This week, Joe Biden WTFly said that all Irish people, except him, are drunken criminals. Here’s some WTF? from drunken criminals who are mostly not Irish:
Headline of the Week
Female tenant arrested for squeezing landlord’s testicles to death over electricity bill
According to the News Agency of Nigeria, Ifeoma Ossai was arrested by the police on Saturday, March 11 following the tragic death of her 50-year-old landlord, Monday Oladele, in Sango-Ota.
In a statement to confirm the incident, the Police Spokesman in the state, SP Abimbola Oyeyemi said the suspect was arrested following a report lodged at Sango Ota Divisional Headquarters by one Olaleye Taiwo.
The police boss explained that the complainant reported that his brother had a disagreement with a tenant over the payment of electricity bill.
He added that during the disagreement, Ossai grabbed the private part of the deceased and dragged him with it.
The landlord fell to the ground unconscious and was rushed to the Ota General Hospital where the doctor on duty pronounced him dead.
“Upon the report, the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) Sango Ota Division, CSP Saleh Dahiru, led his detectives to the scene where the suspect was promptly arrested and taken to custody for investigation.
“On interrogation, the suspect claimed that the deceased asked her to pay for electricity bill.
“But she insisted that until water was directly connected to her apartment as promised by the landlord before she packed in she would not pay the electricity or any other utility bill,” SP Oyeyemi said in the statement.
That bitch be nuts.
Mug of the Week
25 years, no parole for West Columbia woman convicted of trafficking meth
A 54-year-old West Columbia woman will be heading to prison for decades for trafficking a drug so dangerous it’s considered a violent crime under South Carolina law.
Victoria Coxe Threatt was convicted by a Lexington County jury of trafficking methamphetamine and will spend the next 25 years in jail for the crime without parole. According to the Eleventh Judicial Circuit Solicitor’s Office, she was also sentenced to five years each for possession with intent to distribute marijuana and possession of oxycodone. However, those sentences will be served concurrently with, or at the same time as, her 25 years behind bars.
In South Carolina, trafficking meth is considered a “violent and serious” charge that is not eligible for parole.
Luckily, they didn’t sentence her by the pound.
Scent of the Week
Woman who found missing husband’s mummified corpse in closet ‘noticed mystery smell’
A woman has recalled her “total shock” of finding her missing husband’s mummified corpse in a closet.
Jennifer’ Madege’s husband Richard, 53, from Illinois, US, had been missing for eight months after he vanished on April 27.
He had phoned his wife to say he was finishing work early and was heading home but when Jennifer came back to the property the dad-of-three was nowhere to be seen.
Richard’s car was on the driveway and his wallet, keys and cards were in the house, which left her baffled.
Cops were called to the “hoarder home” which had a “sewer-like” smell after he was reported missing – but authorities could not find the 53-year-old.
However, it wasn’t until eight months later that Richard was found after Jennifer went to get some Christmas decorations from their closet on December 11.
Jennifer had used a flashlight to look inside the closet and discovered human remains – which turned out to be her husband.
She admitted finding his mummified corpse was a “total shock”.
Richard had died by suicide and there were no signs of foul play, according to Madison County Coroner Steve Nonn.
Chief Deputy Coroner Kelly Rogers revealed police had arrived to the home on multiple occasions and found a “sewer-like odour” indoors.
However, the smell could not be located.
The property was described as a “hoarder home,” by officers, which Jennifer disagrees with me.
She said: “‘Hoarder’ is a strong word, but he was more — I would consider, more of a pack rat.”
But during the time she was looking for clues, she admitted the smell in the house persisted.
It led to her calling a plumber who came round and detected an “ammonia” smell but he couldn’t find where it was coming from.
“Plus, I have four dogs and a cat roaming around, so you get many different smells.
When your house is so filthy that you don’t notice a rotting corpse.
Memo of the Week
Stop defecating on the floor, Chemistry students told
It’s a simple equation; food goes in, and then goes out, straight into the Chemistry Department toilets. Unfortunately, some Chemistry students at the University of Cambridge seem to have misunderstood this direction.
In an email seen by Varsity, all undergraduate Chemistry students were requested to make sure they flush the toilet, particular those outside the Cybercafé, on the top floor of the Centre for Molecular Informatics. Incidents involving unflushed toilets are said to be “frequent” across the building, and students have been asked to ensure they leave the toilets in a usable condition.
Students were warned that it “isn’t pleasant to have to flush the toilet after someone else has used it”.
The crappy crisis didn’t stop there, with the Department adding “if you accidentally drop faeces on the floor, please clean it up and/or let reception know.”
This raised eyebrows amongst students, with one Chemistry student telling Varsity: “This is a shitty situation, for sure. The fact that I have to look left and right at my fellow Chemists and wonder who is responsible makes me feel that something smells off about this all.”
Here’s some students who literally don’t know shit.
Jumper of the Week
A McAllen man is facing additional charges after smearing fecal matter on a detention officer’s face and leaping out of a moving ambulance, documents stated.
Jose Luis Velasquez Jr. was arrested on charges of harassment of a public servant, resisting arrest and escaping from custody, according to Hidalgo County Jail records.
A probable cause affidavit obtained by ValleyCentral shows that on March 8, someone called police to the 2700 block of Cedar Avenue in reference to two men wanting to kill him. When officers arrived, they located the caller, identified as Velasquez who was shaking with a knife in his hand.
Officers noted that Velasquez was shaking and sweating with his eyes wide open and dilated pupils, the affidavit stated.
Police say they a pat down on Velasquez revealed a meth pipe in his back pocket. They say he told them he had smoked meth an hour before. Velasquez was taken into custody and transported to the city jail.
Approximately three hours later, police received a call of an inmate “being aggressive” and was pepper-sprayed. Police talked to a detention officer, who said they were taking Velasquez to the restroom when they got into a struggle and went to the ground, the document stated.
[The detention officer] stated while they were on the floor, Velasquez was able to purposely smear him on the face with feces in his hand,” the affidavit stated. “[The detention officer] stated some of the feces went into his left eye and his shirt was also covered in feces.”
While Velasquez was being transported to a hospital for medical attention, an officer watched him get up from the stretcher, open the rear doors of the ambulance and jump out while the vehicle was still moving.
Velasquez took off on foot westbound on Pecan Avenue before being caught be officers again.
After the shit thing, I’m surprised the cops didn’t just let him go.
Asshole of the Week
Doctor Slams Gwyneth Paltrow’s Health Tips—’Don’t Put Coffee In Your Butt’
Gwyneth Paltrow has come under fire from a doctor after she espoused the benefits of rectal ozone therapy.
The Oscar-winning actress, 50, in 2008 founded her wellness website Goop, which has often raised eyebrows for its unconventional health recommendations including vaginal steaming and coffee enemas.
It was her practice of rectal therapy that made headlines again this week after she appeared on the latest edition of the The Art of Being Well podcast to talk about her often controversial approaches to her health and wellbeing.
“I have used ozone therapy, rectally. Can I say that? It’s pretty weird. It’s pretty weird, yeah. But it’s been very helpful,” the actress revealed.
Rectal ozone therapy involves inserting a suppository into the anus for between 15 and 20 minutes. It is said to help in the treatment of rectal fissures, fistulas and hemorrhoids, prostate and gynecological illnesses and metastasis.
Proponents of the treatment claim it increases oxygen levels in the blood, which then oxygenates body tissue, leading to better healing, skin appearance, anti-aging, improving the immune system, and general detoxing.
But one gastroenterologist shut down the benefits of the treatment and begged “don’t put coffee in your butts.”
“Gastroenterologist here: Not that you would but please don’t get ‘rectal ozone therapy,'” tweeted Dr Kaveh.
We live in a world where people have to be told not to put things up their asses because a celebrity told them to.
Insult of the Week
Threesome turns into brawl after couple’s genitals are insulted by other woman
A threesome between a couple and another woman turned violent – with all three ending up at a police station.
Steven Lopez and Angela Viviana Velez Vazquez invited over Della Draper for a “romantic interlude” at the couple’s residence in Marathon, Florida Keys, US, on March 6.
While they were in bed together, a disagreement occurred, with the couple alleging that the 29-year-old woman insulted them by saying the man had a “small d**k” and the woman a “stunk p***y”.
The argument turned violent and they both struck the victim while Lopez also threw a cinder block through the rear window of the victim’s car.
Lopez and Vazquez said that when Draper, seated on a couch, refused to leave their home, they “forcefully removed” her by “picking her up and placing her down outside the front door of the residence”.
Draper then got in her car, the couple claim, and drove the vehicle backwards towards the home’s front door where Lopez and Vazquez were standing.
After the car struck Vazquez’s left leg, Lopez said, he threw the cinder block at the Nissan.
Draper then exited the car, Vazquez told police, and “swung a closed fist at her, but missed”.
Vazquez added that she responded by punching Draper in the face.
The Monroe County Sheriff’s Office arrested Lopez and Velez Vazquez – he faces a felony charge of throwing a deadly missile while she faces a battery charge.
Some people can’t face the realties of having a stunk pussy.
Record of the Week
Man with ‘world’s longest tongue’ smashes Jenga world record using freakish body part
Nick Stoeberl, from California, US, was already a Guinness World Record holder after his tongue was officially ruled the longest on Earth.
Speaking to the Guinness World Records YouTube channel, he explained: “The average tongue length is just over three inches – 7.9cm for women and 8.5cm for men. Mine is 10.1cm, or 3.97 inches.”
Nick said he always wanted to do “something” with the long tongue after securing that record, and has even successfully managed to paint with it.
The record he tried to break recently was the fastest time to remove five Jenga blocks with the tongue.
The previous fastest time was one minute. His attempt was filmed by Guinness World Records and saw him easily record the best time, clocking in at 55.526 seconds.
Maybe he could set the record for licking stunk pussies.
WTF? of the Week
Drunk bloke ‘smashed heirlooms’ at funeral before punching deceased’s daughter
A mourner attacked a grieving daughter after she challenged him about his drunken behaviour.
Appearing at Dundee Sheriff Court, Kevin Spokes, 36, was said to have consumed a “considerable amount of alcohol” at the family funeral which was “still bubbling about him” the next morning.
His unsteadiness led to him staggering into and breaking heirloom vases that had been bequeathed to the woman before a furious row broke out.
When the daughter of the deceased confronted him, he attacked her by throwing her to the ground and punching her head, the Mirror reports.
But Dundee Sheriff Court heard that “Karma” hit when Spokes had fallen from his bike and suffered injuries as he tried to flee from the scene, as he required six stitches,
Fiscal depute Michael Sweeney said Spokes had consumed a “large quantity of alcohol” at the family funeral, adding: “He began arguing with [her].
“He dragged her by the shoulders through the living room, threw her to the ground and punched her head.
“The accused picked up a chair and threw it. It struck [her] to the body and hit the other complainer on the head.
“They all ran out into the garden. Police were contacted and the accused ran off. Everyone was in a state of distress.”
Spokes, of Ballantrae Road, admitted assaulting his victim by punching her head and body and throwing a chair at her on June 9, 2021.
He also admitted assaulting another female by throwing a chair at her and striking her on the head in Inveresk Gardens.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
