If everything is racist and the universe is everything, it stands to reason that outer space is a very racist place. Late astronomer Carl Sagan would say the universe has “billions and billions of racially insensitive bodies.” Actually he might not have said that. I don’t think he was a woke liberal ninny. NASA however is as woke and ninnified as they come so they have top men dealing with the problem of space racism.
I can assure you this is not a joke, in the sense that NASA is apparently serious about it. It is however a joke given that this is what the world’s top astronomical engineers and astrophysicists are working on:
Distant cosmic objects such as planets, galaxies, and nebulae are sometimes referred to by the scientific community with unofficial nicknames. As the scientific community works to identify and address systemic discrimination and inequality in all aspects of the field, it has become clear that certain cosmic nicknames are not only insensitive, but can be actively harmful. NASA is examining its use of unofficial terminology for cosmic objects as part of its commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion.
“I support our ongoing reevaluation of the names by which we refer to astronomical objects. Our goal is that all names are aligned with our values of diversity and inclusion, and we’ll proactively work with the scientific community to help ensure that. Science is for everyone, and every facet of our work needs to reflect that value,” said Thomas Zurbuchen, associate administrator of NASA’s Science Mission Directorate.
So, what celestial bodies are so damn racist that NASA needs an Apollo-like mission to correct? Well, this:
As an initial step, NASA will no longer refer to planetary nebula NGC 2392, the glowing remains of a Sun-like star that is blowing off its outer layers at the end of its life, as the “Eskimo Nebula.” “Eskimo” is widely viewed as a colonial term with a racist history, imposed on the indigenous people of Arctic regions. Most official documents have moved away from its use. NASA will also no longer use the term “Siamese Twins Galaxy” to refer to NGC 4567 and NGC 4568, a pair of spiral galaxies found in the Virgo Galaxy Cluster. Moving forward, NASA will use only the official, International Astronomical Union designations in cases where nicknames are inappropriate.
Unfortunately NASA changed the names to the “N-word Nebula” and the “Guido Galaxy” respectively, so there’s still much work to be done.
“These nicknames and terms may have historical or culture connotations that are objectionable or unwelcoming, and NASA is strongly committed to addressing them. Science depends on diverse contributions, and benefits everyone, so this means we must make it inclusive,” said said Stephen T. Shih, Associate Administrator for Diversity and Equal Opportunity.
Finally, all of those Eskimos and Siamese twins who were reluctant to become astronauts because of racially insensitive celestial bodies can now join the space program. Also, NASA has a diversity scientist.
The Agency will be working with diversity, inclusion, and equity experts in the astronomical and physical sciences to provide guidance and recommendations for other nicknames and terms for review.
I’m glad they asked for my help. As it turns out I have and advanced degree in Astro-race-ics from the University of South Detroit and I’ve identified a few more problematic cosmic objects:
Black holes: Something that sucks everything is deeply offensive to people of color and should be renamed “Black Lives Matter Holes.”
Uranus: This is obvious homophobia. The animated series Futurama suggests renaming it “Ur-rectum.”
Cancer: This constellation is a slap in the face to everyone who has suffered from this disease and their families. Maybe go with “crabs” or some other sexually-transmitted affliction.
Dwarf planets/dwarf stars: They prefer to be called little planets and little stars.
Pistol Nebula: Way to violent and promotes dangerous things like self-defense and freedom. Should be renamed the “Commonsense Safety Nebula.”
The Black Eye Galaxy glorifies domestic violence, the Cigar Galaxy promotes smoking, and the Little Sombrero Galaxy is a racial stereotype this universe doesn’t need. Rename them all after George Floyd because he achieved the greatness of abusing drugs and dying of a heart attack and should be rewarded.
Also, obviously anything named after a white man needs to go, even if they were discovered by white men. Let’s get some diversity going with “Tupac’s Magnetic Star” and “Halle Berry’s Comet.”
I think a better headline for this article would have been: NASA working hard to get President Trump to pull their funding.
