As many of you know, I’ve been out of commission for most of the month of September. I was actually working on my weekly WTF? column when I was afflicted with a massive blood clot. The following is what I was doing before I went down, plus some other WTF? I missed in the past month:
Headline of the Month
Greek police probe aid workers on Lesbos island
Greek police have opened an inquiry into the activities of aid workers facilitating what authorities said were illegal entries into the country through the island of Lesbos.
Greece was on the front line of a huge surge of refugees and migrants to Europe in 2015 and 2016, many through its outlying islands close to Turkey including Lesbos. The flow has since ebbed.
Police said 35 people linked to non-governmental organisations were under investigation for providing support to traffickers ferrying migrants to the island. The workers gave information over encrypted messaging apps on assembly points on the Turkish shore and geographical coordinates of landing areas, according to the police.
Sorry, the headline had me thinking something entirely different was going on here.
Tiger Queen of the Month
Ballsy tourist slammed for grabbing tiger by testicles for zoo selfie
A handsy tourist outraged animal lovers after uploading selfies of herself brazenly holding a tiger’s genitals at a Thai animal park.
The woman, Waraschaya Akkarachaiyapas, had been visiting Tiger Kingdom zoo in Chiang Mai, northern Thailand, a hot spot for tourists looking to take selfies with the massive cat.
However, the Bangkok resident got a more intimate wildlife encounter than most after cupping the tiger’s testicles and posting pics of her dirty deed on social media on Aug. 26…
Needless to say, the bozo’s privacy-violating photo op did not sit well with the online masses, who accused her of “humiliating” the tiger.
“This is so rude,” wrote one critic about her risqué pic, according to The Daily Mail. “The tiger did not allow you to touch his privates. You have no right to do that.”
Another added, “This is dangerous. If the tiger had reacted angrily it could have attacked you.”
Others reportedly felt bad that the big cat had its testicles exposed online.
In response to the the backlash, Waraschaya claimed that she’s an animal lover.
Eeny meeny miney mutts, catch a tiger by his nuts.
Rat of The Week
Woman bites husband’s penis after he refuses to kill rat in their home
A Zambian woman sank her teeth into her husband’s genitals because she was infuriated that he refused to kill a rat in their home, according to a report.
Abraham Musonda, 52, suffered the gruesome injury when his wife Mukupa, 40, returned to their home in the town of Kitwe after drinking out with her friends and discovered the rodent, the Zambian Observer reported.
The two are separated and have separate bedrooms in the same home, Bothwell Namuswa, deputy police commissioner in Copperbelt Province, told the Observer.
Mukupa claimed the rat was pestering her in her room so she asked Musonda to get rid of it – then gnawed into his manhood when he refused and caused a “major tear.”
Musonda was rushed to a Kitwe Teaching Hospital, where he was treated for the shocking injury…
It was not known if the woman was charged.
This is why you sometimes do need to give a rat’s ass about things.
Glue Trap of the Month
Woman glued up her own vagina in attempt to frame ex-boyfriend for crime
A woman who glued up her own vagina in a desperate bit to try and frame her ex for the crime has been sentenced to 10 years in prison.
Vanesa Gesto accused former boyfriend Ivan Rico of kidnapping her outside her home and later abandoning her while semi-naked after squeezing the superglue into her private parts.
Her story began to unravel when investigators uncovered CCTV footage from a Chinese-run supermarket showing Gesto buying the glue and a ‘kidnap kit’ including knives she used to harm herself.
Police also discovered the only vehicle filmed passing the spot where she claimed to have been assaulted and then tortured was a council bin lorry – not the black car she said she had been abducted in.
Rico, 36, spent several days on remand in prison before the shameful attempts by Gesto, who was dubbed the ‘Glue Liar’ in Spain where the crime took place, became apparent.
It’s a Pelosi-style setup. The boyfriend should apologize.
Mug of the Month
Man charged after accused of urinating in public, walking with pants down
Kanawha County deputies said a man has been arrested after he was accused of urinating in public and then walking a roadway with his pants down and genitals exposed.
Douglas Means, 64, of Davis Creek was arrested on an indecent exposure charge after an incident that occurred Friday, according to a news release from the Kanawha County Sheriff’s Office.
The news release said a resident on Kanawha State Forest Drive called 911 and reported seeing the incident.
When deputies arrived, they said, they found Means, who had outstanding warrants for two similar incidents from two days ago. He was arrested at that time.
Means was arrested in April 2020 for another incident of indecent exposure that allegedly occurred March 28, the sheriff’s office said. The sheriff’s office said that case is still pending.
Douglas means business when it comes to indecent exposure and sad duck faces.
The Other Mug of the Month
Man in China undergoes surgery to have beer glass removed from his rectum
In the most recent case, a man had to undergo a surgery at the Affiliated Traditional Chinese Medicine Hospital of Southwest Medical University to have a beer glass removed from his rectum.
According to reports, Professor Li Wusheng and his team of doctors were forced to operate after an X-Ray revealed a 6 cm tall glass with a diameter of 5.6cm was firmly wedged in the man’s rectum.
Fortunately, the glass was removed from the man’s rectum without causing any complications. The hospital identified the patient as Mr. Huang but did not give any details about how the glass ended up inside his rectum.
That ain’t how you chug a beer, bro.
Snake-On-Snake Crime of the Month
Teen hospitalized after receiving snake bite to penis while on toilet
A Thai teen lived out every man’s worst nightmare after a snake sunk its fangs into his penis while he was on the john.
“I looked down and saw there was a snake hanging in the toilet,” Siraphop Masukarat, 18, told Viral Press. His near-serpent circumcision occurred Tuesday, approximately 12 miles north of Bangkok, after the reptile allegedly infiltrated the plumbing.
Masukarat recalls watching smartphone videos on the toilet when all of sudden he felt a searing pain in his nether region. The university student looked down to discover a nightmarish sight — a 4-foot python with its jaws clamped around the tip of his penis.
At that point, the horrified boy stood up with the snake still attached, and slammed the door on the reptile, causing it to release its grip. Masukarat then howled in terror and rushed out of the now blood-spattered bathroom with his pants around his ankles, whereupon the serpent slinked back into the toilet bowl.
Noticing her son’s distress, the teenager’s mother attempted to calm him down before emergency services rushed the poor soul to the hospital to have his mangled member repaired. Thankfully, doctors were able to stitch up Masukarat’s wound and sterilize it using an antibiotic wash.
”The doctor said my penis can be used as a normal soon,” gushed the grateful teen, who is currently recovering at the hospital.
As for the snake, handlers were able to bag the manhood-munching reptile using special equipment and release it safely back into the wild.
That’s not how you snake a toilet, bro.
Nut-On-Nut Crime of the Month
Woman bites man’s testicle off ‘as he tried to rape her’ in Brazil
A woman is being investigated by police in Brazil after she bit a man’s testicle off.
The woman, named locally as Bruna, has admitted to the attack on September 5 – but says she only acted in self-defence when the man tried to rape her.
She claims the man, named locally as Pedro, her neighbour, came into the bedroom of her home in Miguel Alves, northern Brazil, where she was with another man and assaulted her.
In a video which has since gone viral, she claims that the man – who she alleges is her pimp – pushed her on to her bed with enough force to break it, before trying to rape her.
She confesses to biting him twice in self-defence, though says she was unaware at the time that she had bitten his testicle off.
Local reports suggest that the man may also be her ex-boyfriend, and attacked her out of jealousy. She denied dating him.
‘He climbed naked on the bed, he didn’t even let the guy undress, saying it was him now,’ she says in the video…
‘Then, he took [his penis] and started attacking me. The guy was pulling him to get him off me, while he was pulling my hair.
‘As he was already naked, on the bed, I took [his penis] and went – when my hair was pulled like that – I went downstairs… and bit it.
‘Because women don’t have the strength of men, understand? I went to his weak point. I bit.’
After the attack, the man was rushed to hospital in a serious condition, where doctors were unable to reattach the testicle.
It’s true: Pimpin’ ain’t easy.
Ball Taker of the Month
Woman in Juja seeks justice after her neighbour bit her son’s genitals off
A family in Juja, Kiambu County is seeking justice after their neighbour pounced on their kin, biting off his genitals during an argument.
Joyce Muthoni said that the suspect who claimed to be a member of their estate demolished a section of a one-story house she was putting up for her two sons over claims that she was building rentals on a locality designed for residential houses.
She had received a call from the project’s security guard on the night of September 23 informing her that her house was under demolition.
After the incident, she went to the scene of the incident in the company of her youngest son.
On arrival, the duo found their neighbour huffing and puffing near the estate’s gate.
Muthoni then demanded to know why the man she had had a long-standing feud with was doing at her property.
The two reportedly got into a heated argument with Muthoni following the man home after the argument.
She later said she had only wanted to get to the bottom of the matter.
While at the suspect’s house, her son got into an argument with the suspect, and during the scuffle, his genitals were bitten off.
The victim said he has been grappling with serious pain and called on authorities to expedite the arrest of the man behind his injuries
Instead of taking his ball and going home, this guy went home and then took somebody else’s ball.
Ball Breaker of the Month
Mum kicked man so hard in the testicles he suffered blood clots
Lisa Hampson, 46, had just been kicked out of a bar and slapped a doorman when the victim tried to calm her down outside.
But the mum-of-two booted the man in the groin, leaving him in severe pain and blood clots in his testicles.
The injury ‘ruined’ the man’s life, and had a ‘devastating’ effect on his personal relationships, finances and mental health, a court heard.
Hampson was previously barred from Mr Whites sports bar in Birkenhead, Merseyside, over an assault on the same doorman, Liam McGuinness, on August 3 last year.
Chuba Nwokedi, prosecuting, said Mr McGuinness spotted her drinking in the venue at around 10pm on September 20 and asked her to leave.
He then felt a tap on his shoulder and when he turned around, was slapped in the head by Hampson, who was escorted out.
The victim was standing outside having a cigarette and saw Hampson ‘screaming and being aggressive’ with door staff.
Mr Nwokedi said: ‘He intervened in an attempt to calm her down. He was kicked in the groin by the defendant.
The defendant then left the scene. ‘Initially the victim thought everything was fine, but as the night went on, he started to suffer severe pain.’
He was taken to hospital by ambulance and underwent surgery, which would be the first of multiple medical interventions.
Mr Nwokedi said: ‘This incident has had a devastating effect on his life. He suffered a scrotal haematoma.
‘In layman’s terms, that’s large amounts of blood in the scrotum. He’s had numerous procedures since the initial incident in an attempt to treat it.
‘He’s had surgical exploration, usually done by incision. He’s also had to have procedures to have the blood clots removed from his scrotum.’
Suddenly the blood clot in my leg doesn’t seem so bad.
Mr. Tea of the Month
California Man Claims Spilled Starbucks Tea Burnt Him So Badly His Genitals Were Disfigured
A California man has filed a lawsuit against Starbucks in which he claims that his body was severely burned after a lid on his cup had popped off, spilling scalding hot tea on his stomach, hands and genitals.
The incident occurred on Oct. 5, 2018 when Tommy Piluyev, then 22, pulled up to a Starbucks drive-thru in Roseville, California, and ordered two grande Honey Citrus Mint teas…
“As the window associate reached to the SUV’s window sill to deliver the second sleeved and lidded cup to Mr. Piluyev, the lid lost its seal with the cup lip and dislodged from the top of the cup,” the lawsuit read, according to the outlet. “Hot tea spilled on Mr. Piluyev’s left hand during the transfer, the cup overturned on the window sill and hot tea poured onto Mr. Piluyev’s hands, stomach and pelvic area.”
“Covered in scalding tea, and unable to open his door to escape because he was near the drive-through window, Mr. Piluyev quickly put the SUV into gear and accelerated from the window. He pulled into an adjacent parking lot, hastily exited the vehicle stripped off his sweat pants,” the suit continued.
The lawsuit said that Piluyev had suffered “partial-thickness burns with blistering across the lower left abdomen, thighs, penis, scrotum, peritoneum and buttocks” by the time he got to the hospital.
The defense should argue that anyone ordering a Honey Citrus Mint tea lacks male genitals in the first place.
Tail Gunner of the Month
Man sentenced after police find loaded gun in his buttocks during strip search
A Louisiana man chose the cheekiest of places when he needed to find a quick hiding spot for his gun.
Justin Savoie, 24, pleaded guilty Friday to weapons charges after police in the town of Golden Meadow — who were arresting him late last year on a separate matter — discovered he had stashed a loaded .25 caliber Titan pistol in his buttocks…
Police had taken Savoie into custody on Dec. 28, 2019, after they responded to “suspicious activity” in a home he was occupying with a female acquaintance, the report said.
Cops said they discovered Savoie possessed a handgun, marijuana and drug paraphernalia during an initial search.
Multiple other firearms were discovered in his truck at the scene, the report said.
But as Savoie was being strip searched after his arrest, police reportedly found the additional surprise weapon “concealed in his rear end.”
The pistol is more than four inches long with a 2.5-inch barrel.
The already had hm on illegal weapons possession, what was the point of shoving the gun up his ass?
Shocker of the Month
Man electrocuted in Dehradun while urinating near electric pole
A 37-year-old labourer was allegedly electrocuted in Dehradun on Thursday evening while urinating near an electric pole, police said.
This is the second case of electrocution in the state in a week.
Amarjeet Rawat, in-charge Raipur police said the deceased identified as Rajveer Singh, was a labourer.
“Around 6 pm, we got information that one labourer had died due to electrocution. We immediately rushed there and came to know that he had gone to urinate near an electric where he got electrocuted and died on the spot,” he said.
Rawat said the deceased hailed from Moradabad in Uttara Pradesh and used to work in Dehradun as a labourer. “We have sent the body to the mortuary. Post mortem of the body will be conducted on Friday,” he said.
Treat each piss as if it was your last.
Bribe of the Month
Florida woman urinated in front of deputy, offered to “go down” on him
A young woman who could have gotten a ride home found herself behind bars with a felony charge after she urinated in front of a deputy and attempted to bribe him.
When Lake County deputies discovered a young woman sitting in the median of US 27 in Leesburg around 2 a.m., they offered to sit with her until someone could pick her up.
Madison Ann Bryant, 19, told deputies she had exited a nearby truck after arguing with her boyfriend about “relationship issues.”
While waiting for a ride, Bryant told the deputy that she had to urinate and that she intended to do so on the side of the road. The deputy instructed her not to and offered to drive her to a nearby gas station.
Bryant, who was heavily intoxicated, did not want to wait. Instead, she pulled down her pants, and while holding on to the push bars of the patrol vehicle, began to urinate as traffic was passing by.
As she was urinating, a Leesburg police officer who was on the scene walked away.
When Bryant was finished, she pulled up her pants, at which time she was placed in handcuffs.
On the way to the Lake County Jail, Bryant began to repeatedly ask for her Juul (a vaping device) that the deputy had confiscated from her, but the deputy refused. She stated that she needed it for anxiety.
Bryant then asked the deputy if he was married and had children.
When the deputy answered, Bryant stated, “I am not trying to f**k that up. I will suck your d**k [if you give me back my Juul.]”
Bryant was charged with Disorderly Conduct/Public Intoxication and Attempting to Bribe a Public Servant, which is a felony.
Maybe she suffers from down syndrome.
WTF? of the Month
Man develops penile pain after unnatural act with donkey
For many people, bestiality is a bad joke, but for some, it could be a matter of life or death, this is the situation with a 30-year-old man from Trans Nzoia County after he allegedly had an unnatural act with a donkey.
The man reportedly developed severe pain on his private parts, prompting him to seek medication at the nearby Matanda health centre before being referred to Moi Teaching and Referral Hospital Eldoret where he is currently admitted.
The man who works as a loader in Kiminini Township developed a penile complication after he allegedly had sex with the animal.
According to witnesses, the donkey was sick and its owners had gone to look for a vet to treat it when the man bounced on the animal.
A boy who had caught the man on the act alerted the donkey’s owner who with the help of others confronted the suspect.
He confessed to the offence, but defended his action and instead blamed Covid-19 for his sex thirst.
The suspect said since March, he has been on long dry spell due to the coronavirus pandemic which has made it risky to have it with a woman.
“I decided to do it with the animal because I feared contracting coronavirus by sleeping with a woman,” the suspect said.
In Kiminini Township, ass f*cks you.
