This week the democrats took their non-existent impeachment case to the Senate and proceeded to bore everyone to tears. Here’s some other WTF? strategies that were doomed to fail:
Headline of the Week
Major crisis averted in Abia over missing male genitalia
What could have degenerated into ethnic and religious crisis was averted in Umuahia, the Abia State capital as a tiger-nut customer raises alarm over the sudden disappearance of his male genitalia.
The incident which happened at Oboro Street by Niger road attracted so many residents who wanted to have a glimpse of the incident.
According to a source in the area, it took the timely intervention of men of the Nigeria Police Force, Bende road to avert a mob action against the Hausa man who was accused of being behind the penis disappearance.
Reports have it that the man whose manhood went missing said that he stopped to buy tiger nut from the Hausa man and while he was about going into his shop to get money to give to the man, the Hausa man touched in pretence to remove a stain from his cloth.
The man was said to feel that something moved out of his body and when he touched himself, he noticed his penis was missing.
It was at that point that the man was said to have raised alarm of his missing organ.
The people around were said to have rushed and caught the Hausa who was trying to abandon his wheelbarrow to escape.
He (Hausa man) was reportedly beaten to pulp and was made to restore what he has taken away from the victim.
“He said that he cannot return the penis saying that “the penis is very far and cannot be returned”.
The police were alerted and they took the man and Hausa man to the police headquarters in Bende road in Umuahia.
But information gathered while filing this report has it that the penis of the victim has been restored after the victim was taken to the popular Ama Hausa at Eket Street in Umuahia where the situation was reversed.
Finally a dick story with a happy ending.
Runner-Up Headline of the Week
Report: Oregon marijuana sales 420% stronger near Idaho
Marijuana sales in Oregon along the Idaho state line are 420% the statewide average, according to a state report.
Idaho residents are purchasing recreational marijuana in Oregon because it is illegal in Idaho, the report released Friday by the Oregon Office of Economic Analysis said.
The report also showed stronger marijuana sales for Washington state along its border with Idaho in 2019 than along its borders with Oregon or Canada.
What are the chances?
Traitor of the Week
Two Papuan activists on trial for treason in Indonesia’s capital decried what they described as ‘racism’ after the court on Monday ordered them to remove traditional penis gourds.
The Jakarta hearing descended into a standoff as the panel refused to proceed until the men put on pants – the second time their native garb led to delays in the trial of six activists.
One activist, Ambrosius Mulait, said the outfit was part of his identity and it was racist to expect him to dress otherwise.
‘We have been the victims of racism outside the court and now we have fallen victim to racism inside the court,’ he said.
After several hours of negotiations, the pair – also wearing Papuan headgear with their faces painted and the words ‘monkey’ scrawled on their bodies – grudgingly agreed to put on trousers.
Pants are racist!
Police Backup of the Week
Police officer with rare condition who can only defecate every two months quits force
A woman who can only defecate once every two months was forced to quit her dream job as a police officer after her muscles started to fail.
Anna Cowling, 34, from Dunmow, has a rare condition that makes her stomach paralysed and muscles uncooperative, making it hard for her to go to the loo.
One illness Ms Cowling was diagnosed with is gastroparesis, meaning her stomach is essentially paralysed and it takes hours longer than normal to digest food and tablets.
She said: “Since I was younger I’ve always had problems with my digestion.
“I was going to the toilet around once a week, then it got worse.
“When I was 18 it became once every two weeks. I was taking laxatives to help.”
Anna was forced to take a sabbatical from the Met Police in 2017. She had been working in the control room since 2011 and was also a special for Essex Police at the same time.
Here in America people are full of shit because they suffer from liberalparesis.
Special K of the Week
A mother-of-two with size 38KK breasts says her life is being ruined by her enormous chest.
Danielle Sullivan, 29, says she struggles to walk for more than 15 minutes because of crippling back, shoulder and knee pains.
The pain keeps her up at night and the pressure of her giant breasts causes painful sores and bruises which put her at risk of developing infections.
Ms Sullivan, from Selby in North Yorkshire, said: ‘They have made my life a living nightmare in so many ways.
‘The pain is constant. It begins from the moment I wake up and lasts until I go to bed.
‘I take quite strong painkillers but they often don’t work at all. I’ve had sores and open wounds on my breasts and they’re absolute agony.
‘The back pain from the sheer weight of them is terrible too. I struggle to walk for more than 15 minutes without them hurting.
And as well as the physical agony her chest causes, she has also become extremely self-conscious when out in public because her breasts are ‘the first thing people notice’.
The mental healthcare assistant said she has been denied reduction surgery by her NHS doctors, who classed the procedure as cosmetic.
Desperate but unable to afford cosmetic surgery herself, Ms Sullivan is now trying to crowdfund the £8,000 she needs for an operation to reduce the size of them.
Under socialized medicine, you gotta keep dem big ole titties.
Death Roll of the Week
Fight over O’Charley’s dinner rolls leads to shooting death
One person was shot dead Friday night and another was shot and injured following an altercation at O’Charley’s.
Bowling Green police were called to the shootings at 2717 Scottsville Road just after 10 p.m. Friday.
“At about four minutes after 10 we received a call that there were shots fired in the parking lot of O’Charley’s. When the officers arrived, they located one male in the parking lot who was deceased and another man who had been shot,” BGPD spokesman Officer Ronnie Ward said.
A witness from inside the restaurant said he thought some people got into a fight over the dinner rolls or a female and the fight escalated outside in the parking lot, diner Gary Winthrop said.
“We kind of hear a commotion coming back from another table, and I guess the word from in there was they were fighting over O’Charley’s rolls,” Winthrop said.
“I guess it escalated pretty fast, and it got taken outside. Two people got in their car and two other people came up and I guess shot them,” he said.
O’Charley’s must have some damn good rolls. The shrimp in Pittsburgh ain’t bad either:
Hosebag of the Week
Local woman stabbed in face during fight over bag of shrimp
PITTSBURGH — A woman was taken to a hospital last week after being stabbed in the face by another woman during a fight over shrimp, police said.
It happened Jan. 15 at a home on Cedar Avenue on the North Side when the women got into an argument over a bag of shrimp.
One woman hit the other with a stick. The second woman then grabbed a pair of scissors and stabbed the first woman in the face, police said.
This is what happens when you bring a stick to scissors fight. Ot shrimp fight. It’s not clear what this was.
Serial Killer of the Week
Massachusetts serial pooper busted for defecating in parking lot eight times
A Massachusetts woman was busted for allegedly turning a store parking lot into her own personal potty — pooping there a staggering eight times in roughly a month.
Dubbed the “Parking Lot Pooper,” Andrea Grocer, 51, of Ashland was allegedly caught dropping trou near the Natick Outdoor Store on Wednesday morning…
Police said they had been investigating since the fecal matter began showing up last month.
“At first, [workers] thought it was an animal but then they noticed toilet paper and other wipes — items animals would not have access to,” said police spokeswoman Lt. Cara Rossi, who said the first feces was found in early December.
After staking out the site, a cop allegedly spotted Grocer letting her bowels loose out of the door of her 2018 Lincoln MKX SUV just before 7 a.m.
When confronted, she told the officer she has irritable bowel syndrome and was on her way to her job as a nanny, a police report says…
But she was allegedly seen waiting some 10 minutes for a nearby train and other traffic to clear out before doing the deed — and the cop pointed out that there were plenty of public restrooms nearby…
The officer also called her employer, who confirmed she could have just pooped at their house.
At Grocer’s arraignment Wednesday, her lawyer called her a “pillar of the community” who works full time.
Correction: she was a pillar of the community.
Nickleback of the Week
No joke(r): Bat-wielding Batman swings at customers because they like his jacket, deputies say
A 23-year-old Palm Coast man is wanted on suspicion of attacking two men at a McDonald’s after he became enraged when one of them complimented his Batman jacket, according to authorities.
LDarius Deandre Smith faces one count of battery and two counts of aggravated assault in connection with the attack, which happened Tuesday at the McDonald’s at 5190 State Road 100 East in Palm Coast.
According to a Flagler County charging affidavit, two men, ages 59 and 63, were in the restaurant and one of them told Smith that they liked his black-and-yellow jacket that had a Batman logo on it. The men said Smith became irate, flipped them off and yelled obscenities at them, according to officials.
The duo said they ignored Smith, who left the restaurant but started recording video of the men, the affidavit stated.
One of the men, concerned that Smith was near his vehicle, told Smith that he was calling 911, prompting Smith to retrieve a baseball bat from his 1995 GMC Yukon, according to the affidavit. Smith swung the bat at the men, narrowly missing them, deputies said.
Smith then drove off and threw a nickel at them, striking the 63-year-old in the forehead and causing an abrasion, the affidavit said.
The victim declined medical treatment, according to officials.
Florida Batman is awesome!
Super Trooper of the Week
K9 Tasered, Cow Tramples During Burglary Call In Pleasant Hill
A check on a reported burglary in Pleasant Hill ended up involving a charging K9, a mad cow and two people with minor injuries.
At about 4 p.m. a deputy responded to a report of a possible burglary in progress on Drivers Lane in the Pleasant Hill community, according to the Sheriff’s Office.
The deputy took his K9 out of his patrol car while waiting for backup to arrive.
“A cow nearby distracted the dog, and he subsequently bit the cow. In an attempt to protect the cow from injuries, the deputy tased the K-9. The dog was taken into leash control and returned to the deputy’s vehicle,” the information states.
Reacting to the dog, the cow struck the deputy and a female property owner. Their injuries were determined to be minor.
To make matters worse, the burglary that was reported was unfounded.
Everything about this story is utterly ridiculous.
Avatar of the Week
Mutant goat is ‘worshipped as an avatar of god’ after it is born with ‘human-like’ eyes in India
A mutant goat is being ‘worshipped as an avatar of God’ after it was born with a flat face and strange ‘human-like’ eyes in India.
The young animal, which has human-like eyes and mouth, was born recently in Nimodia village on the outskirts of Jaipur, Rajasthan.
Owner Mukeshji Prajapap posted a short video of the black goat with a strange face inside his hut earlier this week.
It may have suffered the facial deformity due to a rare congenital defect called Cyclopia, which usually causes a single eye to form on the forehead.
Goats may be considered a holy animal in India, although Hinduism names the cow, monkey, snake, elephant and tiger among its five holiest animals.
However, goats are named in part of the Vedas, Hindu religious texts, as an animal of importance.
That’s my avatar after I polish off a case of PBR.
Pecker of the Week
Man killed by cockfighting rooster in India
An Indian man has died after he was slashed by a razor blade tied to a rooster during an illegal cockfight.
The event took place in Pragadavaram village in the state of Andhra Pradesh and led to the death of 55-year-old Saripalli Venkateswara Rao, local media reported.
As one of the organisers held the bird, preparing to release it into the arena, it struggled free and lashed out, inflicting a deep wound on the victim who stood nearby.
When a man chokes his chicken, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a chicken chokes a man, that is news.
WTF? of the Week
Most humiliating police reenactment ever as cops are forced to act out randy couple’s public sex
THAI cops staged a cringe-worthy reconstruction as they stepped up their hunt for a couple who filmed themselves romping in public.
Footage emerged at the weekend of a naked Western man and a Thai woman humping by a tennis court at the prestigious Kasetsart University in Bangkok.
Further videos from the same couple showed them bonking next to a motorway and stripping in a lift and apartment hallway.
Outraged locals complained to police who began hunting the pair on suspicion of breaking the country’s public indecency laws.
And so, in a bid to jog people’s memories, uniformed cops faithfully simulated the suspects’ amorous antics.
“Jog people’s memory” means something entirely different in Thai.
