In the first days of his WTF? presidency, Joe Biden’s executive actions decriminalized illegal immigration and criminalized American energy independence. Here’s some other WTF? action that is more entertaining and less destructive to our country. Also, the Great Penis Purge of 2021 is over. The wangs are back, baby!
Headline of the Week
The daughter of a feared standover man who once admitted to taking a set of pliers to a man’s testicles has been charged with his murder.
Michael John Carroll, 51, was found with two stab wounds at the front of a friend’s house on Ronald Street at Tenambit, in New South Wales’ Hunter region, at 7.30pm on Saturday.
Paramedics attempted to treat Carroll at the scene but he could not be revived and died on the spot.
His daughter Maddison Hickson, 23, was arrested by police and charged with his murder on Sunday morning.
Carroll was a feared standover man who was known for torturing drug dealers and other criminals.
He faced court following a series of home invasions in 2014.
Police alleged he wielded a tomahawk and meat cleaver and demanded the dealers hand over their drugs.
Several victims had ears cut off, broken bones and burned body parts.
Carroll admitted bashing a man with a baseball bat and then using a set of pliers on his fingers, toes and testicles.
He pleaded guilty to one count of assault occasioning actual bodily harm.
Nice hickey.
Mummy Dick of the Week
Egyptian chef arrested after making cupcakes with penis decorations
Egyptian security forces have arrested a pastry chef who supplied cupcakes with penis decorations for a private birthday party at a sporting club in a wealthy Cairo neighbourhood.
In the latest example of the Egyptian state’s attempts to control public morality, which tend to target women, the female chef was arrested at her home after party attenders shared photos of the cupcakes with members of the Gezira club and on social media.
State media reported that security forces identified the baker after taking statements from eyewitnesses.
The case attracted the attention of the minister for youth and sports, Dr Ashraf Sobhy, who oversees clubs such as Gezira. Sobhy said his department would form a committee to investigate the incident and punish alleged perpetrators.
Al Masry Al Youm newspaper reported that the pastry chef was in tears when she arrived at a prosecution office in Cairo. According to the paper, she told interrogators that patrons of the club “came to my shop and handed me pictures of genitals, and asked me for cakes in these forms”.
Who eats a cupcake, or a dick, with a fork and knife?
Drama Queen of the Week
Drama in court as oversize penis claim rocks assault case
A woman who scalded her estranged ‘husband’ with acid after he caught her in bed with another man denied the assault charge claiming they had already separated.
However, Njeri told senior principal magistrate Angelo Kithinji that the complainant was not her husband as she had left him because she could not stand him and his ‘oversize’ manhood.
She told the court that she had warned Nyabere not to visit her house again because his manhood ‘is too big for any woman’.
“I have repeatedly told him that I don’t want him because I can’t stand him but he keeps coming back and I have reported him to the police for it,” she said.
The complainant reportedly arrived at her house at around 10pm on the fateful day only to find her with another man but she allegedly declined to open the door despite her persistent knocking.
Nyambere is said to have then opened a window only for her to splash a corrosive substance on his face leaving his face disfigured.
I guess you really can have too much of a good thing.
Deuce of the Week
Wiltshire referral centre treats world-first dual penis dog successfully
Eastcott Veterinary Referrals in Wiltshire reports that it has successfully treated the first reported case of a dog with complete, unilateral urinary tract duplication.
The case was seen by Tim Charlesworth, head of surgery, who shared details of the case.
The dog was a seven-month-old Jack Russell Terrier which had been referred suffering from urinary incontinence and preputial pruritus.
Tim said: “We believe this is the first reported case of complete unilateral duplication of the urinary tract in a dog presenting with incontinence.
“The dog concerned was born with a duplex or ‘double’ left kidney. Each section of the left kidney drained urine via separate ureters into the prostate gland.
“Its urinary bladder was also divided into separate left and right compartments, each of which then drained through separate urethras that coursed through separate penises.
“The two penises were both stuck within a prepuce designed for one which, was causing the dog’s pruritus or ‘itching’ of the penis. The incontinence was caused by the left ectopic ureters.”
Tim was faced with the challenge of devising a surgical strategy that would resolve the dog’s clinical signs. He said: “The left kidney was severely dilated and was deemed to be non-functional and so the dog underwent surgery for the removal of the affected left kidney and ureters; the two halves of the bladder were united by ablation of the septum between these two cavities; the left urethra was transected and the left penis amputated to allow the right penis to have room to fully fit within the prepuce.”
The only thing this dog needs is a couple of bitches.
First AIDS of the Week
Thug threatened to cut off man’s penis and stab security guard ‘with AIDS’ syringe
A thug threatened to cut off a man’s penis after hitting him with a hammer and slashing his thigh with a knife.
Violent Kieran Hogan, 23, launched a brutal attack on his victim who he punched and kicked before striking him with a makeshift weapon in August 2019.
The terrified victim managed to escape the attack by climbing through a window at a house in Hanley, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffs.
In a separate incident, face-tattooed Hogan warned a Sainsbury’s security guard that he would stab him with a syringe after telling him he had AIDS – saying “you will have AIDS too”.
Prosecutor Anthony Longworth said: “There was an argument between the defendant and the other man. The defendant lost his temper and began to attack him, striking him several times to the chin.
“The other man attempted to flee from the house. He was unable to do so because the door was locked.
“The assault continued with a number of kicks from the defendant to the man’s chin.
“Hogan struck the man across the head with a wooden handled hammer which he picked up at the property.
“The man recollects being struck twice with the hammer, to his left temple and the back of his head. He was also kicked to the face.
“Not satisfied with that, the defendant obtained a knife and held it to the man’s neck and chin area, and the area of his genitals, threatening to cut the man’s penis off.
“He stabbed the knife into the man’s thigh causing a very slight wound.
“The man was begging for the assault to stop. He was simply laughed at. Hogan continued with the assault, strangling him to the extent he felt he was losing consciousness.”
And on February 12, 2020 he entered Sainsbury’s, Stoke, and stole a bottle of whisky. He was challenged by security staff and became aggressive.
Mr Longworth said: “He took out a syringe. He removed the cap and said, ‘I have got AIDS, if you do not let me go, I will stab you with it and you will have AIDS too’.”
He may be confusing acne with AIDS.
Hot Pussy of the Week
A VAGINA-scented candle by Gwyneth Paltrow exploded into flames causing an “inferno” in a woman’s living room.
Jody Thompson, 50, won the risque product sold by the Hollywood star and wellness guru in an online quiz.
The candle is described on Gwyneth’s Goop site as “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected”.
But Jody was taken by surprise after lighting it when a 50cm flame leapt from the candle and out of the glass jar.
The media consultant told The Sun: “The candle exploded and emitted huge flames, with bits flying everywhere.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. The whole thing was ablaze and it was too hot to touch. There was an inferno in the room.”
Jody who lives with partner David Snow in Kilburn, North London, said: “We eventually got it under control and threw it out the front door.
“It could have burned the place down. It was scary at the time, but funny looking back that Gwyneth’s vagina candle exploded in my living room.”
You mean there’s a downside to burning a candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s coochie?
Haunted Hooters of the Week
Terrified mum captures photo of ‘sex pest ghost’ she thinks is branding her boobs
A terrified woman believes she caught a wicked ghost on camera after it savagely branded her boobs.
Naz Faruk was horrified when she woke to find her chest was covered in mysterious burn-like marks.
Even doctors were left unable to work out what caused the strange scars.
But Naz says she knew it was the work of a spook who had been taunting her since she moved in.
Naz, 34, said: “I saw these marks all over me.
“My chest was covered in angry red welts that looked just like burn marks.
“I felt violated. I went to my doctor and even he was stumped. They did tests but couldn’t figure the cause.”
Naz moved into her flat last March and said strange things started happening. At first she thought it was the spirit of her ex-fiancé, who died in a motorbike crash in 2013.
But it soon became clear it was not a friendly ghost.
Naz says she heard voices calling out her name at night, plates flying off shelves and doors slamming.
In November, she woke up to see the figure of an old woman in her bedroom.
She said: “She was gone in a second, but it was terrifying. She was looking at me, laughing. It was the shock of my life. I just felt frozen. I didn’t know what to do.”
Spooked Naz decided to rig up a motion-detecting camera in her lounge. She said: “I was woken at 3am by a notification on my phone saying there had been activity on the camera.
“There were orbs floating around and I could make out a figure stood behind it.”
Naz, from Maidenhead, Kent, said: “I’ve bought a ghost detector machine and I sprinkle salt in a circle to ward off demons.
Judging by the marks on her boobs I’d say her ghost detector machine a pipe loaded with meth.
Juggler of the Week
Partygoer cleared of sexual assault for grabbing woman who touched his ‘man boobs’
A man accused of sexual assaulting a woman has been cleared of the charges after the court heard she’d touched his man boobs first.
Steven Dickson attended a party in July 2019 and was accused of grabbing a woman’s breast…
The partygoer was being wound up by one of his friends, who told the woman – who cannot be named for legal reasons – about Dickson: “Double Ds, give them a squeeze.”
The court then heard she had reached out to “tweak” his nipple, which led to Dickson, 26, responding by touching the woman’s breast.
Dickson was then reported to the police for sexual assault.
He was cleared yesterday by a sheriff who branded the incident “a drunken escapade”.
The 25-year-old woman told the trial she entered the kitchen of the property in Barrhead, Renfrewshire, and heard Dickson chatting to his friend Cal Baxter, 29,
She said the conversation at the party in July 2019 turned to “moobs” and “boobs”.
The woman added: “I think Cal touched him and they were having a laugh about it.
“Cal said to me, ‘Why don’t you touch Steven?’
“I was so uncomfortable. He joked and egged me on.”
She claimed she touched him with the back of her hand while holding two glasses due to “peer pressure”.
Dickson then “groped” her chest for about three seconds, she said, at which point she “felt disgusted” and left the room to find her boyfriend.
It’s a good thing she didn’t finger his mangina.
Quarter Pounder of the Week
Man dies after wife pounds his genitals with brick
Mpika man dies after wife crushes his genitals with brick
A MAN of Mpika has died after his wife allegedly hit his gentals with a brick during a violent marital dispute.
Police spokesperson Esther Katongo said in an interview yesterday that 37-year-old Julius Mwila, of Chitulika village was allegedly murdered by Salome Mwila 25 on Friday night, reports
Katongo said the couple had a marital dispute and a quarrel degenerated into a fight and the eventual death of Mr Mwila.
“The wife allegedly hit het husband with a half-burnt brick on the genitals, causing him to sustain general body pains. Mr Mwila later died in his house,” said Katongo.
She’s a bricklayer and prick slayer.
Asshole of the Week
Fayetteville man arrested after shooting at house, received gunshot wound to buttocks
A man who was shooting at a house in Fayetteville was found with a gunshot wound to his buttocks during an incident on Saturday, January 16.
According to Fayetteville Police, residents of the house said Jarren Brown, 20, showed up with three or four other men who shot at the house.
The residents said Brown tried to come in the house an hour before the shooting and when he was not allowed in, he sent them a picture of a gun threatening to kill them, according to police.
Brown came back an hour lated and started shooting. One victim said she felt Brown was shooting towards her to kill her, according to police.
As Brown was shooting at the house, a man inside picked up an AR-15 and returned fire in self-defense.
Brown was arrested and is facing charges of a terroristic act, engaging in violent criminal group activity, and aggravated assault.
As he’s headed to prison, it’s a good thing he’s already used to taking it in the ass.
Twister of the Week
Florida man armed with Twisted Tea & metal pipe threatens former employer
The Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office is making things clear: When you threaten your former employer with a deadly weapon, you get arrested.
Shane Gillis is accused of threatening to injure his ex-employer. When deputies arrived to detain Gillis, they overheard him tell the victim that he “had something” for them and was on his way.
Gillis was holding a Twisted Tea can in his right hand, which is considered a deadly weapon on the streets. He kept his left hand behind his back as he walked towards the victim.
When deputies stopped Gillis, he told them that he had a metal pipe tucked into the back of his jeans.
As Gillis was being handcuffed, he continued to threaten the victim. He was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.
When they outlaw Twisted Tea only outlaws will have Twisted Tea.
Beak of the Week
Woman puts up increased £1,500 reward for safe return of pet crow Eddie who was stolen by burglars
A heartbroken animal lover has increased the reward to anyone who can help ensure the safe return of her pet crow and the conviction of those responsible for stealing him during a raid on her home.
Eddie the crow was taken when burglars raided Michelle Johnson’s home in Stoney Stanton, near Hinckley, earlier this month.
The intruders took cash, jewellery and power tools, but the loss of Eddie has been the worst part of the experience for Michelle.
Initially, she offered a reward of £1,000 for information which brings him home and helps police identify the raiders and put them before the courts.
She said: “The longer he is not with me the more I worry about his health and well-being. I miss him so much as he used to sit on my shoulder while we watched TV at night.
“I am offering this reward because I really want Eddie home safe and sound as soon as possible.”
Eddie was hand-reared and nurtured back to health after he was found lying injured in a school playground when he was a tiny chick.
Michelle took him in and, almost a year on, it has become a much-loved – if unusual – family pet.
She seems fun.
Porno of the Week
Man wakes up to woman holding a bag of pepperoni and drinking coca-cola in his house
On Sunday, January 17, 2021, at approximately 8:20 a.m., police responded to Massengale Drive about a burglary.
Mobile Police Department says a man woke up and noticed an unknown female subject standing in his bedroom drinking Coca-cola and holding a bag of pepperoni that came out of his refrigerator.
The woman told the man she was cold and hungry. The man told police he had to physically force her out of his home.
Officers located the woman at the Berean Baptist Church, 3709 Alba Club Road. Jacqualyn Brannon, 40, was arrested. She is charged with second-degree burglary.
When he said he wanted to do some coke and have her hold his sausage, that’s not what he meant.
WTF? of the Week
Horrified witnesses allege the gruesome scene unfolded as Dmitry Ponomarenko, 30, emerged from his flat “covered in blood and wrapped in guts” while “holding a severed head”.
The naked psychopath calmly sat down on a bench and lit a cigarette, alleged one neighbour, before beginning a rampage around the streets, hitting parked cars with his dad’s severed head.
Cops are investigating the macabre crime after Ponomarenko was found carrying the head of his dad, Igor Ponomarenko, in Odessa, southern Ukraine yesterday.
The maniac was spotted by shocked neighbours leaving his city flat “wrapped in guts”.
“A naked and bloodied man, wrapped in guts and holding the head of a man came out of the front, sat on a bench and lit a cigarette,” a resident of the apartment block told local media.
Alarmed witnesses called cops, who raced to the scene and detained Ponomarenko, who had begun wandering around and hitting parked cars with the head, according to onlookers.
According to the Dumskaya police, the alleged killer met officers while holding his dad’s head in his hands and declared that “he is a god who is not worshipped”, reported local media.
As cops stormed the apartment block, they found two male bodies in the man’s flat.
The decapitated corpse of 53-year-old Igor Ponomarenko was lying on the bed.
Another body, belonging to the family’s friend Aleksandr Demchenko, 32, was found in the kitchen sliced open and gutted.
When asked why he killed the victims, it is alleged by witnesses Ponomarenko said “because he had to”.
Law enforcement opened a criminal case for double murder against Ponomarenko, who was placed into custody.
He faces up to 15 years in prison if found guilty.
It takes a lot of guts to pull something like that off.
