The big news for the new year from the Joe Biden campaign is that he no longer cares about malarky, is lagging behind the other democrats in fundraising, is predicting his own death, and thinks President Trump likes to get in the pit and mosh to Slayer or something. Don’t make that face. This is Crazy-ass Joe “Hairy Legs” Biden we’re talking about here. This may be the most normal rational stuff to come out of his campaign yet. One thing is for sure, 2020 is going to be hilarious.
First up, the democratic party candidates released their 4th quarter fundraising numbers and Biden is far behind the others. Fox News reports:
Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden on Thursday announced his campaign raised $22.7 million in the last three months of 2019, making it the best quarterly fundraising report of his campaign.
Still, the former vice president trails two other top-tier Democratic competitors in the October-December fourth quarter fundraising battle: Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont hauled in $34.5 million and former South Bend, Ind. Mayor Pete Buttigieg brought in $24.7 million.
Asked about Sanders’ eye-popping haul, Biden – campaigning in Iowa – told Fox News “I think we’re closing just fine. We feel good.”
Yeah, it’s gotta feel great to be the liberal media-declared frontrunner and still pull in significantly less than a thousand-year-old communist and a 14-year-old gay kid. For the record, President Trump hauled in $46 million in the 4th quarter, based largely on the impeachment scam.
Next, Biden wants people to know that they shouldn’t vote for him because he’s probably going to die soon. Bloomberg campaign correspondent Jennifer Epstein reports:
Biden says that if he dropped dead or dropped out of the race tomorrow, Trump would attack other Dems and will attack whoever the Dem nominee is. The difference between him and other Dems is “I’ve taken it now for 8 months and I’m still winning.”
— Jennifer Epstein (@jeneps) January 2, 2020
If he thinks he might die tomorrow, that’s only winning in Charlie Sheen’s HIV-positive world.
Epstein also reported that Biden thinks the President is a headbanging stage-diving mosher:
“The only place this guy is comfortable is in a mosh pit,” Biden says of Trump.
— Jennifer Epstein (@jeneps) January 2, 2020
First, what are the chances that old man Biden knows what the hell a mosh pit is? “Why are those idiots beating each other up? Calm down and enjoy the music, you knuckleheads!”
Second, why does Biden think this is an insult? President Trump in a mosh pit is about the coolest thing you could say about him. This is like trying to cut someone down by saying they drive a bitchin’ car, get laid a lot, and can do a keg stand.
By comparison this implies that Joe Biden is only comfortable sitting in a beanbag chair, listening to James Taylor, and drinking herbal tea. No thanks, hippie.
All of this is related to the fact that Biden has utterly abandoned his pursuit of the truth. At the end of last November, Biden launched what he called the “No Malarky Tour” in which he rode around Iowa getting rid of malarky. He started this out by eating his wife’s fingers and then called an Iowa democratic voter “fat” for questioning his crackhead son’s corruption. Sadly, the “Malarky Bus” is no more:
Biden ditches ‘No Malarkey!’ bus wrap, replacing it with ‘restoring the soul of the nation,’ a common campaign refrain. Now I’m journalistically obligated to look for malarkey. pic.twitter.com/ILjZdLwnco
— Cleve R. Wootson Jr. (@CleveWootson) January 2, 2020
Presumably Joe will restore the soul of our nation through sniffing women’s hair and letting little kids rub his hairy legs in the pool. Biden is fairly unpredictable, but I feel like there’s a hair-related solution going on here.
This is one single day in the life of Joe Biden and the guy is completely out of his mind. If any of this stuff came from President Trump, the liberal media would explode, accusing him of being worse than Hitler, proclaiming him insane, and demanding his immediate removal from office. Because it comes for Joe Biden, the fake news just pretends like everything is fine in Bidenland.
Meanwhile, where’s that Trump in the mosh pit meme?
