex Acts On His Dog

Terrified Russian local scares off a moose by THROWING a cat at it

PETA Sues OHSU For Scaring Monkeys With Mr. Potato Head

Ocala man accused of engaging in sex acts with a dog

Man who can’t stop masturbating over horses caught twice in 24 hours

HIGH SCHOOL RODEOS CANCELLED, POSTPONED OVER EQUINE HERPES CONCERNS

Men sentenced up to 41 years for having sex with horses, cow, goat and dogs

Man accused of sex with cat now faces charges of luring a minor for sex in Mesa

Dead dog and AK-47 shooting spree that also killed camel spurs Oregon lawsuit

Homeless man kicks dog 15 feet in air, collapsing dog’s lung, displacing heart, police say

Pervert pensioner caught in the nude having sex with a cow

Pet owner ‘arranged for dog to have sex with woman for its “birthday present”‘

Florida woman escapes 600-pound camel in Louisiana by biting its testicles

‘Sexy Vegan’ pleads not guilty to sexually abusing dog

Extreme porn user’s disturbing images included woman having sex with octopus

Animal pervert raped golden retriever and three other dogs in seven-year campaign of attacks near Australian beach

Mom Charged With Murder And Bestiality After Her Kids Were Found Hanging By Dog Leash

The dead fared a little better:

Homeless man pleads to breaking into Columbus funeral home, raping corpse

Hospital guard caught having sex with woman’s corpse ahead of organ donation

LAPD Officer Allegedly Caught Fondling Dead Woman’s Breasts in Body-Cam Footage

Drunk scientist ‘caught having sex with corpse’ in autopsy room after footie win

Vaginas took a hit:

Woman’s ‘foul-smelling’ ovarian cyst contained traces of a VEGETABLE and hair after ‘her bowel perforated’

Florida woman removes several syringes from vagina during arrest, documents show

Transgender woman gets new vagina made from fish skin

Woman, 25, suffers horrific vagina injury after being flung from jet ski and landing on handle bars

Bike handle stuck in woman for two years after husband shoved it in vagina

Two women hospitalized for trying to end period with vacuum

Woman Unable To Have Sex Turns Out To Have A “Blind Vagina”

UFC’S JON JONES ACCUSED OF SLAPPING WOMAN’S VAGINA

Woman left with agonizing vagina burns after ‘steaming’ procedure

BANGKOK WOMAN HOSPITALISED AFTER SHE FALLS OVER AND A CUCUMBER ENDED UP INSIDE HER

Woman to undergo third surgery for the ‘perfect Barbie vagina’

Nurse pretended woman’s vagina was ventriloquist dummy in front of colleagues

Border patrol finds 1/2 pound of meth in woman’s vagina

Balls had it rough:

Man with missing testicle asks mother: ‘Where did it go?’

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customer’s salsa

Teenager dies after tapeworms burrow into his brain and testicle

Dad repeatedly stabbed in testicles in front of kids after confronting ‘scallies’

Man, 30, left with spherical penis after huge genital cysts caused it to balloon

Spanish police grabbed would-be voter ‘by the testicles’

Pennsylvania man has his scrotum torn open by angry girlfriend, leaving him with a bleeding testicle

Man allegedly hiding drugs in backside accidentally shoots himself in testicles

Transgender prisoner sliced off her own testicle with sterilized disposable razor

Florida woman squeezed boyfriend’s genitals ‘until they bled’: cops

Surgeons remove TOOTH from teenager’s testicle – after thinking it was cancer

Vigilante mob rips off accused child rapist’s testicles

Mum who bit boyfriend’s testicles in ‘horrendous attack’ back in court for texting him

MAN ‘ROTTED FROM THE INSIDE OUT’ AFTER EATING GECKO AS PARTY DARE: ‘HIS TESTICLES WERE SWOLLEN UP TO GRAPEFRUITS’

Testicle ‘attack’ leaves Bradford Bulls hooker facing ban

Unlucky Man Accidentally Gets His Testicle Stuck in Ikea Chair

Idiot, 26, repeatedly gored through the testicle while taking part in running of the bulls in Spain

Man shoots himself in testicle while holstering gun in Guadalupe County

MAN LOSES TESTICLE AFTER LANDLORD ‘GOES NUTS’ AND SAVAGELY ATTACKS TENANT IN FRONT OF SON

Family sues ‘master’ over son’s testicle-pumping death

17-Year-Old Carries On Playing After Rogue Ball Fractures Both His Testicles

Pensioner found with testicles ripped off on table beside him at Scot care home

Wife ‘murdered’ cheating husband by crushing his testicles until he collapsed and died

But dicks had the worst 2019 of all:

Boy, 12 , has surgery to remove 39 MAGNETIC BALLS from penis

Indiana man accidentally shoots himself in penis, police say

Eye-watering moment man with iron ring stuck on his penis has it removed by firefighters using a BUZZSAW

Flatmate arrested after Brit man was found carrying his amputated penis in a bag

Man who had an erection for two days had to get the tip of his penis amputated

Horrific pictures of man who hacked off PENIS after ‘women demanded sex in dream’

Brazil’s president says 1,000 penises amputated every year due to bad hygiene

Man dies after drinking buddy shot him in penis in Camarines Norte

Man wakes up to find his penis is cut off after night of heavy drinking

British man suffers NINE-DAY erection after falling from a moped and bruising his genitals

Hungover man ‘has penis BITTEN by wife who was furious he wouldn’t come down for breakfast’

Mum and lesbian lover tear off 9-year-old son’s penis then behead him ‘as he reminded her of her dad’

Man sprayed in face with substance before a dog ‘bit his penis’ in Croydon

Man whose penis was burnt off in an electric shock has it rebuilt using tissue from his arm

‘Drunk’ woman ‘hacks off husband’s penis after he refused sex as punishment’

Florida Man Allegedly Cut Neighbor’s Penis Off After Accusing Him of Sleeping with His Wife

Woman cut cheating ex’s penis off and insisted ‘If I can’t have it, no one can’

Boy inserts needle into penis to stay awake for homework

After injury, man learns his penis is turning to bone

Teen Left Unable To Pee After Inserting Needle Up His Penis

Man, 34, has metal nut cut off his ‘strangulated’ penis after squeezing it on for sexual pleasure

Man believed punished with mysterious penis shooting

Man forced to have penis amputated after strangulating it with rubber band to stop cancer from spreading

Man ‘bit friend’s penis off’ after victim demanded he pay back £11 loan

Wife chops off her husband’s penis and feeds it to dogs to put an end to years of domestic abuse

Mistress, 27, ‘made married lover wear velvet mask for sex game ‘surprise’ then hacked off his penis with garden shears’

Woman used rose pruner to cut husband’s penis off

Man whose penis ‘split’ has it reconstructed with HONEY – and he can now have sex again

Man shoves thermometer in penis, but it enters bladder; is stuck for 11 days

Hungover bloke wakes up without a penis after horrific cannibal attack

A Man Stuck A Pair Of Tweezers Up His Penis And Didn’t Go To The Doctor For Four Years

MIAMI BEACH WOMAN BIT BOYFRIEND’S PENIS ‘OUT OF FRUSTRATION’ DURING ARGUMENT

British man, 32, nearly dies after parasite crawls up his penis and lays eggs while he swims in lake on African holiday

Boy stuck 31 magnetic balls up his penis which got stuck in bladder for 70 days

TEEN GETS ‘INVERTED’ SCROTUM AND ‘DEGLOVED’ PENIS AFTER BEING IMPALED ON BIKE HANDLEBARS

Man has end of his penis amputated after docs noticed it was rotting away during routine check-up

And such violence:

Florida woman shot after performing sex act for $5 and Pringles chips

Wis. man goes on ax rampage over action figures

Transgender axe attacker split man’s face in HALF in rampage after bad Tinder date

Florida Woman Arrested For Beating Her Boyfriend With Frozen Pork Chop

Florida man arrested after throwing a cookie at his live-in girlfriend, cops say

Man charged with fatal stabbing in Alexandria thought victim was a werewolf, attorneys say

Angry at being booted from Bryan Adams concert, St. John’s woman stabs boyfriend in face

Marrero woman accused of beating ex-boyfriend with his prosthetic leg after breakup

Couple’s fight over Big Red cola gets man hit in the head with metal pipe

FLORIDA MAN TRASHES KITCHEN, CHOKES WOMAN AFTER FINDING HIS DAUGHTER COOKING MAC AND CHEESE

During argument at Allentown party, woman chops victim with tomahawk, police say

Stripper had sex with boyfriend’s disabled Star Wars-obsessed son then decapitated him

Plus meth:

Man found in Smokies died of meth overdose before being eaten by bear

Meth-smoking man: I was fighting the man in the mattress

Dundee man hacked off disabled woman’s hand ‘after Barack Obama told him to take crystal meth’

People Overdosing On Synthetic Meth Made From Wasp Spray

Police: Flushing drugs could create ‘meth gators’ in Alabama

Louisiana woman with meth in vagina denies owning the drug

Altoona man injured after lighting stick of dynamite while on meth

Woman accused of serving coworkers meth-laced bean dip

But mostly 2019 was about the mutant freaks:

Just wait, 2020 is going to make this year look mild by comparison.