Ancient mystics used to predict the future by reading everything from tea leaves to pig intestines, but their modern liberal counterparts read the First Lady’s hair. According to a liberal magazine Melania Trump’s new hair color is forecasting doom for the Trump presidency. FLOTUS recently went blonde and the liberal soothsayers see nothing but the beginning of the Trumpocalypse, with impeachment, jail, and a plague of Starbursts raining from the sky.
You know New York magazines Rhonda Garelick is going off the deep end when she writes and article titled What Does Melania Trump’s Blonde Hair Mean? Gosh, I don’t know, maybe it means she has blonde hair. I guess this original title wasn’t crazy enough so NY mag switched it to “Melania Trump’s Blonde Bombshell” to reflect the dire implications of FLOTUS’ hair.
We could ignore Melania’s blondification—it’s “just hair” after all, as her defenders will insist. Women all over the country change their hair as they please. But because Melania’s primary mode of communication is her appearance—grooming, dress, and make-up, her decisions cannot go without scrutiny. She is a creature of virtually pure surface and adornment, so it is legitimate to wonder about her latest metamorphosis.
And this is what the author is wondering about Melania’s hair:
It is very unusual for a First Lady, or a woman politician for example, to make this drastic a change to her hair — it risks suggesting instability or excess vanity.
So according to the author, either supermodel Melania Trump is too vain or there’s trouble a-brewin’. Guess which way the the author went.
The article then goes on to list the things they think is going wrong for President Trump like the Mueller investigation and John Kelly’s retirement and claims Melania’s hair is signaling panic and doom in the White House:
As MSNBC keeps saying, “The walls are closing in” on this administration. If this is true, then it should not surprise us that after two years of steady brunette, FLOTUS takes flight with golden tresses. She has always been a weirdly apt barometer of this administration’s disjunction between onstage pronouncements and offstage actions. With this dramatic hair-color shift, Melania may be reflecting the latest deepening of this rift between appearance and reality.
Well if Melania’s hair means President Trump is in deep shit, what do these former first lady’s hairstyles mean?
Or what does this former first lady’s hair say?
I think that last one means Bill is banging the intern and Hillary got into the Oxycodone.
The liberal media swooned over both Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton, calling them beautiful and glamorous despite the fact they are the hideous results of science experiments gone horribly wrong. Melanie Trump is genuinely beautiful, but the only time the liberal media talks about her appearance is to cast suspicion on it.
Whenever Michelle changed her hair it was front page news about how empowering she is and when Hillary got a new do it was the lede story on every network. Melanie goes slightly blonde and suddenly it’s the end of the Trump presidency. This is yet another reason why nobody trusts the media anymore.
