This week Joe Biden flipped out on several reporters for asking fair questions, proving that when he isn’t trapped in the fog of dementia, he’s kind of a dick. Here’s some other dick-related WTF?:
Dick Head(line) of the Week
Unfortunate soul sprouts 2-inch ‘dragon’ horn on tip of his penis
A patient in China redefined being “horny” after his penis sprouted a 2-inch-long, calcified growth, which later turned out to be cancerous.
“Clinical examination showed a conical lesion projecting from the anterior surface of the glans penis,” wrote Xi Zhang and Haoying Shi, of the Second Hospital of Shanxi Medical University’s urology department, about the protuberance in the Asian Journal of Surgery.
Per the graphic study, the unnamed 43-year-old patient reported to the hospital in Taiyuan after developing a “hard” and “yellowish-brown” nodule.
He had previously gotten a “rice-sized” growth removed from the tip of his manhood three years earlier, only to have another spring up in its place three months later like a horned hydra. Over the next three years, the man-antler grew to a whopping 2-inches long and 1-inch across, and extended from his foreskin to past the urethra with several “mass-like protrusions” under the base, per the study.
Horn-ographic images show the penile lesion, which looks brown and conical like a ram’s horn or pumpkin stem.
The doctors diagnosed the man with a cutaneous horn, a mass of keratin — the protein that forms skin, hair and nails — that’s often analogized to a horn due to its tendency to form on one’s head. Penile growths, meanwhile, are exceedingly rare, accounting for only “4.2 to 5.5% of all cutaneous horns,” per the study.
…due to the risk of cancer, doctors quickly removed the penile protrusion by amputating the mass and also extracting around a half-inch of tissue from under its base.
Thankfully, the lucky fellow was deemed cancer-free following the operation, from which he has since fully recovered.
Maybe it’s just me but I think a dick should be able to defend itself.
Moby Dick of the Week
Woman stumbles upon a beached ‘penis’ as big as her ‘leg’
An Australian woman redefined “sex on the beach” after happening across an alleged “whale penis” while beachcombing in Queensland. Footage of the supposed phallic flotsam is racking up millions of views online.
“‘What the f – – k is that?” the aghast woman — who posts under the handle @bootscootinaf — wondered in one of the TikTok clips detailing the “disgusting” purported Moby member, which she found on Magnetic Island.
In a separate clip with more than 3.6 million views, the woman said she had been walking on the beach of the idyllic isle, when all of a sudden, she discovered the mutilated alleged member floating in the “crystal-clear water.” Accompanying footage shows the “massive” pink object, which appears to be sliced in several places and whose fleshy insides are visible at the end where it was seemingly detached from an animal. In another clip, she places her foot alongside the supposed phallus to show how it’s nearly “the size of my leg.”
Needless to say, many social media oceanographers speculated that the jumbo appendage had once belonged to a whale.
“That’s a wales pp,” declared one armchair zoologist, while another wrote, “DON’T TOUCH IT it’s a whale thing.”
She added that it was the best Tinder date she’s ever had.
Dick Wad of the Week
A Texas woman has contracted an incurable STD in a bizarre way, according to reports. The victim, identified only as M.A. in documents, is an employee at a family medical practice on Westmont Drive near the East Freeway in East Houston. Authorities say a janitor in the building infected the woman by inserting his penis into her unattended water bottle on multiple occasions.
Toward the end of August, M.A. began noticing the shared water dispenser at her job “had a funny taste and smell to it,” so after a while, she began bringing her own water bottles. The woman then noticed the container she’d brought from home also had a strange odor, so she tossed it out and bought a new one.
In September, M.A.’s co-worker offered to make coffee at the office. To avoid the mystery smell from the dispenser, the woman gave the co-worker a bottle of water that she’d already had. The co-worker noticed the contents inside M.A.’s water bottle were yellow and asked why.
“I felt disgusted.” She added, “I raised it to my face, smelled it, and it smelled like urine.”
Because they were already at a medical facility, a doctor M.A. worked with conducted a urinalysis on the contents of her water bottle. The physician confirmed that urine was present. After speaking with other employees in the building, some suspected it could be the janitor. One co-worker even admitted to experiencing a similar situation. M.A. purchased a hidden camera and left it in her office with her water bottle in plain sight.
Court documents state that 50-year-old Lucio Catarino Diaz was seen unzipping his pants and inserting his penis into the woman’s water bottle. He then went back to cleaning her office. The following day, M.A. provided police with the footage and the bottle seen in the video. Diaz told officials he did it out of “malicious intent,” but was unsure of how many times he committed the crime. He also claimed he’d done the same thing at his previous job and was unaware that he had any STDs.
M.A. tested positive for herpes. The janitor is now being held at an immigration facility and M.A. plans to file a civil lawsuit against building management for allegedly ignoring her initial concerns.
I can see why Biden wants to flood the country with these people. They really enrich all of our lives.
Dick Killer of the Week
Why Have Black Widow Spiders Disproportionately Bitten Men And Their Penises?
Here’s a weird mystery for you: between 1950 and 1959, data on black widow bites was collected in the US, during which time 63 people died. The majority of those people were male, and in older studies, it was apparently shown that around 80 percent of black widow bites happened to men.
Weirder still, according to environmental analyst Kelsey Padgett on an episode of This American Life, “the majority were on penises”. This, she explained, might account for why there were so many deaths from black widow bites around that time.
“The skin there is less thick, and there are lots of nerves there. And this is a neurotoxin venom,” she said in the interview. “Perhaps being bit on the genitals sends the venom going into your body in a faster or stronger way than, say, if you were bit on a callus on your foot.”
But why do black widow spiders bite so many males on the penis, a part of the anatomy which is famously largely kept in our pants rather than a spider web? Are black widow spiders especially attracted to that area?
Well, no. Black widow spiders do not want to bite you, on the penis or otherwise, and will only do so when they feel threatened. So this disproportionately high number of cases of men being bitten on the penis implies that black widows have been in a lot of situations where they felt threatened, and a penis happens to be in the vicinity. And that’s what Padgett believes was happening.
What’s actually weird is that people have to be told not to f*ck black widows.
Dick Kicker of the Week
Footballer Caught Flashing his Penis in Middle of Match to Distract Opponent
Most football players prefer to protect their genitals when defending a free kick. However, a Columbian top-division defender has taken the opposite approach, whipping out his penis as a means of distracting his opponent. The move has left sports fans in complete shock, with some finding the obvious humour in the ballsy display.
In what can only be described as the ultimate boneheaded play, Independiente Sante Fe defender Geisson Perea flashed his manhood while standing in the wall, while a player from Jaguares de Cordone lined up a free kick. It’s been theorised that Perera used the tactic in an effort to distract the player – and it appeared to work as the Jaguares man pushed his shot wide of the target – and somehow missed Perea’s trouser python.
Soccer keeps finding new ways to suck.
Chick with Dick of the Week
The Cherokee County Board of Education in North Carolina voted last month to forfeit girls volleyball games against a rival school after a transgender athlete reportedly injured a player with a spike.
The board voted 5-1 Sept. 21 for Hiwassee Dam High School to forfeit all girls volleyball matches against Highlands School after a Hiwassee Dam player reportedly suffered head and neck injuries from a spike from the Highlands transgender athlete.
“The county will not participate in any volleyball games, varsity or junior varsity, against Highlands due to safety concerns,” the board said.
David Payne, Hiwassee Dam’s athletic director, supported the decision, and Vice Chair Jeff Martin felt that “there is a competitive advantage and a safety concern for certain teams — it’s not the same for all teams.”
The Hiwassee Dam player is still suffering from long-term concussion symptoms and has not been cleared to play, according to Education First Alliance.
It takes a lot of balls to put a biological male on a girl’s volleyball team.
Dog Dick of the Week
Semen sniffing dog brought in by Cheshire Police
A police dog who can detect seminal fluid has been welcomed to the Cheshire and North Wales Police Dog Unit.
Golden Labrador April qualified as a sexual crime scene Police Dog (PD) following six weeks of training from specialist officer PC Steve Gunn.
She is now one of just three dogs in the UK specially trained to only detect seminal fluid.
Her training was part of a successful forensic search dog project originally pioneered by Derbyshire Police.
It was hoped the use of the specialist dog would help put more sexual offenders behind bars.
The 15-month-old pooch can detect as little as 0.016ml of seminal fluid, sometimes years after it has been deposited, the force said.
Hey Chief, why does Police Dog April keep sniffing your mouth?
No Dick of the Week
Lewis Capaldi red-faced as mum points out his ‘mangina’ in awkward text message
Lewis Capaldi has been left red-faced as his mother pointed out an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction.
The 26-year-old singer has been busy promoting his new single Forget Me in interviews across the globe.
However, things didn’t go quite to plan during his recent chat with STV
After he appeared on the show, mum Carole texted Lewis to tell him she’d watched him but it appears she was distracted from what her son had to say.
The Somebody You Loved singer shared a screenshot of the messages between him and his mum.
Carole typed: “Watch you on stv. You look as if you’ve got a mangina” alongside a crying laughing face emoji.
Lewis simply replied: “Thanks mum”.
Clearly seeing the funny side, he shared a snap of him appearing on the show on Twitter alongside the screenshot, leaving his followers in stitches.
One fan penned: “She’s not wrong.”
Back here in the States, Cameltoes get to be vice president.
Dirty Dick of the Week
PASSENGERS recoiled in horror as a man defecated on the floor of a packed British Airways plane.
Families were appalled as the flyer staged a dirty protest before running around the cabin.
Crew members gagged as the poo was spread along the carpets and curtains of the Boeing 777-336 jet.
Emergency services were called to Heathrow airport seconds before Flight BA075 took off for Lagos.
A report seen by The Sun: “During boarding a passenger stripped from the waist down and defecated on the galley floor. He sat in it and rubbed it onto the galley floor and aisle carpets.
“He walked in it and started running up the aisle as far as Door 4. He smeared his arms to elbow in faecal matter, and door seats as he went.
“The curtains and carpets were severely contaminated. Very important that a hygienic biohazard and deep clean is carried out and properly supervised and signed off.”
The October 7 flight was delayed while the aircraft was swapped and taken out of service at huge expense to BA.
Distraught passengers were delayed by up to three hours.
What the f*ck was he protesting? Human civilization?
Dick Rustler of the Week
Florida man wearing nothing but cowboy hat attacks woman with machete
A Florida man was arrested Friday after police said he attacked a woman with a machete while wearing nothing but a cowboy hat.
WPLG reported that an arrest report from Miami-Dade police said Roberto Hercules, 45, attacked the woman Tuesday while she rode her bicycle in Medley.
Police said he asked her for a crack pipe, but when she said she didn’t have it, he chased her with the machete.
The woman tried to jump off her bicycle and run away as Hercules struck her with the weapon multiple times in the head and left arm, according to the report.
On Friday, officers found Hercules sleeping in a tent in Hialeah, still naked alongside two cowboy hats. He was identified by the victim from a photo lineup done at her hospital bed.
According to police, the victim suffered a fractured skull, a brain bleed, a broken arm, and a large cut to her left hand.
[Insert Hunter Biden joke here]
Stupid Dick of the Week
College student who rented plane for date dies after walking into propeller
A Georgia college student died instantly when he walked into the still-spinning propeller of a small airplane he had rented for a dinner date, officials said.
Georgia Southern University sophomore Sani Aliyu, 21, was hit in the head twice at Statesboro-Bulloch County Airport on Sunday night after he got off a plane piloted by two friends who had taken him and a woman to nearby Savannah, according to officials and reports.
“They flew to Savannah to go on a date, flew back, landed at the Statesboro Airport, and the young lady got off the plane, and he got off the airplane and walked toward the front of the plane, and when he did, the propeller hit him,” Bulloch County Coroner Jake Futch told the Statesboro Herald.
The gruesome freak accident happened after the single-engine Cessna had “taxied onto the ramp area” and was stationary at around 10:35 p.m., a Federal Aviation Administration spokesperson told the Herald. The FAA and National Transportation Safety Board are investigating.
There had only been four people on board the plane, including the pilot and co-pilot, a spokesperson for the Bulloch County Sheriff’s Office said.
“Nobody is really at fault or anything,” Capt. Todd Hutchens told the newspaper. “It was an accident.”
Yes, but a completely avoidable accident.
Don’t Bee a Dick of the Week
Mass. Woman Accused of Using Bees to Attack Sheriff’s Deputies
A Massachusetts woman is facing numerous charges after she allegedly unleashed a hive full of bees on sheriff’s deputies, some of them allergic to bee stings, as they tried to serve an eviction notice in Longmeadow last week.
The Hampden County Sheriff’s Office said they were dealing with an eviction on Memery Lane in Longmeadow on Oct. 12 when Rorie Susan Woods, 55, of Hadley, arrived in her SUV towing a flatbed with multiple manufactured bee hives and began trying to open the lids on the bee hives to unleash them. She was among several protesters who met the deputies when they arrived at the property.
When she was told that several officers were allergic to bees, she said “Oh, you’re allergic? Good,” according to the official department report.
A sheriff’s deputy tried to stop her, but as the agitated bees started circling the area, he pulled back. Woods then smashed the lid and flipped a hive off the flatbed, making the bees “extremely aggressive.” The bees swarmed the area and stung several officers and other bystanders in the area.
Woods then put on a beekeeper’s suit to protect herself as she carried a tower of bees near the front door of the home in an effort to stop the eviction, which the sheriff’s office said has been “stop-and-go” for almost two years.
After she carried a bee hive close to the front door of the home, the sheriff’s office said Woods tried to agitate the bees further, and was arrested by sheriff’s deputies and taken to the Western Massachusetts Regional Women’s Correctional Facility.
She is now facing four counts of assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon, three counts of assault by means of a dangerous weapon and one count of disorderly conduct.
That bitch bee crazy.
Junkie Dick of the Week
S.C. man accused of stealing ashes belonging to ex-girlfriend’s mother to buy heroin
Deputies say a South Carolina man stole cremated remains of his ex-girlfriend’s mother and used them to get heroin.
The victim told the Aiken County Sheriff’s Office that her ex, 19-year-old Jackson Rutland, called to tell her he’d broken into her Aiken home on Oct. 11.
The victim was not at home at the time, but told police that she’d had issues with Rutland breaking into her home in the past.
The victim returned home later that day to find her door from broken from being kicked in. Deputies said the home was ransacked and they noticed a white powdery substance scattered on the floor. The victim said Rutland had tampered with her mother’s ashes.
Rutland is facing charges of 2nd-degree burglary and desecration of human remains.
How do you trade grandma’s ashes for heroin?
WTD? of the Week
Man breaks Guinness World Record for farthest eyeball pop
A Brazilian man will make his eye-catching debut in the Guinness World Records next year when he’s recognized for the farthest eyeball pop.
Sidney de Carvalho Mesquita, also known as Tio Chico, holds the record for men thanks to his eyeballs, which protrude a whopping 0.71 inches beyond his sockets.
De Carvalho Mesquita discovered his eye-popping talents at the age of nine while making silly faces in the mirror.
While impressed with his unusual skill, his family was first concerned it could be a sign of an illness.
Luckily for De Carvalho Mesquita, that wasn’t the case.
He has since been able to utilize his gift in both personal and professional ways, and is hoping to become known for his talents not just in his home country of Brazil, but across the globe as well.
“My skill is definitely a gift. It came from my father, my mother and the creator, too,” de Carvalho Mesquita told Guinness World Records.
The medical term for what makes de Carvalho Mesquita’s eyes pop is known as globe luxation, an incredibly rare condition that can be measured by an optometrist.
It’s also known as eye boners.
