The coronavirus has managed a near 100% infection rate of the news and there’s almost nothing but pandemic news. There’s not nearly the amount of genital mutilation and enormous breasts news that the Week in WTF? is famous for, but there were still a few crazy things going on:
Headline of the Week
Bull testicles sit in freezer awaiting festival
Dennis Gerth has 330 pounds of bull testicles in his freezer. And thanks to current events, the bull testicles aren’t moving any time soon.
Gerth is the supplier for Deerfield’s Testicle Festival put on by the Deerfield American Legion Post 392.
“They’re okay, they’re frozen, they should be good,” said Gerth. He says they can stay frozen for a couple of months. Though 330 pounds of bull testicles do take up quite a bit of space in the freezer at Gerth’s Beef and Deli on Lewis Ave. in Temperance.
Of course, they were only supposed to be there for a few days, but now, the boxes and boxes of frozen testicles, stacked chin high, could be there until May 9. That’s the tentative new date for the famous festival.
Over at the American Legion Post 392, organizers hope the postponement means they’ll have the biggest attendance yet. It’s more than just a novelty event, it helps the American Legion help the community. The Testicle Festival is the American Legion’s sole source of funding.
…attendees are nose to nose while they enjoy the day. [The event organizer] understands they absolutely had to postpone.
“It’s a close contact event,” she said.
Close contact and testicles are not a great mix even without the coronavirus.
Dick of the Week
Eric Dickerson’s mission to change Rams logo: ‘Looks like a penis’
Eric Dickerson to the rescue.
The Hall of Famer and former Rams running back has volunteered to be the voice of the fans who were upset with the new logos the franchise unveiled on Monday.
“@RamsNFL fans, I reviewed your comments regarding new logos and share in your disappointment,” Dickerson tweeted on Wednesday.“I’ll be speaking with the Rams on our behalf.”
In the tweet, Dickerson included a pair of alternate logos and asked fans for their feedback on them.
Dickerson, the Rams’ vice president of business development, was even more blunt in an interview with the Los Angeles Times when speaking about the new logo with a ram’s head.
“Someone said it looks like a penis; it did,” Dickerson told the newspaper. “That says it all right there. That should be enough for the Rams to say we messed up. We’re going to keep what we got.”
When the Dick Rams play the Packers it will be the most homoerotic sporting event since that oily wrestling scene in Spartacus.
Dick Reject of the Week
Dad rejected by Army due to six-inch tattoo of penis
A DAD has been rejected by the Army after being told his six-inch tattoo of a penis is offensive.
Kevin Price, 28, got the tat on his inner thigh at a mate’s house when he was ‘eight pints deep’ after a night at the pub.
He managed to keep it secret from his girlfriend Kimberly, 28, for three months.
He says he gets lots of attention when it peaks out from his shorts in summer but insists he doesn’t regret the phallic inking despite being rejected by the Army who deemed it ‘offensive and ineligible under current policy’.
The dad-of-three, from Hartlepool, has slammed the decision as ‘a bit of a joke’.
The supermarket worker and taxi driver said: ‘I don’t really get it. I passed the online medical and the phone medical. One of the last steps was to send a picture of the tattoos.
‘I have a sleeve on my arm so I sent them over that. Then I thought I had better be honest and send them over the one on my leg.
‘Next thing I know, I’ve been told I can’t join. I think it’s a bit of a joke as I’m not exactly going to run around in just my boxers, am I?
They’re still taking trannies, though.
Fish Dick of the Week
Newlywed fought off giant barracuda while on honeymoon after it started biting on his PENIS
A NEWLYWED fought off a giant barracuda on his honeymoon — after it started chomping on his tackle.
Jayme Bryla, 39, was snorkelling alone at an eco-waterpark near Cancun, Mexico.
He said: “It was magical snorkelling surrounded by colourful fish.
“I had swum through a school of pretty huge sergeant major fish when the water became eerily empty.
“It was dark, God knows how deep, and I was quite far from land. Then I saw to my right a pale fish, 3ft or 4ft long.
“I was thinking that was pretty cool when I felt something tug on my undercarriage.
“I ducked my head down to look and there it was, thrashing away on my shorts.”
Jayme, from London, who writes headlines for The Sun, swam as hard as he could and managed to shake it off.
He said: “Adrenaline kicked in so I didn’t feel pain.
“Later I felt a sharp stinging sensation. The barracuda had drawn blood and left raking teeth marks on the end of my John Thomas.”
Jayme and wife Magda, 36, a nanny, wed last August and went away this month.
He added: “I told her the beast probably mistook the contents of my shorts for a rival barracuda. She just laughed.”
If it were me, I would have fought off the barracuda before he started biting my John Thomas.
Fake Nut of the Week
CIA Designed A ‘Fake Scrotum’ To Help Pilots Conceal Devices During Strip Searches
The real-life CIA operative from Argo was a master of deception – although, this particular invention to help spies in the field is a bit nuts.
For the first time ever, the world can see the ‘scrotum concealment device’ in the flesh – an artificial set of testicles designed to help pilots hide an escape radio in the event of a strip search.
It was the brainchild of Tony Mendez, a former CIA chief of disguise, back in the late 1960s. Now, it’s on display for the public at the International Spy Museum in Washington D.C.
The latex ‘device’ was designed to be glued onto a man’s scrotum. The idea behind it was down to fragile masculinity: Mendez suspected that male security guards would likely get a bit testy when it comes to ‘thoroughly searching’ through a man’s genitals for any contraband, so in theory, it’s perfect.
Mendez, who sadly passed away in January last year, was famous for his ‘creative and out-of-the-box problem-solving [he] used to solve challenges that came his way’.
Perhaps his most well-known plot was the Canadian Caper, in which he masqueraded as a Hollywood producer in order to rescue six Americans caught up in the hostage crisis in Tehran in 1979/80 (this was later adapted for the Oscar-winning film, Argo).
The spokeswoman added: ‘As goofy as it may look, at the same time, this sort of item could have saved lives.’
Fake balls save real lives.
Droop of the Week
An expert has revealed how being tempted to go braless during the coronavirus lockdown could have long term affects on your breasts.
Victoria Shelton, Garment Technologist at www.Figleaves.com told FEMAIL that if breasts are unsupported they could suffer damage to the Cooper’s Ligament, the connective tissue in the breast that help maintain structural integrity.
And Dr Riccardo Frati of Frati Cosmetic Surgery explained that bras are important in maintaining support as breasts tend to sag over time due to gravity and age.
Meanwhile Anna Akerlund, head of sales at Luxury French underwear brand Lousia Bracq, explained that going without a bra could affect your posture – especially for large breasted women – and the shape of your breasts.
This came as women across the UK rejoiced as they took to Instagram and Twitter to reveal they were enjoying the comfort of being bra-free during lockdown – and FEMAIL spoke to a bra-fitter for top tips on comfortable alternatives.
The economy isn’t the only thing sagging during the coronavirus pandemic.
Hurl of the Week
Man accused of ‘hurling dog feces’ in neighbourhood dispute
The Timmins Police Service has charged a local man in regards to his involvement in a disturbance between neighbors in the north end neighborhood in Timmins that occurred during the noon hour of Sunday, March 1.
A disturbance erupted between neighbors that led, at one point, to a man hurling dog feces towards another person’s vehicle.
Responding Timmins Police Service officers completed their investigation and located the man involved in the incident.
Based on the outcome of the investigation, Shawn Hattie, 52, of Timmins, has been charged with:
Mischief under $5000 contrary to the Criminal Code of Canada
I thought Canadians were supposed to be polite.
Cock of the Week
Georgia man sexually assaults a chicken, makes terroristic threats
A Clinch County, Georgia, man has been jailed on charges of making terroristic threats, but the March 20 arrest wasn’t his first last week.
Reinaldo Pineda, 69, was arrested on March 17 and charged with bestiality after a surveillance video showed him having sex with a chicken…
Clinch County Sheriff’s Department Investigator James Smith told the News that he had confirmed the man seen in the February 26 video was, in fact, Pineda.
Pineda was released on bond on the same day he was arrested on the bestiality charge, but then another video landed him back in jail.
In that video, the News reported, Pineda was threatening other people, saying he would “shoot them all like dogs” and then shoot himself.
Pineda’s now being held without bond in nearby Coffee County.
I’m guessing “chicken f*cker” doesn’t earn a lot of respect in the joint.
Price Gouging of the Week
Coronavirus pandemic drives up price of heroin, meth and fentanyl
The coronavirus pandemic is driving up the price of heroin, methamphetamine and fentanyl as Mexican cartels scramble to get their hands on Chinese-manufactured chemicals now in short supply.
“The cartels are having a lot of difficulty producing drugs right now, and when the supply is low the price always goes up,” a US federal law enforcement source told The Post. “China has pretty much stopped production on the chemicals they need to do business.”
The pandemic has led to a shortage of workers at labs in China which produces more than 80 percent of precursor chemicals such as benzylfentanyl, norfentanyl and 4-anilinopiperidine used by the cartels to manufacture synthetic opioids such as black market heroin made in clandestine labs and fentanyl.
The bulk of the meth and synthetic opioids clandestinely produced in Mexico is controlled by the Sinaloa Cartel and its rival, the Jalisco New Generation Cartel, according to the Drug Enforcement Administration’s latest National Drug Threat Assessment.
Don’t worry, the democrats are working on a bailout for the meth industry as we speak.
Bullseye of the Week
Nude woman ignores coronavirus warnings to straddle ‘Charging Bull’
Where are her gloves?!
This blond bombshell straddled the “Charging Bull” statue in the nude Thursday — brazenly ignoring all coronavirus protection measures.
With quarantine in effect and the streets empty, no one was there to stop the carefree cowgirl from straddling the Financial District’s bronze icon.
When she eyed a Post photographer, the bull rider took off with a pal who’d been snapping iPhone photos.
The unsanitary stunt came as US stocks rallied for a third straight day, with the Dow finishing up 1,352 points.
Now that’s what I call a bull market.
Coronabomber of the Week
A man called in a bomb threat to the Orlando Police Department late Tuesday, threatening to blow up the agency’s headquarters and other nearby buildings because people are being “put… out of work” due to the coronavirus crisis, an arrest report said.
Justin Demorea Black, 28, faces charges of false report of a bombing and unlawful use of a two-way communication device. Police did not find any explosives when they arrested him, according to the report.
Police said a caller dialed 911 about 7:15 p.m. Tuesday — about two hours after Mayor Buddy Dyer and Orange County Mayor Jerry Demings announced a county-wide stay-at-home order in response to the COVID-19 pandemic — and claimed to have four bombs.
“I’m going to blow up the Orlando Police Department, I’m going to blow up the 7-Eleven, I’m going to blow up… there was a carwash,” the caller said, according to the report.
The man refused to tell a dispatcher where he was or give his name, police said, but added “when you hear explosions, just know I warned ya’ll first.”
“Just know, that Coronavirus, y’all want to put people out of work… yeah… I’m gonna put some people out of work,” the caller said. “Have a good night.”
The caller then hung up. But police were able to trace his location to 440 South Orange Blossom Trail, which is a U.S. Post Office across the street from Orlando Police Department Headquarters.
An arriving OPD officer, Jerry Pergerson, spotted a man later identified as Black leaning against a nearby Lynx bus stop sign. Black was wearing work boots, jeans, a yellow construction vest and a white construction hard hat, Pergerson wrote. He was the only person in the area and was holding a cell phone to his ear, the officer said.
At the same time, a second call came in to 911.
The same caller told a dispatcher, “I got a bomb right here, I’m about to blow up Orlando,” adding he was “just letting you [know] the Orlando Police Department is going to get blown up right now. … I give it like thirty minutes.”
“All I got to do is push this button,” the man said.
Pergerson confronted Black, noticing he had a small pepper spray canister in an elastic holster strapped to his wrist. The canister was black with a red button cap. The officer wrote it appeared Black was trying to “portray the canister of pepper spray as some form of a detonation device for the alleged bombs.”
Ironically, Black is black.
WTF? (Literally) of the Week
X-rated video store an ‘essential business’? Not so much, cops say
After a citizen complaint to police, an X-rated video store in West Peoria has stopped offering curbside service during the state’s coronavirus shutdown.
The Green Door Video-Erotic Boutique has closed completely, according to the Peoria County Sheriff’s Office.
Early this week, the sheriff’s department received a complaint that though the business had closed to foot traffic, a sign there offered curbside service.
The business’s Facebook page includes posts declaring a right to stay open as a curbside service during the state’s stay-at-home order. A post Monday said, “The Green Door has not closed its doors in over 40 years. However, in the event of a national pandemic, we do not fall under the blanket of essential business. But just because the doors are locked does not mean we are still not available. If you need something from us and you know exactly what it is, you can give us a call … and we will do what the restaurants are doing and bring it out to your car.”
Another post apparently tried to cast The Green Door’s products to medical necessities: “In light of recent news, the Green Door will continue to be open as we are part of ‘the fundamental building blocks that keeps our society safe and steady.’” The post further stated that the business — “the best and most stocked store of intimate adult pleasure items to help during this hectic quarantine” — includes “FDA-approved” and “doctor-prescribed” products.
The state’s stay-at-home order “closes all nonessential establishments, including most retail, recreation and entertainment businesses.” Exceptions, such as grocery stores and medical offices, are noted in the order.
A deputy obtained a copy of the stay-at-home order and visited The Green Door and talked to a manager, who said he thought curbside service was permitted.
“He stated he believed he could still operate since he sells FDA-approved items,” the deputy wrote in his report. “I informed (the manager) this was not the case.”
The deputy showed the manager a copy of the state order. The manager closed the store.
Moments later, the people of West Peoria discovered the Internet.
