Congress couldn’t even deliver coronavirus relief to the American people without tacking it to billions in WTF? spending, which is the perfect WTF? cap to the most WTF? year in the modern era. Here’s some other WTFers determined to send 2020 out on a WTF? note:
Headline of the Week
A 72-year-old retiree believed to be Australia’s oldest sperm donor has fathered up to 50 children, all of whom he call his sons and daughters.
John Lindsay Mayger began donating in 1978 after his wife suffered two miscarriages, though they later had four children, some of whom have their own families.
‘I was traumatised by the two miscarriages and I could start to understand how people who couldn’t have children would feel,’ he said.
He has no idea how many children he fathered from the donations to IVF clinics in 1978 and 1979, but guesses it was about two dozen.
When his marriage ended in 2003, at the age of 53, he tried donating again, but was dismayed when clinics told him he had too many children already and was too old.
Most clinics only accept donors until about 45 years old and only allow a up to 10 families to be created, including the donor’s own family.
‘I thought, “who else might want sperm – lesbians might want sperm”,’ he said.
So he began advertising in gay and lesbian magazines.
‘There is still a shortage of donors and not many prepared to travel to Tamworth (where the women are waiting for him) but because I am retired, I was able to travel around to where I was needed,’ he said.
‘Some people fish, some golf… I masturbate.’
If lesbians wanted sperm, they wouldn’t be lesbians.
Dick Pic of the Week
Police hunt well dressed man who drew penis pictures on pavement by spinning wheels of electric bike
Police in Western Australia are on the hunt for a well dressed cyclist who allegedly drew lewd penis images on the pavement by spinning the wheels of his electric bike.
“At approximately 4.50pm on Monday, November 30, a man has caused damage to the ground on Murray Street in Perth,” Crimestoppers WA said in a media release.
“The man has appeared to spin the wheels of an electric bicycle in order to draw explicit images with the rubber from the tyres. This has resulted in multiple images drawn on to the ground.”
WA Police release CCTV images of the man, described as having olive skin, thin to average build and short black hair.
“He wore a black business jacket, white business shirt, light blue jeans and grey running shoes,” police said.
“If you have any information about the identity of these men or details of this offence please contact Crime Stoppers. You can remain anonymous if you wish and rewards are available once charges are laid.”
It comes after ACT Police last week went on the hunt for a graffiti artist responsible for a wave of “cute” dinosaur images spray-painted across the national capital.
What do you get when you combine a sodomite with a Tyrannosaurus Rex? A mighty-sore-anus.
Spite of the Week
Inmate cuts off his penis after wife refuses conjugal visit
AN inmate at Puerto III Prison in Puerto de Santa Maria, Cadiz, cut off his own penis on Christmas Eve after his wife refused to have a conjugal visit with him.
According to the ‘Your Neglect Can Kill Me’ Association, prison guards found the man in his cell, covered in blood after cutting off his own genitalia.
They immediately alerted the prison healthcare staff who went to the cell and attended to the man, who has psychiatric problems.
The association has highlighted that there are not enough specialised prisons for inmates with psychiatric problems, and that staff in the prisons are not qualified to deal with these inmates.
No stupid, the phrase is “cut off your nose to spite your face.”
Crime of the Week
A man in his 80s kicked cowardly robbers in the testicles after they tried to prise an expensive watch from his wrist.
Niall Whittaker, 27, and Jack Meek, 25, were left empty-handed following the incident at the victim’s home in Wilmslow, Cheshire.
The pair followed the man and his wife to their house after they had been to a café in Hale.
“These offences were as cowardly as they were wicked,” Judge Alan Conrad QC told Whittaker and Meek as they were sent down.
Whittaker and Meek were in a blue BMW, which had been stolen from a house in Chorlton days earlier. It was on false number plates.
Prosecutors said the pair were ‘carrying out reconnaissance’ to select a victim.
After the couple got in their car, Whittaker and Meek followed them to their home in Wilmslow, at around 6pm.
When the man got out of his vehicle, the pair – and a third man – grabbed him.
One thug said: “Your f****** watch. Hit the f*****, get his f****** watch.”
The man was wearing a Michael Kors, watch which they had mistaken for a Rolex.
As they grabbed him, the victim kicked one man in the testicles, prosecutor Carl Hargan said.
His wife told him to ‘give them what they want’, but he continued to fight back – and kicked one of the men twice in the crotch.
The men ran off after the attack, which lasted a few minutes.
Describing the victim, Judge Conrad said: “He is clearly a man to be reckoned with.”
The Meek shall inherit a swollen nut sack.
Fungus of the Week
Megan Barton-Hanson bares all as she gets a mould of her boobs and vagina
MEGAN Barton-Hanson bared all this weekend after having moulds made of her chest and vagina for the sake of some intimate artwork.
The 26-year-old model had a day out in Brighton to visit artist Lydia Reeve, who specialises in making casts of women’s body parts.
Taking to her Instagram story, Megan shared a picture of the artist and explained: “Day out in Brighton having my boobie cast done.”
She panned round the artists studio in one video, showing a range of chests and bums hanging on display on the walls.
Showing off her own breast cast, she told her social media fans: “It’s so cool! My boobs! Look at my little nips.”
Daring to bare all, the former Love Island contestant continued to film as the artist poured moulding solution between her legs for an even more intimate cast.
I’m pretty sure “little nips” is a racial slur and nobody should be this proud of having a moldy vag.
Floaters of the Week
Woman with ‘biggest breasts in Europe’ unveils new super-sized boobs for Christmas
Martina Big from Germany wants her breasts big “like the Titanic” and has also teased the Daily Star about another “extreme transformation” she’s undergoing as she sets her sights on achieving a world record.
A woman who reckons she has the biggest breasts in Europe has given herself an early Christmas present…even bigger boobs.
Barbie-obsessed Martina Big, whose tiny frame is dwarfed by her giant 32T assets, is on a mission to have the biggest boobs in the WORLD and has teased plans for another “extreme transformation”.
This week she announced the “great news” that she had made her breasts even bigger – weeks after undergoing another boob-boosting op.
“I had a really big fill up (breast augmentation) just before Christmas,” said Martina, whose natural cup size was a 32D.
“I like it very much when my breasts get bigger, Biggger and BIGGGGGER and rounder and firmer.”
Donning a festive jumper, Martina unveiled her super-sized boobs and added: “Now they are really huge, but this size is not enough for me.
“I will continue to pump my breasts bigger until they are huge – like the Titanic.”
Martina’s expandable implants are inflated by a doctor using saline solution via a valve under her armpit.
Despite her ginormous boobs bringing her so much joy, she now can’t even put her seat belt on in the car and uses a belt extender.
The Titanic sunk, but those bad boys most certainly float. Also, she must hail from the Blackface Forrest region of Germany.
Blast of the Week
Woman calls police to accuse brother of farting on her toothbrush
Siblings pulling each other’s leg is something that annoys parents the most. But recently a woman decided to involve the police in the matter. An unidentified woman called up the police to accuse her brother of farting on her toothbrush.
Yes, you read that right!
On December 20, an 18-year-old woman from Cleveland in Ohio reported to the police that her brother had farted on her toothbrush.
Now, that’s a gross thing to do to anybody. But is it even a crime? Nope. Surely not a police matter.
In fact, it turned out that her brother was completely innocent.
According to a report in the Highland Heights Police Blotter, the woman was not at home. She had called from a different city in an attempt to irritate her brother.
“A woman, 18, reported at 12:39 p.m. Dec. 20 that her brother had farted on her toothbrush. Officers learned the woman was not at the home and had called from a different in city in an effort to irritate her brother,” the report said.
The police warned her not to call again for frivolous issues like this.
It’s almost a guarantee that her toothbrush is getting farted on now.
Trim of the Week
8yo Boy Suffers Botched Circumcision At Perak Clinic After Genital Skin Was Completely Cut Off
A couple has lodged a police report against a private clinic in Seri Manjung, Perak after their eight-year-old son suffered a botched circumcision.
“My husband and I regret what happened and demand the clinic to be responsible,” said the mother of four children, Rosnah Musa.
According to Harian Metro, Muhammad Adly Hadi Adzrul Effendie was admitted to the Ipoh Hospital on 18 December after suffering from severe swelling in the genitals. His mother said that he was circumcised on 13 December using the ‘clamp’ method at a private clinic.
“After being circumcised at the clinic, my husband and I brought our son home,” she said.
“On the first and second day, we found a change in Muhammad Adly’s genitals, which was shorter in size than the original and the head of the penis looked tilted to the left.”
“Additionally, my son was complaining often about pain, feeling scared and crying every time he wants to urinate.”
“This situation worried me and my husband because it is something abnormal, but we were initially positive. However, we were so unhappy when Muhammad Adly’s genitals started to swell on the third night after the clip was removed in the morning (16 December) at the private clinic.”
Rosnah said the doctor at the clinic gave some medicine to her son, but his genitals only became swollen and started to bleed.
“At that time, my husband and I realized his penis was retracting so without delay, we took him to Seri Manjung Hospital (HSM),” she said.
“Further examination found that his genitals were retracted (buried penis) and the skin of the genitals had been cut off and my son had to be anesthetised to allow the doctor to clean the blood clots in the surgical ward the next day (17 December).”
With an unhealed wound, Muhammad Adly was later transferred to Ipoh Hospital for surgery to patch the skin of his genitals.
Rosnah said that she and her husband were informed by the specialist that if their son recovers, he may still need to undergo surgery in the next three to four years, depending on his condition.
She said that there is a possibility that his penis has been permanently deformed and is, of course, worried about his future when he grows up.
Who the f*ck gets an 8-year-old circumcised?
Dear Def-Con… Weekly Advice Column
Not if you’re giving it – DCN
Is anal training a pandemic trend?
I hope not – DCN
Yes, but mostly for round assholes – DCN
I am a 20-year-old man. My penis, when erect, is only 3.5 inches long. How can I satisfy my partner?
Date midgets – DCN
What Helps Feminine Itching and Burning?
Feminine scratching and dousing – DCN
Why Do My Sex Dreams Always End Right Before the Good Stuff?
Sleepus interruptus – DCN
Anything you want, within reason – DCN
$2000 a gallon – DCN
No, Breast Pisces – DCN
Is that what that is? I thought I was going crazy – DCN
Is it normal to need to pee all the time?
When you drink as much beer as I do it is – DCN
Grab of the Week
Jefferson County man sentenced to prison for assaulting blind woman at Fenton bar
Shane Allison, 43, of unincorporated Fenton has been sentenced to three years in prison for assaulting a blind woman last year in a Fenton bar, court records show.
Allison, who previously lived in Arnold, pleaded guilty to third-degree assault on Dec. 23 in St. Louis County Court, and Div. 19 Circuit Judge Thomas C. Albus handed down the sentence, court documents show.
After the Oct. 5, 2019, incident, Allison initially was charged with first-degree sexual abuse, a class C felony punishable by three to 10 years in prison, but the charge was reduced. The third-degree assault charge is a class E felony that carries a maximum penalty of four years in prison.
In his plea, Allison admitted he “knowingly caused physical injury” to the victim “by squeezing her.”
Allison didn’t know the victim, who was sitting at the bar in 026 Bar and Grill, 515 Gravois Road, in Fenton when he approached her. While the two were talking, he allegedly grabbed her hand and touched her leg. The woman told Allison several times to stop touching her, but he did not stop and eventually grabbed her genitals “so hard that she could not remove his hand.” In addition, he reportedly caused the woman pain, the probable-cause statement in the case said.
Other people at the bar reportedly saw the abuse and told Allison to leave. After a struggle, he ultimately was forced out of the bar, the report said.
Police were called to the bar at about 10 p.m. and found Allison’s wallet, which he had left behind. When officers went to his home on Rocky Drive to arrest Allison later that night, he appeared “highly intoxicated” and said he didn’t remember what happened at the bar, according to the report.
Blind drunk leading the blind.
Choke of the Week
Pensacola man charged with animal cruelty, accused of strangling neighbor’s cat
A Pensacola man was arrested last week after authorities said he strangled his neighbor’s cat, causing it to become unresponsive, have difficulty breathing and defecate on itself.
James Arthur Martin Jr., 41, was arrested Dec. 18 on one count of a third-degree felony for animal cruelty. His bond was set at $2,500 and he remained in custody at the Escambia County Jail as of Thursday, according to county records.
Martin was walking his dog Dec. 18 along Fairfield Drive when a woman came out of her home and saw him strangling her cat and trying to get his dog to bite the cat, according to Martin’s arrest report.
The woman told authorities she yelled phrases like “You are killing my cat” and “Drop my cat.”
Martin allegedly threw the cat into the bushes and told the woman that the cat had scratched him. He said he was going to get a shovel to bury the cat, according to the report.
Martin provided multiple accounts of what happened to an Escambia County Sheriff’s Office deputy, telling the deputy initially that the cat first attacked his dog and later saying the cat first attacked him. He also provided an account in which he said his dog first went after the cat, according to the report. At one point, Martin told the deputy he was trying to get to the cat before his dog to save it.
Martin said he often has “blackout stages” and must have blacked out during the incident and doesn’t remember it, according to the report.
Martin had scratches on his right arm, hands and chin following the interaction.
By the end of the investigation, the cat had become more responsive and the owner took it to the veterinarian.
He looks more like a chicken choker to me.
Chop of the Week
Volusia woman says she shot boyfriend who was wielding tomahawk, deputies say
A Daytona Beach woman said she shot her boyfriend after he raised a tomahawk over her while she was lying in bed on Christmas Eve, according to authorities.
Volusia County deputies were called to a home on San Jose Boulevard around 11:45 p.m. Thursday.
nvestigators said the woman told them she grabbed a gun that was next to her bed when she thought her 60-year-old boyfriend was about to hit her with the tomahawk that he held over his head.
The woman said she shot the man in self-defense and that she was in fear. As of now, the woman is not being charged with a crime as deputies continue to investigate.
Authorities said they found the gun, a shell casing and a tomahawk at the scene.
Elizabeth Warren can attest to the fact that cultural appropriation never works out.
Rest Stop of the Week
Drive-thru Santa’s grotto “shambolic disappointment” as kids ‘forced to urinate by cars’
Parents are demanding refunds after queuing for hours to get into a drive-through Santa’s grotto – which had grotty attractions and creepy characters that were “more like Halloween”.
Visitors to the event at Taverham Hall near Norwich were promised “huge amounts of festive magic” with 700 lighting effects and 3km of fairy lights.
But some parents have branded it a “shambolic disappointment” after it failed to live up to expectations and left some children in tears.
Kids were handed cheap cookies and driven through an unlit scaffolding tunnel – a far cry from the advertised “most magical drive-thru event in the country”.
Some children were forced to urinate outside their cars after waiting to long to get into the ‘Drive-Thru Santa’s Grotto’, it is claimed.
Mum-of-one, Louise Purdy, 39, paid £62 for a 6pm slot on Friday [December 18] and queued with her family for almost two hours before they got into the grotto.
Louise, who had gone with her nephews, aged five and two, and her son, aged three, said: “The whole experience was like going to a restaurant, paying for a steak and getting a meatball.
Laura Jayne Calver wrote: “Absolutely horrendous. Poor organisation. Queue was so bloody long that the kids were fed up.
“My 3 year old needed a wee so had to go outside. Some lights weren’t even switched on. Actors tried their best but clearly didn’t want to engage in any conversation.
Once the pandemic s over, kids can go back to pissing on Santa’s lap.
Pirate of the Week
East Bay homeowner surprises alleged package thieves with feces as decoy
An Alamo man was so fed up with porch pirates, stealing packages and Christmas gifts, he decided to take matters into his own hands and devised the ultimate payback which was caught on camera.
“It was wonderful. That probably bought me the most Christmas cheer I’ve had in weeks,” says the man who does not want to be identified. He requested we refer to him as “Buddy.”
For three weeks, “Buddy” says he and his neighbors were targeted by package thieves. So, he hatched a devious plan and made this decoy package. All with the help of his late 95-pound Doberman, Diesel.
“Try to think of the worst thing you could open up; came up with dog poop!” Buddy laughs.
Every night for two weeks, Buddy put the decoy in his mailbox, complete with fake label reading “cannabis extract” and fake mailing address. And one week before Christmas Day?
Buddy describes what happened.
“You can see them opening up the bag, dumping it to their hand and kind of wondering what they thought was in the bag didn’t quite smell right.”
The man in the driver’s seat even appears to sniff his fingers and at one point turns on the light to see what’s inside. He eventually tosses the bag out the window.
Buddy’s method, seems to be effective.
When asked by ABC7 News anchor Dion Lim if the gentlemen in the video came back to their house or neighborhood? Buddy shakes his head no.
He has these words for any other porch pirates in the area.
“Bring it on! We’ve got many dogs we’ve got lots of poop!”
The stuff from a Doberman’s booty is much different than the booty pirates have come to expect.
Lap Dog of the Week
Wausau man charged with having sexual contact with dog
An 18-year-old man faces two felony charges after police say they found videos of him and a dog on his phone during a theft investigation.
John L. Schultz of Wausau appeared Monday in Marathon County Circuit Court, where he faces charges of engaging in sexual contact with an animal and photographing sexual contact with an animal. Judge LaMont Jacobson set a $5,000 signature bond, as part of which Schultz may not have or care for any animals or live where animals are present. Jacobson also ordered Schultz not to have any recording devices.
According to the criminal complaint, a deputy was investigating a theft when he seized Schultz’s phone. When officers checked the phone, they found photos and videos of someone performing sexual acts with a German shepherd, the complaint stated.
When deputies arrested Schultz at his mother’s Wausau home, they saw a black German shepherd that matched the dog seen in the videos. Schultz’s bedroom also was the same color and had the same lamp as seen in the pictures and video, according to the complaint.
Schultz told officers he had searched for the word “bestiality” online when deputies asked him about searches found on his phone, according to the complaint. When deputies asked him about his dog, Schultz asked for an attorney.
I don’t think that’s a dude.
Opposite Day of the Week
A sub-inspector and a constable of Sitakunda Model Police Station were arrested on charges of robbing a driver of Tk 2.8 lakh on Thursday night.
SI Saiful Alam and constable Md Saiful Islam were suspended and a two-member probe committee was formed to investigate the charges after Abu Jafar, the driver, filed a case against them and three police informants on Thursday.
Police said Jafar, 45, went to Sitakunda from Gazipur with the money to buy a pickup on December 20.
But he failed to buy the vehicle and was waiting at the bus station in Sitakunda in the evening for a bus to Gazipur when three police informants confronted him, saying that he was a yaba peddler, according to the case statement.
A little later, the two accused policemen appeared on the scene and introduced themselves as detectives. They then picked up Jafar, saying he had yaba pills in his rectum, police and locals told reporters.
The policemen did an X-ray of Jafar and found nothing, but they took away Tk 2.8 lakh from his possession and boarded him on a bus to Dhaka.
They also threatened him not to tell anyone about what had happened.
He should have put the money up his butt.
WTF? of the Week
Elephant Poo Explodes In Vet’s Face As He Helps Solve Animal’s Constipation
While you might think it’s the ideal job for anyone who loves hanging out with cuddly animals, being a vet isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. If you’re still unsure, though, take a look at what happened to Dr Tom when he was sent to treat constipated elephant Lana at the Elephant Nature Park in Chiang Mai, northern Thailand – and ended up covered in excrement.
The sizeable mammal was suffering with a severe case of blockage, which can be fatal if left untreated.
So Dr Tom came to the rescue, but after removing a huge portion of poo trapped in her anus, the floodgates opened and the caring vet was hit square in the face by a yellowish deluge.
And you thought your job was shitty.
