While it’s great that the COIVID-19 pandemic is effectively over, many people heading back to work are going to sorely miss day drinking. Here’s a special alcohol-themed The Week in WTF? to help draw attention to the new pandemic facing our nation: sobriety.
Drunk of the Week
Soldier so drunk she tried to order McDonald’s from police officer arresting her
An army lance corporal who drove to McDonald’s while three times over the alcohol limit was so drunk she tried to order food from a police officer sent out to arrest her.
Kayleigh Marie Goodall, 33, was caught driving ‘all over the road’ after boozing with friends in Richmond, North Yorkshire and heading back to her camp in Catterick Garrison for more drinks.
In a drunken haze on May 15, she decided to drive to a McDonald’s less than a mile from her base.
The drive-thru was closed and cordoned off but the corporal still pulled in, York Magistrates Court heard.
When police caught up with her, she attempted to get her fast-food fix from officers, ordering through her car window.
Kathryn Reeve, prosecuting, said: ‘She asked to order food from the police officer before being removed from the car.’
Goodall’s breath test gave a reading of 116 micrograms of alcohol in 100 millilitres of breath – more than three times the legal limit of 35.
The corporal, who has been in the Army at least 10 years, was banned from driving for 27 months after pleading guilty to drink driving.
She was also handed a 12-month community order with 100 hours and must pay £85 prosecution costs and a £95 statutory surcharge.
Goodall now faces a military disciplinary hearing.
In her defense, British cops kind of look like they work at a fast food restaurant.
Beer Pong of the Week
Beersheba man cuts off penis, flushes it down toilet
A Beersheba man arrived at Soroka Medical Center in Beersheba on Thursday after reportedly cutting off his own penis and flushing it down the toilet.
The patient told Magen David Adom paramedics that he had been suffering from untreated chronic pain “in the area.”
After injuring himself, the man was found by his mother when she came to visit him. His mental state was under assessment.
Meanwhile, the Israel Police reached out to Mey Sheva, Beersheba’s water and sewage management company on behalf of Magen David Adom, which wanted to locate the cut-off organ so it could be reattached.
Mey Sheva responded that it was not able to comply with the request.
Worst home remedy ever.
Tequila Sunrise of the Week
Scots dog owner horrified after pet bulldog suffers sunburn on TESTICLES
TikTok user Stephanie Wightman had lathered her pet in sun lotion before allowing it outside on Monday due to the extreme heat.
The bulldog had only spent a short while basking in the glorious sunshine outdoors, since they tend to become exhausted quickly in warm weather.
But diligent Stephanie was soon horrified to discover she had forgotten to protect her pooch’s private parts from the sun.
The horrified pet owner joked her bulldog’s testicles were like “tomatoes” after they had been burned as she gave followers a glimpse on social media.
“We’ve got an American Bulldog, and it’s very common they get heat exhaustion very easy, so we cover him in sun lotion.
“We don’t keep him out in the sun for any extended time, make sure he’s got plenty of fluids, keep him in the shade.
“There’s a part of the body we forgot. Wait till you see it.
Showing viewers the dog, she said: “There’s only so much I can pussyfoot about this.
“There they are there. We forgot to put sun cream on the dog’s balls. They’re like a pair of tomatoes.
“I love him, but I’m not willing to pour some after sun and rub it into my dog’s balls. He wasn’t even out in the sun that long.”
Tomato, tomahto, let’s call the whole thing off.
Bar Hop of the Week
Bar worker ‘sliced off her boss’ PENIS with a knife as he tried to rape her’
A BAR worker allegedly sliced off her boss’ penis with a knife as he tried to rape her.
The waitress told Spanish police she was trying to resist a sex attack in a venue just outside of Barcelona.
The unnamed woman, a Bangladeshi national said to be aged around 35, “handed herself in” to admit the alleged assault.
Her manager was rushed to hospital for an emergency operation so medics could attempt to reattach his penis.
It was not immediately clear this morning if the surgery had been a success.
“The man is the owner of the bar and the woman was working in that bar.”
Well-placed police sources said the woman had told them she had been harassed for months and had been forced by her boss to have sex on several occasions before she assaulted him with a knife during a new alleged rape attempt.
The source added: “The woman went to police herself to explain what had happened.
“She said she had cut off her boss’ penis as he tried to sexually assault her.
“Her claims are being investigated and the bar owner may be arrested once the hospital say he is well enough to be questioned.”
All those months of cutting limes paid off.
Double of the Week
North Shields drunk urinated in street then flashed genitals while kissing woman
A drunk urinated in the middle of the street before flashing his genitals while kissing a woman.
Paul Luke, who had downed two litres of vodka, was seen relieving himself outside Central Station, in Newcastle, before then getting amorous with a female.
A court was told that, at a busy time of day in the city centre, the 36-year-old then exposed his penis in front of shocked passers-by.
The police were called and Luke was found nearby – leaning against a taxi and still kissing the same woman.
However, rather than be apologetic, the drunk lout immediately became abusive, repeatedly calling officers “c***s” and telling them to “f**k off”.
The vodka version of whiskey dick.
Cocktail Weiner of the Week
Woman ‘bit taxi driver’s penis as he raped her after being split up from friend’
A rape victim bit a taxi driver’s penis as he forced himself on her in his cab, a court has heard.
Malcolm Hancock, 55, is accused of raping the woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, after driving her home from a night out in South Shields, south Tyneside, in June 2019.
Jurors heard the woman had been drinking at home and in bars and got into Hancock’s cab after becoming separated from her friend.
In a recorded police interview played in Newcastle Crown Court, the woman said: ‘I don’t even think I bit hard.
‘I was thinking “should I bite it”, I went to bite it. If I did bite it I didn’t bite hard.’
She said her memory of the incident was hazy but added: ‘I just know what happened shouldn’t have happened.’
Hancock, from East Boldon, denies rape and claims it was the woman who was ‘sexually aggressive towards him’.
Paul Abrahams, prosecuting, told the court: ‘In essence, the Crown say the defendant, who was working as a taxi driver, forced himself upon the complainant after he had given her a fare home and orally raped her in his taxi.’
Mr Abrahams said Hancock asked if he could enter the woman’s home when they pulled up but she said no, after which he proceeded to rape her.
Mr Abrahams added: ‘Confused by what was going on, it took a moment for her to respond. She believed she bit his penis, although not hard, just under the tip.’
Remember to tip your driver.
Penis Colada of the Week
Red-faced residents are up in arms over plans to erect a new housing estate which feature driveways which look like genitals.
Locals couldn’t believe their eyes when plans were given the go-ahead for the phallic-shaped housing development in Loughborough, Leicestershire.
The 3,200-home site includes several cul-de-sacs which form an uncanny resemblance to male genitalia.
Housing giant Persimmon insist the unfortunately shaped road layout will ‘provide sufficient turning space for larger vehicles’.
But people living nearby fear the area will become a ‘national laughing stock’ once the sprawling estate is built next year.
Father-of-one Gary Moore, 40, a car salesman from Loughborough, stormed: ‘We’re being made a joke of here.
‘Nobody wants a w****-shaped housing estate on their doorsteps. They are massive as well, you could probably see them from space.
‘I worry it will impact house prices around here now and that we’ll be made a national laughing stock.’
Taxi driver Niall McCarthy, 31, added: ‘I can’t believe nobody involved in planning this has spotted the gigantic phallic-shaped cul-de-sacs in their plans.
‘It’s outrageous really and I think some immature planners are just having a jolly good laugh at our expense.’
Where Dick Dr. intersects with Balls Blvd.
Shirley Temple of the Week
Model with XGG boobs wants vaginal plastic surgery to ‘feel like a virgin again’
A curvy model has explained that she wants to get plastic surgery on her vagina to make her a “virgin” again.
Cris Galera, from Brazil, has found success on the site Close Friends – an adult content webpage.
And, the brunette beauty wants to hold the title of the “first virgin on the platform”.
The 33-year-old thinks that having a vaginoplasty will help her to gain more fans and sell more racy snaps.
She has already spent more than $100,000 on cosmetic surgery to get her desired figure.
But the busty model now hopes her latest surgical venture will make her some major money.
Cris said: “I’m looking for intimate surgery because I want to be the first virgin on the platform.
The Brazilian said that she is not afraid to do the procedure and is looking for a partnership to do it as soon as possible.
She added: “It’s an idea that I’m sure will help me make more money with the platform.”
Cris has previously claimed that one day she hopes to have the “biggest Instagram breasts” – and she’s already reached a size XGG.
Cris laughed: “Men want to have a big penis to give them more pleasure. I thought the same for my breasts.”
Is that a dude?
XXX Jugs of the Week
OnlyFans model-turned-politician promises free boob jobs for all women if elected
An OnlyFans model-turned-politician has stripped naked and promised free boob jobs for all women as part of a racy election campaign.
Busty babe Rocio Pino flaunted her ample assets and vowed to offer “t**s for all [women]” if she wins a seat in Mexico’s parliament later this week.
Her campaign slogans have also included “Give your mum t**s” and “Because a woman with t**s is an empowered woman”.
The heavily-pregnant tattooed beauty, who charges subscribers $114 (£80) a year to access her exclusive content, hopes her raunchy approach will secure a spot in the country’s Chamber of Deputies when voting takes place on June 6.
Pino, who goes by the moniker La Grosera – meaning “The Rude One”, first gained fame through her OnlyFans page, which now has attracted 59,300 likes.
She is the candidate for the centre-left Progressive Social Networks party, which was founded as a non-profit organisation in 2019 and launched as a political party last year.
Socialized fake tits is actually better than what progressives want in this country.
Keg Party of the Week
Martina Big, the German-born white glamour model who has gone under the knife several times in the hopes of having the largest in the world has revealed she will ‘pump’ her breasts until they are as ‘big as the Titanic.’
The former air hostess, 32, from Germany, who has also had tanning injections to darken her skin because she ‘identifies as black,’ took to Facebook and explained to her 59,000 followers how a bra, size 70DD (32DD), which she wore before her first augmentation is no longer big enough to cover her nipples.
‘Sometimes I am amazed by my self how much my breasts have grown in the last time,’ said Big, who was a natural 32D bra size but now has 32T breasts after multiple operations to enhance them.
‘But that’s not enough for me! I will pump my breasts even bigger, Biggger and BIGGGGER until they are as big as the Titanic.’
Human train wreck wishes to become human shipwreck.
Mudslide of the Week
Swastikas Found Drawn in Feces on Newton School Bathroom Walls
Two swastikas drawn with feces were found in a high school bathroom in Newton, Massachusetts, while the MCAS test was being administered Thursday.
Police say the anti-Semitic markings were each about three inches tall in a boys’ room at Newton South High School. A student discovered them around noon Thursday.
Custodians removed the hate symbols. Police said that because the MCAS tests were taking place, not many students were in the school at the time.
Shitty Nazis.
Upchuck of the Week
Florida man throws 2-month-old at deputies after high-speed chase
New video shows a deputy holding a baby that had been tossed at him by a father who led deputies on a high-speed chase in Indian River County.
The Indian River County Sheriff’s Office said it all happened around 6:30 p.m. on May 26.
The incident started on State Road 60 in Vero Beach when deputies attempted a traffic stop for failure to maintain the lane. Instead of stopping, 32-year-old John Henry James III drove off.
The sheriff’s office said units tried to pull James over, but he ignored the sirens and kept driving towards Gifford.
During the course of the pursuit, James struck the front end of a detective’s vehicle. He also dodged roadblocks and at least one attempted stop-stick deployment. James’ car then crashed into an unmarked patrol car and deputies attempted to use stop sticks to disable the car as James led deputies into the Taylor Point Apartment Complex.
As he bailed out of his car, James grabbed a 2-month-old boy who had been in the car with him and threw the child in the direction of a deputy who thankfully caught the boy.
Deputies eventually captured James in a parking lot and took him to a local hospital due to cuts to his face and James’ claims that he couldn’t breathe due to his asthma.
Deputies say James continued resisting, even while being placed on the stretcher to be loaded into an ambulance.
“You can’t throw a baby at us and expect us to treat you with kid gloves,” Sheriff Eric Flowers said, following the incident.
Blacks Lives Matter, sometimes.
Frosty Mug of the Week
California prison guards failed to notice man decapitated cellmate in grisly 2019 killing
Damning new reports about California’s prison system noted that it took guards at the California State Prison at Corcoran several hours to notice in 2019 after a convicted killer tortured and decapitated his cellmate.
Not only did they fail to notice the grisly scene, but the guards reported that they’d seen both men alive, the reports say.
Jaime Osuna, 33, was housed in a cell with Luis Romero, who was found decapitated and mutilated when staff members conducted morning security checks around 7:30 a.m. March 9, 2019. According to prosecutors, Osuna also cut an eye, an ear, a finger and part of a lung from Romero’s body.
Osuna was found wearing a necklace made of body parts, a federal lawsuit alleges.
All the injuries were inflicted with a homemade weapon, known as a “shiv,” that was fashioned from a razor blade wrapped in string to form a handle.
Romero, 44, bled to death. Assistant Kings County District Attorney Phil Esbenshade said in 2019 that authorities “do believe that the victim was conscious during at least a portion of the time,”…
Romero’s family filed a lawsuit last spring questioning why he had been housed in a cell with Osuna, a self-proclaimed satanist and convicted murderer with a history of attacking his cellmates.
Just another tragic misunderstanding over the phrase “gimme head.”
Shot of the Week
Florida boy, 10, shot after dad agreed to take him on paintball ‘drive-by’
A 10-year-old Miami boy was shot after his father took him on a faux drive-by shooting with a paintball gun — and a frightened homeowner returned fire with real bullets, according to authorities.
Michael Williams, 26, allegedly gave in to his son’s pleas late Sunday to take him on a paintball “drive-by shooting,” where police said the boy fired off the unlethal rounds into a crowd gathered in the front yard of an Opa-locka home…
But the homeowner, identified as Gregory Barns, thought the gunfire was real and that “he and his family were under attack” — leading him to return fire with a real round, striking the boy, police said.
The youngster, who was not publicly identified, was then run over by his father’s van after being shot and losing his balance, police said.
The boy was hospitalized after the shooting, but was expected to recover as of Monday afternoon…
Neighbors, meanwhile, [said] that they saw the duo driving around with ski masks on.
“The guy riding around with kids in the car with their ski masks and hoodies on, and they were apparently shooting at people,” resident Maurice Adams said.
Williams has been charged with child neglect with great bodily harm for acting “recklessly by agreeing to conduct a drive-by paintball shooting,” according to a police report…
There is no “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug in this guy’s future.
Hair of the Dog of the Week
Stray dogs eat corpses of coronavirus victims in India
HORRIFIC images of feral dogs eating charred human corpses on the banks of the river Bhagirathi in the Indian town of Uttarkashi have been circulating on social media.
The corpses are believed to be those of people who have recently died from Covid-19. India is in the grip of a second wave of the deadly virus, which is sweeping through the country and claiming thousands of lives each day. Hospitals have been overwhelmed with sick patients and crematoriums have struggled to keep up with the number of dead.
Authorities believe families of the deceased may have dumped the corpses in the river, after failing to secure an official cremation for their loved ones.
A local resident told the ANI news agency that he had been painting when he suddenly became aware of stray dogs gnawing and feeding on some half-burnt bodies washed up on the river bank.
He called the scenes that he had witnessed the “death of humanity” and demanded that local authorities do something about it.
I’ve always said that Indian food was so gross even dogs wouldn’t eat it. Guess I was wrong.
Old Fashioned of the Week
An elderly woman’s decomposing body was eaten by her pet cats after she died alone in her apartment
An elderly woman was partially eaten by her pet cats after dying alone in her Madrid apartment, according to The New Zealand Herald.
The body of Clara Inés Tobón, a 79-year-old Colombian national who had lived by herself since 1996, was discovered by Spain’s National Police Corps last week, Metro reported.
A police officer visited the apartment after neighbors said they had not seen Tobón for a month and reported a stench coming from her home, the paper said.
Inside the apartment, the police officer found Tobón’s decomposing body. It had been eaten from the waist up by her pet cats, according to El Mundo. “It was the worst thing I have ever seen since I began working,” the officer told the paper.
It is believed that Tobón had been dead for at least three months, El Mundo reported. Tests are being performed to see whether she died from COVID-19 complications, the paper said.
Five of her cats had died from starvation, El Mundo added. Two were alive but were in very poor condition and were sent to a local animal protection center to be treated, a municipal spokesperson said.
Spanish food is not much better.
Sex on the Beech of the Week
Man named ‘Slime’ paid cash and drugs for sex with 14-year-old girl
He goes by the nickname “Slime,” and Sadiki Spence confessed to paying a pimp cash and drugs to have sex with a 14-year-old girl, police say.
Spence, a 26-year-old tattoo artist from Miami-Dade County, faces charges that include human trafficking, engaging in prostitution, lewd/lascivious battery and sale of oxycodone. He had been on probation already for second-degree attempted murder, investigators said.
Miami Springs police say they were investigating a 17-year-old pimp for trafficking a 14-year-old girl last summer. The girl told authorities she had been sold by the pimp to “Slime” for money and drugs.
After arresting the teenage pimp, investigators found contact information for “Slime” in his phone, and they tracked down Spence on Thursday. He was taken to the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office where he gave a full confession, Miami Springs police said.
What an oddly appropriate nickname.
Long Island Ice Tea of the Week
Long Island Man Kills Dog During Video Call While Threatening Family Member, Police Say
A 23-year-old man found a Chihuahua that had escaped from its Central Islip home on Sunday, May 9, Suffolk County Police said.
After keeping the dog for nearly a month, the man contacted a family member via FaceTime on Tuesday, June 1, and strangled the dog, killing it, while threatening his family member during the video call, according to police.
Suffolk County PD Third Squad detectives investigated and determined the dog’s remains were discarded.
Detectives with the assistance of officers from the Third Precinct Crime Section recovered the remains at a waste transfer facility in Holbrook on Friday, June 4. A necropsy will be performed.
The man, whose name has not been released, was transported to Stony Brook University Hospital for evaluation.
What’s to observe? He strangled a Chihuahua. He’s f*cking crazy.
Rusty Nail of the Week
Woman Wanted After Allegedly Shooting Nail Salon Owner Over Manicure, Pedicure Prices
Authorities in Texas are looking for a woman who allegedly shot a nail salon owner during a dispute over the price of services.
The Harris County Sheriff’s Office said the incident took place on Saturday, May 29 when two women went to Katy Nails for manicures and pedicures. Investigators said both of the women were unhappy with the price of their services and began arguing with the owner, a 42-year-old Asian male.
The suspected shooter, who police said was wearing a pink T-shirt and gray shorts, paid and left the store. But the other woman, who police said was wearing a black T-shirt and black shorts, started to argue again with the salon owner.
According to police, the suspect then re-entered the business and again fought the owner over the cost of the manicures and pedicures. When he attempted to push her from the store, she allegedly pulled out a handgun and shot him, police said.
The store owner, who has not been identified, was transported to Memorial Hermann Texas Medical Center in Houston. Authorities said Tuesday the victim was in critical but stable condition.
Investigators recovered the alleged suspect’s phone at the scene and are now asking for the public’s help in identifying the woman. The Harris County Sheriff’s Office has released what they believe are two still images of the suspect who allegedly fired the shots.
She should probably go back and shoot whoever did her hair and make-up too.
Alcoholics of the Week
Alki Beach cleared out after fights, arrests
After multiple fights and three arrests, Alki Beach was shut down early Saturday night.
Police said an “unusually large crowd” was at the beach as the department was made aware of social media posts about a large gathering that was scheduled for the evening.
What started out as a peaceful and calm day at the beach later became chaotic into the evening, as it was the first time people were able to party during the pandemic.
By 7 p.m., a large group was playing loud music near Marine Avenue Southwest and Alki Avenue Southwest, and between 7:30 p.m. and 8:30 p.m., police said they broke up a fight. All the people involved refused medical attention and declined to answer any questions.
Police said they also took a report about a strong-arm robbery and assisted an 18-year-old who appeared to be “highly intoxicated” and was in and out of consciousness; however, there were no reports of anyone being seriously injured or hurt.
Meanwhile, things were laid back and mellow at Stoner Breach.
